In the new millennium, there are many ways to wed that a generation ago would have raised many an eyebrow. So don’t be afraid to be daring; be true to your convictions, and make your wedding day just what you’ve always dreamed it would be.
Eloping (getting married without telling anyone first) appeals to some couples because it avoids financial, religious, or other conflicts or personal issues that may otherwise arise in the course of planning a wedding ceremony.
Couples getting married for a second or third time often elope because it cuts down on many potential complications. For example, a wedding ceremony that involves blended families and stepparents might become a family political battle, making elopement more inviting.
So if you two feel that eloping is for you, go for it: Get on a plane to Vegas or visit your justice of the peace or courthouse.
One long-engaged couple got married on the spur of the moment while on vacation in Hawaii, after discovering that their hotel had a wedding coordinator who could arrange it all for them.
Understand that if you do elope, however, some friends and family may be offended, or at least miffed, and may need a bit of time to accept or embrace your situation.
Expect that eloping may severely reduce the number of gifts you’ll receive. Some people may feel slighted because you did not include them in a ceremony or, at a minimum, a reception.
On that note, consider having a reception, no matter how informal, to publicly celebrate and have your union recognized by family and friends. This allows those close to you to offer you their personal congratulations and feel included in your marriage.
There is nothing wrong with heading to your local courthouse to say “I do” in a quick, clean, simple ceremony. In some ways, civil ceremonies are very old-fashioned and uniquely romantic.
Some couples may want to do a civil ceremony to legalize their commitment, and then plan a more elaborate celebration at a later date.
If cost is an issue for you, civil ceremonies and eloping are your best options.
Weddings that blend two nationalities, languages, religions, or cultures can often be more complex than others.
If you have a formal wedding ceremony, consider using programs to explain your unique traditions or cultural references. (See chapter 11 for more on wedding programs.)
Be sure that your officiant gives “equal time” to both heritages, so that one is not favored over the other.
Better yet, hire two officiants, one representing each religion or culture, to co-conduct your ceremony.
If your marriage blends two different languages, hire a translator for guests or have your officiant conduct a bilingual ceremony.
Despite the fact that those you invite to your wedding are supposedly your dearest and closest family and friends, you may receive some naïve or even insensitive comments from older-generation guests or others who may not readily embrace your union. Let any insensitive remarks fall like water from a duck’s back.
Remember the American groom and Argentinean bride mentioned earlier who got married in the United States and decided to acknowledge the bride’s heritage by performing Argentina’s most traditional dance, the tango, as their first dance at the reception? The guests were dazzled!
Remember that this is your wedding. Don’t let anyone dictate to you or rain on your parade.
If your wedding blends two cultures or languages, incorporate traditions from both of your heritages into the ceremony.
You may want to have two wedding celebrations, one in each country or region. For instance, one couple had one wedding in the United States for her side of the family and another in Korea for his side of the family. Parents and some very close friends and family of the couple attended both ceremonies, but the majority of the guest list was different in each country due to travel costs and time limitations.
You may choose to each recite your vows in your individual mother tongue.
There are no rules when it comes to commitment or unity ceremonies. You can design your own criteria and tweak and bend those elements that you have witnessed at traditional weddings.
Even if your marriage is not recognized as legal by your state, there is no reason not to pull out all of the stops and have the wedding of your dreams.
Commitment ceremonies can be as elaborate or as simple as you wish. Just be sure that both of you are comfortable with the style of your ceremony.
The guests you choose to invite should appeal to both of you. The guest list can often be sensitive to compile in cases where one partner’s family does not happily embrace your union. Just be sure that the people you include in your celebration are truly there to celebrate with and for you.
Anyone can perform your ceremony if there are no legal considerations involved. If you choose to have a judge or a justice of the peace, be sure that this person’s ceremony text reflects the vision of your union. (Consult chapter 13 regarding hiring your officiant.)
Check with your local gay or lesbian association for lists of people who perform same-sex ceremonies.
A local bookstore, the library, or the Internet may have information on other local offices of national organizations that may be able to assist in your ceremony plans.
Consider having programs to explain to your guests the components of your ceremony and to list your attendants.
Since there are no traditional legal vows for same-sex marriages, this is your chance to declare your love for each other in your own unique way, in front of those nearest and dearest to you.
Feel free to modify any vows you have heard elsewhere. Consult books, the Internet, poems, songs, and chapter 10 of this book.
Wear your rings on whichever hand you choose. Again, there are no rules as to what is right or wrong. Many same-sex couples wear their rings on the right hand, a symbolic alternative to the traditional practice. Others choose to wear them on the left hand.
In some lesbian weddings, both women wear wedding gowns, while other couples choose to have one partner wear a gown and the other wear a suit or tuxedo. Discuss with your partner what would be right for you two. The same goes for male unity ceremonies.
Your wedding can and should include all of the elements of a traditional wedding, such as a formal reception, dancing, a cake, registering for gifts, and, of course, a honeymoon.
Realize that a wedding later in life can be as elaborate or simple as you wish.
Your wedding may include grown children and even grandchildren. Just be sure that you embrace all who attend and still preserve what is important to you in defining this special love that you have been blessed with later in your life.
Don’t feel that because you are older it is not worth getting married to “legalize your union.” Couples marrying later in life often share a passion for finding a true companion with whom to share their golden years.
Grandchildren and even great-grandchildren could play a special role in your ceremony.
Eloping or destination weddings are ideal—make a vacation out of it.