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Imperial Library
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Index
Cover
Dedication
#notevenclose
A Special Message to Lavender Oaks Swordfish on the Occasion of Prom
The Road to Hell Is Paved with Glitter
Friends Don’t Let Fairies Drink, Wax Poetic, Strip, and Swim
There’s a Unicorn on the Deck (And Other Statistical Anomalies that Shouldn’t Be Photographed)
This Bed Ain’t Big Enough for the Three of Us
The Murderous Little Harlot Also Known As My Sister
Freckles Pleads the Fifth
How Many Tarts Does It Take?
The Pal in Principal
Angelica Darling’s Advice to a Woman Scorned From a Woman Who Does a Lot of Scorning (As Well As Cheating, Lying, Conniving, Backstabbing, and the Occasional Poisoning)
When There’s No More Room in Hell, the Dead Will Walk to the Horse Barn
With Friends Like These, No Wonder Angelica Darling Whacks All of Hers
If You Can’t Beat ’em, Join ’em, then Beat ’em After All the Joining, Because They Totally Won’t See That Shit Coming
Horror Movie Survival Tip: She Who Investigates Noises in the Basement in Her Underwear Carrying Only a Flashlight Shall Be Disappointed and/or Killed
Time to Go Keith & Veronica on This Bitch
Lone Gunman Theory Shot To Hell
Deliver Us from (E)vil
Lav-Oaks Flash Mobs Neither Flashy Nor Mobby
The Truth Is Out There, Just Not Anywhere Close To Here
Lowdown Dirty Love
The Shit Show Must Go On
Love Is in the Air . . . And It Totally Smells Like Teen Spirit After the Teen Spirit Stepped In Dog Poop
We Interrupt This Nonsense to Spread the Latest Buzz on the Deadly Electronic Threat Lurking Within the Privacy of Your Own Privates
Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones, But The Internet? That Shit’s Forever, Man
Get Groupthinky With It
My Mom’s House Is a Cooler Secret Bunker Than Your Mom’s House
High School, The Moon Landing, and Other Conspiracies
Have a Great Summer! Bon Voyage! Try Not to Sleep with Anyone Else’s Boyfriend on Your Way Out!
Fanboys and Other Minor Scandals by Which We Mean Scandals Involving Minors
Identity Theft
Pants, Shirts, Hats, Accessories, and All Manner of Undergarments Totally on Fire
Privacy Is Dead. Get Over It.
I Came to Bring the Pain and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt
All We Are Saying Is Give (E)vil A Chance
The Impressively Gruesome Demise of Angelica Darling and the Unexpected Rise of Reality-Based Relationships
Acknowledgments
About Sarah Ockler
Copyright
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