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Index
Cover
Title Page
Dedication
Contents
Lord Have Mercy
“I Was About Half Tight”
“Why Can’t You Kids Talk Right?”
War Casualty
Final Payment
“He Can’t Fill Out Anyting?”
“It’s Grade 4”
Irish Jig
All It Needed Was A Little Freon
Animal Rights
We Watched and Waited
Dad Didn’t Need No Savin’
“You Ain’t Gettin’ Nothin’”
Honesty . . . as a Policy
“Could I Stay for Supper?”
Diagnosis
“Just My Luck”
Fine Fare
Meat, Milk, Vegetables and Cereal
She Gave Him Some of the Cookies to Take Home
Jane Was Lucky
Doctor’s Orders
They Come by That Meanness Honestly
“Where’s My Gun?”
Alice’s Sarcoma
“It Helps to Talk”
They Cut Out What They Could
He Wasn’t About to Quit the Cigs
Sorry for Somethin’
“Wait in the Car”
Season’s Greetings
Singed
Too Damn Hot to Hooraw
Pumpkin Breakdown
Dad Didn’t Have Many Choices
Pickin’ Up Dad
He Never Cut Ralphie Any Slack
Survival of the Fittest
Ralphie’s Braces
What’s a Top Sheet?
Hummin’ a Tune
Maybe She Was a Half Wit
“Our Only Alternative”
“No Von Better Call Me Again Like Dat”
Special Mementos
Evidence That Dad Liked Her
“I Need to Soak My Dogs”
Boy’s Sox and Bug Lights
Happy Easter
What Came Around . . . Didn’t Go Around
Ash Tray
Big Plans
A “Meat and Potatoes” Man
Cook Stove
Gramma
“Ain’t Dat Awful!”
Native American Remedy
Headed for the Poor House
“The Only Thing Worse Than a Preacher . . . Is a Preacher’s Son”
Gramma’s Room
She Was Drinkin’ . . . Drinkin’ Jist Like a Man
Tape Worm
He Cut His Own Throat
Wedding Portrait
Old Man McCullough
“. . . Worth a Thousand Words”
Maybe We’ll Get Something
“My Worker”
“She Ain’t Got Any Business . . . Goin’ Anywhere”
Pennies from Heaven
“Singin’ in the Rain”
Sad Smile
Lost Molar
“Cain’t You Take Care of Nothin’?”
Tuff Love
“They Eat Snails Over There Too”
British Taint
Ralphie’s Tomatoes
“How Many’s He Up to?”
Tryin’ to Make Good
“No Use for a Dry County”
“Ain’t Nobody Hirin’”
“Take That Job and Shove It”
“Where Would She Have Gone?”
“He Might Not of Thought She Was Worth Killing”
Balance Brought Forward?
A Red Letter Day
“Git Out Dee Nice Kaffee Set, Landa”
The Bite Felt Round the World
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
“It’ll Grow Out”
Greene County Pork Queen
That Wasn’t Worth It
Word Power . . . the Power of Words
Poetic Justice
“They Have Manners Over There”
Hog on Ice
Alice’s Middle Boy
“She Never Even Hugged Me . . . Once”
She Didn’t Even Have a Scrub Board
Gravy Boat
Stayin’ Alive
“You Kids Jist Go on Down There”
Modern Convenience
“. . . Hardly Fit to Eat”
“Goin’ to Town”
Tuff Enough
“I Didn’t Think She’d Make It Through the Winter”
A Cop Come to Our Door One Day
Last Respects
Remembrance
Lab Eggs
Eventually . . . He Got His
Dad Said He Just Wanted to Teach Us a Lesson
Necessity IS the Mother of Invention
She Didn’t Even Know What P.T.A. Stood For
Tryin’ to Get Home
“. . . Watchin’ Yer Own Back”
Mr. Hopper
“A Republican . . . Without a Pot to Piss In”
A Stitch in Time
“Size Ain’t Necessarily All It’s Cracked Up to Be”
Behind the Eight Ball
Rough Ride
She Didn’t Get Pregnant That Summer
Treasure Trove
“The Birds and the Bees”
We Didn’t Fall for That Crap
“Big Red Slicers . . . 6 fer a Quarter”
“It Takes One to Know One”
My Pregnancy and His Existentialism
2nd Blood Test
Wanted: Live in Babysitter—Pregnant Teenager Ok
She Liked to Say, “The Baby Has Mike’s Eyes”
Swizzle Stick
Dirt for His Worm
I Got My Ring at Kmart
War and Peace
His Car
Punch in the Gut
.22 Pistol
Baby Suzi
Ann Got Too Busy
Singles’ Dance
Cold Morning
“It Was Fun . . . We Had the Time of Our Lives”
“They Know I Love Them Dearly”
Boys Are People Too
“I Did the Best I Could”
Suzi’s Tricycle
“Unfit Mother”
Advanced Degree
Dad’s Big Girl
“Pretty in Pink”
“Well If It’s Too Much Mom . . . Just Don’t Eat It All”
“I Just Luff Nice Tings to Ver”
“She Likes Soup”
“Ain’t Nothin’ Wrong with You”
“She’s Just Peddlin’ Dope Up There”
Hell on a House Boat
“I’ll Get Me a Second Opinion, Thank You”
Any Time’s the Right Time
He Was Gonna Major in Philosophy
“They Shit on ME”
Good Work If You Can Get It
“It Goes for $50 a Pound”
“You Got Any Money . . . He Heeds Him a New Transmission”
Killed by Kindness
“How Could He Be My Relative?”
Three Ralphs on a Couch
A Fool Proof System
Death and Taxes
Lotto Stubs
Prayer Session
Silent Stare
Down to Zero
Nicotine Fit
Fire Fighter
Maybe Somebody Will Say, “Hi, Ralph”
Enjoyin’ the Show
“It Always Backed Up”
Things Change . . . Swamps Are Drained
Spit Bath
The Tyrant Wears Diapers
Final Word
“When I Die, the Whole Town Will Show Up for My Funeral”
Father and Son
Drunk Drivin’
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Copyright
About the Publisher
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