CHAPTER 7


Stop Apologizing and People Pleasing

I included both in this chapter because I’ve found that people pleasers tend to be chronic apologizers and vice versa. They go together like pork and beans.

I’ll start with people pleasers. People pleasers are everywhere. And it’s no wonder — we all want people to like us, to be accepted, and to be loved. So we run around nutty as a fruitcake saying yes to everyone as if our lives depended on it.

But of course, there is hope.

Here are some suggestions to help you stop people pleasing. Keep in mind, they all take practice. Find the ones that work for you and keep practicing them until they get easier. Change won’t come overnight, but it will come. The key is to make sure you’re pleasing yourself before anyone else.

• Remember, you make your own decisions. I’ll repeat this in several chapters until you are sick of hearing it because it’s true of everything. It’s one of those things that you’ll need to remind yourself over and over again. Even some of the most evolved people I know still are practicing the power of taking responsibility for their choices. You have a choice, even when you’re saying yes when you don’t want to. Don’t forget it. (See Chapter 1 if you need a refresher on owning your choices.)
• Buy yourself some time. When asked to do something, chances are you don’t have to give an answer right then and there. If you’re still practicing saying no and it feels very uncomfortable for you, you can say, “Let me check my calendar.” Or, “Lemme ask my Magic 8 Ball,” or “I’ll have to check with my husband and then I’ll get back to you tomorrow.” Any one of those will work. The extra time might help you find some strength to say no.
• Try the “If it’s not a ‘Hell yes,’ it’s a ‘Hell no’” mantra. This mantra was given to me by one of my own mentors, Jeanna Gabelinni, and has quite literally changed my life. When asked to do something, ask yourself if it’s a “Hell yes.” You’ll probably know immediately. If it’s not, even if it’s a “Hell maybe,” it’s a “Hell no.” Using this mantra also might help you become more aware of how often you’re saying yes when you don’t want to, just for the sake of people pleasing.
• Create a go-to routine before you give an answer. A few years ago, I was listening to a podcast by Brené Brown. She said when asked to do something, she spins her wedding ring on her finger in three complete circles before she gives an answer. (The example she used was when she was asked to make three dozen cupcakes for her daughter’s class the next morning. She spun her ring … and politely said no.) Like with asking for extra time to make an answer, this quick routine will give you time to take a breath, ask yourself the hell no/hell yes question, and respond accordingly.
• Don’t pile on the excuses. This tends to happen because you’re uncomfortable saying no and want to fill the awkward space, even though you’re probably imagining that awkward space in the first place. If you find yourself making excuse after excuse, just stop, notice, and don’t give any more.
• When you say no, tell yourself what you’re actually saying yes to. There’s always something — more time with your kids, time to go to the gym, a less stressful week. If you can’t think of anything tangible, know what you’re always saying yes to is yourself.
• Avoid making up a fear story of what the outcome will be if you say no. Oftentimes, people imagine these catastrophic fallouts of what will happen if they don’t say yes to the request. Someone will be mad at us or hate us. You’ll lose your job. You’ll rot in hell. Watch your thoughts here and ask yourself if that story is really true. Chances are, it’s one of those crazy fear stories from Chapter 2 that’s never going to come true.

All of this brings me to apologizing. Chronic apologizing can be an all-out life sucker. Many women I know apologize for who they are by following up their opinion with, “I’m sorry, but that’s just who I am.” I myself used to say that statement often when I was speaking my truth and knew people weren’t going to like it. Many women apologize for what they believe in, for their dreams and ambitions, for anything where other people don’t agree with them. When you’re apologizing in that way, it comes from fear, not from your heart. Think of it this way. There are two types of apologies:

1. The first comes from your heart, when you are truly remorseful for something you have done or said and are seeking forgiveness from that other person. You’re taking responsibility for yourself, and that is an act of love, an act of empowerment.
2. The second is an act of fear: fear of making someone else mad, of someone not liking you, or fear of not pleasing someone. By doing this, you’re simply disempowering yourself.

Chronic, fear-based apologizing can run pretty deep. It can be a sign that you don’t feel like you’re enough. It can say a lot about your self-esteem and self-confidence. Even more sadly, by apologizing chronically, you can end up creating more low self-esteem and it becomes a chicken-or-egg situation.

If this sounds like you, try these tips to get off the apology train:

• Be aware. It starts there, sister. Try to keep track and notice whenever you say “Sorry.” Is it in your normal conversation as often as the word “the”?
• When you find yourself about to say “Sorry,” stop yourself before the word comes out of your mouth and ask yourself if you are truly feeling remorseful at that moment or if it’s something else. Are you instead feeling embarrassed, confused, guilty, frustrated, or maybe needing to feel validated about something from the other person? Can you pinpoint what you’re really feeling instead? If so, deal with that emotion; don’t apologize.
• Dovetailing off the last point, if you’re not ready to express the way you’re really feeling, try to have a mantra that you either say to yourself or say out loud. What if instead of saying, “I’m sorry,” you said, “I’m … amazing!” or “I’m … absolutely fantastic right at this moment.” Yes, people might look at you like you’re nuts, but it’s good practice.

If you work on these two things, I promise you’ll get to a place where you feel more like the real you. Your most authentic self doesn’t need to people please or apologize profusely. Start strengthening this muscle and you’ll see an about-face in the way you feel about yourself.