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Index
Cover
Dedication
Introduction to the Best Book You’ll Ever Read
Glossary
Lifestyle: How to Live Like a Betch
Talking Shit: Embracing the End of Nicegirls
Abbreviations and Linguistics: The Language of Efficiency and Humor
Diets: Talking Shit Was Never So Topical
Working Out: A Necessary Moral Dilemma
Getting Fucked Up: Yay!
How to Party Like a Betch
Vacations and Summers: It’s a Hard-Knock Life
Image: How to Appear Unapproachable and Hot
Appearance: How to Present Yourself in Public without Being Mistaken for a Homeless Woman or Ke$ha
Clothes: How to Dress Like a Slut (the Classy Way)
Status Symbols: What They Say about You
Social Media Image: How to Look Like the Shit on the Internet
The Art of Being Late: How to Show People That Your Time Is More Valuable than Theirs
Appearing Down-to-Earth: How to Fool People into Thinking You’re Not Superficial
Not Keeping Up with the News: How to Pretend to Know What’s Going On When You Have No Fucking Idea
How to Manipulate Your Parents into Thinking They Raised a Normal Child
Social Life: People Who You Like Are Worthy of Your Friendship—
The Bestie Group Circle
Guy Friends: A Fairy Tale
How to Text Like You’re Kind of a Big Deal
People You Dislike: How to Deal with Them While Not Appearing Psychotic
Enemies: The Objects of Your Animosity
Managing the Outer Circle: Fake Is Better than Nothing
College: Using Higher Education to Get Ahead
Not Doing Work in College: How to Revolve Four Years of Your Life Around Drinking and Hangovers
Studying Abroad: How to Culturally Immerse Yourself in Foreign Alcohol
Spring Break: How to Go Hard without Going Home to Jail
College Social Life: How to Keep Friends and Alienate (the Right) People
Greek Life
College Bros: Athletes and Frat Douchebags
Graduation: A Survival Guide
“Career”: A Word We Use Loosely
Career Paths: Picking the Least Toxic Poison
How to Apply for a Job Like You Give a Shit
So Now You Have a Job: How to Never Do Work at Work
How to Ask for an Undeserved Raise
Sex: Keep Your Legs Closed and You Too Can Rule the World
Navigating the Bedroom: It’s Harder than You Think
Postcoital Conduct: Learning to Take a Hint
Sexting: Getting Fucked in 4G
Birth Control: Manipulating Your Period as if It Were a Man
The Game, Dating, and Love
The Game: Loving Shady Assholes and Hating Nice Guys
Winning the Game: The Scientific Method of Conquering Any Male
Dating: More than Just Free Dinner
The Groupies and How to Get Rid of Them
The Art of Getting to the Second Date
Delusional Dating: The Guide to Dating a Guy Who Doesn’t Know It
On the Importance of Being Single
When Love Takes Over
The Long-Distance Relationship: A Recipe for Tears
Manipulating Men
Now That the Love Is Gone: How to Get Over Your Ex
Tying Up the Loose Ends: How to Get Rid of the One Who Won’t Go Away
Happily Ever After Requires a Prenup—Getting Engaged
Conclusion: You Can Skip This Part
Acknowledgments
Copyright
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