CHAPTER 37


Don’t Let Comparisons Destroy You

Have you ever compared yourself to someone else? Never? Okay, robot: Skip to the next chapter.

If you’re a human being, keep reading.

I’ll bet if I asked you right now, you could name five people who you think are perfect — either people you know or don’t know. They are beautiful, have the perfect house, perfect spouse, perfect life. You wish you could either be them, or have everything they have. You’re convinced they have little to no pain in their perfect lives, and if only your life could be like theirs, everything would be, well … perfect.

My husband left me for another woman at exactly the same time Brad Pitt left Jennifer Aniston (not like I know that for sure — for all I know, she kicked his ass out). I saw her on the cover of a tabloid magazine and wondered how hard it must be to have to deal with that pain in front of the world. Practically on stage. I also wondered if it was easier for her than it was for me. After all, she had millions of dollars, a perfect body, perfect tan, perfect hair, and an awesome career.

But I realized, at the end of the day, she’s still a human being, just like me. Just like you.

“Stuff,” or money, or looks, or anything else doesn’t make painful circumstances any less painful. And even if your perfect people don’t look like they’re suffering now, I spit-swear guarantee that they have had pain, suffering, insecurities, and fear just like you and me. If you see it any other way, it just means they just do a really good job of covering it up. Before you go comparing yourself to your perfect people, just remember that everyone suffers in their own way. Live the life you were given, for it was given to you for a reason. Pain and all.

There’s a saying that goes, “If everyone threw all their problems in a pile for everyone else to see, we’d take our own back.” I absolutely believe this to be true.

Here are some tools to help you when you find your thoughts serving up a steamy pile of comparison crap:

• The first is what I like to call “labeling.” We think, “If she is prettier than me, then I’m ugly.” We label ourselves based on what we think about someone else. Instead, what if it just … was? For instance, shift it to, “If she is prettier than me, then she is just prettier than me.” It doesn’t mean anything. My hope is that instead of immediately trying to jump all the way from disempowering thoughts to positive, affirming ones (which I know can be really difficult), you can start by moving from a place of disempowerment to a middle ground of neutrality. Your first goal can be to shift your thoughts from, “She’s prettier than me” to, “Wow, she’s really pretty.” The end. Empowerment can come later when you’re feeling safe in neutrality.
• The second tool here is gratitude. I talk about this more in Chapter 44 and this is often my go-to tool. When you find yourself falling down the rabbit hole of comparing, stop and immediately list as many things you can think of that you are grateful for. It’s really hard to keep comparing, beating yourself up, and wishing you were different when your thoughts are inundated by things you love and are grateful for.
• Dovetailing off the last one is celebrating your own accomplishments. Have you stopped lately to be proud of what you’ve accomplished lately? Or ever? If this is a void in your life, it will be easier for you to fall prey to the comparison trap.
• Don’t hate, appreciate. Not long ago I was in a bistro with a friend and we were asking the girl behind the counter about the food there. This girl was beautiful. With not very much make-up on, if any, she had gorgeous skin, a sprinkle of freckles, and bright eyes. I interrupted her spiel about sandwiches and said, “You are gorgeous!” I could have let my mind wander to how much older I was than she, that I have crows’ feet and she didn’t … but instead, I stood back and appreciated her beauty and told her so. All of us can appreciate beautiful jewelry, a sunset, or a piece of art. What if we appreciated another woman’s beauty, or congratulated her for her success, or celebrated her instead of finding a way to bring ourselves down.

Comparison relates to perfectionism (see Chapter 35). The truth is there will always be someone who is stronger, prettier, richer, etc. There will always be someone to compare yourself to. Catch your comparison thinking before it spins out of control into disempowering, negative self-thoughts. Instead, separate yourself from what you’re looking at, and appreciate the other thing for what it is.