3

Requesting Change

How can I get my spouse to change, without manipulation? When you started reading part two, “Home Improvements,” I assume this is what you really wanted to know. Perhaps you thought, I’d even be willing to manipulate if I thought I could really get my spouse to change. I understand the thought, but I really don’t think that’s what you want to do. Change that comes from manipulation is always accompanied by resentment. Resentment pushes people apart, and that is not what most couples want in their marriage.

Manipulation reduces a marriage relationship to the level of a contract negotiation: “If you’ll do this, then I’ll do that.” At its worst, manipulation is simply an attempt by one spouse to control the other: “You will do this, or else.” Perhaps the “or else” will induce enough fear in the spouse that he or she will acquiesce, but the change will be external and temporary. Real change comes from within, not from manipulating circumstances.

So how can you get real change? If you have read and applied what we’ve discussed in the first two chapters of “Home Improvements,” you are now ready to request change from your spouse. The method of requesting change that I am about to describe will be effective only when you have genuinely dealt with your own past failures and you are expressing love in your spouse’s primary love language. However, once you have established the proper foundation in your marriage relationship, real change is possible.

First, make a list of a few things you would sincerely like to see your spouse change. (Please see pages 352–357, where I have included separate lists of how husbands and wives have responded when asked the question, “What would you like to see your spouse change?”) It’s important to be specific; generalities won’t work. For example, “I want you to talk more” is too general and much too difficult to measure. If increasing your communication is the desired goal, say, “I want to request that we spend twenty minutes each evening—Monday through Friday—talking and listening to each other as we share our thoughts and feelings related to the events of the day.” This request is specific, understandable, achievable, and measurable.

“I wish you would stop nagging me” is also far too nebulous. Pick one area in which you feel your spouse is nagging you and make a specific request related to that area. For example, you might say, “As you know, I have accepted the responsibility to take out the garbage. I would like to request that, in the future, you will not remind me of that task. I may not take it out on your timetable, but I will get rid of the garbage. When you keep reminding me, I feel like you are my mother and I am a child. I don’t like that feeling, and I don’t think it is good for our marriage. Therefore, I am requesting that you refrain from mentioning the garbage.”

If you are the wife who hears this request, perhaps you would like to say to me, “Yes, but he won’t take the garbage out. If I don’t remind him, it will sit there for a week.” My response to that is, “If you want to be married to a child, then continue to nag him about the garbage; but if you want to be married to an adult, then treat him like an adult. He will never act like an adult as long as you remind him of his responsibilities. And please, don’t take the garbage out for him; that is an even greater insult. Spray the garbage with air freshener, but don’t touch it. You will be amazed at what will happen.”

All right, now that you have your specific requests in mind, are you ready to learn how to make requests of your spouse? Here are three suggestions for doing it right: Choose your setting, don’t give an overdose of criticism, and precede your request with compliments.

Choose Your Setting

When you get ready to request a change from your spouse, it is extremely important that you choose your time and place and be sensitive to your spouse’s emotional state. The time should be after a meal, never before a meal. When we are hungry, we are irritable—and when we are irritable, it is difficult to take suggestions. Have you noticed that when the family is on a trip together and everyone is hungry, everyone tends to be more argumentative? That the children are at each other’s throats, and you find yourself yelling a lot more? That’s because hunger and irritability are companions. When you are about to do something as important as requesting change from your spouse, be certain that it is not when he or she is hungry.

The place to make your request should always be in private, never in public. When you mention something you wish your spouse would change, and you do it in front of other people, it is a put-down, even if you couch it with humor. “My wife is not exactly a gourmet cook. Her specialty is hard-cooked, soft-boiled eggs.” Everyone in the group may laugh, but your wife gets the barb. I hope you don’t expect a soft-boiled egg anytime soon. It is more likely she’ll want to throw a raw egg in your face when you walk into the kitchen the next morning. Put-downs only stimulate resentment and revenge.

If you want your spouse to accept your request, make it in private. Here’s how one husband made a successful request after dinner one night: “Honey, I really appreciate the fact that you boil my eggs three mornings a week. I really like boiled eggs. My request is that on Wednesdays you try to make them soft boiled. I looked in a cookbook and it suggested that cooking the eggs for three minutes from the time the water starts boiling will produce a soft-boiled egg. If it would be helpful, I would be willing to buy a timer. It would mean a lot to me if one morning a week I could have my eggs soft boiled.” This husband got his soft-boiled eggs.

A third part of the setting is your spouse’s emotional state. Is he or she emotionally ready to receive a suggestion tonight? Some nights, we’re emotionally drained. If everything we’ve done all day long has gone wrong, and if everyone we’ve met has been harping on us about something, the last thing we want when we get home is for our husband or wife to ask us to change something about ourselves. Even the simplest request can cause us to explode. Why? Because the request is the straw that breaks the camel’s back.

How do you find out if your spouse is emotionally ready to receive a suggestion? The best way I know of is simply to ask. Say, “Honey, would this be a good night to make a request of you?” Even if your spouse says no, I can almost guarantee that he or she will be back in less than an hour, saying, “About that request. What did you have in mind?” He or she will be dying to know! But you say, “No, honey. It’s not necessary tonight. We can do it on another night when you are feeling ready. You just let me know when you are feeling like it.” Your spouse is likely to respond, “Well, I’m ready now.” If that happens, then go ahead, because you have helped your spouse to get ready emotionally to receive your request. Don’t ever hit your spouse broadside with a request for change. Always find out if he or she is emotionally ready to receive a suggestion.

Don’t Give an Overdose of Criticism

Couples who don’t have a system for requesting change will typically hold things inside that bug them, until the pressure gets so strong that they erupt in destructive criticism. A husband says, “I don’t know why you can’t record the checks that you write. Trying to balance the checkbook when half the records are missing is the most frustrating thing in the world.” After launching this opening salvo, he continues, “And another thing: Why can’t you leave my desk alone? I’m tired of trying to find things that you have moved. And while I’m at it, you left the garage door open again this morning. Can you imagine how much heat that wastes? And on the days when I’m out of town, does it ever cross your mind to bring in the mail? The box was stuffed last night when I opened it.” Such overdoses of criticism almost never result in positive change.

Hostility gives birth to hostility. An overdose of inflammatory, condemning words will likely bring some return fire from the other spouse. “You’re not exactly perfect yourself, you know. I can never depend on you for anything. You promised to bring me a sweatshirt the next time you went to Nashville, but you forgot it again. And I’m sick and tired of doing all the work around here. You don’t ever lift a hand to help me. It’s like you think I’m your slave. And I don’t know how you have the gall to talk to me about leaving the garage door open when you never close a drawer in the bedroom.”

Nothing constructive came of this conversation. The husband verbally shot his wife four times, she shot him back three times, and both spouses went away wounded and defensive. You can be certain that no positive changes will occur. Overdosing on criticism destroys the motivation for change.

I remember a husband who came to me a number of years ago and said, “I didn’t come in here to get counseling. I came to tell you that I’m leaving my wife. I wanted you to hear it from me. I know that when I’m gone, she’s going to call you, because she respects you. We’ve been married eight years, and I can’t remember a single day in eight years that she hasn’t criticized me. She criticizes the way I comb my hair, the way I walk, the way I talk, the way I dress, the way I drive. She doesn’t like anything about me. I have finally concluded that if I’m all that bad, she deserves something better.”

Later that day, when the wife called and came to my office, I shared with her what her husband had told me. She burst into tears and said, “I was just trying to help him.”

Trying to help him? She decimated him. None of us can emotionally handle overdoses of criticism. All of us want change from our spouses, but overdosing on criticism is not the way to get it.

I suggest that you never make more than one request for change per week. That’s fifty-two changes per year, and that ought to be enough. Some people are too emotionally fragile to handle even one request per week. For them, it may need to be one every two or three weeks. As you begin to develop the art of making requests, you may want to alternate weeks with your spouse. One week, you might make a request, and the next week it would be your spouse’s turn. In fact, on the off weeks, I suggest that you invite your spouse to share something that he or she would like to see you change. When you and your spouse are home in the evening, after you’ve had dinner, you can say, “This would be a good night for you to give me a request for change. Tell me one thing that would make me a better spouse.” Because you’re the one who is initiating the conversation, you’ve predetermined your emotional state, and all that remains is to choose the right time and place to ask your spouse for a suggestion on how you can improve.

Personally, I find I can respond to one request per week from my wife, if it is made after a meal, in private, and when I am feeling emotionally stable. I want to be a better spouse and I can work on one thing a week, but more than that becomes overwhelming. Give me an overdose and I’m not likely to work on changing anything.

Perhaps you grew up in a home where you received overdoses of criticism. Every day, your parents told you what was wrong with you and what you needed to change. They seldom gave you compliments, but they filled your ears with condemning statements. Now that you’re an adult and married, you may be giving your spouse overdoses of criticism without even realizing what you’re doing, because you’re just so used to it from your upbringing. You may want to ask your spouse, “Do you feel that I give you overdoses of criticism?” If he or she says yes, then I suggest that you apologize. Say that you’re sorry and that you didn’t realize what you were doing. After you’ve cleared the air, agree with your spouse that you will limit yourself to asking only once a week (or once every two weeks) for something you would like to see changed. And, of course, your spouse will have opportunities to make requests, as well.

Some couples have found the following technique helpful: If one partner starts to make a second request in the same week, the other person simply holds up two fingers and says, “Two, babe, two.” Both agree that, when reminded, they will hold their second request until the next week. If you have a lot of things that are bugging you, you may want to get a little “request for change” notebook where you can write them all down. Each week, you can pick out one request to share with your spouse. Learning to limit the number of your requests makes the possibility of change more likely. When we are overwhelmed with requests, we tend to become resentful or angry, and these emotions do not foster change. Breaking the cycle of overdosing on criticism could save your marriage.

Precede Your Request with Compliments

Mary Poppins had it right when she sang, “A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.”10 Compliments make the requests for change more palatable. I suggest a three-to-one ratio. Tell me three things you like about me, and then tell me one thing that you would like me to change.

Let’s say that this week my wife is going to request of me that, before I leave the bathroom, I get the hairs out of the sink. Hairs in the sink bug her, and this is her week to make a request. But before she makes her request, she says to me, “Wait a minute, honey. First of all, I want you to know how much I appreciate the fact that you hang up your clothes. I have talked to other wives who tell me that their husbands leave clothes all over the house. Their wives have to pick up after them like they were children. You have always hung up your clothes. I guess your mother trained you—I don’t know. But I like it.

“Second, I want you to know how much I appreciate the fact that last night you got the bugs off my windshield. I love it when you get the bugs off my windshield.

“And third, I want you to know how much I appreciate the fact that on Thursday nights you vacuum the floors. When you vacuum the floors, it is next door to heaven for me. One . . . two . . . three . . . are you ready, babe? Those hairs in the sink just bug me to death.”

Now, I can work on cleaning up the hairs in the sink, and I probably will. Why? Karolyn likes me! Look, I’m already better than some guys (who can’t pick up their clothes), and I want to be a better husband. I’ve seldom met a man who didn’t want to be a better husband. I did meet one a while back. He said, “My wife doesn’t deserve anything better.” Perhaps, but most men would like to be better.

I’m suggesting that if a husband will take one request from his wife each week and will work on it to the best of his ability, he’ll be amazed by how much better of a husband he’ll become in three months. The same is true with wives who are willing to take a request from their husbands each week and seek to improve. In fact, I’ll make a little prediction. If you will try this plan for requesting change, you’ll walk in the door one day, maybe four months from now, and when you say to your spouse, “I’m ready for my suggestion of the week,” your spouse will reply, “I think I’ll pass this week.”

Wow! Won’t that be progress! From that point on, your spouse may not have a request every week. In fact, several weeks may pass between requests. But you’ll always give your spouse a chance to make a request of you, to tell you something that would make you a better spouse.

Here’s an important point: When you make a request and your spouse goes to work on it, don’t forget to notice and praise the effort. Without compliments, your requests may sound like nagging. As one husband said, “I worked so hard at improving, and what did she do? Gave me another criticism! Once in a while, I’d like to know that I’m doing something right.” By recognizing your spouse’s efforts to improve and praising his or her positive qualities, you will motivate your spouse to make additional changes.

Think about It

When we get married, we discover all those things about the other person that we didn’t know before. Some of those things really irritate us. They are flies in the ointment of our marital unity.

Perhaps you found out that when your husband takes a shower he leaves the washcloth in the bottom of the shower stall, sopping wet. When you walk by, you ask yourself, Who does he think is going to pick that thing up? Or maybe you discovered that your wife’s clothes don’t know how to get on hangers and her shoes don’t know how to get to the closet.

You discover that he cannot brush his teeth without getting white spots on the mirror. When she replaces the bathroom tissue, she always puts it on backward. He always leaves the seat up. She squeezes the toothpaste in the middle, instead of on the bottom like she ought to. One husband told me, “I put a sign on our toothpaste: ‘Squeeze my tail.’ Didn’t work!” he said.

What are you going to do about these irritations and the hundreds more that crop up over the years? I’m suggesting that once a week you request a change. And if it’s something you’re doing or not doing, and you can make a change, why not? Guys, if she wants the towels folded under and over, how long does it take to fold a towel under and over? Two seconds. A small price to pay for a happy wife. So your mother didn’t fold towels under and over. You’re not married to your mother. I believe we should change everything we can change to please each other. As we change, we make life easier for each other and we walk together in marital harmony.

What about the Things Your Spouse Does Not Change?

It would be unfair of me to leave you with the impression that, if you follow the plan we have been discussing, nine months or a year from now your spouse will do everything you request. In reality, there are some things your spouse cannot or will not change.

I can best illustrate this from my own life: Karolyn and I had been married for some time when I realized that she knew how to open drawers but didn’t know how to close them. She also knew how to open cabinet doors but didn’t know how to close them. And all these open drawers and doors bugged me.

One day, before I learned the things I have shared with you, I said to her, “Karolyn, if you don’t mind, when you finish in the kitchen could you please close the cabinet doors? I hit my head on these things if I’m not careful. And in the bathroom, when you finish, if you don’t mind, would you please close the drawers? I catch my pants on these things when I walk through the room.” To me, these were simple requests. The next day when I came home, I walked into our little apartment and glanced into the kitchen—and cabinet doors were open. I went into the bathroom, and drawers were open.

“Okay, it’s a habit,” I reasoned. “It will take her a while to change a habit so I will give her a few days.”

I did. I gave her a week. But every day that week, I did my door check and my drawer check, and every day they were open.

At the end of the week, I thought to myself, Maybe she didn’t even hear what I said. Maybe she was having a bad day and really didn’t get the message. I was in graduate school in education, so I figured I’d just use a little education.

When I got home, I went into the bathroom, took everything out of the top drawer, and called Karolyn in for a demonstration. I opened the drawer and showed her how it worked. “This little wheel fits in this groove here. Marvelous things, these drawers. You could actually close this drawer with one finger.” I demonstrated. Then I took Karolyn to the kitchen and said, “Now, if you get this door close enough, this little magnet here will grab it and close it for you.”

I knew she got the message that day. When you use visual aids, you communicate, right? (I can hear all the wives booing me right now—and rightly so. But remember, I was young and foolish.)

The day after my little demonstration, when I came home from work, I walked into our apartment and glanced into the kitchen—and cabinet doors were open. I went into the bathroom, and drawers were open. Again I thought, Okay, it’s a habit. It will take her a while to change a habit. I’ll give her a few days. So I did; I gave her a month. But every day that month, I ran my door check and my drawer check, and every day they were open. At the end of a month, I gave Karolyn an angry lecture. I said, “I don’t understand you. You’re a college graduate. You are an intelligent woman. You are a deeply spiritual person, and yet you can’t close drawers. I don’t get it.”

The problem persisted for nine months. I followed two approaches. For about a month or so, I would go on a “slow burn,” which means I wouldn’t say anything to Karolyn, but inside I was asking myself, What is wrong with this woman? Then I would switch and I would give her angry lectures for about a month. But it really didn’t matter whether I gave her lectures or held it all inside; she did not close the drawers or the doors.

After nine months of this, I came home one night to find that our daughter, who was eighteen months old at the time, had stitches near the corner of one of her eyes.

“What happened?” I asked Karolyn. Amazingly, she told me the truth.

“She fell and cut herself on the corner of an open drawer.”

I could not believe my ears. I thought to myself, If I were you, I would not tell me that the baby fell onto an open drawer. Tell me anything else, but don’t tell me she fell on an open drawer. But Karolyn told me the truth.

I was so proud of myself for not overreacting. I will not pour salt in the wound, I said to myself. I will not say, “I told you so.” But in my heart I was thinking, I bet she’ll close the drawers now! And the other thought I had was, She wouldn’t listen to me. Now God is working on her. But you know what? She still didn’t close the drawers, even after that!

Two months later (this is now eleven months down the road), it finally dawned on me: This woman will never close drawers. I’m a slow learner, but I finally got the message. As my mind absorbed the full impact of this latest revelation, I went to the college library, sat down at my graduate study desk, and did what I had been trained to do. Have you heard this plan? When you don’t know what to do about a problem, get a sheet of paper and write down all the thoughts that come to your mind—good thoughts, wild thoughts, crazy thoughts, helpful thoughts. Write them all down. Then go back and pick out your best alternative. That’s what I did.

The first thing that came to my mind was this: I could leave her. I had thought about that before. On the heels of that idea came this thought: If I ever get married again, the first thing I’m going to ask is, “Do you close drawers?”

The second idea came in stages. I thought it through very carefully before I wrote it down: I could be miserable—every time I see an open drawer—from now until the day I die, or she dies. I thought it, so I wrote it.

The third possibility, and the last one I could think of, was this: I could accept this as something she will never change, and from now on I could close the drawers myself.

Since that time, some people who have heard the story have made other suggestions. One man told me that you can get springs that close the drawers automatically. (I didn’t know that.) Another man told me that he had taken the cabinet doors off altogether. (That thought never crossed my mind.)

When I was done, I looked at my list and marked off number 1 immediately. I was in seminary, studying to be a pastor. I thought, If I leave her, I’ll never get a pastorate. So I marked that one off quickly. I read number 2 and also marked it off. I thought, Why would a grown man choose to be miserable about something for the rest of his life? That didn’t make sense.

Well, that left me with number 3. I could accept the fact that my wife would never change, and from this point on I could close the drawers myself. Then I asked myself, “How long would it take me to close the cabinet doors in the kitchen?”

One . . . two . . . three . . . four seconds.

“How long would it take me to close the drawers in the bathroom?”

One . . . two . . . three seconds.

“Four plus three equals seven. Seven seconds. I believe I can work that into my schedule.”

When I got home, I said to Karolyn, “About those drawers . . .”

She quickly responded, “Gary, please don’t bring that up again!”

“No,” I said, “babe, no, no, I’ve got an answer. From now on, and for as long as I’m alive, you will never have to close the doors or the drawers again. From now on, I’ll close the doors, I’ll close the drawers, and you won’t ever have to worry about it.”

Do you know what she said?

“Fine.”

And she walked out of the room. It was no big deal to her, but it was a major turning point in my life. Ever since that day, open drawers have not bothered me. I have no emotion when I see an open drawer. In fact, if you were to walk with me into our bathroom most nights, you’d see that the drawers are open. But when I walk in, I close them—because that’s my job!

What am I saying? I’m saying there will be a few things that your spouse either cannot or will not change. I don’t know which it is, and it really doesn’t matter. I have an incredibly wonderful wife. She has made many changes for me. I have often thought that maybe it’s something genetic that prevents her from closing drawers. It’s possible! But whether it’s can’t or won’t, the point is that your spouse will never fulfill all your requests.

So, what are you going to do about the things your spouse won’t change? I believe that love accepts these imperfections.11 Wouldn’t I be foolish, after all these years, to still be mumbling and grumbling about open drawers? Instead, I choose to thank God for all the positive changes that Karolyn has made, and I choose to accept the things that she either cannot or will not change.

Some of you men have been running behind your wives for fifteen years mumbling about the lights. “I don’t understand why you can’t turn off the lights when you leave a room. The switch works both ways, you know. And it just takes one finger. If you would turn off the lights, I could buy you a new coat.” I don’t want to discourage you, guys, but if she hasn’t turned off the lights for fifteen years, she may never. Maybe you need to understand that she is the “light turner-onner” and you are the “light turner-offer.” Love accepts some imperfections. (And aren’t you glad?)

By now you realize that I’m not promising you that your spouse will change everything to your satisfaction. What I am saying is that if you will implement the three-step plan I’ve outlined, your spouse will make significant changes. I have never seen the plan fail. Here is a recap:

Step One: Confess your own failures and ask forgiveness. This sends a clear signal that you realize you have not been a perfect spouse in the past. It indicates that you are thinking seriously about your marriage and that you want the relationship to improve. Whether or not your spouse is able to forgive you immediately, he or she is now aware that something significant is happening in your mind. This awareness plants a seed of hope.

Step Two: Learn to speak your spouse’s primary love language. When confession is followed by new expressions of unconditional love in your spouse’s primary love language, you are watering that seed of hope. You are meeting your spouse’s emotional need for love in the most effective way. In due time, the sprout of new life will emerge. Those expressions of love will stimulate emotional warmth and change the climate in your marriage. You may begin to see a new sparkle in your spouse’s eyes and a more positive attitude toward you and your marriage. Eventually your spouse will begin to reciprocate by expressing love to you in your primary love language. That’s when you’ll discover that nothing holds more potential in human relationships than the power of unconditional love.

Step Three: Now you are ready to begin making specific requests. Because your spouse has already forgiven you for your past failures, and because your spouse already feels your love, he or she will be far more open to your requests. Most people are willing to make changes when they feel loved.

What has been interesting to me through the years is that couples who implement this plan often find their spouse making positive changes even before they are requested. Because of past complaints, they already know many of the changes that their husband or wife desire. Now that they are living in an atmosphere of forgiveness and are experiencing their spouse’s expressions of love, they are motivated to do things that they think their spouse will appreciate—without even being asked.

“I couldn’t believe it,” one husband said. “For years, I had asked my wife to walk the dog one night a week while I attended the Elk’s club. She never did it. I always hated coming home on Tuesday nights at nine thirty and having to walk the dog. I was about six weeks into the ‘love phase’ of this new strategy when I came home one Tuesday night and discovered that she had already walked the dog. I hadn’t even gotten around to requesting it. I was blown away. I told her how much I appreciated it. From that night on, she has always walked the dog on Tuesday nights. I know it’s a little thing, but it means a lot to me.”

Little changes or big changes, they are all easier when past failures have been confessed and love has become a way of life. Now that you have read part two, “Home Improvements,” and have a clear picture of how to get your spouse to change without manipulation, I want to challenge you to implement the program. Read chapter 1 of this part again, and begin the process of identifying and confessing your past failures. Don’t rush the process. Take time to get outside help, as described in the chapter. Make your confession thorough and genuine. Then reread chapter 2, discover your spouse’s primary love language, and begin speaking it regularly. Two weeks into the process, start to sprinkle in the other four love languages as well. Then play the Tank Check game with your spouse. When you are receiving consistent scores of 8, 9, or 10, you will know that you are ready to begin making your requests for change.

When you start to see positive changes in your spouse, I would love to hear your story. Visit www.garychapman.org and select the Contact link. I hope to hear from you soon.

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Putting the Principles into Practice

1. Think of times in the past when you or your spouse gave each other overdoses of criticism. How did you feel? How do you think your spouse felt?

2. Think of times in the past when your spouse verbalized something that he or she wanted changed, but did it in the presence of other people. How did it make you feel? Or, if you were the one who verbalized something about your spouse, how do you think it made him or her feel?

3. In the future, if your spouse agreed to make his or her request in private, after a meal, and after giving you three compliments, how often would you be willing to receive a request?

___ one request for change per week

___ one request for change every two weeks

___ other (please specify): _______________________________

4. If your spouse is willing, ask him or her to complete steps 1–3 above. Discuss your answers and begin following the plan for requesting change suggested in this chapter.

5. If your spouse is not interested in participating in steps 1–3 above, don’t be discouraged. Simply tell him or her that you would like to work on becoming a better mate and would like for him or her to give you one suggestion each week (or every other week) for something you could change that would make your spouse’s life easier. (When your spouse sees that you are taking the requests for change seriously, he or she is likely to begin reciprocating.)

6. Make a list of a few things you would sincerely like to see your spouse change. (At the end of the book, I have included sample lists of how husbands and wives have responded when asked the question, “What would you like to see your spouse change?”)

7. Now, go over your list and make sure your requests are specific, understandable, and achievable. The more specific, the better. (You may want to read pages 352–357 again.)

8. Remember:

• Never make more than one request per week (or according to your agreed-upon schedule).

• Never make a request when your spouse is hungry.

• Always make your request in private.

• Ask if your spouse is emotionally ready for you to make your request.

• Precede your request with at least three compliments.

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Closing Thoughts on Home Improvements

In my own life and in the lives of hundreds of couples I have counseled, the principles in part two, “Home Improvements,” have brought real change. It is my hope that you will now do the hard work of implementing this threefold approach. You have the plan. It has worked for other couples, and I’m encouraging you to try it in your own marriage. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. And if it works for you, I hope you will share it with your friends. In today’s cultural climate, successful marriages are more difficult than ever to effect. I believe the ideas shared in this part of the book have the potential for helping thousands of couples move down the road of marital intimacy with greater harmony. If that happens, I will be greatly pleased.

You will want to see the additional helps related to part two in the back of the book: “How to Get Your Spouse to Change without Manipulation—A Three-Step Plan”; “What I Wish My Wife Would Change”; and “What I Wish My Husband Would Change.”

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Some Ideas Worth Remembering

• The most common reason people do not get the changes they desire is that they start at the wrong place.

• Most of us have lived by the philosophy, “If my spouse would change, then I would change.” If most of us are honest, we will have to admit this approach has not worked.

• Confessing wrong liberates us from the bondage of past failures and opens up the possibility for changed behavior in the future.

• Confession of wrongdoing needs to be broader than simply confessing to God. You also need to confess to the person you have wronged. In marriage, that is your spouse.

• We cannot erase past failures, but we can agree that what we did or failed to do was wrong, and we can sincerely ask for forgiveness. In so doing, we are starting at the right place.

• One of the fundamental languages of love is to speak words that affirm the other person. Affirming words give life, while condemning words bring death.

• A gift is a physical, visible token of thoughtfulness. Any adult can learn to give gifts.

• For some people, “Actions speak louder than words.” Doing something that you know your spouse would like for you to do is an expression of love.

• Quality time is much more than being in the same room or the same house with your spouse. It involves giving your spouse your undivided attention.

• All requests for change should be specific, understandable, doable, and measurable.

• Tell me three things you like about me, and then tell me one thing you would like for me to change. Compliments make the request more palatable.

• I believe we should change, everything we can change to please each other. As we change, we make life easier for each other and we walk together in marital harmony.