33 BUILD SEXUAL PASSION
AND INTIMACY
If you’re looking for passion and intimacy, you may want to focus intentionally on building the qualities of a married sexual relationship that keeps going long after the initial spark of newness is gone. What we have to share in this chapter will not be new to you. These concepts, which summarize key points for any healthy, fulfilling, lifelong sexual relationship, have been developed throughout this book.
Go for Enjoying Rather than Scoring
Sex is not about conquering, achieving, or scoring. Sex is about relating. It is about enjoying the process and the moment. Sexual responses are not the measure of your sexual prowess or success. The measure of success is to come away from a time together with both partners feeling deeply loved, cherished, and respected.
Results-oriented sex leads to pressure and demand. When either or both of you focus on getting aroused or having a certain response, you move into the spectator role. Sex is not a spectator sport. Our bodies can’t work when they are being watched. Instead, focus on mutual pleasure, which brings deeper ecstasy than you ever imagined.
Plan Rather than Wait for Spontaneity
For some couples, unplanned, spontaneous sex works great and both spouses are happy. But for most couples, the anticipation of being together builds quality, and allotting time to be together increases quantity. If we lived in a simple world without electricity and the many other conveniences technology has brought us, we might be able to depend on spontaneity. If we had no way to continue life’s tasks once the sun went down, we would have a lot of time in bed with each other. However, in our complicated, full lives, everything is planned and scheduled. If we don’t set aside time for ourselves as couples, we will get the leftovers or maybe even less. Again, we strongly urge you to adopt our Formula for Intimacy.
Formula for Intimacy=
15 minutes per day
1 evening per week
1 day per month
1 weekend per season
Leave Anger, Shame, Guilt, and the Need for
Control Out of the Bedroom
When negative emotions and destructive ways of handling emotions are allowed in the bedroom, sex becomes encumbered with conflict and the bedroom becomes a sober place. It may feel more like a funeral parlor than like a love nest. Resolve issues outside the bedroom. If you want to make changes in your sexual pattern of relating, schedule a talk time away from the bedroom, which is associated with sexual arousal. Each define how you experience sex and how you would like it to be different. Take time to really hear and feel heard before the next spouse shares. If you can’t resolve the conflicts on your own, get help.
Identify Problems and Get Help Early
Sexual problems don’t heal with time. A downward spiral tends to develop and feed itself. The sooner you get help, the sooner you will build a positive feedback system, because positive experiences also feed themselves.
When couples come to us shortly after tension sets in or something isn’t working, we can quickly find relief and build positive solutions. When the couple have experienced years of dissatisfaction, many other resentments will have developed and the marriage will be affected in more ways than just sexually. Since we see sex as the lubricant of the marriage, when the lubricant has run out, the machine of the marriage starts to experience friction and ultimately wears down.
Accept Mutual Responsibility to Keep
Your Sex Life the Best It Can Possibly Be
Don’t focus on what you want your spouse to do to make sex better; do what you can do! What can you do?
Stay Physically Fit. Our sexual response is a physical one. If our bodies are in good shape, they are going to experience sensations more intensely and respond more effectively. We will also feel better about ourselves and, therefore, enjoy each other more fully.
Stay Well-Groomed. When our bodies look good, smell pleasant, and are clean, we will be more inviting. Tending to issues like breath, smoothness of legs for women, no harsh whiskers for men, and many other personal-care details communicates value and importance.
Stay in Touch. Even as a gourmet cook is always looking for new recipes, the sexually attentive spouse is alert to discover new feelings, sensations, and ways to enjoy pleasure. Reading is one avenue to discovery. Reading together as a couple not only provides ideas for newness, the process brings a whole new depth of intimacy.
Keep Your Sexual Feelings Turned Toward Home. Affair-proof your marriage. Accept your vulnerability. No one is exempt! The feeling or attraction is the temptation. What we do with those feelings or attractions is what leads to trouble. The action is the sin.
To affair-proof your marriage:
• Invest time and energy in building and keeping your marriage strong. A strong marriage is a protective shield against affairs.
• Claim biblical promises. First Corinthians 10:13 assures us that no temptation is greater than what others have had to face. The verse promises that “God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, that you may be able to endure it” (NASB).
• Keep your mind pure; stay free of input that encourages infidelity. What you put into your mind will eventually influence your choices. The Internet, daytime soaps, sitcoms, movies, and novels all infiltrate our minds with images not associated with a deep, fulfilling married life. To counter the distracting input in our world, be deliberate about filling your mind with marriage-enhancing information.
• When tempted, make a speedy exit; turn your heart toward home. When you see an image or a person who attracts your sexual thoughts, place your spouse in that picture and pursue the feelings and thoughts with your spouse in mind.
Make Your Differences Work for You
You have differences. Some couples have more differences to overcome than others. We came from such similar backgrounds that adjusting to our differences was fairly minor, but we did have some. Negotiate your differences rather than expect similarities. Our finding after thirty years of hearing couples’ stories and studying about our differences is that our differences are a positive, not a negative.
It is those differences that keep sex alive throughout marriage if we make them work for us rather than against us.
Work to Keep Sex Fun
Sex is to be fun, but it’s a lot more fun when you work at it:
• Anticipate time together.
• Plan for it.
• Talk about your likes and dislikes.
• Keep changing and discovering.
Create Erotic Adventures with Your Spouse
If you’re looking for an erotic spark in your life, look at home. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been married, you can nurture a deeper and fulfilling passion that will last a lifetime by planning in creative newness. Make a commitment to take risks with each other and make plans. Plan special treats to prepare yourself for sex, and plan times for the two of you. Select a favorite CD to listen to. Consider lighting options for the room you are planning to be in. Use lotions, oils, or sensuous objects to pleasure each other.
Keep Talking and Learning
Learn about your own and each other’s likes and dislikes. Read books on sex, like this one, out loud together. Take time as you read to talk about your thoughts and reactions to what you are reading. Experiment with various touching possibilities. We have been married forty years, and we are amazed that we still keep learning about each other. We still discover places to touch that bring a new level of pleasure.
We suggest that you each complete the Couple Talk exercise that follows. Use active listening skills of taking turns sharing your responses while the other one listens and reflects. Then reverse roles. You can alternate for each question or one person completes all responses first and then the other completes his/hers.
What You Want Your Spouse to Know About You Sexually
Complete the following statements and discuss with your spouse:
1. Sexually I see myself as
___________________________________________________
2. To make sex more fun, I’d like to
___________________________________________________
3. What I like about you sexually is
___________________________________________________
Women, check the response that most accurately reflects you:
| Statement | Disagree | Agree | Strongly Agree |
| It is better to keep me hungry for more than to smother, bombard, or push me. | _____ | _____ | _____ |
| Sometimes, I like kissing and cuddling that don't lead to intercourse. | _____ | _____ | _____ |
| I need to feel emotionally connected before I can connect sexually. | _____ | _____ | _____ |
| My monthly hormonal changes affect my interest in sex. | _____ | _____ | _____ |
| I like to plan for our sexual times. | _____ | _____ | _____ |
Men, check the response that most accurately reflects you:
| Statement | Disagree | Agree | Strongly Agree |
| I often connect and feel loved through sex. | _____ | _____ | _____ |
| Nothing turns me on more than when you are turned on. | _____ | _____ | _____ |
| Since your needs are complex and ever changing, I need you to guide me. | _____ | _____ | _____ |
| I feel rejected when you say no to sex. | _____ | _____ | _____ |
| I like to plan for our sexual times. | _____ | _____ | _____ |
Keep Kissing Passionately
We saved the best for last. Daily, passionate kissing is the key to keeping the spark alive in married sex life because kissing is the barometer of the state of your sexual relationship. If kissing isn’t good for you, say it just that way: “Kissing isn’t good for me.” Talk about it, but be very sensitive. Don’t blame; only express what would make it better for you. Then ask your spouse if you can spend a set-aside time teaching each other how to kiss. Take turns leading and following. We usually have the woman lead first and then the man.
Good sex in marriage doesn’t just happen, but you can make sex great by being deliberate about it. Enjoy a lifetime of growing acceptance of each other and pursue pleasure with a passion!