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Imperial Library
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Index
Cover
Copyright
Dedication
Preface
Don’t Abandon Your Baby
But It’s Good for You!
I Think Rich People Are Boring
Minutes of the Development and Programming Meeting for FOX Television’s New Season
I Ain’t No This or That
Woodstock
Breaking Up
A Non-Sponsored Look at Holidays in America
The Mystifying Allure of Gratuitous Luxury
YourStar.com
Scrapbooking in Michigan
I Would Be the Shittiest Survivor in History
A Little Bit about Me, ’Cause It’s My Book
My Memoir-to-Be
A Free List of Quirks for Aspiring Independent Filmmakers
Sitting on a Pole Trying to Win Some Money
Didja Know?
I Hate America! or, I Hate America?
Heaven!
The Five People You Meet in Limbo
Ideas for T-shirts to Be Sold at Urban Outfitters
In Anticipation of Reading This Right Now
Gay Canada
You’ll Never Guess!!!
Sweet Mary J.
Hey! Free Advice!
Correspondence with Dave Eggers
Involuntary Random Thoughts I’ve Had Not Always When I Was Pooing but Certainly Sometimes When I Was Pooing
Ask a Rabbi!
A Short Request to Lame Friends
Things to Do When You Are Bored
The Golden Age of Cowardice
Top Ten Top Ten Lists List
Bill O’Reilly Fantasy
How to Play “Mafia,” the Funnest yet Most Unnerving Game Ever Invented
I Don’t Have Children
A Short List of Videos with Babies in Them that I Have Not Seen on the Internet but Most Likely Exist and I Would Like to See at Some Point
Other Ways in Which Jews Can Utilize Current Technology to Get around God’s Strict Laws for the Sabbath
Beef with Jim Belushi
Cigar Corner
Excerpts from the Galley Copy of James Frey’s Latest Memoir, Lesson Learned
Original Message
Top Ten CDs to Listen to while Listening to Other CDs
An Open Letter to Larry the Cable Guy
We Have Got to Stop Calling So Many People “Heroes”
Oh, I Forgot You Could Do That
For the Love of God!
Cigar Corner: Bonus Story!
Cigar Corner, Part 2
Truck Stop
Letter from the Future
An Afterthought
Acknowledgments
Footnotes
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