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Making Love Requires Patience

Sex can be quick, but love requires time. I am not denying that a “quickie” can sometimes be an expression of love. What I am saying is that finding mutual sexual satisfaction in marriage takes time. I have always found it interesting that God instructed the young men and women of Israel to take a year for their honeymoon: “A newly married man must not be drafted into the army or be given any other official responsibilities. He must be free to spend one year at home, bringing happiness to the wife he has married.”66

The reality is that not many couples find mutual sexual fulfillment in less than a year. Just as they must grow together intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually, they must also grow together sexually. It is a process that takes time. Making love is more than inserting the penis into the vagina and having an orgasm. Making love has as its object mutual pleasure in the process.

Why does it take so much time to grow together sexually? Because males and females are different in just about every way you could imagine—physically, emotionally, and psychologically. There are key differences between men and women in the nature of the sex drive, in the ignition points that make them ready for sex, and even in their responses during intercourse. A husband and wife must discover and accept these differences before they can begin to find mutual satisfaction.

Nature of the Sex Drive

While both men and women have a biological drive to have sex, the female’s drive or desire is far more tied to her emotions than is the man’s. If a woman feels loved by her husband, she desires to be sexually intimate with him. However, if she does not feel loved, she may have little desire to have sex with him. (An exception might be the case in which sex is the only way she gets tender touch and kind words that speak to her emotionally.) This difference explains a lot of things for us. For example, it explains how a husband and wife can have an intense argument and say hateful things to each other, but thirty minutes later the husband wants to have intercourse. The wife will find that virtually impossible unless he apologizes in a way that she considers sincere. Then, perhaps, her sexual desire can be kindled.

A husband can desire to have sexual intercourse even when things are not right in the relationship. In fact, he often thinks that having sex will solve the problems. For the male, when the seminal vesicles are full and the testosterone level is normal, there will be a desire for sexual release. This desire is not deeply rooted in his emotions but rather in his biological urges. On the other hand, a wife wants things to be made right before having sexual intercourse. Sex itself does not solve problems for her.

Understanding this difference in the nature of sexual desire will help a husband give far more attention to his wife’s emotional needs, which we will discuss further in chapters 4 and 5. It will also help a wife understand why her husband’s desire for sexual intimacy can be just as strong after a fight as it was before the fight.

This difference also explains why couples often disagree on the frequency of sexual intercourse. A husband’s desire is guided largely by the buildup of seminal fluid, which creates a physiological need for release. This is methodical and regular and has little to do with how things are going in a couple’s relationship. While the wife’s biological clock is influenced to some degree by her monthly menstrual cycle, her physiological urges are often overridden by her emotions and the quality of the relationship. Couples must learn to work with this difference in the nature of sexual desire if they are to find mutual fulfillment.

Ignition Points

Another difference is in the area of ignition points, or what each finds sexually stimulating. The male is strongly stimulated by sight; the female, by touch and kind words. This explains why a husband can merely watch his wife getting ready for bed, and by the time she gets undressed, he is ready to have intercourse. On the other hand, she can watch him undress without the thought of sex ever crossing her mind. However, if the husband speaks kind words and uses tender touch, assuming that their marital relationship is fairly positive, her sexual urges will be ignited. Understanding this difference and cooperating with it will help a couple get on the same page. If they ignore this difference, a husband and wife may never find mutual fulfillment.

Incidentally, this difference also explains why men are far more tempted by pornography than women are, and why women are more likely to become emotionally involved with a coworker who speaks kind words and uses tender touch. While it’s helpful to recognize these gender-specific areas of temptation, please understand that I am not offering excuses for giving in to them. Let me be perfectly clear: To yield to either of these temptations is seriously detrimental to a marriage, as well as to spiritual health. There is no place for pornography in the life of a Christian husband, and it is equally unacceptable for a Christian wife to allow herself to become emotionally attached to another man. While working on our own sexual fulfillment, we must guard our hearts from falling into these destructive patterns.

Responses

Another difference between men and women is in the context of sexual intercourse itself. The male’s response tends to be fast and explosive, while the female’s response tends to be slow and lasting. The male tends to reach climax quickly, and after climax, he’s finished; it’s all over for him—but the wife may be lying there thinking, What’s supposed to be so great about this? She was only getting started. In order to find mutual sexual pleasure, both spouses need to understand this difference and learn to cooperate with each other. Research indicates that the average male will ejaculate after two minutes of vigorous thrusting.67 The problem is that few women can reach orgasm in that short amount of time. Besides that, most women reach orgasm not through thrusting but through stimulation of the clitoris. This has led many couples to conclude that it is best for the wife to have orgasm as a part of the foreplay. Once she has experienced orgasm, then the husband is free to experience his own climax.

Many wives do not desire to have an orgasm every time they have intercourse. Sometimes, a wife is happy simply to experience tender touch, hear kind words, and sense her husband’s love and closeness. He experiences climax and feels loved by her. They both find the experience to be satisfying even though she does not experience orgasm. A husband might object, saying, “I don’t want to enjoy the sexual experience if she’s not going to enjoy it.” What he needs to realize is that she does enjoy making love, even if it doesn’t always end in orgasm. It often requires far more energy, effort, and time for a woman to experience orgasm than it does for a man. Sometimes, because of fatigue or other distractions, a wife simply does not desire to go through the entire process. Her husband should not expect it of her. The goal is to pleasure each other. The wife should have the freedom to decide whether she desires to experience orgasm as a part of the whole sexual experience.

I have often been asked why God created men and women with all these sexual differences. I have said facetiously that if God had asked me, I would have suggested, “Don’t even turn us on until we finish all our education. Then once you turn us on, let everyone get married three months later. After marriage, push both spouses’ buttons every three days.” Wouldn’t that be a lot easier? I have concluded that God’s intention, when he made us different, was for sex to be more than a reproductive act—that it would in fact be a chance to tangibly show our love. When sex is an act of love, the husband and wife approach each other and ask, “How may I pleasure you?” If we don’t make it an act of love, we will never find mutual fulfillment.

If a husband and wife simply do “what comes naturally,” they will never learn to make love. The best that may happen is that one of them will find partial fulfillment and the other will feel used. That is where thousands of couples are in their sexual relationship. They have sex from time to time, but they have never learned to make love. When we understand our differences, accept our differences, and learn how to work together, we can make beautiful music.

All of this takes time, patience, and understanding. If the two of you have never read and discussed a book on sexual technique, I would suggest Dr. Kevin Leman’s book Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage.68 With a little information and a lot of patience, the two of you can learn to make love.

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Putting the Principles into Practice

1. While both males and females have biological sexual drives, the female’s sexual desire is greatly influenced by her emotions. Thus, if a wife does not feel loved, she may be reluctant to engage sexually with her husband. How do you experience this reality in your marriage?

Husbands: Would you be willing to ask your wife to share with you the kinds of things you can do or say to best communicate your love to her?

Wives: Would you be willing to share with your husband what actions on his part tend to make you feel loved?

2. The male is strongly stimulated by sight; the female, by touch and kind words. How has this difference influenced your marriage?

Husbands: Would you be willing to ask your wife to share with you the kinds of touches and caring words that enhance her sexual desire?

Wives: Would you be willing to ask your husband to share with you the kinds of things you could do visually to stimulate him sexually?

3. The timing of orgasm is frustrating for many couples. The most common problem is the husband’s ejaculating while the wife is still warming up to the sexual experience. He is finished and she is frustrated.

Husbands: Would you be willing to discuss with your wife a solution that has worked for many couples: the husband bringing the wife to orgasm by stimulation of the clitoris as a part of the foreplay? Then once she has experienced orgasm, he is free to experience climax.

Wives: Would you be willing to discuss with your husband your preferences related to orgasm?