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Index
Book Jacket
The Shuttle’s Useless, But Book Me on the Next Flight
Why the Booker Shortlist Always Loses the Plot
Another Day’s Holiday? Please, Give Me a Break
All This Health and Safety Talk is Just Killing Me
Men are a Lost Cause, and We’re Proud of It
We Let Them Get Away with Murder on Radio
Willkommen and Achtung, This is Austrian Hospitality
Gee Whiz Guys, But the White House is Small
Flying Round the World, No Seat is First Class
They’re Trying to Lower the Pulse of Real Life
Forget the Euro, Just Give Us a Single Socket
I’d Have Laid Down My Life for Wotsisname
Creeping Suburbia isn’t Quite What I Expected
Is It a Plane? No, It’s a Flying Vegetable
Is This a Winner’s Dinner or a Dog’s Breakfast?
Call This a Riot? It was a Complete Washout
Being a Millionaire is Just One Step from being Skint
What Does It Take to Get a Decent Meal Round Here?
Cutting Lawns is the Last Word in Civilisation
An Invitation from My Wife I Wish I Could Refuse
How Big a Mistake are You Going to Make?
America, Twinned with the Fatherland
Cornered by a German Mob Bent on Revenge
Wising Up to the EU After My Tussles in Brussels
A Weekend in Paris, the City of Daylight Robbery
It’s a Work of Art, and It was Built on Our Backs
They Speak the Language of Death in Basque Country
Reason Takes a Bath in the Swimming Pool
You Can Fly an Awfully Long Way on Patience
What I Missed on My Hols: Everyday Madness
Rule the Waves? These Days We’re Lost at Sea
Why Can’t We Do Big or Beautiful Any More?
Learn from Your Kids and Chill Out Ibiza-Style
Going to the Dentist in the Teeth of All Reason
Sea Duel with the Fastest Migrants in the West
My Verdict? Juries are As Guilty As Hell…
The More We’re Told the Less We Know
Without a PR Protector, I’m Just Another Fat Git
Why Have an Argument? Let’s Say It with Fists
Speaking As a Father, I’ll Never be a Mother
I’m Just Talkin’ ’Bout My Generation, Britney
Chin Up, My Little Angel - Winning is for Losers
A Murderous Fox Has Made Me Shoot David Beckham
I Bring You News from the Edge of the Universe
Go to the Big Top: It’s Better than Big Brother
The Nit-picking Twitchers Out to Ground Britain
Cricket’s the National Sport of Time Wasters
Have I Got News… I’m Another Failed Deayton
Home Alone Can be the Perfect State for a Child
Ivan the Terrible is One Hell of a Holidaymaker
In Terror Terms, Rambo Has a Lot to Answer For
House-Price Slump? It’s the School Run, Stupid
The Lottery will Subsidise Everything, Except Fun
When the Chips are Down, I’m with the Fatherland
Save the Turtles: Put Adverts on Their Shells
Give Me a Moment to Sell You Staffordshire
A Quick Snoop Behind the Queen’s Net Curtains
Who Needs Abroad When You Can Holiday in Hythe?
We Have the Galleries, But Where’s the Art?
You Think SARS is Bad? There’s Worse Out There
Mandela Just Doesn’t Deserve His Pedestal
In Search of Lost Time, One Chin and a Life
In Search of a Real Garden at the Chelsea Show
To Boldly Go Where Nobody’s Tried a Dumb Record Before
Beckham’s Tried, Now It’s My Turn to Tame the Fans
The Unhappiest People on Earth? You’d Never Guess
Welcome to Oafsville: It’s Any Town Near You
If Only My Garden Grew As Well As the Hair in My Ears
Men, You Have Nothing to FEAR But Acronyms
Red Sky at Night, Michael Fish’s Satellite is On Fire
I Wish I’d Chosen Marijuana and Biscuits Over Real Life
I’ve been to Paradise… It was an Absolute Pain
Eureka, I’ve Discovered a Cure for Science
Look in the Souvenir Shop and Weep for England
Eton - It’s Worse than an Inner-City Comprehensive
A Giant Leap Back for Mankind
What a Wonderful Flight into National Failure
The Peace Game in Iraq is Jeux sans Frontieères
The Juries are Scarier than the Criminals
They’re Trying to Frame Kristen Scott Donkey
All I Want for Christmas is a Ban on Office Parties
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