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Imperial Library
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Index
Cover
Title Page
Dedication
Epigraph
Contents
Prologue
Part One: Orientation
A Brief Confession
Part Two: Five Steps
Step 1: December 31, 1999
Lesson 1: Birthday Clowns To Avoid
Lesson 2: Tips On Death Cult Etiquette
Lesson 3: The Use of Philosophy as an Excuse to Cancel Plans
Lesson 4: A Beginner’s Guide to Evil in the Twentieth Century
Lesson 5: The Magic of Life: Now You See it, Now You Don’t
Step 2: September 22, 2000
Lesson 6: Why They Hate Us But Like Our Movies
Step 3: ********* **, ****
Lesson 7: The World’s Oldest Survival Manual
Lesson 8: The Problem With Gas Masks
Lesson 9: Effects of Schoolteachers on Psychosexual Development
Step 4: November 3, 2004
Lesson 10: Calculate Your Safety If X = Terrorists, Y = Distance, and Z = How much You’ve Pissed them Off
Lesson 11: Pop Quiz: Raise Your Hand If You Didn’t Vote
Step 5: August 29, 2005
Lesson 12: Mental Health Guidelines For Air Travelers
Lesson 13: Homework: Find the Last Straw
Part Three: Escape
Lesson 14: How to Become Immortal in One Easy Step
Lesson 15: An Argument For Getting into Cars With Strangers
Lesson 16: Birth Control Tips From Billionaires
Lesson 17: The Britney Spears School of Pregnant Surfing
Lesson 18: Raising the Dead With Government Paperwork
Lesson 19: How to Protect Yourself From Inflation, Hackers, and Celine Dion
Lesson 20: Five Steps to a Tax- Free Life
Lesson 21: Why Knocking up a Brazilian Woman Can Save Your Life
Lesson 22: The Gone wth the Wind Guide to Asset Protection
Lesson 23: Where to Find the Happiest Room on Earth
Lesson 24: How to Alienate Your Family in Sixty Seconds or Less
Lesson 25: Proof that a Fool and his Money are Soon Parted
Lesson 26: The Art of Disappearing
Lesson 27: War, Genocide, and Other Real-Estate Scams
Lesson 28: Calculate the Odds that You’Re in Jail Right Now
Lesson 29: Why the Government Frowns on Smiling
Lesson 30: Homework: Find a Stranger You Trust
Part Four: Survive
Lesson 31: Safety Guidelines for the Use of Horses, Guitars, and Towels
Lesson 32: Life Advice from the World’s Friendliest Nazi
Lesson 33: Introducing the Urban Survival Kit
Lesson 34: Just Say no to Cheerleading
Lesson 35: A Philosophy of the Sphincter
Lesson 36: Family-Proof Ammunition and Other Tips For Home Shooting
Lesson 37: Why You Should Think of the Zoo as a Restaurant
Lesson 38: Motorbikes of the Apocalypse
Lesson 39: Bathroom Tips for Combat Soldiers
Lesson 40: Never Drink from the Bowl
Lesson 41: Protecting yourself from Snipers, Dirty Bombs, and Salad Bars
Lesson 42: The Glass of Water Worth its Weight in Gold
Lesson 43: How To Make a Man Tell You Anything
Lesson 44: Books that Kill
Lesson 45: Camping for Dummies
Lesson 46: Where Blackberrys Go to Die
Lesson 47: How to be 90 Percent Certain You’ll Escape Cannibals
Lesson 48: Activities for Irritating your Girlfriend
Lesson 49: A Ninja’s Guide to Bringing Weapons on Airplanes
Lesson 50: The Downside of the Circle of Life
Lesson 51: A Workout Plan for the End of the World
Lesson 52: How a can of Beer Will Keep You Warm
Lesson 53: Survival Uses for Music Critics
Lesson 54: Secrets of Escaped Felons
Lesson 55: A Cross-Dresser’s Guide to Combat
Lesson 56: Exam #1: Shelter in Place
Lesson 57: Exam #2: Bug Out
Part Five: Rescue
Lesson 58: The President’s Plan to Save You
Lesson 59: Iceland is the New Caribbean
Lesson 60: What About Love?
Lesson 61: The Odds of Dying Horribly
Lesson 62: Proper Care and Handling of Hawaiian Tropic Girls
Lesson 63: Murder Scene Manners
Lesson 64: How to Listen to the Earth’s Crust
Lesson 65: Where to Swim Across the Border
Lesson 66: Secrets for Civilizing Lone Wolves
Lesson 67: How to Tell Which Side God is on
Lesson 68: Things to do When you’re a Dual Citizen
Lesson 69: What to do When the Lights go Out
Epilogue
Extra Credit
Bonus Content
Disaster Survival Cheat Sheet
The Bug-Out Bag
Ten Emergency-Preparedness Myths That Can Kill You
The Lost Chapter?
The Lost Chapter
About the Author
Other Works
Credits
Copyright
About the Publisher
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