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Laughter and Praise for
Acknowledgments
1: The Perfect Brownie Leader Who Uses Global Positioning Satellites on the Camping Trip to E-mail Photos to the Parents
2: The Nutrition Mom Who Needs to Be Resuscitated After Finding Out You Fed Her Child a Hot Dog
3: The Husband Who Takes It Personally When Someone Steals His Luggage and Then Returns It Without Taking Anything
4: The Mom Who Made a Scrapbook So Large She Could Only Get It Downstairs by Hiring Professional Piano Movers
5: The Woman Who Can Plant 145 Petunias Without Referring to Them as “Those Little Bastards” by the Time She Is Finished
6: The Mom Who Is Happy All the Time and Uses the Word “Golly” Whenever She Can
7: The Couple Who Write the Holiday Letter Telling You How Their Little Timmy Came Up with an Alternative to Fossil Fuels
8: The Husband Who Buys a New Video Camera and Now Believes He’s Martin Scorsese
9: The Perfect Soccer Mom Who Knows All the International Rules of Soccer
10: The Mom Who Corrects the Grammar of the Policeman Who Pulled Her Over for Speeding
11: The Woman Who Decorates Her Yard for Columbus Day Using Replicas of the Niña, the Pinta, and the Santa María
12: The Wife Who Actually Knows How to Operate Her Victoria’s Secret Lingerie
13: The Husband Who Believes You Can’t Paint Over Wood
14: The Woman Who Cleans Out Her Refrigerator Every Thursday Whether It Smells or Not
15: The Knitting Mom Who Breaks Down and Confesses, “It’s Just Like Drugs, But It’s Yarn”
16: The Infomercial Couple Who Start Every Sentence with “But Wait! There’s More!”
17: The Woman with the Perfect Driving Record
18: The Woman Who Has Her Christmas Cards, Shopping, and Decorating Done Before Thanksgiving
19: The Husband Who Either Asks for Inane Instructions or Else Gives Inane Instructions
20: The Culinary Mom Who Brings Crab Aspic with Red Pepper Coulis to Her Child’s School for Snacktime
21: The Husband Who Has a Cold but Believes It’s Malaria
22: The Mom Who Throws a Cinderella Birthday Party for Her Daughter by Installing a Drawbridge to the Front Door and Digging a Moat Around the House
23: The Craft Mom Who Sends You an Exquisitely Handmade Thank-You Note for the Baby Gift You Sent to Her Fourth Child
24: The Perfect Grocery Store Mom Who Always Goes Through the Check-Out Lane Quickly
25: The Wife Who Finds Something Wrong with the Way Her Husband Saved the Life of the Man Choking at the Table Next to Them
26: The Woman Who Has Dinner Completed Every Day by Ten a.m.
27: The Husband Who Spends Thirty Minutes Taking a Picture of Jasmine at Disney World
28: The Woman Who Receives Martha Stewart’s E-Mail “Thought for the Day” and Is Too Scared to Delete It
29: The Babysitter Who Is Better at Everything Than You Are
30: The Husband Who Doesn’t Notice When His Wife Redecorates the Living and Dining Rooms
31: The Perfect Feng Shui Woman Who Has a Bagua Map and Knows How to Use It
32: The Woman with the Angelina Jolie Lips
33: The Designer Uncle Who Insists on a Biedermeier Master Bedroom for Caroline’s Barbie House
34: The Athletic Mom Who Is Lifting Weights Every Day at Ten a.m. While I Am Gaining Weight Every Day at Ten a.m.
35: The Perfect Halloween Mom Who Carves Forty-three Pumpkins in the Image of the U.S. Presidents
36: The Wine Connoisseur Woman Whose Wine Rests More Than I Do
37: The Woman Who Puts All Her Photographs into an Album the Same Day She Gets Them Back
38: The Husband Who Asks You Every Day, “Can You Call Someone About That?”
39: The Woman Who Goes Twice a Week to the Elitist Car Wash
40: The Woman Who Knows the Difference Between “High Tea” and “Low Tea”
41: The Perfect Stage Mom Who Wants the Kindergarten Class to Perform The Bitter Tears of Petra Von Kant
42: The Woman Who Loses Weight Without Hanging Out at the Center for Infectious Disease Control
43: The Conspiracy Among Men to Be Annoying Just Before You Have Company
44: The Woman Who Never Loses Her Luggage When She Travels
45: The Woman with the Easily Assembled, Beautifully Lit Christmas Tree
46: The Woman Who Has a Better Way to Do Everything (Like Make Jell-O) and Wants You to Know It
47: The Woman Who Has Mirrors Installed All Over Her House So She Can Enjoy the Results of Her Plastic Surgery
48: The Woman Who Took First Place at the International Napkin-Folding Contest
49: The Husband Who Doesn’t Ever Want to Open the Refrigerator Door Because that Would Be Wasting Energy
50: The Woman Who Is Always Tan and Has a Flat Stomach
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