Conflict is exhausting for everyone, and it can seem like there’s no way out. Curiously, though we might picture conflict in families centering around the teen years, we actually have more conflict with our six-to-twelve-year olds than we do with our teens1 (though the conflicts with the teens may be more serious).2 These conflicts may not turn into full-blown negotiations, but they reflect the everyday differences of opinions that we have with our kids. Sometimes we might agree to disagree, or choose to ignore the whole thing. Other times we assert ourselves and push our own point. Navigating these daily rubs requires attention to both what we choose to do (the use of one conflict-handling approach or another), and how we choose to communicate.
The goal is not to avoid all conflict. Refusing to engage in conflict at all (including just giving in to your child) makes it more likely that the same issues will come up again. Besides, not all conflict is bad. We often think that conflict comes with stress and a damaged relationship, but research shows that even a lot of conflict doesn’t automatically harm relationships, as even those in high-conflict parent-child relationships often still have good rapport, with shared values, mutual affection, and positive feelings.3
Conflict is a lot like cholesterol: there’s more than one type, and some are healthy while others are harmful.4 Negative conflict is focused on the person and can be filled with attacks, annoyances, hostility, and accusations, and can hurt your relationships.5 Healthier conflict is focused on the problem, the point of disagreement, and may include different opinions, approaches, or possible solutions for now and in the future.6 This keeps you on safer ground, and might force you to think about different (maybe even better) options than you had originally.
Stories from Home: My kids are both argumentative by nature, and both of them always want to get the last word in. The other day they were going back and forth about which one of them was right about the rules on how to play a card game. They both kept insisting they were right until they ended up hurling insults at each other and got too mad to actually play at all. The next time something like this came up, they figured out that the goal was to fix the game and not to yell at each other, so they agreed to new rules which made the game feel more fair to both of them.
It’s a mistake to think that all conflicts are battles to be won. In the heat of the conversation, we may want to make sure the other person sees the error of their ways more than anything else. But convincing the other person to adopt your perspective is not the only way to resolve conflicts (in fact, it’s not even a terribly successful one). Conflict should be considered a problem to be solved instead of an argument to be won.
Key Point: Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that conflict is all bad or to be avoided. Even frequent conflict is not necessarily damaging, as long as it stays focused on the problem to be solved instead of generating animosity.
Nobody is born with the ability to resolve conflict. We learn our conflict handling strategies first from our parents and other adults, and then later from our peers and friends.7 Studies involving monkeys give convincing evidence that conflict handling styles are learned behaviors.8 Compare the young rhesus and stumptail monkeys.9 The rhesus start out being pretty aggressive and intolerant, and rarely try to reconcile with others when things get out of hand. In contrast, the stumptail monkeys are much more conciliatory. But when scientists had some young rhesus monkeys live with their peace-making cousins for five months, they suddenly demonstrated three to four times higher conciliatory tendencies, and these changes persisted over time. Monkey saw, and monkey did.
Key Point: Conflict handling is a learned skill and we are our children’s teachers.
Over time, we also develop our approaches for how we deal with conflict, and like the rhesus monkeys, we don’t know whether or not our method is the most effective one until we are able to consider others. Change is hard. As parents we have difficulty in breaking out of our dominant tendencies and approaches. But not only will a broader set of conflict-handling strategies give you better chances at being successful, they also give you the opportunity to demonstrate the right balance between authority and autonomy for your kids.10
“MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY” VERSUS “I NEED TO DO WHAT MY CHILD NEEDS ME TO DO”
On some level, as parents, we need to choose how responsive to be to our children’s stated needs, and how much control we prefer to have over our children’s decisions. At first glance, it seems like responsiveness and control are opposites of one another; either you want to tune into your child’s needs first and let that be the basis of decisions, or you want to retain the right to make decisions yourself with more regard for what you think is right and less regard for what your child might actively want. In terms of parenting styles, the authoritarian (very strict control) and the permissive (very committed to letting children call their own shots) styles reflect these different priorities. But in truth, they are independent dimensions and it is possible to pay attention to both at once. The authoritative style (setting limits but also respecting open communication and discussion of the rules) shows this balance.11
Similarly, conflict handling can also vary from a focus on control to a focus on the other person’s needs, with space in between for the blending of goals. Deciding how assertive you need to be in resolving a conflict (how important the issue is to you and how much you should make decisions based only on what you think is right) and how attentive you hope to be (how much your child’s needs are important goals in and of themselves) drives the choice of a particular style, and these decisions can and should change based on the situation.
There are five different approaches to resolving conflicts of any kind,12 each with a different combination of emphasis on the importance of control versus responsiveness. See which styles resonate the most and seem easy to nod your head along with, which fall into your “sometimes” bucket, and which seem like they would take a lot of work to pull off.
Competing
Do you often feel the need to steer the conversation, and that your child needs to just do as you say?
The competing style is where you may prioritize the decision itself over your child’s potential disappointment in not getting their way. This is the most appropriate choice when there’s no time for discussion and you need your child to do exactly as you say. In addition to emergencies, this may be the best choice when the issue is one that is vital to your family’s or your child’s welfare, and you are sure you’re right (even if the decision is unpopular).
Stories from Home: My son hates religious school, but we don’t give an inch and so he goes every week. We think there’s more value than he sees (like being part of this community, and solidifying his connection with our religion through more familiarity with the services and holidays), so we decided that his input doesn’t count here and the decision is ours alone.
Accommodating
Do you pay close attention to the feelings and needs of your child during conflicts, and ensure that you have created an agreement that they like? Do you sacrifice your own needs to just say yes?
The accommodating style is when you defer to what your child wants rather than making the decision that you think is best, such as when something is not particularly important to you but means the world to your child. Or, you may decide that preserving harmony overall is more important than this decision. This can also be used strategically when you are trying to allow your child to learn from their mistakes—here you may agree to their request, perhaps understanding that it isn’t the best decision, but see this as a chance for your child to learn from the experience.
Stories from Home: When my kids refused to go to bed, I finally told them that they could just do whatever they wanted. They were delighted and danced and sang for more than an hour, but then got so overtired that they ended up crying in their beds. The next morning, they both said that they were going to go to bed earlier that night!
Avoiding
Would you rather skip difficult issues entirely and simply ignore the situation?
Avoiding is the right choice for situations (or battles) that are better left alone, even if just for the moment. If you find that you don’t have enough information to make an informed decision, or if either of you is too angry or frustrated, it’s probably not the best time for that conversation. Note that in the parenting context, avoiding generally means choosing not to engage immediately, as opposed to choosing never to engage at all with your child about something.
Stories from Home: The other day my son was insisting on takeout for dinner, and eventually I realized I had to just stop answering him and ignore him entirely. He was stuck on the question even though I had told him that his repeated asking was only going to get him in trouble. So before I got completely crazy myself, I realized I needed to just shut down, and we could talk about it later when we were both calmer.
Also, if it’s clear that there really isn’t a path forward that’s going to be helpful, it can be time to let it go.
Stories from Home: I was so proud of my seventeen-year-old daughter the day I heard her say, “I guess we’ll just have to agree to disagree” instead of getting mad and storming out, like she usually does when an argument doesn’t go her way.
Collaborating
Is it important that you understand and try to reconcile your own needs with those of your child, and try to find solutions that satisfy both sets of underlying needs?
Sometimes both parent and child have valid but different concerns. These can be addressed through discussions of each person’s “why.” Collaborative styles are essentially about demonstrating a willingness to understand the other person, and simultaneously pursuing options that meet both parties’ needs. As our children age and develop greater abilities to take other perspectives into account, there are more opportunities for using this style.
Stories from Home: My second child will not leave his big sister alone, and keeps breaking the rule about not going into her room and bothering her. When we finally sat and talked about it, it came out that he missed her because she was texting with her friends and didn’t spend as much time with him. Once we realized that he was hoping for time with her and she was hoping for privacy, we could figure out other times that they could be together, and he stopped barging into her room.
Is it typical for you to want both you and your child to make concessions and meet somewhere in the middle?
Compromise is the middle of the road solution. This makes sense when your goals are opposite from your child’s, there doesn’t seem to be a collaborative solution, or the issue is not that important to you overall so is perhaps not worth the disruption of a more assertive approach. A compromise is common when you want or need a quick resolution, when you need a temporary solution, or when you fail to find a better solution that meets everyone’s goals more fully.
Stories from Home: Our kids never want to leave when we’re at someone’s house. Once we’re ready to go, they usually ask for another half hour. To keep the peace, we often split it with them and give a fifteen-minute extension.
We all have “default” settings in which some of these approaches come more naturally than others. There are times when each style is useful, so trying to be comfortable with all five and then choosing the right one for each moment is the goal.
Even within a single situation, there are different ways to handle conflict. Choosing among them is a matter of optimizing what you would need to do against what you would get out of that approach. Imagine that your teenager is a drummer in a band and likes to practice in your house (with loud music in the background) during hours when you would rather be resting. You have a lot of choices for how to deal with this, according to the five approaches:
•Competing: You could make rules that state, unequivocally, that the noise level is too high and cannot continue inside your home.
•Accommodating: You could tell your teen that you understand that they are practicing for their first-ever performance which is very important to them, so you’re willing to put up with the noise.
•Avoiding: You could decide that the whole problem isn’t worth the fight with your teen, especially right now when you’re already in a bad mood, and proceed to ignore it.
•Collaborating: You could share with your child how you prefer it to be quiet after 9 pm so you can rest for work the next day, and ask why they seem to practice only late in the evening. If you learned that they need the earlier hours to complete homework with their classmates, you could then look for solutions that honored both sets of constraints. For example, perhaps you could decide on quiet hours after 9 pm in the house, while designating space in the garage for later practicing.
•Compromising: You could each give in somewhat on your goals, perhaps by deciding that forty-five minutes of practicing at a time is the limit when you preferred to keep it to thirty minutes and your child preferred sixty minute blocks.
There is not one right answer here. Each one contains inherent trade-offs (though, in general, parents who engage in more constructive, collaborative styles of conflict resolution over time have fewer difficulties, and tend to have more emotionally secure children13). The true best choice for any given moment will be the one that’s most likely to lead to an outcome you all feel comfortable with. Your decision is only about this one point in time in this one context. A similar situation arising at a different moment might yield a different choice for you. The ability to move among these choices is how they offer you strategic flexibility.
Key Point: We don’t always change our approach to conflict, but we can and should. Otherwise, a particular approach may end up emerging out of sheer habit, without necessarily being the best tool for this moment.
Once you have chosen an approach, you need to consider the words with which you will pursue it. What will make your child most likely to understand your point of view? Choosing your words wisely can help sway an interaction in your favor with anyone, including your children.
CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW? STRATEGIES FOR COMMUNICATING WELL
We speak so often and so fast that we don’t spend a lot of time actively selecting our words or our tone. But language matters and influences how a negotiation progresses.
Choosing Effective Language
No matter what we say or how well we say it, we tend to be overly confident in how well the other side understands our meaning,14 particularly with those who know us well. Worse, in situations of conflict, we focus almost entirely on our own points and arguments, and we say things that put the other person on the defensive. Especially with kids, it doesn’t take much to have a productive conversation devolve into a loud mess.
When it comes to language, we make choices about how direct versus indirect to be. The more direct you are with your statements and requests, the more clarity you get, but at the same time, the more you risk sounding harsh.15 Very indirect statements are much gentler, but could fail to effectively get their point across. Power, rules, norms, and your individual family’s culture influence what’s appropriate for you to say and how it will be received. Each family is its own microcosm that can be hard to understand from the outside.
Stories from Home: My daughter and her boyfriend were in the car with me, and she and I were discussing which route to take home from the train station. Later, she told me that her boyfriend was shocked at how harshly we had spoken to each other, and that in his family if anyone spoke like that it would result in those two people not speaking to each other again for a very long time! Neither she nor I had even noticed that we had any kind of tone with each other, but to him, our difference of opinion came across as critical and undermining.
Imagine the situation where you want your child to finish their dinner, and in particular to eat their vegetables. You might say any of the following to make your point:
•Eat your carrots!
•Can you finish your carrots, please?
•Would you mind finishing your carrots?
•Did you forget about your carrots?
•Do you think dessert looks good tonight?
•I hope you grow up to be strong.
Which phrase can you best imagine yourself using? As we move farther down the list, the messages get increasingly indirect, so much so that in the last two phrases, the carrots aren’t even mentioned at all. This requires a greater amount of effort and context to get the message through—the child would need to know already that dessert would be withheld unless the carrots are eaten, or that they are the key to growing. On the other hand, the command-version of the first statement (complete with exclamation point) makes the request crystal clear as well as signaling that this is something of importance to the parent. Very direct statements like this can be off-putting and potentially feel unkind, especially if used often. Phrases that ask a question instead can imply that this is a choice or an invitation for a negotiation. “Eat your carrots!” does not invite a response, whereas “Would you mind finishing your carrots?” suggests that you might be willing to accept either a refusal or an offer of something else in exchange for eating the vegetable, which could make your path toward compliance less straightforward.
Stories from Home: My wife has a tendency to use questions with the kids when they really don’t have a choice about the thing. Like, “We’re leaving in ten minutes, okay?” I think she feels like this is just nicer, and that they’ll leave more easily if they agree to it. But most of the time they don’t agree, so it doesn’t work.
Sometimes you need to rely on several types of sentences to get your message across. If something’s important, you may have to say it more than once—it’s not uncommon for people to need to hear a message multiple times before they are ready to absorb and respond to it. But repeating requests in exactly the same way can sound like nagging and makes people stop listening, so taking different approaches can increase your chances of being heard.
Lastly, an important variable in how your message will come across is not based on you at all, but on who is doing the listening. We each have our own individual style, but we can also tailor things to different listeners. Even if some people are just more comfortable being very direct while others feel better with gentle suggestions and questions instead, we do also take into account how we think the other person will best hear the message. A very direct parent with a very sensitive child, for instance, quickly learns to temper their statements to make sure not to overwhelm the child by coming on too strong.
Stories from Home: When my daughter was a toddler, we were visiting my sister and she was playing with a ball in the house. My sister told her to stop by saying, “No, don’t do that, we don’t play ball in the house.” Even though there was nothing wrong with what she said in general, and was something she would have said to her own kids without any problem, it was too intense for my daughter. Her face crumpled and she started wailing. My sister was so shocked by it! It made me realize that, like my sister, I’m very direct most of the time with most people, but I had learned to use a different approach for talking to this child.
While this story illustrates a natural meeting of the child’s needs and the parent’s choices, sometimes conscious thought is needed about what will work best for a specific listener, both in terms of word choice and tone.
“It’s Not What You Say, It’s How You Say It”
What does it mean when you raise your voice? Or go very quiet instead? What things do you do with your face to signal annoyance, or seriousness, or delight? What about how close you’re standing to your child, or how often you’re making eye contact? The signals that you send with your nonverbal cues can be as important as the words themselves.16 Everything from your posture to your hand gestures to whether your arms are crossed or uncrossed sends meaning. It’s important to make sure that you’re consistent across both the verbal and the nonverbal aspects of your message.
Stories from Home: My kids are very sensitive to the way I say no. If I hesitate first, or say it in at all a soft way, they’re pretty sure the topic is open for (endless) discussion. But when I’m totally sure that it’s out of the question, apparently I say no in a way that makes it clear that it’s never going to happen, and they know not to bother asking again.
Key Point: If something is important, make your point in more than one way, and make sure your tone matches your words.
Avoiding missteps in communicating with children involves being proactive in what you say, when you say it, and how you say it. Here are five suggestions for crafting your language in ways that are likely to get your messages across:17
•Just the facts. What happened, what’s the crux of the situation or disagreement, and what needs to happen to reach a resolution? This may seem obvious, but statements of fact are not as common as you might think. For instance, let’s say your not-that-young child knocked their glass off the table, and let’s say your first reaction was feeling annoyed at them for not paying attention or for putting the glass too close to the edge. Instead of saying so, a simple statement of the facts can buy some breathing room: “The drink spilled, so we’ll need to get some paper towels.” The observation may be a safer way to begin the conversation, instead of firing off something that ends up feeling like a judgment.
•Explain yourself and your feelings. By explaining your “why,” you prompt your child to see things from your perspective. You may also buy some goodwill by flattering your child because you’ve trusted them with the ability to understand the underlying motivation of the situation. In addition, don’t underestimate your kids’ ability to understand your feelings, if you explain them. Statements like “I’m angry” and “I’m frustrated” can change how they react next.
•Watch your cues. The things you signal with your tone of voice, your expressions, and the volume you’re speaking at send messages of their own, and need to be consistent with the message you’re trying to send.
•Say less. Sometimes more explanation is required, but oftentimes, too many words just cloud the air. Teenagers in particular seem to respond to this “less is more” approach. “Laundry” all by itself can be as effective as, or more so than, “I’ve been asking you repeatedly for over an hour to put your laundry away!”
•Write things down. Like the one-word tactic, this one is designed to take a significant amount of extra words off the table, and some possible defensiveness along with them. A well-placed note on the refrigerator or a quick text message can work just as well and allow you to save requests that are more important for spoken conversation.
Key Point: Mix up your approach to getting your messages through to your kids: stick to the facts, preemptively explain why, identify your own emotions and tone, use fewer words, and write things down.
Addressing Negativity Immediately
Most tricky conversations have a backstory. Things usually escalate because one or both of you already has opinions, points to be made, and emotional energy. There are two techniques that are helpful for defusing this tension.
•Venting. When another person comes at you “hot”—that is, emotionally charged and bound up in feelings of unfairness and indignation—they are not going to be able to listen to you at all in that moment. Tactically, then, you need a conscious strategy to allow the emotional intensity to pass before you can have a reasonable conversation. Make a decision to allow the other person to vent before you say a single word of substance. Just decide to nod and look understanding while your child rants for a minute or so because nobody can be a reasonable thinker, let alone an effective problem-solver and cooperative family member, with a head full of steam. Allowing for that moment of uninterrupted venting clears the air enough that a productive conversation can begin. You can then decide whether to proceed with your own side of the story or postpone the whole conversation. Either way, the emotions need to fade to the background before people can turn their attention toward a productive perspective on the situation, and hopefully be ready to move toward consensus and solutions.
Key Point: Let your child vent to get past an intense emotion. This can make the rest of the conversation more productive.
•Address objections out loud and right at the beginning. If you start your conversation with some great ideas for solutions, you may find your comments falling on proverbial deaf ears as your child is instead mentally ready with objections and rebuttals. If instead their concerns have been addressed upfront, it relaxes their need to feel heard on those issues, and they can be ready to open up to the rest of the conversation.18
Stories from Home: I have found that I need to start many conversations with my children with the sentence “I understand why this feels unfair to you, because you think that …” Doing this makes them visibly relax, and you can just see them letting go of those arguments they were ready to fire off at me, and now try to think it through from a different angle.
Key Point: It sometimes feels counterintuitive to force yourself into talking about the drawbacks of an idea or issue before getting into its potential benefits, but doing so is a surprisingly useful way to encourage a better reception of your ideas.
Establishing an Agenda Ahead of Time
Typically, big meetings at work are introduced with an agenda sent out to all participants so that people know what to expect, can organize their thoughts on the topics, or suggest new points of discussion. Mostly, we don’t need to do this at home. But occasionally, it might be worth it to preannounce a negotiation as it gives the entire interaction another layer of seriousness and changes the way both sides approach it. Most big and important conversations with your children have been on one or both of your minds for some time. If you do announce the upcoming discussion, you may be able to have a more reasonable discussion as both you and your child have had time to think through what you might want to say and how.
Stories from Home: My son is really immature sometimes and likes to talk to us like he’s a walking YouTube star or vlogger and it drives my husband CRAZY. My husband’s calmness goes out the window with zero-to-sixty speed and yelling often follows. I told my son we were going to have to talk about this in a calm moment. Later, I explained how some speech patterns are fine for using with his friends but with adults, he needed to tone it down. Because he was prepared for it, we had a good talk and it seems to have sunk in at least somewhat, and we’ve seen a decrease in the frequency of these volatile moments.
Key Point: Share your upcoming agenda with your child ahead of time, even if just verbally and informally.
On the Same Team
The more we see ourselves as partners and teammates, the easier our relationships become. This is rooted in the similarity effect, which means that we are incredibly comfortable with others who share an identity, background, opinions, personality characteristics, or physical features with us. Even a fellow fan of your favorite sports team or a graduate of your alma mater immediately feel like an old friend. While we generally feel we are on the same team as the other members of our family, it can be very valuable to highlight this in strategic ways to conjure our sense of alignment. This can mean a wide range of things, but one of particular use for parents is the idea of the common enemy.
Stories from Home: My sister and her teenage son have a very contentious relationship. But one thing I’ve noticed is that they do really well when they need to join forces to fight against someone or something else—for example, agreeing that the school’s policy on something is really unfair and trying to get it changed. I call it “you two against the world” when I see it happen, and I’m always amazed at how well they do with each other when they’re in the middle of it!
Key Point: Remind your child that you are on the same team and in this together.
FIVE BIG IDEAS ABOUT CONFLICT AND COMMUNICATION
•We learn how to resolve conflict; we aren’t born knowing how. Parents who engage in more constructive, collaborative styles of conflict resolution model effective problem-solving for their kids.
•Conflict can be unpleasant, but it doesn’t always have to be harmful. It can provide an opportunity to better understand the perspective of your child and create mutually beneficial solutions.
•We all have dominant approaches. There are lots of ways to parent, to handle conflict, and to communicate. At the same time, work to recognize your dominant approaches, and develop the ones that are less easy for you. The most effective parenting comes from being able to choose the right approach for the right time, instead of being locked into any one response.
•We need to know when to decide and when to discuss. Balancing the needs for control (getting to make decisions on your own because you’re the parent and know what’s best) and responsiveness (allowing your child to make decisions out of both respect and to give them a chance to learn and grow) is difficult to do, but important in the big picture.
•Good communicating takes work. Communicating clearly is not as natural as it seems, so giving thought to choosing your words (such as using more direct speech, using fewer words when you can, or keeping silent while your child needs to vent) can help make the most of your conversations.
NOTES
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10. Smetana, J. G. (2011). Adolescents’ social reasoning and relationships with parents: Conflicts and coordinations within and across domains. In E. Amsel & J. Smetana (Eds.), Adolescent vulnerabilities and opportunities: Constructivist and developmental perspectives (pp. 139–158). New York: Cambridge University Press.
11. Baumrind, D. (1967). Child care practices anteceding three patterns of preschool behavior. Genetic Psychology Monographs, 75(1), 43–88.
12. Thomas, K. (1976). Conflict and conflict management. In M.D. Dunnette (Ed.), Handbook of industrial and organizational psychology (pp. 889–935). Chicago, IL: Rand McNally.
13. Kopystynska, O., Paschall, K. W., Barnett, M. A., & Curran, M. A. (2017). Patterns of interparental conflict, parenting, and children’s emotional insecurity: A person-centered approach. Journal of Family Psychology, 31(7), 922–932.
14. Gilovich, T., Savitsky, K., & Medvec, V.H. (1998). The illusion of transparency: Biased assessments of others’ ability to read our emotional states. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 75(2), 332–346.
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