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Index
Cover Dedication Introduction to the Best Book You’ll Ever Read Glossary Lifestyle: How to Live Like a Betch
Talking Shit: Embracing the End of Nicegirls Abbreviations and Linguistics: The Language of Efficiency and Humor Diets: Talking Shit Was Never So Topical Working Out: A Necessary Moral Dilemma Getting Fucked Up: Yay! How to Party Like a Betch Vacations and Summers: It’s a Hard-Knock Life
Image: How to Appear Unapproachable and Hot
Appearance: How to Present Yourself in Public without Being Mistaken for a Homeless Woman or Ke$ha Clothes: How to Dress Like a Slut (the Classy Way) Status Symbols: What They Say about You Social Media Image: How to Look Like the Shit on the Internet The Art of Being Late: How to Show People That Your Time Is More Valuable than Theirs Appearing Down-to-Earth: How to Fool People into Thinking You’re Not Superficial Not Keeping Up with the News: How to Pretend to Know What’s Going On When You Have No Fucking Idea How to Manipulate Your Parents into Thinking They Raised a Normal Child
Social Life: People Who You Like Are Worthy of Your Friendship—
The Bestie Group Circle Guy Friends: A Fairy Tale How to Text Like You’re Kind of a Big Deal People You Dislike: How to Deal with Them While Not Appearing Psychotic Enemies: The Objects of Your Animosity Managing the Outer Circle: Fake Is Better than Nothing
College: Using Higher Education to Get Ahead
Not Doing Work in College: How to Revolve Four Years of Your Life Around Drinking and Hangovers Studying Abroad: How to Culturally Immerse Yourself in Foreign Alcohol Spring Break: How to Go Hard without Going Home to Jail College Social Life: How to Keep Friends and Alienate (the Right) People Greek Life College Bros: Athletes and Frat Douchebags Graduation: A Survival Guide
“Career”: A Word We Use Loosely
Career Paths: Picking the Least Toxic Poison How to Apply for a Job Like You Give a Shit So Now You Have a Job: How to Never Do Work at Work How to Ask for an Undeserved Raise
Sex: Keep Your Legs Closed and You Too Can Rule the World
Navigating the Bedroom: It’s Harder than You Think Postcoital Conduct: Learning to Take a Hint Sexting: Getting Fucked in 4G Birth Control: Manipulating Your Period as if It Were a Man
The Game, Dating, and Love
The Game: Loving Shady Assholes and Hating Nice Guys Winning the Game: The Scientific Method of Conquering Any Male Dating: More than Just Free Dinner The Groupies and How to Get Rid of Them The Art of Getting to the Second Date Delusional Dating: The Guide to Dating a Guy Who Doesn’t Know It On the Importance of Being Single When Love Takes Over The Long-Distance Relationship: A Recipe for Tears Manipulating Men Now That the Love Is Gone: How to Get Over Your Ex Tying Up the Loose Ends: How to Get Rid of the One Who Won’t Go Away Happily Ever After Requires a Prenup—Getting Engaged
Conclusion: You Can Skip This Part Acknowledgments Copyright
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