When Two Become One

My lover thrust his hand through the latch-opening;

my heart began to pound for him.

I arose to open for my lover,

and my hands dripped with myrrh,

my fingers with flowing myrrh,

on the handles of the lock.

Song of Songs 5:4–5

Rob and Sherry were a fun couple, both in their early thirties, clear-eyed and still full of determination for the dreams they had for the future. Married four years, they had no children but were hoping to start their family in the next year or so after buying a house. Rob worked as a CPA, and Sherry was a teacher finishing her master’s degree. They were active in their church, took fairly good care of themselves, and had a healthy social life. It was clear that they loved each other as they sat holding hands on the couch, but there was obvious tension in the air.

Sherry began. “I hope you can help us get past a real sore spot in our marriage. It’s getting worse over time instead of better, and we’ve got to do something about it. It has to do with our sex life, and I understand that’s something you specialize in.”

I praised their maturity in agreeing to address it together, and Sherry continued. “I don’t know how to say this except that ever since the first few months of our marriage, I’ve felt critiqued by Rob during sex. He doesn’t actually say anything, but I can sense his criticism or displeasure, which makes me feel self-conscious and angry. The times I’ve asked him what’s wrong, he says he just wishes I were more active in bed or something. I feel like he’s comparing me with his old girlfriend—Rob lived with a woman for a while when he was in college before he became a Christian. We’ve worked through that and I’ve forgiven him for the stuff he did before he was saved, but, when we’re having sex, I still feel like I’m never living up to whatever she was like. It’s like there are three of us in the room instead of just us two.”

They’d been facing me to this point, but Rob now turned and looked directly at Sherry, a grieved look on his face. “Honey, I am not comparing you with Tori! I know I did that a couple of times when we were first married, and you know I could kick myself for it—it was one of the stupidest things I’ve ever done—but I’ve apologized at least a hundred times. I’ve told you that was a sick relationship from the get-go and I am infinitely more blessed to be with you than with her! I love you with all my heart, and I wish I’d never been with Tori or any other woman—maybe none of this would have ever been a problem.”

Turning to me, he continued. “It’s like even though I’ve apologized and tried to reassure her, we just can’t get past that old comparison. It’s like Sherry doesn’t even like sex anymore, and we’re both so tense and guarded in the bed. I feel like anything I do or say makes her feel compared. She’s become so passive, and she hardly ever has a climax. I don’t want her to be having sex just for my sake—I want us to really enjoy being together!”

I love working with couples like this. It’s not that they don’t have a problem—they certainly do. Premarital sex always (and I repeat, always) creates some degree of problems, with comparison and distorted expectations being some of the most common. But Rob and Sherry were two mature people who truly loved each other. What’s more, they loved the Lord and were committed to their marriage and to working this problem through. That’s a lot of reason for hope for real change and growth.

This was an intimate marriage between two mature people. Looking at the Lovemaking Cycle, we confirmed that they were able to ensure privacy, energy, and time. They allowed themselves to mentally anticipate, had some fairly clear ways of initiating, and mutually consented to lovemaking. They were fine in the first quadrant of the model. The problems arose as they transitioned into the second quadrant, Arousal.

In this phase, couples begin to allow their bodies to communicate the same message their hearts and lives have expressed throughout the day. This requires tuning out the world and tuning into each other as clothing is removed and they become naked physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. As they begin to caress each other’s erogenous zones, their awareness becomes flooded with a plethora of sensory cues.

As much as our bodies hunger for this kind of touch and our hearts yearn to be ravished, many couples struggle greatly with allowing for it. If there is going to be a breakdown in lovemaking, quadrant two is often where it occurs. This is because the first key ingredient for arousal is a playful vulnerability. We must come to the marital bedroom in the same childlike spirit that Jesus instructed us to come to the Father. This is not a childishness but a child-likeness, full of curiosity, excitement, and willingness to risk.

To be vulnerable means to become so transparent that we hold nothing back; we become entirely naked physically, emotionally, and spiritually. We give all that we are to our spouse and receive all of who our spouse is, with nothing between us. The antithesis of this is cultures in which sex is viewed so disparagingly that couples never see each other naked. I’ve heard of a group in which couples had sexual relations with a sheet between them with a hole in it to allow for penetration. Although this sounds absurd to us, we can easily create the same effect emotionally and spiritually by giving our body but holding back our soul and our spirit. We can complete the act and never really give our self.

This is a common experience for many couples, because making ourselves vulnerable puts us at risk of being hurt—being spurned or criticized or made to feel foolish. No one wants to experience these things, but, when we try to guard against them, we fail to give ourselves completely in love. We can guard ourselves in many ways, such as only partially disrobing, insisting that all lights be turned off, stifling any talk or sounds of pleasure, focusing on fetishes or fantasies and objectifying our spouse so we don’t really connect with him or her, rushing through the act to get it over with, or passively giving our body while our mind turns to other things. Each of these is an example of giving our body while holding back our spirit and soul.

Psychiatrist and author Dr. Eric Berne developed a school of thought in the 1960s called transactional analysis in which he suggested that human beings interact with each other out of three distinct ego states: the parent, the adult, and the child. The parent ego state is the moralistic part of us that discriminates between right and wrong. It serves to keep us in line, to discipline our desires, and to ensure responsible action. Couples interact parent to parent when trying to make important decisions concerning the life of their family. Our parent state helps preserve social order and is largely responsible for growth and maturity throughout life. However, it can also cause unnecessary anxiety if it becomes overly harsh and critical.

The adult ego state is our normal rational mode of operation in adulthood. This is the part of us that, without much debate or hesitation, works a job, pays the bills, cleans the house, raises the children, interacts with neighbors, and basically carries on with life. In a healthy marriage, couples most often interact with each other adult to adult.

The child ego state is the part of us that knows how to have fun. It is the part that allows us to really enjoy life, to be adventurous, to drop our inhibitions and forget ourselves. It is in the child state that we can tease, laugh, play, explore, and be creative. Unfortunately, this is often an uncomfortable and unfamiliar state for many adults who have not allowed themselves to really play since they were children. Couples who want to experience the fullness of God’s plan for sexuality must let go of their inhibitions and come to the marital bed child to child.

Instead, many couples come to sex in their critical parent mode, reserved and uptight, wondering if sex is wrong or bad or dirty or a sin. They obsess over their bodies: How could my partner possibly be turned on by me? They critique themselves or their spouses and their sexual performance. They may be harsh and demanding, as was the legalistic husband in the previous chapter.

Other couples come to sex in their utilitarian adult mode, still thinking about their jobs, worrying over bills, distracted by the chores they haven’t finished. Their sex is fairly staid and almost businesslike. Though they may complete the act, it will be relatively devoid of joy and neither particularly memorable nor bonding. It can feel like simply another thing to do before the day is over.

In the parent or adult modes, joy and spontaneity are dampened and can even be destroyed. Couples become spectators instead of active participants, sitting up on the bedpost instead of frolicking with each other in the bed. This is what had happened to Rob and Sherry. They were both so guarded that they couldn’t play. Apologies had been made and forgiveness granted, but they had been unable to come back together in a spirit of play and reckless abandon. As soon as they recognized this, they became more intentional about being playful and found that their lovemaking improved dramatically and rapidly.

It is only in the child state that the passion and wonder of becoming one are set free to join us body, soul, and spirit, unreserved and unashamed. Couples must learn to play with each other. This may require some therapy or counseling if you have areas that need healing, but it may be as simple as scheduling more fun dates and playtime into your lives. Go bike riding or picnicking together, play tennis, see a comedy, double date with another fun couple. Do whatever you enjoy but learn to let go, to risk, to laugh, to squeal, to groan in uninhibited enjoyment of each other.

In that spirit of playful vulnerability, couples begin to explore each other. They may take turns being the initiator and the receiver, or they may explore each other simultaneously, but they must both tune into the other. In the Song of Songs, we have beautiful pictures of “browsing among the lilies” and enjoying all “the choice fruits of her garden,”[1] a couple being together in that intimate place with no barriers between them. Sometimes the Lover is the initiator, and sometimes it is the Beloved.

Remember that this is not “sex for the man.” It is very easy for men to consistently play the active role and women the passive, because the sex drive is almost always stronger in the male. Testosterone, the hormone principally responsible for the sex drive, is present in men at roughly fifteen times the level in women. But once lovemaking is initiated, arousal has more to do with actively inviting passion than it does with hormones. Couples are encouraged to explore each other with curiosity, fascination, titillation, and teasing.

Many husbands express frustration that their wives are not responsive enough in bed. Certainly this is sometimes due to the wife not tuning into her body and letting herself go, but many times it is because the husband is expecting her to respond in exactly the same way he does. A man’s arousal can be fairly simple and physiological, with or without much romance or other emotional connecting. A little physical touching and he can be ready to go. But God’s design for female sexual response requires that a man explore his wife’s thoughts and emotions in addition to her body. Taking a slower, more sensitive and relational approach coaxes a woman out to play rather than requiring her to become instantly aroused by touch alone. It also enables the husband to make love to her whole person and not just to her body, because she is more fully engaged (as is he, by that point). An old French saying suggests, “There are no frigid women, only clumsy men.” There is probably some real truth in that! Learn to mutually explore each other—body, soul, and spirit.

As couples tune into and stimulate each other, their attention must shift from the things that could distract them to a growing awareness of their sensate pleasure. Arousal is cued on all five of our senses. This is the most critical aspect of Arousal, and without it couples will not be able to flow into the next quadrant.

Attending to your senses means tuning into sensuality. Sensuality is not a specifically sexual term; it simply means that something is stimulating to the senses. We can understand sensuality by thinking of a nice trip to the beach. We experience the incredible smell of the salt air and the warmth of the sun on our bodies and the hot sand under our feet. We see the beauty of the rolling waves and the horizon, the breathtaking sunsets, the palm trees, and the sea oats blowing in the wind. We feel the surf as it breaks against our legs and enjoy the sensation of being buoyed up on the waves. There is the taste of salt water in our mouths and the sound of gulls in the air, the crashing of the waves, and children laughing. All of our senses are bathed as we soak in these pleasures, and we can stay for hours, enjoying the experience.

Or think of another sensual experience: Thanksgiving dinner. We look forward to it every year. Ah, there’s anticipation! Much of the reason we enjoy it is because it is such a feast for our senses. Thanksgiving is much more than a simple meal. It is marked by the sounds of laughter and chatter as family and friends come together, hugging each other and expressing their love. The house is filled with incredible aromas, and we sneak tastes of each dish as it is brought from the kitchen. A visually beautiful banquet is set before us, brimming with tastes and textures. All five of our senses are stimulated as we sate our appetites and enjoy each other’s company. What a great time of celebration, and what a wonderful way to worship the Father as we bask in his goodness! God is glorified in our bodies through our sensual feasting.

We would not dream of blocking our enjoyment of these pleasurable sensate stimuli. It would be odd if we didn’t want to simply be flooded with them. But blocking is what often happens to couples in sexual union, for a host of reasons. Sensate blocking is more than just not getting turned on. It is consciously or unconsciously working against becoming aroused. This can result from a poor body image, negative messages about sex, poor communication, or conflict in the marriage. It can be a reaction to feeling that your spouse is only using you for sex and doesn’t really love you. And, clearly, it can be a response to feeling compared to someone else, as in Rob and Sherry’s case. No one wants to flood one’s awareness with sensual cues that are paired with such messages.

One of the most common reasons for blocking is sexual trauma from the past, because the sensate cues that would normally produce arousal have instead been paired with fear and violation. The unconscious mind will powerfully resist stimuli that can trigger past trauma. This is part of why therapy is so important for survivors of sexual abuse. If we cannot embrace sensuality in the bedroom and allow it to wash over us, our bodies will not respond as we want them to, and we will be robbed of the fullness of what God intended.

I often do an exercise with couples that is helpful in working on arousal. Make a list of all five senses on a piece of paper—sight, smell, taste, touch, and hearing. Next to each, write down all the things you can think of that cue you for sexual arousal. Examples might include the smell of your spouse’s perfume or cologne, the taste of her kiss, the sound of his voice, the sight of her legs, the feel of a warm shower, the touch of his fingertips. You might also include less distinctly sexual things such as the glow of moonlight on the water, a gentle evening breeze, soft candlelight, the feel of fresh bed sheets, romantic music, the taste of strawberries dipped in chocolate. A variety of things can cue you for sexual arousal.

Next, make a list of all the things you can think of that turn you off. These might include body odor or bad breath, a crass joke or slang, the feel of razor stubble, a beer gut, an icy cold room. Again, you might include seemingly unrelated things, such as the bloated feeling of having eaten too much, a critical comment made earlier in the day, bright lights, the background noise of the TV, an old worn-out nightgown. You may need to include things that would normally be arousing but which, for you, are paired with past sexual abuse, such as a certain phrase or smell or being touched on a certain part of your body.

What I have found is that sometimes people’s list of turnoffs is longer than their list of turn-ons. This is obviously a problem. Perhaps they have never really allowed themselves to think about what gets them aroused, or perhaps they have so many negative impressions about sex that most everything associated with it shuts them down.

As you compare your list with your spouse’s, work to increase your incorporation of positive cues and to actively reduce the negative ones. You may find that you can learn to repair many of the turnoffs, and they can become turn-ons, as you now cue them to each other and the love that you share. Be sure to claim back anything the enemy has stolen from you through sexual abuse.

As the two of you discuss these admittedly awkward things, expanding your repertoire of turn-ons and eliminating as many turnoffs as you can, recognize that you are greatly enhancing your intimacy as you come to know each other more fully. By choosing to be so transparent and by lovingly responding to each other’s desires, you are doing more than just making your sex life better. You are deepening your ability to make love. Very few couples enjoy this level of honesty and vulnerability.

The final ingredient for Arousal is simply to let the passion build. If you recall the Masters and Johnson model discussed in chapter 4, a plateauing stage is reached just prior to orgasm. There comes a point at which you must become somewhat self-focused on the pleasure you are experiencing, inviting and embracing it. This may seem antithetical to the process of connecting with each other, but remember that lovemaking is about giving and receiving. If we remain so focused on giving to the other person that we don’t allow ourselves to acknowledge what we are receiving, the ecstasy of orgasm will not wash over us. We must invite it.

This can be difficult for many people, especially women who have been enculturated to always be in the serving role. They may become highly aroused but repeatedly back off from climax because of discomfort with having the focus entirely on themselves. Men who experience delayed ejaculation sometimes evidence this same hesitancy to receive. If you have ever had a loved one not know how to gratefully receive a Christmas gift, you can understand that it is no sign of love to refuse a spouse’s gift of sexual pleasure. It is a paradox of lovemaking that we must fully give and fully receive, just as we must fully give ourselves to God and fully receive the gift of himself. Then, and only then, do we become one.

The couple who is able to be playfully vulnerable, mutually exploring each other’s body, soul, and spirit, and who can flood with the sensory cues of lovemaking and allow their passion to build is ready to spill down into the third quadrant of our model, the Apex. This is the consummation of the act of two becoming one.

In what ways could you and your spouse create a more playful spirit in the bedroom?

Are there ways in which you could become more exploratory with your spouse physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually?

List your sensual turn-ons and turnoffs, as explained in the chapter. Are there ways you could expand the ones that cause arousal? Are there any turnoffs you could eliminate?

Do you need to become more comfortable receiving sexual pleasure? If so, are you resolved to doing so?