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Copyright Page Dedication Acknowledgements When you are a dancer SAR A ≠78 Sun blasts through In the morning, I unpin the numbers Big news is My best friend, Bess, is at music camp. When you flirt with the mirror After the fireworks, July dribbles into August One last sleepover at Bess’s house, My eyes open before Bess’s On the way Turning off the exit, As if I could stop the forward momentum, Señor Medrano waves After a while I go downstairs, “Got to get going.” I make it upstairs The call from Mom One more week before school begins, I am wearing leg warmers Their eyes are not unwelcoming, New England girls I brush through the layers How long can you go without “Still with Stephen?” I am not sure Upton Academy sits The trip from school to ballet Julio is at the ballet school It is dark when we get back In class today, Yevgeny barks, Near the studio door Fondu développé Sophomore year in Darby Station, The October trees are near naked Dad calls from the orchard, Friday at the studio I’ve begun taking Partnering class, Saturday morning Bonnie comes early on Saturdays, too. I watch Bonnie stand, stretch Audition Fernando is twitchy, Most of the girls have been dancing here I should be in the studio “Is Julio coming to the studio tonight?” There is this tricky lift We read great books at Upton Academy, I should be grateful In the smallest studio No school on Monday Weekends are always too short At Señor Medrano’s door, I wave to Dad. Inside, Julio sits, The Upton kids sleep in on Monday, I am awake The floors of the ballet studio Everyone is relieved For once I don’t hesitate to undress At Denardio’s I sit beside him, There is an uncomfortable silence How do nights like this end? Outside Señor Medrano’s Another kind of dancing Ruby Rappaport’s car is in the shop After class, Jane is sitting on Rem’s lap We cluster around the bulletin board That’s enough to stop me eating. In Ruby’s car after school Bess is going to the Darby Days dance My head feels light as my leg Allegro, My part in the tour is easy. Thanksgiving is about food, It feels like I am always returning I have this fantasy Jane looks depressed, In the locker room I hear Simone knows all the crushes I am light with hope Rem and I lean against the barre We begin the bears’ feature. They hand out the paperwork The first school on the tour is a dump Afterwards, riding the bus to the motel, The chaperones are strict, On the last day of the trip, Back at the studio The tape measure Señor Medrano puts me in the front row At Upton it is all about Could it be that high PSATs make me lighter? After the barre, ballet class moves to center, Ballerinas are often compared to butterflies. Twenty minutes ’til the next class Remington leans against the barre, In Variations class, “Tonight, Madison, Bonnie, and I Are going to the movies.” Madison’s dad comes I ride on the back of Rem’s motorcycle. Rem’s giant palm “R U coming?” Even without smoking, Now I hear the music Rem’s apartment is three flights up, “What is it, Sara?” The buttons on my shirt The name of the little girl December leaves little time The Nutcracker has stolen Christmas. I know rows and rows of people I have never kept a New Year’s resolution. I lead my line of Snowflakes In the dressing room Will he give me another chance? Afterwards The second of January At the studio on Monday, Señor Medrano doesn’t mind Bess emails me a picture At Upton I am asked to talk Instead I write a story Despite how much I hate The Nutcracker, I write this question down Denardio’s is a crowd tonight. Remington’s apartment is cold Dancing Aurora’s Variation, On my dresser is a postcard “C’mon. Get up!” I do not care about Aurora anymore I try to write about the creation Still, it is hard to go to the studio Yevgeny’s eyes are black. I don’t like being sick away from home. Rem and I return on the same day Yevgeny shows no mercy It must be serious But the conversation’s focus I make up an excuse about a late rehearsal “Stop I won’t go After two days of trying I don’t know why the cheap novels bother me, Professor O’Malley’s office is neater His dance is finished Now Julio is packing In the bathroom at Señor Medrano’s Alone in the house with Señor Medrano. Shannon watches me limp My cell phone buzzes. Can I pretend to be sick? I make the mistake I find Ruby Rappaport downstairs Simone draws me into a corner Remington is at the far end of the barre. Upton is buzzing with semester grades “Let’s go,” The envelope can wait In center, the piano plays After technique class Remington turns up his stereo, grimaces, Back at the Medranos I wake up facedown My report card is half good: In English, we are on to Heartbreak House, What is reality “Sara!” A new semester I am still Mama Bear Katia and Anne are practicing My body is angry The stack of college brochures under my bed I practice piqué turns Jane smiles At the Medranos’ there is a long letter I love the Little Swans, At Upton, Anne and Katia A week creeps by By Thursday, I feel a sting of desperation. How long am I supposed to wait? Adagio means slow, At the Rite Aid a block from the studio I slide into my narrow bed I wake up lonely. “You okay, Sara?” Remington stands at his spot “Good job, Sara.” I want to celebrate with Remington. Dad calls to celebrate the late frost Señor Medrano gives me a serious look “I miss you so much,” he says, Señor Medrano doesn’t ask Ruby Rappaport has forgiven Adnan Yevgeny’s eyes do not breathe fire He is standing in second position, Still, the invitation comes He is anxious, pacing Has it changed, The next night, I sit beside Barry After the show, they invite me College Fair Day at Upton The college fair concludes “I got the tattoo!” They are sending Everyone is thinking of being April showers pound the road The rehearsal schedule turns grueling Mom texts while I’m in bed with Remington. I stand outside the door Easter is a feast I remember my shock I am in the front row Remington invites me At Upton I find myself My cell phone pulses Lisette brings When Señor Medrano finds me in the hall Every day is a flurry of extra practice— “Denardio’s tonight?” “This is different.” My face is numb, then ice, then fire Plié, tendu, rond de jambe, jeté I have not called Bess At the next stop on the tour From the wings, Madison and I watch The applause lingers In the back of the bus on the way home, In the months that she’s been driving me He is late to dance class on Monday, Julio is putting his guitar away I leave my blazer in my room on Tuesday, Rem and Jane are talking in the doorway In Variations class, Yevgeny partners me After, I write down for Professor O’Malley I’ve spent a year pretending, I try to console Julio, May becomes all preparation When you dance with a partner Ruby and Adnan I imagine my bedroom “Thinking of coming home,” Mom emails a long list The Medranos are confused School ends in early June at Upton The sky is hazy From the wings, I watch
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