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Index
Penny Pinching Tips For The Morally Bankrupt
Welcome To Our Tropical Resort Where No Guests Have Ever Been Torn Apart By Monkeys
Witnesses of Historic Moments Who Missed The Point
Action Hero
Millennial Gravestones
Signs
A Man Goes On His First Date After His Wife Was Hanged For Witchcraft
And Now a Word From Our Sponsors
Six People See The Same Man And Derive Vastly Different Lessons From His Actions
A Woman Gives A Description To A Sketch Artist Of The Rapscallion Stealing Pies Off Her Windowsill
Very Easy Would You Rathers
Makeout Point
A Lady’s Guide To Death
Smucker’s Fruit Spread Gift Guide
90 Day Fiancé: Dracula
Thirteen Retorts When They Won’t Wear A Condom
Please Continue This Conversation As Normal Or I Will Be Forced To Assume It Was About Me
Act of God
The Lives I Imagine My Neighbors Lead Based On The Names Of Their Wi-Fi Networks
The Westing Game-ish
The Mask
Garden Hermit
Yes, Of Course, I’m Satisfied By Just The Tip Of This Piece Of Cheesecake
And Now a Word From Our Sponsors
Choose Your Own Adventure: Seducing The Earl At Lady Worthingham’s Masquerade Ball
Here’s The Cemetery Where Every Man In Our Family Is Buried Alive
A Plea To The Stranger Sending Me Cardboard Boxes Of Baked Beans
News From The Front
Rocky Road
An Advice Column Written By Someone in the Witness Protection Program
A Single Walgreen’s Rose
God Pitches Ideas To Gabriel
Jobs That Would Make Terrible Premises for the Plot of Porn
Unfrozen
Disney Cruise Announcements from the Bermuda Triangle
Cooper’s Hawk
Yelp Reviews of the Chuck E. Cheese Haunted by the Spirit of Princess Diana
Reasons for My Recent Weight Gain
The Starlight Ball
RSVP Poems
The Mark of the Devil
And Now a Word From Our Sponsors
The Magic Kingdom
About The Author
Well, Well, Well
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