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New England Joke Lore The Tonic of Yankee Humor BY ARTHUR G. CRANDALL Author of “Optimistic Medicine” PHILADELPHIA F.A. DAVIS COMPANY, Publishers 1922
FOREWORD
CONTENTS
CHAPTER I Showing Some General Characteristics
Overlooked by Tourists
“Year Before Last Winter’s Snow”
The School Master and His Snow Grave
Drifted Roads and the Right of Way
The Post Holes in the Ice
The Man Who Took Comfort at Funerals
The Story of the Field of Oats
The Kitchen Dance “Up the Branch”
The New Maple Sugar Tub
A Yankee Philanthropist
The Butcher Who Was Too Generous
CHAPTER II Relating to Certain Conjugal Infelicities
Why Dave Left Home
The Discouraging Matrimonial Experiences of Bill Jordan
Another Tale of a Confiding Husband
“Purty Bur-r-ds”
“Seven Wives and Seven Prisons”
The French-Canadian Who Wanted a “War for the Womens”
CHAPTER III Legends of the Eccentric
“You Don’t Have to Yell at Me”
The Story of the Stolen Bundle of Hay
The Raid on Jim Green’s Pork Barrel
How Lote Platt Beat the Thunder Shower
The Tale of the Old-Fashioned “Settle”
The Lost Harrow Teeth
The Story of the Salt Shake
“Better Give Them to Some Poor Boy”
CHAPTER IV Family Characteristics and Small Town Life
The Young Man Who Had “Speerit”
The Lady Who Secured a Wardrobe
The Story of “Lafe” and the Livery Stable Man
The Man Who Wanted to Fight a Year Afterward
A Rural “Trademark”
An Early Example of Camouflage
“Noah Built the Ark”
CHAPTER V The Yankee Trading Instinct and Some Amusing Examples
The Story of the Eccentric Cow
The Remarkable Incident of the Cart Wheels
The Thrilling Experiences of a Mountain “Doctress”
The Expedient of the Cow Buyer
The History of a Milk Sled
CHAPTER VI Domestic Animals and Their Part in Legendary Humor
The Story of a Wandering Sheep
The Young and “Self-Centered” Ram
The Sudden Enlightenment of the Young Pup
A Hen Heroine
The Story of the “Lolling” Horse
The Farmer Who Borrowed the Blind Horse
The Lame Horse That Was Suddenly Cured
The Bird Policeman
The Evicted Swallows
The Proprietary Attitude of the Robins
The Haunted Cat
CHAPTER VII Legends of Rural Spooks
The Ghost in the Milk Dairy
The Spook Story of the Runaway Horse
Table Tipping and a Victim
The Story of the Ouija Board
The Unreal Arrival of Uncle Mark
The Locked Door Which Swung Open
The Joke Played on the Hotel Porter
The Pedlar Who Disappeared
The Sudden Discontinuance of the “Spirit Raps”
The Supernatural Illumination
CHAPTER VIII Tales of Rural Lawyers and the Courts
The Litigating Horse Dealer
The Attorney Who Scorned Divorce Business
The Murderer Who Was Not There That Day
A Celebrated Arson Case
The Attorney Who Justified “Assault and Battery”
The Lawyer Who Was Going to “Get Over It”
The Story of the Wily Bank Robber
The Legend of the Pine Tree
The Man Who Wanted to be “Sociable”
CHAPTER IX Some Experiences of the Yankee Traveling Salesman
The Hopeful Young Beginner
The Sick Engineer in the Next Room
What Happened in the Hotel Barber Shop
The Salesman Who Was Given a “Warm Room”
Story of the Itemized Expense Account
“Two Barrels”
The Old Man Who Was Inveigled Into a Poker Game
CHAPTER X Traditions of the Rural Church
The Story of the “Raised” Biscuits
The Small Boy Who Scandalized the Congregation
The “Driveling Idiot”
The Love-Cracked Suicide
“There is a Lion in the Way”
The Man Who Borrowed “Arabian Nights” from a Christian Woman
The Woman Who Was Not Going to be a Pack Horse
The Enterprising Deacon Who Proposed at the Grave
CHAPTER XI Tales of Rural Thrift
The Old Friend and the Load of Hay
The Man Who Worked a Confidence Game on His Cows
“Stew ’Er Down”
“Never Mind, I Can Cut It”
The Empty Flour Barrel
The Town Pauper Who Made an Epigram
The Conscientious Neighbor Who Ran An Account
The Thrifty Man Who “Swore Off” Using Tobacco
CHAPTER XII Cheerful Tales of Neighborly Intercourse
“Am I Ben Jackson, or Am I Not?”
“The Farther You Go the Better They Are”
“Say, Put the Doctor Ahead”
The Scrambled Eggs in the Highway
The Story of the Rebellious Horse
What Happened to the Junk Man
What Happened to Another Junk Dealer
The Inquisitive Man by the Roadside
The Misfortunes of Mr. Foley
CHAPTER XIII Sad Tales of Pre-Prohibition Days.
The Return of a War Hero
The Motorist Who Was Good to Antoine
The Tale of a Rescued Keg of Whiskey
The Prohibition Whale Oil
The Righteous Wrath of “Marm” Hooker
“Poor Kelly Took the Rest”
CHAPTER XIV Tales of the Farm Hired Man
The Hand Mowers at Murray’s
The Sporting Venture of the Country Editor
“I’ve Found the Spring”
The Expert Who Repaired the Fences
The Man Who “Arrived In a Great Hurry”
“Where’s Hadlock?”
A French-Canadian Version of Employers’ Liability Insurance
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