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Index
Introduction 1
1 The forever seeking 1921 and before 11
2 Born under a sickly star 1921–1927 23
3 A house divided 1927–1933 33
4 Suppressions 1933–1938 46
5 The taste of freedom 1938–1940 63
6 A trail of unmade beds 1940–1942 77
7 The dungeon of thy self 1942–1943 90
8 A carefully nurtured bohemianism 1943–1945 103
9 The strange, subtle pluckings of terror 1945–1948 117
10 How I adore my Virginias 1945–1948 126
11 Yaddo, shadow – shadow, Yaddo! 1948 139
12 Instantly, I love her 1948–1949 151
13 Carol, in a thousand cities 1949–1951 160
14 Two identities: the victim and the murderer 1951–1953 173
15 Pat H, alias Ripley 1953–1955 186
16 Each Man is in His Spectres power 1955–1958 200
17 This sweet sickness 1958–1959 211
18 A lurking liking for those that flout the law 1959–1960 220
19 The ultra neurotic 1960–1962 229
20 A freedom from responsibility 1962–1964 243
21 Love was an outgoing thing 1964–1967 259
22 This shimmery void 1967–1968 275
23 The false, the fake and the counterfeit 1968–1969 289
24 An equal opportunity offender 1969–1970 299
25 Name: Ishmael 1970–1971 311
26 What are the odds of cat versus person? 1971–1973 327
27 The summer soldier and the sunshine patriot 1973–1976 340
28 Your kisses fill me with terror 1976–1978 356
29 A girl who allows me to dream 1978–1980 370
30 People who knock on the door 1980–1982 380
31 A strange interior world 1982–1983 390
32 Work is more fun than play 1983–1986 402
33 No end in sight 1986–1988 414
34 A face accustomed to its ghosts 1988 425
35 Art is not always healthy and why should it be? 1988–1992 436
36 I hesitate to make promises 1992–1995 447
Epilogue 460
Notes 466
List of Illustrations 513
Acknowledgements 514
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