Rebuilding by Bruce Fisher -- Read -- Imperial Library of Trantor

Index

Cover Contents Acknowledgments Foreword Introduction to the Fourth Edition

It Will Take You a While It’s Like Climbing a Mountain How This Book Came to Be Relationships, They Are A-Changin’ A Few Words About Words Help!

Chapter 1: The Rebuilding Blocks

Denial: “I Can’t Believe This Is Happening to Me” Fear: “I Have Lots of It!” Adaptation: “But It Worked When I Was a Kid!” Loneliness: “I’ve Never Felt So Alone” Friendship: “Where Has Everybody Gone?” Guilt/Rejection: Dumpers: 1; Dumpees: 0 Grief: “There’s This Terrible Feeling of Loss” Anger: “Damn the S.O.B.!” Letting Go: Disentangling Is Hard to Do Self-Worth: “Maybe I’m Not So Bad After All!” Transition: “I’m Waking Up and Putting Away My Leftovers” Openness: “I’ve Been Hiding Behind a Mask” Love: “Could Somebody Really Care for Me?” Trust: “My Love Wound Is Beginning to Heal” Relatedness: “Growing Relationships Help Me Rebuild” Sexuality: “I’m Interested, but I’m Scared” Singleness: “You Mean It’s Okay?” Purpose: “I Have Goals for the Future Now” Freedom: From Chrysalis to Butterfly Looking Backward Reconnecting with Your Faith Children Must Rebuild Too Homework: Learning by Doing How Are You Doing? How to Use this Book

Chapter 2: Denial: “I Can’t Believe This Is Happening to Me!”

Why Did It Have to End? Why Did It Begin in the First Place? When It’s Over…It’s Over From Denial to Acceptance Suffer the Children How Are You Doing?

Chapter 3: Fear: “I Have Lots of It!”

What Are You Afraid Of? Allowing Fear to Become a Friend Dealing with Fear Your Children Are Even More Scared Than You How Are You Doing?

Chapter 4: Adaptation: “But It Worked When I Was a Kid!”

Healthy Relationships Did You Grow Up Healthy? Healthy and Unhealthy Adaptation Strategies Why Relationships End The Bridge Across Responsibility Feelings Underneath Adaptive Behavior Making Peace with Your Inner Critic Homework to Help You Take Charge of Your Life Learning to Nurture Yourself Children and Adaptation How Are You Doing?

Chapter 5: Loneliness: “I’ve Never Felt So Alone”

Stages of Loneliness And Then You’re Alone All the Lonely Children How Are You Doing?

Chapter 6: Friendship: “Where Has Everybody Gone?”

Ain’t It Great to Be Single? Building Friendships It’s Not Time for Romance Yet! Can’t We Just Be Friends? Children Need Friends Too How Are You Doing?

Chapter 7: Guilt/Rejection: Dumpers: 1; Dumpees: 0

Rejection Really Hurts A Little Guilt Goes a Long Way All Guilt Is Not the Same Which Are You? The Language of Dumping Good News, Bad News “Maybe I’ll Come Back After All” Down in the Dumps Don’t Dump on Your Children How Are You Doing?

Chapter 8: Grief: “There’s This Terrible Feeling of Loss”

The Many Faces of Grief A Fable of Grief: The Check Mark Symptoms of Grief Stages of Grief: The Work of Elisabeth Kübler-Ross Allow the Children to Grieve Working Through Your Grief How Are You Doing?

Chapter 9: Anger: “Damn the S.O.B.!”

The Three Phases of the Anger Rebuilding Block Whose Anger Is It, Anyway? Push-Button Anger: What Triggers Yours? Appropriate vs. Inappropriate Anger Why Do You Bury Your Anger? Scapegoats, Martyrs, and Anger Venting Divorce Anger vs. Expressing Everyday Anger What Can You Do with All That Divorce Anger? Beyond Divorce: Expressing Your Everyday Anger

Taking Responsibility with “I-Messages”

Assertive Anger Expression Forgive and Forget “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes” Only You Can Prevent Relationship Fires Children Get Angry Too How Are You Doing?

Chapter 10: Letting Go: Disentangling Is Hard to Do

What Is This Thing Called “Disentanglement”? Don’t Drag It Out Disentangling Is Hard Work Letting Go of Your Fears Invest in Yourself Helping the Children to Let Go How Are You Doing?

Chapter 11: Self-Worth: “Maybe I’m Not So Bad After All!”

The Importance of Self-Worth Eleven Steps to Greater Self-Esteem Children Have the Most Fragile Self-Concepts How Are You Doing?

Chapter 12: Transition: “I’m Waking Up and Putting Away My Leftovers”

Family of Origin Influences Healing the Influences of the Family of Origin Childhood Influences Healing the Influences of Childhood Rebellion: The Rocky Road to Adulthood

The Shell Stage The Rebel Stage: External The Rebel Stage: Internal The Love Stage

Shell, Rebel, Love: A Summary The Stormy Seas of the Power Struggle Calming the Rough Seas of the Power Struggle Leaving Leftovers Behind Children and Transition Homework to Ease Your Transition How Are You Doing?

Chapter 13: Openness: “I’ve Been Hiding Behind a Mask”

Masks and Openness What Color Is Your Mask? Who’s Masking What from Whom? Masks Can Be a Burden “Let’s Do Lunch: My Mask Will Call Your Mask” A Matter of Choice Are You Ready to Take Off Your Mask? Your Self Behind the Mask Who Are You? Homework to Help You Move from Masks to Openness The Masks of Children How Are You Doing?

Chapter 14: Love: “Could Somebody Really Care for Me?”

Falling in Love with Love Unconditional Love: “Warts and All” As You Love Yourself How Warm Is Your Love? Styles of Loving Learning to Love Yourself Let Children Know They Are Loved How Are You Doing?

Chapter 15: Trust: “My Love Wound Is Beginning to Heal”

There Are Relationships…and Then There Are Relationships Styles of Relationship: A “Body-Sculpture” Exercise

A-Frame Dependency Relationship Smothering Relationship Pedestal Relationship Master/Slave Relationship Boardinghouse: Back-to-Back Relationship Martyr Relationship Healthy Love Relationship

Feelings into Actions Is Your History Repeating Itself? “Where Do I Meet Someone?” Rebuilding Trust Trust and the Children How Are You Doing?

Chapter 16: Relatedness: “Growing Relationships Help Me Rebuild”

What Is a Growing Relationship? Are We Talking Affairs Here? Why Are Some People More Likely to Create Growing Relationships? Passionate Emotional Relationships Friendship and Therapeutic Relationships Can a Growing Relationship Last? “Why Do I Have to Have So Many?” Making Your Primary Love Relationship a Growing Relationship Learning Good Communication Skills Healthy Termination Do You Need a Growing Relationship? Children and Relatedness Homework for a Growing Relationship How Are You Doing?

Chapter 17: Sexuality: “I’m Interested, but I’m Scared”

Before We Begin… Take It One Stage at a Time “I Wish I Were Single”? “A Date? Well, I Don’t Know…” “I’m Glad You Asked That Question” “Not Tonight, Thanks” Honk If You’re… Getting Back to Normal There’s More to Life Can We Talk About It? Open Communication About Sex Without Using Each Other Roles and Rules: Who Does What to Whom? Let’s Be Careful Out There Children and Sex How Are You Doing?

Chapter 18: Singleness: “You Mean It’s Okay?’

Were You Ever Really Single Before? “Me and My Shadow” Single and Loving It “I’m Glad to Be Single Again…or Am I?” Successfully Single Children and Singleness How Are You Doing?

Chapter 19: Purpose: “I Have Goals for the Future Now”

Looking at Your Past, Present, and Future Life Your Lifeline: An Exercise in Setting Goals

Your Lifeline: The Past Your Lifeline: The Present Your Lifeline: The Near Future Your Lifeline: The Long-Term Future

Kids Need Goals Too! How Are You Doing?

Chapter 20: Freedom: From Chrysalis to Butterfly

How Far You Have Come! A Word to the Widowed The Air Is Pretty Thin Up Here Take a Deep Breath Beyond Singleness Becoming Free The Children of Freedom How Are You Doing? Are You Ready to Fly?

Appendix A: Kids Are Tougher Than You Think: The Rebuilding Blocks Process for Children

Thoughts on Children and Divorce A Good Divorce Is Better Than a Bad Marriage The Effects of Parental Adjustment on Children Stumbling Blocks for Children Rebuilding Blocks for Children Rebuilding Together

Appendix B: The Healing Separation: An Alternative to Divorce

What Is a Healing Separation? What Are the Purposes of a Healing Separation? Who Should Consider a Healing Separation? Dumpers and Dumpees Again: The 80/20 Rule Guidelines for a Successful Healing Separation Other Considerations Is This a Healing Separation or Denial? Afterword Checklist for a Healing Separation

Appendix C: Contract for a Healing Separation

A. Commitment to a Healing Separation B. Goals of Our Healing Separation C. Specific Decisions Regarding This Healing Separation

1. Length of Separation 2. Time to Be Spent Together 3. Personal Growth Experiences 4. Relationships and Involvements Outside of the Relationship 5. Living Arrangements 6. Financial Decisions 7. Motor Vehicles 8. Children Involved in This Relationship 9. Signing the Agreement

Appendix D: Rebuilding Blocks for Widows and Widowers

Dumper and Dumpee for the Widowed Denial Fear Adaptation Loneliness Friendship Rejection and Guilt Grief Anger Letting Go Self-Worth Transition Openness Love Trust Relatedness Sexuality Singleness Purpose Freedom

Resources

Books You May Find Helpful

(Keyed to rebuilding topics)

Online Resources You May Find Helpful

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