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Index
Cover
Contents
Chapter 1: The Nature of Self-Esteem
Causes and Effects
How to Use This Book
For the Therapist
An Issue of Diagnosis
Cognitive Restructuring for Self-Esteem
Chapter 2: The Pathological Critic
An Arsenal of Shoulds
The Origin of the Critic
Why You Listen to the Critic
The Role of Reinforcement
The Variable-Ratio Reinforcement Schedule
How the Critic Gets Reinforced
Positive Reinforcement for the Critic
Negative Reinforcement for the Critic
Catching Your Critic
Chapter 3: Disarming the Critic
Unmasking His Purpose
Talking Back
Making Your Critic Useless
Summary Chart
Chapter 4: Accurate Self-Assessment
Self-Concept Inventory
Listing Your Weaknesses
Listing Your Strengths
A New Self-Description
Celebrate Your Strengths
Chapter 5: Cognitive Distortions
The Distortions
1. Overgeneralization
2. Global Labeling
3. Filtering
4. Polarized Thinking
5. Self-Blame
6. Personalization
7. Mind Reading
8. Control Fallacies
9. Emotional Reasoning
Combating Distortions
The Three-Column Technique
Creating Your Rebuttal Voice
Rules for Rebuttal
Rebuttals
1. Overgeneralization
2. Global labeling
3. Filtering
4. Polarized thinking
5. Self-blame
6. Personalization
7. Mind reading
8. Control fallacies
9. Emotional reasoning
Chapter 6: Defusing Painful Thoughts
Watching Your Thoughts
Letting Go of Thoughts
Combining Watching, Labeling, and Letting Go
Distancing from the Critic
Example: Tony and the Three Questions
Chapter 7: Compassion
Compassion Defined
Understanding
Acceptance
Forgiveness
Toward a Compassionate Mind
The Compassionate Response
The Problem of Worth
Affirming Your Worth
Compassion for Others
Empathy
Chapter 8: The Shoulds
How Values Are Formed
The Tyranny of the Shoulds
Healthy Versus Unhealthy Values
How Shoulds Affect Your Self-Esteem
Discovering Your Shoulds
Challenging and Revising Your Shoulds
Cutting Off the Should
Atonement—When Shoulds Make Sense
Chapter 9: Acting on Your Values
Life Domains
Ten Weeks to Put Values into Action
Planning Committed Action
Chapter 10: Handling Mistakes
Reframing Mistakes
Mistakes as Teachers
Mistakes as Warnings
Mistakes: Prerequisite for Spontaneity
Mistakes: The Necessary Quota
Mistakes as Nonexistent in the Present
The Problem of Awareness
Responsibility
The Limits of Awareness
The Habit of Awareness
Raising Your Mistake Consciousness
Chapter 11: Responding to Criticism
The Myth of Reality
A TV Screen in Every Head
Screen Inputs
Innate constitution
Physiological state
Emotional state
Habitual behavior patterns
Beliefs
Needs
The Screen as Monster-Maker
Mantra for Handling Criticism
Responding to Criticism
Ineffective Response Styles
Aggressive style
Passive style
Passive-aggressive style
Effective Response Styles
Putting It All Together
Chapter 12: Asking for What You Want
Your Legitimate Needs
Needs Versus Wants
Wants into Words
Distilling the Assertive Request
Whole Messages
Your Thoughts
Your Feelings
Putting It Together
Rules for Requests
Chapter 13: Goal Setting and Planning
What Do You Want?
Question 1: What Hurts or Feels Bad?
Question 2: What Are You Hungry For?
Question 3: What Are Your Dreams?
Question 4: What Are the Little Comforts?
Selecting Goals to Work On: The First Cut
Selecting Goals to Work On: The Evaluation
Making Your Goals Specific
Making Mental Movies
Listing the Steps
Making a Commitment
Blocks to Achieving Goals
Insufficient Planning
Insufficient Knowledge
Poor Time Management
1. Prioritize
2. Make To Do Lists
3. Say “No”
Unrealistic Goals
What are the odds?
Fear of Failure
Fear of Success
Chapter 14: Visualization
Why Visualization Works
Visualization Exercises
Rules for Creating Effective Self-Esteem Visualizations
Self-Esteem Sessions
Special Considerations
Chapter 15: I’m Still Not Okay
A Special Vulnerability
Protecting Against the Pain
Addicted to Your Defenses
The Addict Faces Reality
Seeing the Consequences
Learning Abstinence
Facing the Pain
Floating Past the Pain
Anchoring to the Good Times
The Option of Therapy
Chapter 16: Core Beliefs
Identifying Core Beliefs
Laddering and Theme Analysis
Learning Your Rules
Testing Your Rules
New Core Beliefs
New Beliefs Mean New Rules
The Evidence Log
Chapter 17: Building Self-Esteem in ChildrenBy Judith McKay, RN
The Power of Parents
Parents as Mirrors
Look at Your Child
Looking at the Positive
Looking at the Negative
A Special Challenge—The Child Who Is Different
A Child in Your Own Image
Listening
How to Listen to Your Kids
What to Listen for
Accepting Your Child’s Negative Feelings
The Language of Self-Esteem
Praise
Correcting Your Child
Discipline
The Case Against Punishment
Make It Easy to Do It Right
Involve Your Child in Solving Problems
The Facts of Life—Consequences
Autonomy
Promoting Confidence
Promoting a Feeling of Success
Promoting Success in School
Promoting Social Skills
Modeling Self-Esteem
Bibliography
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