5

Discovering the Key to Intimacy

At the heart of a healthy marriage is a deep sense of being connected, loved, appreciated, and respected—intimacy. We had it when we got married, or at least we thought we did. In the dating phase of our relationship, we spent hours talking. We respected each other’s ideas. There was a sense of openness between the two of us. We felt as if we “belonged” to each other, that we were “meant” for each other. We shared our deepest secrets and believed in our hearts that we would love each other no matter what happened.

Do you remember the promises you made in those days? “Nothing you could ever tell me will cause me to stop loving you.” “I’ll go anywhere with you.” “Whatever is best for you is what I want as long as I live.” It was the belief that you had an intimate relationship unlike anything you had ever experienced before that led you to the commitment of marriage.

Sadly enough, this taste of intimacy is far too brief for many couples. Sometimes it evaporates even before the children arrive. For other couples, it begins to erode upon the arrival of the first child. As one husband said, “I don’t know what happened. I thought we were doing pretty well until the baby came. After that, it has been all downhill. Before the baby, she was loving, exciting, and caring. After the baby, she became demanding and critical.” His wife’s response? “Before the baby, he was thoughtful. I was the focus of his life. After the baby, it was as though I didn’t matter anymore. I tried to lose weight quickly. I tried to get back in shape, but nothing seemed to help. Everything else was more important to him than I am.” Both of them felt disconnected, unloved, and unappreciated.

Many couples echo the sentiments of this couple. They are badgered by the secret fear, “We should not have married. We don’t really love each other.” They long for what they thought they had when they got married—a deeply intimate, supportive relationship.

What many couples do not understand is that love must be nurtured. Intimacy is not static. You don’t “get it” and have it forever. We move in and out of intimacy based on our behavior toward each other. Chances are you would not be reading this if you had the level of intimacy you desire in your marriage. You are probably among the thousands who wish their marriage could be better. I want to assure you that your dream can come true.

The arrival of children may well have diminished your marital intimacy, but the presence of children need not keep you from building an intimate marriage. We have talked about taking control of your schedule in order to make time for each other. We have also talked about taking control of your money so that you can afford the kinds of things that build intimacy. We have discussed ideas on child rearing that will lower the stress level. The only missing ingredient is discovering the key to intimacy. How do you build or rebuild intimacy in your relationship? What do you do with the time and money you have created? Time and money alone will not build intimacy; it’s how you use your time and money. In this chapter, I want to give you three essential ingredients in building an intimate marriage while at the same time being good parents.

Removing the Rubble

Perhaps you have seen houses that have been destroyed by fire, flood, or wind. Where a house once stood, there is rubble. The first step in rebuilding the house is to remove the rubble. The foundation will likely still exist, but you can’t build on the foundation until you remove the rubble.

If in your marriage the dry winds have blown and the floods have come and the level of intimacy in your marriage is less than in previous years, it is extremely likely that the foundation is still there. It’s time to remove the rubble.

So how do you remove the rubble? You begin by acknowledging that you are a part of the problem. Typically, we can see the failures of our spouse much more clearly than we can see our own failures. If you are going to remove the rubble, you must begin by identifying and acknowledging your part in the demolition of your intimacy. Three elements typically destroy intimacy: The first element is harsh, critical, condemning words. The second is hurtful actions. And the third is neglect. These three destroy our sense of being connected, loved, appreciated, and respected. Perhaps you would be willing to invest a few moments with God and ask him to show you the role your unkind words, hurtful actions, and neglect have played in destroying the intimacy of your marriage. If you are willing to ask God, God is willing to answer.

Another part of the rubble-removal process is confessing your failures to your spouse and asking for forgiveness. Would you be willing to say something like this to your spouse? “I know that my actions have hurt you deeply. My words have been unkind and unfair. I have neglected you. And in so doing, I have diminished what I want most in life—an intimate relationship with you. I cannot undo what I have done, but if you will forgive me, I would like to show you that I do indeed love you, respect you, and appreciate you. I know that we both have many stresses on us with the children, our jobs, and our other responsibilities. But I believe that together we can build a healthy marriage, and that is what I want.” When you do this, you have taken the first step in rebuilding intimacy in your marriage.

Let me warn you that your spouse may not reciprocate quickly. He or she may not be ready to forgive you and may not admit to failing in the relationship. Don’t expect too much. Rather, allow time for your spouse to see that you are sincere, that you are not simply trying to brush the past away, and that you are genuinely seeking to build a new relationship.57

Reaffirming Your Commitment

Perhaps you have forgotten the words, “I promise to love, honor, and keep you, in sickness and in health, in poverty and in wealth, so long as we both shall live.” Perhaps on the day you married, you were so enamored by the euphoric feelings of being “in love” that you failed to reflect deeply on these words. They are heavy words, but they are the words to which you need to return if you want to renew an intimate relationship. True love is not a feeling. It is an attitude—a choice made daily to look out for the well-being of your spouse, to find ways to enhance and enrich his or her life. It is the choice to invest time, energy, and money to accomplish that goal. Bottom line—love is the commitment to be there for each other no matter what.

The Bible challenges the husband to love his wife as Christ “loved the church and gave himself up for her.”58 Let me remind you that Christ loved the church before the church loved him. He loved the church even when the church was rejecting his love. And he loved the church all the way to death.

The wife is challenged to “respect her husband”59 and to allow him the privilege of loving her. Some women find this difficult because they have been reared in a culture that teaches them to be assertive and take care of themselves. However, it is the willingness to admit that spouses need each other that leads to marital intimacy. We were not made to live in isolation. We were meant to live deeply connected to each other, each of us looking out for the interests of the other and working together as a team to become the people God intended us to be. That is what marriage is all about. And the best parents are those who have this kind of marriage.

If you are willing to reaffirm your commitment, perhaps you could contact the person who performed your wedding ceremony and ask if he has a copy of the vows you made to each other. If this is not possible, I have included the vows from a typical wedding ceremony. Perhaps they are close enough to the ones you made that you would be willing to verbally affirm them to your spouse. Again, let me warn you that your spouse may or may not be willing to reciprocate. The pain may be too deep, and hope may have evaporated. Emotionally, perhaps your spouse is not presently able to affirm vows to you. Don’t expect it, and don’t demand it. Give your spouse time, while you continue to demonstrate that you are serious about the changes that are taking place in your own life.

Making Your Spouse Feel Loved

Finding out what makes your spouse feel loved and appreciated—and then doing it consistently—may take a while. But you can do it. Let me give you some possible approaches.

Now that you have acknowledged to your spouse your failures of the past and you have verbally reaffirmed your commitment, you are ready to say, “As you know, I am trying to become the husband/wife that you deserve. So, what could I do to help you this evening?” Whatever your spouse suggests, you not only do it to the best of your ability but you write it down in a notebook. For example:

• She likes it when I fold the towels.

• He likes it when I give him a back rub.

You ask your question every night: “What could I do to help you this evening?” And every evening, you do it and write it down, if it is not already on your list. On the simplest and easiest level, you are learning how to love and express appreciation to your spouse.

As time goes on, you ask similar questions in different social settings. For example, as you drive to church you might say, “We’ve been going to church a long time, but I would like to ask you, ‘What could I do differently at church that would make things more meaningful for you?’” Do it, and write it in your notebook:

• She likes it when I let her talk with friends after church instead of pulling on her arm, telling her it is time to go home.

• He likes it when I sit beside him in church rather than singing in the choir.

The willingness to give, the willingness to sacrifice—this is true love, and it builds marital intimacy.

As the atmosphere between the two of you begins to improve, you might ask this question: “What could I do that would make me a better husband [or wife] to you?” With this question, you are broadening the scope for suggestions. You may address any area of life. Whatever your spouse shares you can take seriously and know that he or she is giving you valuable information on how to express love and appreciation. Do it and record it. And you will be on the road to greater intimacy.

However, not all spouses will respond positively to this approach. You may say, “What could I do to help you this evening?” and your spouse may respond, “If I have to tell you, then it doesn’t mean anything to me.” Or perhaps the response is “I don’t want you to help me. Just stay out of my way.” Either of these or similar responses indicate that your spouse has been deeply hurt and is emotionally fatigued from the lack of intimacy in the relationship. Your spouse is not highly motivated to give you an opportunity to try because there is little hope that you will be consistent.

The fact that your spouse has lost hope does not mean that you must also abandon hope. There is another approach to discovering what makes your spouse feel loved and appreciated. It’s called evaluating the criticisms.

Look back over the years and ask yourself, “What has my spouse complained about through the years? What has my spouse nagged me about?” Perhaps at the time, you resented the criticisms and rebelled at the nagging. In fact, you were getting valuable information. Your spouse was telling you what made him or her feel loved and appreciated. This approach opens up a whole new vista of understanding your spouse.

I remember the husband who said to me after he tried this approach, “It all became so clear. In the earlier years, she nagged me about taking the trash outside every night after dinner. I wanted to wait until the trash bag was full. Finally, she started taking it out herself. Now I realize that I had blown an opportunity to express love to her. So without saying a word, I started taking the trash out every night after dinner.

“I remembered also that she used to complain that I didn’t vacuum her car every time I vacuumed my truck. Personally, I didn’t think her car needed it as often as my truck. Now I realize that to her that would have been an expression of love. So without saying a word, I started washing and vacuuming her car every time I washed and vacuumed my truck. I remembered a few more criticisms, and I started doing the things she had requested. After about three months, she said to me, ‘What’s going on with you?’ I simply said, ‘Remember when I told you that I was sorry for my past failures? And I told you I was committed to becoming the husband you deserve? Well, I’ve just been working at it. I know you deserve a whole lot more than I’ve given you through the years, and I intend to give it to you from this point on.’ She walked away without giving me any verbal response, but within a month, one day she smiled and said to me, ‘I can’t believe the things you have been doing for me. I’m beginning to enjoy living with you again. You are becoming the man I married. I just hope I don’t wake up and find out I was dreaming.’

“From that day, the atmosphere in our marriage has been radically different. From that point on, she would answer my question when I asked, ‘What can I do to help you this evening?’ She made suggestions and I did them. Before long, she started asking me what she could do to make my life better. That was the day I started having romantic feelings for her again. Once the atmosphere got better, we started talking again, looking back over the past and discussing where we both went wrong. We’ve learned a lot about each other. I never knew that my taking the trash out consistently made her more interested in having sex. I wish someone had told me that twenty years ago. Even the kids have noticed the difference in our marriage. Our twelve-year-old son recently said to us, ‘I don’t know what’s going on with you two. But I want you to know I like it. I was tired of the yelling and screaming. I’m glad to see that you two are finally getting it together.’ He went on to tell us how hard it was to live in the house with us when we were not getting along. Neither of us realized that our behavior had so deeply impacted him. We took the occasion to apologize to him and asked his forgiveness for our failures. I’m just glad that we are finally learning how to love each other.”

In the early years of marriage, most couples are expressing love to each other. The problem is that often they are not expressing love in a way the other person understands. Typically we are doing for each other what our parents did for each other, or we are doing for them what we wish they would do for us. One young man told me that for the first six months of his marriage, every month he would bring his wife a dozen roses on the date of their anniversary. He did this because that’s what his father did for his mother. It took her six months to get up the courage to tell him that she didn’t particularly care for roses, and in fact, she was somewhat allergic to them. He was disillusioned to find out that what was meaningful to his mother was not so meaningful to his wife. One young wife served her husband breakfast in bed every Saturday morning for the first month of their marriage because that’s what her mother did. She later discovered that he much preferred eating at the table.

Sincerity is not enough. We must ask questions if we are to discover what is meaningful to the other person. What makes one person feel loved does not necessarily make another person feel loved. That is why a husband and wife can be genuinely expressing love to each other, and yet neither feels loved or appreciated. When you express love in a way that is meaningful to your spouse, you are building intimacy.

As the emotional climate between the two of you is built up, you may periodically want to ask your spouse, “What could we do to improve our marriage?” If you discover that a weekend getaway is meaningful to your spouse, then put it on your schedule and find the money to do it. If you discover that a weekly date night makes him or her feel connected to you, then by all means hire a babysitter or trade off with another couple who have children approximately the age of your children, and make it happen. If you discover that a “sit down and talk” time each evening is what makes your spouse feel loved and appreciated, then put it into your daily schedule and make it as important as reporting to work in the morning.

It’s the simple things, sometimes little things, that make or break a marriage. The wise couple will discover what makes the other feel connected, loved, appreciated, and respected. And they will do it. Intimacy flourishes, and the children have the benefit of growing up in a home where Mom and Dad love and support each other. What greater gift could you give any child?

* * *

Putting the Principles into Practice

1. Removing the Rubble: If you have not already done so, why not take a few minutes to think about how you contributed to the lack of intimacy in your marriage? Ask God to remind you of harsh, critical, condemning words; hurtful actions; and times of neglect. Once you have confessed these to God, why not acknowledge them to your spouse and ask forgiveness?

2. Reaffirming Your Commitment: Would you be willing to contact the person who performed your wedding ceremony and ask if he could send you a copy of the vows you made when you were married? If this is not possible, utilize the vows on page 358. Affirm your vows to God and then to your spouse.

3. Making Your Spouse Feel Loved: Using one of the two methods in this chapter, discover the things that make your spouse feel loved and appreciated. The first approach is to ask questions: “What could I do to help you this evening?” “How could I be a better husband/wife to you?” “What could I do at church or at the mall to make the experience more meaningful for you?” The second approach is to examine the criticisms of the past to discover what is meaningful to your spouse. What your spouse has complained about reveals his or her inner desires. In a notebook, list the things that you know are meaningful to your spouse and seek to express love in these ways on a regular basis.

* * *

Closing Thoughts on Now What?

What I have shared with you in this part of the book has helped hundreds of couples discover how to have a successful marriage and at the same time be successful parents. God never intended children to destroy marriages. On the other hand, neither do children create strong marriages. Strong marriages are created by husbands and wives who put their hands in the hand of the God who created marriage and ordained that children would flourish best in a home with a mom and dad who love, support, and encourage each other.

Many couples complain that they don’t have the time or money to enrich their marriages. I believe that such complaints are ill-spoken. You have the time and you have the money to do everything you ought to do for each other and for your children. You may not yet have taken control of your schedules or taken control of your money, but you have the ability to do so. In this book, I have tried to give practical suggestions that will help you do both. If you apply these ideas, you will be able to create the time and the financial means to enrich your marriage—to keep intimacy alive while raising your children. To do so is one of the greatest things you can do for each other and for your children. I challenge you to implement the plan laid out in this book. I assure you that it works.

If you find this book helpful, I hope you will share it with a friend. If you have stories to share with me, I invite you to select the Contact link at www.garychapman.org.

* * *

Some Ideas Worth Remembering

• If an intimate marriage and parenting are both a part of God’s design, then surely there is a way to do both successfully.

• What does it mean to make marriage a priority? It means, first, that we pause long enough to assess the quality of our marriage. Then we must make a conscious choice that for the benefit of our children, for ourselves, and (if we are Christians) for the glory of God, we will commit ourselves to each other and acknowledge that our marriage is important to us. Finally, we must agree that with God’s help we will find a way to strengthen our intimacy.

• I believe that the answer to finding time to build a strong marriage, while at the same time being good parents, lies in taking control of our schedules.

• Getting control of your schedule means getting the right person doing the right task and deciding when it will be done, eliminating any unnecessary tasks that you are presently doing, getting your children on a schedule that interfaces positively with your schedule, and making time for yourself.

• There is a simple principle that, when applied, will keep a marriage alive regardless of a couple’s income. The principle is this: Put your money where your priorities are.

• The best things in life are free—or at least inexpensive. Taking time to enjoy a sunset, picking a wildflower and giving it to your spouse, enjoying the colors of fall leaves, going to church, taking a walk together, or sitting together on the porch while the crickets serenade you costs nothing! Sharing ice-cream cones, eating your favorite pizza, and taking a swim or attending a movie together are all relatively inexpensive.

• The word discipline is not a negative word, nor is it to be equated with spanking or yelling at children. The word discipline means literally “to train.” Most parents recognize that children need training. Without positive discipline, children will self-destruct; they cannot train themselves.

• In adulthood, success or failure in life is largely dependent upon the ability to make wise decisions. How do children learn to make decisions? The process begins by giving them the freedom to make decisions within boundaries.

• When a husband and wife feel that they are working together in training their children, it creates a more positive climate between them. You are working together to rear these children, and you are consistent in applying the rules. You feel good about yourselves, and you feel good about your children. This atmosphere greatly enhances the marital relationship.

• The Bible challenges the husband to love his wife as Christ “loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25). Christ loved the church before the church loved him. He loved the church even when the church was rejecting his love. And he loved the church all the way to death.

• The wife is challenged to “respect her husband” (Ephesians 5:33) and to allow him the privilege of loving her. Some women find this difficult when they have been reared in a culture that teaches them to be assertive and take care of themselves. However, it is the willingness to admit that spouses need each other that leads to marital intimacy.

• Finding out what makes your spouse feel loved and appreciated—and then doing it consistently—may take a while. But you can do it.

• Look back over the years and ask yourself, “What has my spouse complained about through the years? What has my spouse nagged me about?” Perhaps at the time you resented the criticisms and rebelled at the nagging. In fact, you were getting valuable information. Your spouse was telling you what made him or her feel loved and appreciated.

• What makes one person feel loved does not necessarily make another person feel loved. That is why a husband and wife can be genuinely expressing love to each other, and yet neither feels loved or appreciated. When you express love in a way that is meaningful to your spouse, you are building intimacy.