Toxic In-Laws · Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage by Forward, Susan -- Read -- Imperial Library of Trantor

Index

Cover Title Page Contents Introduction

Not All In-Laws Are a Problem Who Are Toxic In-Laws? Do You Have Toxic In-Laws?

Do Your In-Laws:

Your In-Law Survival Manual Reality and Acceptance Practical Answers to Universal Dilemmas The Power of Positive Doing

Part One - Toxic In-Laws 1 The In-Law Triangle

Cutting Through the In-Law Myths

1. Things Will Get Better After We’re Married. 2. Things Will Get Better After They Get to Know Me. 3. Things Will Get Better Once I Have a Baby. 4. If I Do What They Want, They’ll Have to Like Me. 5. They’re Not My Parents, So How Much Can They Bother Me? 6. They Live in Another State, So We Won’t Have to Deal With Them Very Much. 7. My Partner Will Always Put Me First.

Reality, Part One: How Toxic In-Laws Behave It Takes Three Reality, Part Two: The Partner Problem Reality, Part Three: What You Bring to the Mix The Mark of History The Line That Toxic In-Laws Cross

2 The Critics

When Criticism Hits a Nerve The Altruistic Critic Grandmother Knows Best When Your Partner Doesn’t Get It What You Can and Can’t Accept The Two-Faced Critics Criticism by Proxy The Animosity Rubs Off The Good Boy The Criticism Didn’t Start Yesterday When Criticism Turns to Scapegoating Putting on Convenient Blinders A Dangerous Pattern The Target’s Dilemma “i Don’t Want to Be the Family Villain” At a Loss for Words The Tug-Of-War The High Cost of Criticism

3 The Engulfers

A Fairy Tale With No Fairy-Tale Ending You Wind Up as “the Problem” Why Should Marriage Change Anything? A Gift-Wrapped Trap Culture Clashes Your House Is Their House The Invaders Your Child Is My Child Dividing to Conquer Getting the Allegiances Straight From Crisis to Engulfment A Tightening Grip

4 The Controllers

The Wedding Bell Is Their Starting Bell Control Knows No Gender A Continuing Campaign Showing Who’s Boss Right Problem, Wrong Solution Their Money and Your Life Upping the Ante Control Through Guilt and Intimidation An Old, Familiar Script The Beliefs That Bind Hope Versus Habits Enter the Grandchildren Controllers Are Cripplers

5 The Masters of Chaos

In-Laws Who Live in the Combat Zone Shifting the Discomfort Thriving on Uproar “i Am Not an Alcoholic” Wishing, Hoping—and Stuck The Never-Ending Bailout The Difference Between Helping and Rescuing Just Say “No” The Sexual Predator Making a Family Safe Again When Your In-Laws Have Abused Your Partner When You Become the Buffer The Legacy of Abuse The Dysfunction Magnet Pressure Doesn’t Work

6 The Rejectors

Early Warnings Time Doesn’t Help They Attack Where You’re Weakest Crisis Time The Issue of Race Rejection From the Grave The Hidden Agenda “nobody Was Good Enough for Me Except Him” Incomprehensible Cruelty The Baby Factor A Welcome Thaw Sometimes the Insults Don’t Stop The Exile Weapon: “you’re No Longer a Member of This Family” The Blindness of Rejectors

7 Why Do Toxic In-Laws Behave This Way?

No Easy Answers The Power of Beliefs

1. They Believe They Have a Monopoly on Truth “Different” Means “Bad” The Tyranny of the “Shoulds” 2. They Believe They Are the Center of the Universe What Will People Think? The Missing Empathy Gene 3. They Believe That They Can Exorcise Their Demons by Attacking You Acting Out Old Scripts 4. They Believe There’s Not Enough Love to Go Around They Must Hold on to Your Partner at All Costs Momma’s Boys and Daddy’s Girls Pain, Not Pride

Beyond Beliefs The Big Lie

Part Two - Protecting Your Marriage Introduction to Part Two: My Contract With You 8 Shifting Your Focus

Reality vs. Fantasy A New Beginning Have an Affair The Observation Room Common Traps: Mistakes Everyone Makes

Trap #1: The Victim Mentality Changing Hopelessness Lies Masquerading as Truth Trap #2: Overreacting Closing the Credibility Gap Trap #3: Underreacting Learning to Find the Words Let the Feelings Out

9 When Expectations Play Havoc

Trap #4: Unrealistic Expectations of Yourself Trap #5: Unrealistic Expectations of Your Partner Changing the Climate Trap #6: Unrealistic Expectations of Your In-Laws Expecting to Find a Surrogate Parent Neither Angel Nor Devil Renunciation and Release Realistic Acceptance Perspective Transforms You

10 Rights and Responsibilities

Your Personal Bill of Rights

Section I: Your Rights as a Person Section II: Your Rights With Your Partner Section III: Your Rights With Your In-Laws

Freedom and Common Sense Everyone Resists Change The Fear Demons You’re Not the Only One Who Feels This Way Some Calming Self-Talk From Fear to Anger Managing Your Anger Anger and Discovery Resist the Temptation to Beat Up on Yourself Which Rights Would You Take Away? Rights Mean Responsibilities

11 Grace Under Pressure

Setting Boundaries Laying Out the Rules Position Statements Keep It Simple and Specific Nondefensive Communication Add These to Your Repertoire

12 Enlisting Your Partner as Ally

Setting the Stage Bringing Up the Subject Words That Work Getting to the Heart of Your Concerns

1. This Is What They Do Just the Facts, Ma’am 2. This Is How It Makes Me Feel 3. This Is How It Affects Our Relationship The Gentle Approach 4. This Is What I Want From You Now

Putting It Together Finding Your Balance

13 Dealing With Your Partner’s Response

When Your Partner Is Totally Resistant Firmness, With Love Soft Words That Get Through Giving to Get Stand by Me” Remember That You’re Strong Hitting the Wall

Tough Choices No Time for Games A Surprising Outcome

When Leaving Is the Best Option The Importance of History

14 The Final Step

They May Surprise You The Nonmalicious In-Laws Offer an Out Don’t Be Afraid to Be Human Deciding What Needs to Be Done Establishing the Right Atmosphere Making the Invitation Putting an End to “divide and Conquer” Don’t Expect Miracles Stepping Out of the Middle No Answer Is the Loudest Answer of All Uncovering Deeper Problems The Needy In-Law A Different Kind of Tough Love Look for Help First When They Pull Out the Big Guns

1. Our Old Friend, Denial. 2. The Victim/Martyr Defense. 3. You’re the Problem. 4. The Best Defense Is a Good Offense.

Sometimes Nothing Gets Resolved Hold to Your Truth

Epilogue Index Do Your In-Laws: About the Author Copyright About the Publisher

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