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Love Forgives Past Failures
When your spouse made the decision to marry you, it was likely with the assumption that after the wedding you would behave the same way you did before the wedding. Unfortunately, that is probably not what happened. Once the euphoria of being “in love” evaporated, you went back to being “normal.”
When normal behavior—that is, being selfish, demanding, and critical—leads couples into anger and resentment, many conclude that they made a mistake when they got married and that they are incompatible and will never be happy together. They may give up, choose to divorce, and set about trying to find someone better. Unfortunately, some couples repeat this cycle two, three, and four times and are no happier in the fourth marriage than they were in the first.
There is a better way. The secret to a loving marriage is found not in running away but in learning to deal with our propensity for self-centeredness. Let me share with you the process of forgiving each other, accepting God’s forgiveness, and creating a different future for your marriage.
The First Step
The first step is to acknowledge to yourself and to God that in your efforts to meet your own needs, you have sometimes spoken and acted negatively toward your spouse. Your harsh words and hurtful behavior have created a wall between the two of you. As long as the wall exists, you will never reach your potential for making love. The walls must come down if you are to have the intimate, fulfilling relationship you desired when you got married.
In my thirty years as a marriage counselor, I have helped hundreds of couples tear down walls. It all begins with a simple spiritual exercise: Get alone with God. Admit to God that you have not been a perfect spouse. Then ask him to show you specifically where you have failed your spouse. As he brings your failures to mind, write them down. Once you have completed the list, confess these things to God, one by one. Thank him that Christ has paid the penalty for your sins and ask him to forgive you.
The second step may be more difficult. You must now confess these failures to your spouse and ask forgiveness. You might say something like this: “I’ve been thinking a lot about us lately. I realize that I am far from being a perfect spouse. In fact, the other night I asked God to show me where I have been failing you, and he gave me a rather long list. I have asked God to forgive me for these things, and if you’ve got a few minutes, I would like to share them with you and ask if you would be willing to forgive me, too.”
If your spouse is willing to listen, then read the list and say, “I know these things are wrong. I feel bad that I have hurt you so deeply. I don’t want to continue this kind of behavior. I want to be the spouse that you deserve. I’d like the chance to make it up to you, and I’m asking you if you can find it in your heart to forgive me.”
Your spouse may not immediately respond with forgiveness, but at least you have opened the door for that possibility. We cannot erase our past failures, but we can confess them and request forgiveness.
After you’ve confessed your failures, your spouse may or may not offer a similar confession. But either way, the wall between you is not as thick because you have dealt with your side of it. When both of you confess past failures and choose to forgive each other, you will have the potential for making love, not just having sex.
God’s Forgiveness
The Scriptures indicate that when we confess our sins to God, he is always willing to forgive us. “If we confess our sins, [God] is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”77 The moment we confess our sins to God, we experience the warm embrace of our heavenly Father. The barrier is removed, and we can now continue our fellowship with him.
As followers of Christ, we are instructed to forgive each other in the same way that God forgives us.78 Forgiveness is not a feeling; forgiveness is a choice. We hear the confession of our spouse’s failures and the request for forgiveness. Because we have been forgiven by God, we choose to forgive each other’s failures.
Forgiveness does not immediately remove the pain that we have experienced, nor does forgiveness necessarily remove all the consequences of what has happened. But forgiveness does remove the barrier between us and allows us to continue our relationship.
Creating a Different Future
Now that we have dealt with past failures, we are ready to create a different future for the two of us. If we simply go back to “doing what comes naturally,” we will eventually create new walls between us. Instead of living a natural life, Christians are called to live a supernatural life. We have within us the power of the Holy Spirit to change our self-centered attitudes into attitudes of unselfish love. Instead of looking out for only our own interests, we learn to look out for the interests of our spouse.
God loves your spouse unconditionally, just as he loves you. He wants you to be his channel of expressing his love to your spouse. This is true even when your spouse is not loving you.
In describing God’s love, the apostle Paul says, “God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”79 He is our model. He did not love us because we loved him; he loved us when we were walking away from him. That is the kind of love we are to demonstrate to our spouse. Does that sound impossible? It is, without the help of God. But again, Paul instructs us, “God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit.”80 We are simply passing to our spouse the love that God has poured out in our hearts.
Therefore, the daily prayer of the Christian husband or wife should be, “Lord, fill my heart with your love so I can express it to my spouse. Bring to my mind ways in which I can express your love today.” That is a prayer that God will answer. You will become a channel of love to your spouse, and in due time, your spouse will likely reciprocate.
This does not mean that you will never again lose your temper or say a harsh word or treat your spouse unkindly. It does mean that whenever this happens, you will try to be quick to apologize, seek to make restitution, and ask for forgiveness. You will refuse to let the wall be erected again.
Christians are not perfect, but Christians are willing to deal with their failures and willing to forgive when there is confession and repentance. Because we have been forgiven by God, we choose to forgive each other. Practicing genuine confession and genuine forgiveness is the road to making love, not just having sex.
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Putting the Principles into Practice
1. Do you sense that there is a wall between you and your spouse that hinders you from having the sexual intimacy you desire?
2. If so, would you be willing to ask God to show you your own failures in the marriage? As they come to your mind, write them down. Then confess your failures to God and accept his forgiveness.
3. Would you be willing to confess these failures to your spouse and ask his or her forgiveness? (You may want to read again the confession statement found on page 260.) Your spouse may or may not immediately forgive you. But your confession paves the way for the potential of forgiveness and reconciliation.