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Index
Cover
Title Page
Contents
By the Same Author
Dedication
Driven to Distraction
PART I
Okay tubby, you could get a nation out of a jam
Whee, it’s a tax-dodging style guru’s dream ride
Wiggle your hips and drive like a Norwegian
This is the kind of gay I adore
These Frenchies will never learn
Venus has trouble with her underpinnings
It’s the Terry Wogan of superminis
It’s a mobile branch of the entertainment industry
On second thoughts, this is a big mistake
What a perfect way to make the girls go ‘Eugh’
It’s a scream (yours) at 200 mph
Get one fast before they muck it up
A lucky strike to set Marks & Sparks flying
It’s sex, but not as we know it
If you see it in your mirror, surrender at once
The poser’s special just got potent
Breaking the law just got easier
Now the rich can buy a car just like you
Broken down, you can admire it even more
It’s the best, but there’s a big catch
At long last, that hybrid hocus-pocus has a point
Look, Bishop Killjoy – I’ve found the holy grail
Don’t all point and laugh at once
Ice-cool cutie, you stole my heart
I’ve had more fun in a road digger
My favourite car?
I’m sorry, this is absolutely gross
My mission: to prove this car is not perfect
Looks like a Bentley, drives like a duvet
Something nasty under the bonnet
Oh baby, you’re just a rotten tease
Okay gorgeous, let’s pretend that little bit didn’t fall off
It’s the new champion of Formula Plonker
Have yourself a red-blooded time without riling greens
Think of it as the Golf GTI before it got fat
For once, I’d recommend the slower version
They’re fighting the last war – in slow motion
Better than a Mini – so just pretend it’s British
Lost in planet Devon with this big dope
Buy one before they ban them
It’s damn clever, for a dog
Worshipping the god of hell fire
How to overtake everyone without really trying
Ugly Betty, I want to make babies with you
That’s enough grief: now we can be kids again
A case of power corrupting absolutely
When the beeping stops, you may go
If it ain’t broke… oh, fix it anyway
I saved a little girl’s life in this
Mad, bad and utterly wonderful to know
Foot down and mirror, signal, painkiller
Unlikely, but it’s a ray of sunshine
Trying sooo hard not to be a hatchback
A bad attack of the Melvyn Braggs
Max power, mid cred
Yes, it’s a radical new concept… the boneshaker
It’s so comfortable you can run over anything up to a medium-sized fox and not even notice
You’re going nowhere, sunshine
Good news and bad news for Mondeo man
Me, Grace Kelly, and an Italian love affair
Darling, I’d forgive you anything
Drive this and the road zealots will have you
Sorry, this drop top is stuck in Normal
Kiss your knees goodbye, green people
Silence, please, for a new king of the road
Clarkson went on holiday to Ottawa, hired a dodgy Dodge and ‘hosed the Garden of Eden down with 600 gallons of adrenaline’
Don’t call it ugly, call it quite brilliant
The sausage dog with rottweiler bite
Oh yes, it’s the great pretender
It doesn’t have to do anything but arrive
Let’s go tombstoning in carpet slippers
Call me stupid, but I like it
The gun in Queen Victoria’s knicker drawer
An avenger hitting dealers where it hurts
Living in the city and buying an off-roader is like permanently wearing a condom for the one day a month you might get lucky
All the luxury you need but no pizzazz
Stay out of the real world, my little beauty
Follow me, vicar, into the red zone
For an axe murderer, it’s a big softie
Just what you didn’t want – a turbo toilet
Beemed back to the wild days of youth
PART II
The straight’s story
Simpsons – Table Talk
I was a superyacht pirate
Behind Jeremy lines
Things can only get redder
I’m a space nut
Copyright Page
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