WHAT IS APPROPRIATE? COMMON
AREAS OF TENSION
Questions of where, when, why, how, with what, which part, how long, and with whom all involve conflicts regarding the appropriateness of sexual activity. In this chapter we are not addressing the issue of moral right or wrong but rather the question of what is comfortable between spouses in marriage. We are primarily talking about the emotional and personal acceptability of various kinds of sexual activities rather than about their being right or wrong from a moral or biblical perspective. However, when sexual activities do involve a moral decision, we will look at the biblical view. For those interested in further study of biblical sexual ethics, we suggest the book Sex for Christians by Dr. Lewis B. Smedes.
Traditional vs. Experimental
The question of appropriateness can be thought of in terms of the traditional versus the experimental. Sexual activities that have become accepted over the years as the natural positions, styles, or stimulations—traditional approaches—are often thought to be the “right way” to make love. Many people are uncomfortable with any deviations from the traditional approach to lovemaking between a husband and wife. Yet an open, experimental attitude toward sexual activity in marriage is an essential ingredient for keeping the spark alive.
Places
“There is only one right place to make love. That is in bed, under the covers, with nightclothes on.” Right? Not so. It may be the most comfortable, and it may be the least vulnerable, but there is nothing sacred or exciting about that setting. Keeping a sexual relationship alive requires experimentation and variety. Yet, unless both people are open to new approaches, such attempts may cause stress.
A newly married couple experienced difficulty with where they might make love The woman was an experimenter, and the man was a traditionalist. Whenever his new bride tried to initiate an activity that allowed more freedom, the man resisted. One day she encouraged him to join her for a time of sex play on the bear rug in their den. He sneered in response to her suggestion. She felt judged. And so their tension continued.
Experimentation without stress grows out of communication. Talking about possible places and new settings can bring positive anticipation when both spouses feel heard, respected, and valued for their ideas and feelings. Experimenting with locations will bring adventure and excitement. Even a minor change of switching directions on the bed can bring a whole new perspective.
There are boundaries that need to be heeded when choosing a setting. The key criteria have to do with respecting the space and privacy of others and the privacy and comfortableness for both spouses. Given these guidelines, there are really no limitations. Some couples enjoy shifting to another bedroom and a different bed. Others prefer a couple of comforters on the bedroom floor or in front of the fireplace. Outdoor possibilities include the swimming pool, the backyard, the beach, or the forest. When there is adequate privacy, these locations bring an exciting quality that can be quite delightful. Anything from being on top of a dining room table to being underneath it or anywhere in between can be a possibility. One couple purchased a massage table and took turns pleasuring each other on the table as a significant part of their sexual experience.
Looking for new places will work only when both spouses are comfortable with the idea. Pushing another person will only produce tension. When you experience stress about experimentation, negotiate your differences. The experimenter must be willing to take the initiative but, at the same time, be considerate while the other spouse attempts to overcome his or her hesitancy. So whether it is your pickup camper or your attic, it will take some holding back by the experimenter and some stretching by the more conservative spouse.
Positions
Having grown up in constricted settings, the two of us were determined to keep our sex life new and exciting. During our five-day honeymoon, we attempted to make use of every position we had read about or could imagine. It was like a beginning piano student trying to play a Chopin concerto before he knows the C major scale. It didn’t cause us any particular harm, but it certainly was not necessary, nor that beneficial, at that stage in our marriage.
We think of the sexual relationship as a time of flowing, moving, and enjoying each other’s bodies. In that process, we are likely to change from one position to another. A focus on getting into position may be likened to a still photograph, stilted and lifeless. But when positions flow naturally out of the couple’s enjoyment of being together, it is like a movie, filled with motion and life. Yet, couples are likely to find they establish a fairly consistent position for entry.
The most traditional position for entry is the missionary position. It apparently received this name from the Hawaiians, who observed this behavior in the missionaries and thought it strange. In this position, the man is on top of the woman, with the woman lying on her back. Many couples prefer this position. It permits more solid clitoral contact, especially when the man moves his body farther up on her body during intercourse.
What are the alternatives to the man-on-top position? A natural variation is to have the woman on top—just a reversal of the traditional missionary position. The advantage to this position is the freedom it allows the woman. Often the woman needs more specific stimulation than does the man. When the woman is in the top position, she can be more active in going after the specific stimulation she needs.
The focus is on her having control of her own pleasure. If that is uncomfortable for her, she will not feel as free as she might in some other position. Some women do not feel comfortable pursuing pleasure. They adopt a double standard: It is acceptable for a man to be active in the pursuit of sexual stimulation, but it isn’t appropriate for the woman to do so. The man may have difficulty with the woman-on-top position as well. He may feel that his manhood and leadership are challenged when his wife is on top. This man probably would not feel dominated if he and his wife were hanging wallpaper together, and she was on a stepladder while he was standing on the floor. But somehow the symbolism of the woman being above the man in the sex act has more meaning. Misconceptions about submission and dominance have caused a great deal of stress and turmoil in people’s lives. Couples need to get their views out in the open, study them together, and find ways of incorporating the concept of mutuality into their sexual relationship.
Other intercourse positions include the lateral position. Both partners lie on their sides, with one person straddling one of the other person’s legs, rather than being between them. This position can bring greater pleasure for women who experience more stimulation when the penis directly strokes the side of the vagina. There are obviously four variations of the lateral position. The man may be on top straddling the woman’s right or left leg, or the woman may be on top straddling the man’s left or right leg.
Standing or sitting can provide interesting variations. A fully pregnant woman might lie on her back with her buttocks at the edge of the bed while the man either kneels or stands at the side of the bed, holding her legs, so that he does not rest on top of her. Sometimes couples find that the rear-entry position, in which the man enters the vagina from behind the woman’s legs rather than from in front of her, is most arousing for the woman. There are some advantages to this position. It allows the man’s hands easy access to the woman’s breasts and clitoris for direct stimulation. However, there is the disadvantage of the lack of face-to-face contact, which can be essential for a feeling of intimacy. Some women find the rear-entry position intolerable because of air pressure that builds in the vaginal cavity.
There are valid reasons to experiment with new positions. Any activity, even an enjoyable one, can become boring. If you listened to only your favorite CD day after day, as much as you love it now, you would eventually be bored by it. If you went to church and always sang exactly the same songs and heard exactly the same excellent sermon, you would become bored. If you went to your favorite restaurant and ordered your favorite meal three times a week, week after week, that, too, would grow old. Sex is no different. If you behave in exactly the same way time after time, it will become ho-hum and humdrum. Many couples find that after becoming adjusted to one another and getting used to the idea of lovemaking, they want to explore new ways of enjoying each other.
A fun experience we recommend for couples is to find a book that has diagrams of various positions. Then plan a time, create a mutually enjoyable atmosphere, and have fun practicing getting your bodies into the different positions without attempting entry. You could be in the nude, fully clothed, in underwear, or wearing what you wear to sleep. After this experiment, you might categorize the positions into (1) those you’d love to use for intercourse, (2) those you’d like to try but are not sure will actually be positive for the two of you, and (3) those that will never work for you.
Develop an attitude of openness and freedom so that you can let the choice of position grow out of the feelings of the moment. Thus you will not be overly concerned with the question of which position to use. We like to think of letting positions evolve out of the experience, rather than getting into position, as if you were on the scrimmage line in a football game waiting for the whistle to blow.
Style
Another question of appropriateness has to do with lovemaking style. When a couple is getting bored with their sexual experience, they have usually developed a routine style of lovemaking. It may be that at five o’clock in the morning, the man wakes up and rolls over. Experiencing his morning erection, he does certain things to his wife, and she gets the message that he is interested. They go through a ritual, entry takes place, and they move to orgasm—or at least he does. Once they have ritualized this pattern, they seldom deviate from it unless they are out of town on vacation by themselves. But as soon as they return home, they fall into the same old pattern.
If this is your situation, whether you are the man or the woman, do some experimenting. If the ritual is offensive to you, plan a time to talk about it. If it is just boring, take the initiative to plan some new elements into your sexual times. Schedule to be together at a time different from the usual. Prepare the room with candlelight and your favorite music. Start by focusing on pleasuring each other’s bodies. If you usually make love in the dark, turn on the lights. If you usually turn on the lights, make love in the dark. Anything that will bring some change and variety is likely also to add a new spark.
Accouterments
Accouterments are small items that are used to pleasure each other. We recommend a creative pleasuring experience. Each spouse chooses three to five items that are different in texture. Start pleasuring each other’s backs with the chosen items. Have the other person guess what it is you are using. Then the person being pleasured is encouraged to choose his or her favorite item. For example, some people are especially responsive to touch from soft articles such as fur or wool. To pleasure your partner with a small piece of soft fur may be just the kind of experience to bring special joy and delight.
It is important to use an accouterment that will be pleasing rather than offensive. And we are certainly not suggesting a deviant use of external objects. But you can communicate your love in a new or different way through the appropriate use of something enjoyable. When couples begin to experiment with accouterments, they are often surprised at the new delights they can experience together. They use everything from various kinds of fabric to fans, feathers, or rolling pins (for stroking, not for hitting!) as special sources of touch that brings bodily pleasure. Such items bring newness, variety, and humor into the sexual loving process.
Even as you will be most totally fulfilled when you allow yourself to enter the sexual experience with abandonment, you will also be most fulfilled when your time together can include complete bodily freedom with one another. Not many couples can begin life together with such total freedom, but over time they become more and more intimate. The couples who are most satisfied are those who are moving toward greater levels of bodily freedom with one another. Total freedom means that there are no boundaries, no limits, no areas that you call a “no-no.” This is quite a contradiction to those who feel most comfortable making love in their bedclothes, under the blankets, with the lights out and the curtains drawn.
Stimulation
Stimulation and the form it takes flow out of style and ritual. A free-flowing style encourages variety, whereas a repeated routine leads to a formulaic approach to stimulation. The traditional, ritualistic approach to stimulation is often referred to as the “three-pushbutton” approach. Many of the older marriage manuals assumed that it was the duty of the man to turn on the woman, rather than a mutual pursuit of enjoying each other’s bodies. The way to turn on a woman was to kiss her, stimulate her breasts, and massage her clitoris; then she should be warmed up and ready to go. This is a rather impersonal and ineffective view of stimulation.
The fact is, most women are not excited by a predictable pattern, nor by any particular pattern. One day a woman may enjoy kissing; the next day she may not. One moment she may enjoy direct breast stimulation, and the next moment she might prefer it be very indirect. One day she might enjoy having her breasts nibbled on or sucked, and the next day that might be painful. Sometimes clitoral stimulation will be most enjoyable when done directly; other times, very indirectly. Part of the delight of the lovemaking process is learning how to respond to the desires of the moment. This moment-by-moment discovery about oneself and each other adds spark and spirit to a sexual encounter.
The kind of stimulation enjoyed will vary from one person to another, from day to day, and even from moment to moment. At the beginning of the lovemaking time the person may feel like kissing, but by the end may need more freedom for total-body movement. Kissing may be too constricting. On the other hand, a person may not feel like kissing at the beginning of the lovemaking time but will feel like it later as arousal builds. When each person listens to and takes responsibility for going after his or her own hunger in the moment, getting with those varying desires will initiate variety and freedom to enjoy the pleasure of each other’s bodies.
Once the couple learn the delights of variation, teasing, and moving from one kind of stimulation to another, the couple will prefer that kind of loving. They will find it to be the most expressive and caring. It is also more exciting and less boring.
For some people, the method of stimulation seems relatively insignificant. Others experience so much dismay and disappointment that they feel, If I have to go through this same routine one more time, I’m going to scream or quit forever. Instead of screaming, try some effective communication: an e-mail, a letter, a tape recording, or a direct verbal message. Communication is not as likely to shock your partner as is a scream. He or she is more likely to hear you. You will need to repeat your communication more than once. Do not expect that because you have changed the routine for a week, the two of you will not slip back into old habits. Just like any learning experience, sexual change will take place over a period of time rather than in an instant.
Major Conflict Areas Regarding Stimulation. There are patterns of stimulation that can cause a lot of stress between a husband and wife. One pattern more typically practiced by men causes frustration for women. This occurs when the man finds a place that is arousing to his wife, becomes attached to it, and never lets go. This is particularly frustrating for a woman when a man attaches himself to the clitoris and tries to stick with it until the woman has an orgasmic response. This is almost sure to bring irritation rather than orgasm. Most women find stimulation much more arousing when it is varied in terms of its location and its intensity. Whenever we speak in public, women ask us to tell their husbands three things: (l) not to be in such a big hurry, (2) not to stick with the “hot spots” until they’re worn out, and (3) to be able to caress and stroke each other without any specific sexual expectations.
A pattern more likely to be true of women that causes frustration for men is the woman’s hesitancy to enjoy her husband’s penis. The woman may feel shy, may be unable to because of past sexual abuse, or may be concerned that she will hurt him or will not do it correctly. The Nondemand Touching Exercise on page 134 would be a great tool for exploring and teaching ways that are comfortable for both the husband and wife to enjoy penile pleasure.
Couples often squabble about what forms of sexual stimulation are right or wrong within marriage. A typical question we are asked is, “Biblically speaking, is there any sexual technique that is not acceptable within marriage?”
Oral Sex
Everywhere we go to speak, whether it’s to a mothers’ group, a junior-high group, a high-school class, seminary students, college students, doctoral students, couples’ groups, or an interview for a magazine, the one question we can count on is, “What about oral sex?” Oral sex or oral stimulation is the stimulation of the spouse’s genitals with the mouth, lips, and tongue. The man may stimulate the woman’s clitoris and the opening of the vagina with his tongue, or the woman may pleasure the man’s penis with her mouth.
Solomon in the Song of Songs refers continually to enjoying the delights of his lover’s body. He speaks of browsing among the lilies (4:5). His wife says, “Awake, north wind, and come, south wind! Blow on my garden, that its fragrance may spread abroad. Let my lover come into his garden and taste its choice fruits” (4:16). In the following verse King Solomon says, “I have come into my garden. . . . I have gathered my myrrh with my spice. I have eaten my honeycomb and my honey; I have drunk my wine and my milk” (5:1). His lover responds, “Eat, O friends, and drink; drink your fill, O lovers.” There are many references to the oral delights of one’s lover and the enjoyment of her full body. Every part is talked about: hair, lips, neck, breasts, stomach, legs, feet. The lovers usually refer to the genitals as “the garden of spices.” The book speaks of total-body involvement. For some of us this freedom seems strange, unusual, and not part of the natural order, but the biblical model in the Song of Songs seems to embrace such freedom.
In thinking about using our mouths to find enjoyment and bring pleasure to our lover, there are usually three questions that people ask. First: Is it natural? Second: Is it right? Third: Is it clean?
When we ask whether or not something is natural, we are trying to discover the internal purpose for our creation. We are striving to avoid the violation of that perfect plan of creation. Some people find it easy to describe what is natural for themselves. However, their idea of what is natural is usually based on their own experience and does not necessarily represent what others might describe as natural. So how do we objectively determine what is natural? The Bible is specific in providing guidelines to restrict sexual activity to marriage, but within the marriage relationship there are no guidelines. Nothing is said directly about what is acceptable in our lovemaking activity. Hence what comes naturally must be the product of what we feel inside us, how we have been informed by the Scripture as a whole, and the sense of God’s Spirit directing us in relationship to our spouse.
From our perspective, oral activity becomes clearly unnatural if one of the partners is violated by it. It does not violate anyone to avoid oral sex, but it certainly may violate someone to be pushed into it. Therefore, we recommend going with the most conservative partner. The decision to respect a hesitant spouse might be compared with Paul’s concern not to offend a brother by eating meat that has been offered to idols—even though from a strictly technical point of view Paul does not find this eating of meat to be a sinful act. The sin would lie in the offense to the other person, not in the act itself. Therefore, naturalness will ultimately be defined between a husband and his wife.
The Roman Catholic Church has taken the stance that oral pleasuring of genitals is condoned as long as it does not lead to ejaculation outside the body. Ejaculation is intended for procreation and is always to occur inside the wife’s vagina. That is the natural order.
Is it right? We refer to the Bible as our authority for rightness. As we said earlier, the Bible does not speak specifically about lovemaking activity within the marriage relationship, and thus does not at any point teach about the acceptability of oral-genital stimulation. So if we are going to say it is right or wrong, we must look for some indirect scriptural teaching rather than look for a quote about oral sexual activity.
Some have thought that oral sex was included in Paul’s statements regarding men and women leaving their God-given ways and engaging in unusual acts. However, careful reading of these passages will usually show that these are references to homosexuality, not to oral activity.
The Scriptures are not clear on the matter of oral sex, and so it is one of those gray areas where various biblical teachings will come into play. The principle of what is loving and caring for the other person must be addressed. On the other hand, the teaching that our bodies are each other’s to enjoy must also be incorporated.
One thing we would caution against: Many people use Christian or moral arguments to defend against an activity that is personally uncomfortable for them. Often their moral arguments, though relatively weak, keep them from dealing with the real issues of personal emotional conflict or discomfort. By finding some obscure passage or unique interpretation, they avoid working through their own reason for the resistance. While it is sometimes easier to call on an outside authority, this can cause a person to avoid facing the genuine issues that are present and need to be discussed with one’s spouse.
The final question has to do with cleanliness. Is it clean? In an earlier chapter on the body we referred to the fact that there are three systems that open into the genital area: one sterile, one clean, and one contaminated. The urinary system is sterile when there is no infection present; that is, it has no microorganisms. The urinary system includes the penis for men and the urethra for women. The reproductive system, which includes the vagina, is clean. It is free of any disease-producing microorganisms. Finally, the rectal area and the mouth are contaminated with disease-producing microorganisms. Therefore, if the genitals are clean and washed and there are no infections present, there will be no contamination of the mouth from the genitals. If contamination takes place, it will usually be communicated from the mouth to the genitals rather than from the genitals to the mouth. The mouth carries many disease-producing microorganisms.
It is important to keep in mind that just because something is not clearly wrong or dirty or unnatural, does not necessarily make it right, natural, or necessary for you. Rather, the review of the information we have just given is intended to clear away myths and distortions concerning oral sex.
Our hope is that with the facts, you will be free to discuss your personal beliefs and feelings about oral-genital stimulation. This is a personal issue and can ultimately be resolved only between you and your spouse. Communication continues to be the essential way to arrive at a congenial conclusion. To the one who desires oral activity but is inhibited by the hesitancy of your spouse, we offer encouragement. Many couples change over time, and what was uncomfortable for one becomes more natural as that one is cared for and loved without judgment and without demand.
What About Anal Sex?
Anal sex, the penis entering the woman’s anus, is dangerous. The anus is highly contaminated, whereas the reproductive tract is sterile in men and clean in women. When the penis enters the anus, there is high risk of infections and prostate problems. If the penis enters the vagina after having been in the anus, the woman’s reproductive tract can easily become infected. In addition, the rectum is not designed for entry and thrusting. The small blood vessels along the walls of the anus and rectum break. We do not recommend anal sex.
Masturbation
One night as I was sleeping, my heart awakened in a dream. . . . My hands dripped with perfume, my fingers with lovely myrrh . . . (Song of Songs 5:2, 5 TLB)
What part does masturbation play in marriage, if any? Is it a sign of not being fulfilled, or can it be used by either or both husband and wife during a separation period? Whenever the subject of self-stimulation is raised, it inevitably brings anxiety, tension, sometimes fear, and occasionally disgust. It is one of those topics that virtually everyone has thought about, yet many have never talked about. Unless you have lived an extremely sheltered life, you have found it necessary to make some kind of decision about it. The data that you received while growing up is usually what has most clearly shaped your view of masturbation; and yet that input may be difficult to remember. The reason it is so hard to remember is that the messages were often communicated to you before you reached your first birthday.
It is inevitable that babies and children will reach for their genitals in the process of discovering their own bodies. When they do this, regardless of their age, they will discover that touching themselves genitally brings pleasure. God designed our bodies to respond with those great feelings. It is natural, therefore, that they will want to do it again. This is often the moment when the first messages about sexuality are communicated. If the child reaching down and touching the penis or the clitoris causes the mother to move the child’s hand away, this is a unique experience. There is nowhere else that child is not allowed to touch himself. He can poke his fingers in his ears, his bellybutton, or his nose without a negative reaction. However, there are areas around the household that he is not supposed to touch because they are “bad” (dangerous). Pulling the hand away from the genitals, therefore, may also be connected with “bad” or “dangerous.” The next message may be “No.” It may be because a little boy is playing with his penis while he’s getting his bath; or the no may come as a result of the little girl lying on some towel or object on the floor and rubbing herself against that object in a way that stimulates the clitoris.
These activities can make the parent uncomfortable. So the negative messages begin early. Throughout childhood, children are appropriately taught, “Don’t play with yourself in public,” but they are also taught that it’s wrong to enjoy touching themselves in private.
Parents may give warnings about what will happen if the child does engage in any kind of genital self-pleasuring. In times past, these warnings were extremely severe. Self-stimulation was said to cause warts, insanity, or the loss of one’s hair. It was suggested as the source of impotence and of congenital defects in children. We now know that there are no physical effects from self-stimulation. However, the emotional effects may cause distress. When you have been conditioned throughout your lifetime to think of an activity or feeling as wrong or dirty, evil or uncivilized, it is natural that similar behaviors or feelings will set off some immediate primitive guilt. By primitive, we mean deep or old, having a long history. This usually has its roots in your childhood.
Although our focus in this book is on the impact of self-stimulation on marriage, we do want to reference Dr. James Dobson’s teaching on adolescents and self-stimulation from his book Solid Answers.
We were teaching a class to a pastors’ forum at Focus on the Family the week Solid Answers was released. The pastors were questioning our view on self-stimulation. The coordinator of the program, Dr. Ken Ogden, asked us to come back to this issue in a moment. He returned with a copy of Dobson’s then newly released book and read the answer to question 276 on pages 286–88, which was almost identical to what we had just been teaching and confirms our findings:
Between 95 and 98 percent of all boys engage in this practice—and the rest have been known to lie. It is as close to being a universal behavior as is likely to occur. A lesser but still significant percentage of girls also engage in what was once called “self-gratification.” As for the emotional consequences of masturbation, only four circumstances should give us cause for concern.1
The first of these is oppressive guilt associated with self-stimulation, which we find is likely to be present when the child has been given a punitive message to stop. It is rare that the behavior will stop, but the child’s God-given sexual feelings become associated with risk and guilt. The consequence is that sex is “good” only when it is “bad,” which leads to a high vulnerability to premarital and extramarital sex.
The second negative emotional consequence of self-stimulation occurs when it becomes obsessive. Dr. Dobson believes “the best way to prevent that kind of obsessive response is for adults not to emphasize or condemn it.” This is similar to our finding regarding oppressive guilt. We are convinced that oppressive guilt leads to obsessive practice.
The third negative consequence results when the young person becomes addicted to pornography. We find that when the child or young adolescent first masturbates in response to an external stimulus, like pornography, rather than the first self-stimulation being a response to the God-given sexual feelings in his or her body, that young person is likely to become addicted to, or need, that external stimulus to become aroused and reach orgasm.
The fourth concern leads us to our focus in this chapter. That is, when the practice of self-stimulation follows the person into marriage and becomes a “substitute for healthy sexual relations between a husband and wife.”
The Bible and Masturbation. In times past, various Scripture passages were used to condemn masturbation. Virtually all current biblical expositors, however, believe that these passages have nothing to do with masturbation. Still, it may be of help to take a brief look at them.
The first two passages are Leviticus 15:16 and Deuteronomy 23:9–11. Moses is writing about behavior that is acceptable “within the camp.” Leviticus says, “Now if a man has a seminal emission, he shall bathe all his body in water and be unclean until evening” (NASB). The Deuteronomy passage reads, “When you go out as an army against your enemies, then you shall keep yourself from every evil thing. If there is among you any man who is unclean because of a nocturnal emission, then he must go outside the camp; he may not reenter the camp. But it shall be when evening approaches, he shall bathe himself with water, and at sundown he may reenter the camp” (NASB).
In the past, these references to a man’s wet dream were thought of as references to masturbation. We now know that wet dreams occur without being brought on by masturbation. They are the body’s way of taking care of the buildup of seminal fluid that occurs, particularly in young men, and may or may not be connected with erotic dreams. They are an automatic response that cannot be controlled by the individual. It is important to let adolescent boys know this.
If we look at the whole context of the passages, it is clear that the writer was thinking of nocturnal emissions as a natural bodily function, because he deals with other emissions from the body that occur for both men and women, including the women’s menstrual cycle. If we want to say that this is a passage condemning masturbation, then we would also have to say that the same passage condemns the monthly menstrual flow.
The primary passage used to condemn masturbation is Genesis 38:8–10. This is the story of Onan. “Then Judah said to Onan, ‘Go in to your brother’s wife, and perform your duty as a brother-in-law to her, and raise up offspring for your brother.’ And Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so it came about that when he went in to his brother’s wife, he wasted his seed on the ground, in order not to give offspring to his brother. But what he did was displeasing in the sight of the LORD; so He took his life also” (NASB).
Let us put this in context. The custom of the day was that if a man died without an heir, it was the duty of his living brother to provide an heir for him by means of a sexual union with the widow. When the son was born he would be considered the son of the deceased brother, rather than the son of the biological father. Apparently Onan did not like this idea. He wanted to operate in his own way, so in the middle of the sexual experience with his brother’s widow, he withdrew and “wasted” the semen or ejaculated outside the vagina.
This has most frequently been used to condemn self-stimulation, even though this was not an act of self-stimulation, but rather intercourse and withdrawal. It has also been said that the Lord was so angry with Onan for masturbating that he slew him. This was used to indicate how severely the Lord disapproved of his behavior. Yet the exegetes agree that this was a reference to the Lord’s displeasure with him for refusing to do the duty of a brother-in-law, rather than for the supposed masturbation. In times past, masturbation has sometimes been referred to as “onanism,” in allusion to this particular passage.
The Scriptures we have examined are the three main Old Testament passages used to condemn masturbation; but, as we can see, they provide no basis for that condemnation.
In the New Testament, 1 Thessalonians 4:3–4, Romans 1:24, and 1 Corinthians 6:9 have at times been used to condemn masturbation. All three passages are now understood to be references to homosexuality or immorality, not to self-stimulation. Hence, we must conclude that the Bible does not deal directly with the subject of self-stimulation in either the Old or the New Testament. Any biblical guidelines we could bring to this subject would have to come about as an understanding of some other principle taught in Scripture. Here we think particularly of the principles of love, of self-abuse, and of lust.
Is It Loving? Since love and respect in relationships are the guiding principle of all our behavior, it is obviously a question we must ask. To determine whether self-stimulation is loving, we must first clarify who is going to be the evaluator or the judge of that behavior. Now obviously the Lord is the judge; the Spirit within us is the judge; and we can usually determine what is loving in a practical sense toward one another. If our adult self-stimulation takes something away from our spouse, then the behavior is not loving. On the other hand, if one partner desires sexual activity far more frequently than the other, the couple might decide that masturbation is the most loving act the highly interested person can do, so as not to put the spouse under pressure. There may be periods when abstinence from intercourse is necessary. At such times, it may be most loving and adaptive to enjoy a sexual release brought about either by self-stimulation or by mutual manual or oral stimulation. Some of these occasions might be during extensive periods of separate travel or illness. When there is extreme outside pressure for one individual either relationally or vocationally, that person may prefer that the other take care of his or her own sexual needs. Or there may be times when one partner needs to be free from the pressures of sex for emotional reasons. So, while it is possible that self-stimulation could be an unloving act, there is also the possibility that using it to relieve pressure would be the more loving act, not only for the self-stimulator but also for the spouse.
Even though self-stimulation may be a loving option, many couples find that the most satisfying approach is to stimulate each other (without entry), rather than one person having a sexual experience alone.
Is It Self-Abuse? On occasion, masturbation has been spoken of as self-abuse; and yet, from a technical, physical point of view, we know that there is no difference in the physical response that occurs, whether the arousal is the result of self-stimulation, mutual stimulation, fantasy, or sexual intercourse. The physical, bodily responses are the same. Now if someone is masturbating ten times a day, this obsession would suggest emotional deprivation and a need for help both psychologically and spiritually—whether the person is married or unmarried, Christian or unbelieving. If masturbation is used as a way of avoiding contact with one’s spouse, this, too, is a deviation from the norm and a violation of 1 Corinthians 7:3–5, where we are instructed to give ourselves to each other in marriage and not to withhold except for a mutually agreed-upon time for prayer and fasting.
But if self-stimulation occurs on occasion, not as a replacement for contact with one’s spouse, but rather to provide some physical release, then it would not seem to fall into the category of self-abuse. It is not likely that healthy married adults, male or female, are going to enjoy self-stimulation more than intercourse with their spouse. If they do, then something is amiss and help is suggested.
Self-stimulation may be a way for the woman to discover what brings her the greatest bodily pleasures. If she can learn by touching her own body what brings her satisfaction, then she can communicate this to her husband. This learning could hardly be seen as either self-abuse or an unloving act, since it is designed to bring greater pleasure to their experience together.
Is It Lustful? The Scriptures say that if one so much as looks on a woman to lust after her, he has committed adultery (Matt. 5:28). The question is often asked, “Is not all masturbational activity a lustful act?” We have talked with many people and have found that this is not necessarily so. Many people report that during self-stimulation, they don’t think of anyone as a sexual partner. Others report that their thoughts are focused on their husband or wife. Still others may imagine some unidentifiable person, but only in a peripheral, still-life way, not with the intention of acting on the thought. Of course, there are many who are actively involved in lust in their mas-turbational activity. So we must be careful not to categorize all self-stimulation as lustful, but rather we need to determine from each person what is in fact happening mentally during the event.
Freedom Without Enslavement. In Romans 14:14–23, Paul teaches a principle that is also repeated in 1 Corinthians 10:23–31. The simplest way to sum up this principle is to say that many things in and of themselves are not evil or unclean, but rather become sin in their context. Romans 14:14 says, “I know and am convinced in the Lord Jesus that nothing is unclean in itself; but to him who thinks anything to be unclean, to him it is unclean” (NASB). He then goes on to talk about consideration for the other person—how we are to follow the principles of love in determining our behavior. He continues, “Do not tear down the work of God for the sake of food. All things indeed are clean, but they are evil for the man who eats and gives offense. It is good not to eat meat or to drink wine, or to do anything by which your brother stumbles” (vv. 20–21 NASB). We include self-stimulation under “do anything” here. It can be offensive and cause a great deal of stress in a relationship.
In 1 Corinthians 10:23, Paul says, “All things are lawful, but not all things edify” (NASB). Earlier in 1 Corinthians, Paul gives almost the same teaching: “All things are lawful for me, but I will not be mastered by anything” (6:12 NASB). Other translations talk about not being enslaved by anything. The principle enunciated here is that we must be sensitive to the needs of the other person. We are to be cautious in doing anything that causes someone else personal turmoil. If we are loving in how we behave, we will be understanding of our spouses. We should not be possessed, mastered, or enslaved by our sex drive, but rather should keep it in its proper subordinated place in our life. The sex drive in us is a natural, God-given drive. But it is not a drive that must be fulfilled regardless of how it makes others feel, particularly within the marriage. The principles in these passages provide us with a way to think about handling masturbation in our marriage relationship.
In summary, it is important to note that masturbation relieves the physical need and may be helpful in self-discovery for some women. However, a person’s sexual need includes far more than just the physical release. It is true that all of us need physical release. But if that is the only need being met, then we are not living up to all we were created to be. Thus masturbation can never be seen as a total fulfillment of what we were made to be, but rather as a temporary, incomplete, but sometimes necessary pleasurable physical release, or a step toward reaching greater satisfaction within our relationship. Whenever we speak of masturbation, whether we are discussing it as a couple, teaching our children, or attempting to struggle with the issues surrounding it, we must see it in its proper perspective. We might think of it as a snack that will tide us over until the real need can be met.
It is vital for us to continue to struggle with the biblical principles regarding relationships. The number one principle is to do what is loving. That is, we are not to violate the other person. This principle speaks to the person who is wanting more or wanting something different from what the other wants. For the hesitant partner, the best focus is on the principle presented in 1 Corinthians 7:5. It says that our bodies belong totally to our spouses. If the more experimental, exploratory, creative partner focuses on loving and not violating, and the hesitant partner focuses on learning to give his or her body more and more fully, then growth is sure to take place.
In addition to the two underlying principles just mentioned, we suggest using four steps to resolve conflict about what is acceptable or appropriate. These are described below.
Step 1: Communicate
To resolve a problem, you need to define clearly what the problem is. This process includes communicating how each person views the difficulty. Whether you are the hesitant one or the interested one, communicate your feelings about the activity that concerns you. This communication may include your history with this practice—the experiences you have had in the past, the teaching you received, the discomfort you feel regarding it, and anything else that may have a current effect on how you feel. If you are the one who wants to move ahead and experiment, and you are bored with the current limitations, share those feelings. Talk about your feelings concerning your present sexual relationship. Suggest where you would like to gain increased freedom in the future.
In the communication step, it is important to deal with your moral and Christian perspectives. If you view something that your partner wants as sinful, explore your ideas together. Determine where the ideas came from. Find out if the behavior actually is evil or if your reluctance comes from a part of you that is hesitant to be free and open. As you both are able, make this area of conflict a matter of study and prayer.
Step 2: Go with the Conservative Member
Whenever one person introduces a new idea the other finds negative, we recommend the decision be made in the direction of the more hesitant one. In this way, no one is violated. This is not to say that the one interested in new experimentation must be resigned to being stuck with the status quo. Rather, the conservative one is less likely to build up resistance if the negative feelings are respected. People do change, and the hesitant partner will be more likely to loosen up if he or she is not nagged, bullied, or shamed.
Step 3: “Pusher” Retreat
When we have a desire, it is natural to want to pursue it until we get our way. It is natural to want to keep going after it by mentioning it frequently, thus riding the other person about it almost to the point of harassment. Pursuit does not help resolve the problem. It only builds resentment on both sides. If the person who is interested in expanding can back off for a time, this will usually relieve pressure and allow the possibility for change to take place.
Step 4: “Hesitant One” Stretch
If you are the one who is resistant to new ideas, try to discover why. Is it because of some old conditioning that took place while you were growing up? If your father was very demanding of you, for example, requiring you to clean up every speck of food from your plate, and was slow to praise, you may be hesitant to experiment in life. Is it because of some past experience you had before you were with your current partner? Does it have to do with previous experiences with him or her? What is the hesitancy about? Experiment on your own without his or her encouragement. Stretch beyond your current limit and see how that feels. Perhaps you will discover that what you fear will not happen. Throughout all of this stretching activity, it is of vital importance to keep talking, struggling, reading, writing to yourself, and praying in order to grow. If you reach a point that causes severe stress, sometimes brief conversations with a good friend or trusted professional can bring a new perspective in those areas of tension.
Whether your concern about appropriateness has to do with positions, places, style, self-stimulation, oral sex, or anything else, share about it and make plans on how to handle it in the days ahead. These four steps may help.