Small changing leads to larger changing. Small changing leads to larger changing.
So far, we have been concentrating on conversational pathways for constructing solutions and outlining the criteria for a well-defined goal. We have also discussed how the questions we use are highly influential because the questions include the assumptions we work under and tend to be suggestive to clients of new avenues of thought and action. While we believe that creating solutions through the conversation the client has with the therapist may be enough, we also believe there is a tremendous advantage for the client to receive positive feedback.
Very simply, we believe that a little positive support and encouragement can go a long way. Clients, in the midst of change, can often experience confusion or fears—and a little encouragement by someone outside of the problem can be reassuring.
This chapter focuses on more direct forms of feedback that we offer—that is, cheerleading, compliments, messages, and tasks.
In general, we use cheerleading as support and encouragement for positive things clients are doing and, most especially, for their changing and solving. Cheerleading may be emotional support that comes across through raised voice tone, gestures, excited expressions, or the choice of words. In the session, we want to respond immediately to any mention of change, however small. Trainees are often surprised by how much we use emotions. Trainees may mistakenly expect us either to be more cognitive or to show more restraint with the clients. However, our interviews are hardly flat inquisitions. Conversations with clients are very much affectively supportive and encouraging for further changing.
Recently, we worked with a family with a seven-year-old who was having trouble keeping his bed dry all night. The boy seemed rather embarrassed at the beginning of the session as he heard his parents talking about his failures.
We asked about the times when the boy makes it through the entire night without wetting. The parents said there were several nights during a week’s time without wetting.
We asked him:
Therapist: Is this true, there are some nights when you keep your bed dry the whole night? (Said with a slightly rising tone of curiosity)
Boy: Yes. (With some embarrassment and shyness)
Therapist: Well that sounds pretty good. How do you do that? (Cheer-leading as well as seeking specification and contextual differences)
Boy: Sometimes I wake up and go to the bathroom.
Therapist: You do! (Said with excitement and surprise) That sounds like a pretty grown-up sort of thing. How do you do that?
Boy: Welllll, I don’t know. I guess I just don’t want to have to sleep in the wet.
Therapist: Really! You say that to yourself at night? (With continued enthusiasm) How do you get yourself to remind yourself of that and then get up? Aren’t you really sleepy?
Boy: (With more excitement) Yeah, but I can do it.
Therapist: Well, I guess you can but that seems like a very grown-up kind of thing to do. (Keying on his desire to be seen as more grown up) What do your parents think of you doing such a grown-up thing?
As you can see, we are very affectively involved in news about positives and change, and try to use curiosity and excitement to the client’s advantage in the session.
Cheerleading also includes several presuppositions that we embed. We believe that individuals are in control of their actions—that is, individuals are the ones who produce their changing, even when they think initially their changing is either spontaneous or out of their own control. We, therefore, embed responsibility and “in control” assumptions in cheerleading with the use of questions and statements, such as …
This may be asked about an exception. “How did you decide to do that?” is usually asked with a rising tone and excited curiosity. Clients may not initially think that they consciously decided to do the exception or change, but we invite them to think in terms of conscious control and personal responsibility.
For example, in the above interview with the boy, he may initially not have thought that what he was doing was different or good or mattered. With the question of “How did you do that?” however, he tends to search for or create what he did that brings about the better times.
Clients may also think that their doing something may have happened because of a confident mood or because someone else did something first. We nevertheless want to cheerlead the client’s action and embed the idea that what she or he is doing is “responsible.”
For example: “So, you think that your looking through the job ads was just because you woke up feeling more anxious. But how did you decide to do that? Other people would respond to anxiety by going back to bed. “
With someone else who thinks she or he was only responding to some other person, we might ask: “So, I know you are thinking that you responded only because she was friendlier, but how did you decide to respond at all? You have been burned in other relationships. How did you have the courage to take a chance again? How did you decide to do that?”
This question may be used with people who are not aware of the positive things they have been doing. The point of the question is not so much to get an actual explanation as to highlight for clients their doing something positive. The question can be more rhetorical than literal.
“How do you explain that?” is usually asked with a rising inflection that hints at encouragement as well as curiosity.
Any complimentary phrase may be used in the conversation to support new or positive behavior. Positive cheerleading is used to facilitate the resourcefulness of the conversation and the further searching for additional examples of exceptions or positives. Clients often are tentative about change, especially if they think this is something entirely new for them. This kind of support is warming and expansive because it allays fears and facilitates a positive track.
Cheerleading has to be paced and timed properly. Sometimes, when therapists are new to the solution focus, they try to point up all the positive behaviors of the client before the client is emotionally ready to accept the compliments. The therapists may be “too much in front of their client.” You will recognize these situations when the client begins to disqualify your compliments, or argue with you that things are not really that good.
These situations remind us of a story told by a friend and colleague, Kevin O’Connor. Kevin told us about a nurse who worked in a physical rehabilitation center. Each day, she would take for a walk patients who were still weak and unsure of the strength of their legs and their ability to walk. The nurse would take them by the arm and begin walking with them down the hospital hallway. She learned that as long as she walked just a little bit behind while supporting the patient’s arm, the walk seemed to go well. If she was just a little ahead of her patient in the pace of her walking, however, the patient would express uncertainty about walking or say that maybe they were walking too fast. The nurse quickly learned that the walks went better when she was perceived by the patient as just slightly in back, rather than out in front and pulling.
So, too, in therapy cases, the therapist can be perceived as if trying to convince clients of all the positive things they are doing, before they are at the point of being able to recognize or accept them. They are not being “resistant.” More than likely clients sincerely believe that what you think are positive actions or changes are not that significant and that you have a misperception. Therefore, the more you try to point out the positives, the more they try to help you see that the changes are really not that significant.
The conversation can become an argument between the therapist as the more positive person and the client as more negative or realistic, depending upon your reference point. The meaning of the message, however, is the response you receive. Therefore, if the conversation continues in this fashion, with the therapist citing positives and the client saying “Yes, but,” you need to do something different.
In these situations, the therapist has chosen language or frames that do not match the client’s view or that may present too big of a leap for the client to accept yet, or at this time.
For example, a therapist might say:
Therapist: Well, Beth, it sounds like you are doing a number of good things for yourself. You reached out to some friends and got out of the house during the weekend. You are letting go of that bad relationship and are thinking of yourself.
Beth: Not really. I think of him all the time and I am not happy. When I went out with my friends, I was feeling really down and hardly talked.
Therapist: Yes, but you did some things rather than sitting around and it sounds like you even talked to another man.
Beth: Yes, but he was boring and I was still thinking of Michael.
When your client or you start to use “Yes, but” or you sense that you are trying to talk your client into something, you can suppose you are too far ahead of your client. Therefore, scale down your compliments; use the same complimentary words, but toned down in meaning and affect.
Cheerleading is more effective when used in response to what the client has stated rather than to something you see. For example, the therapist with the client who was preoccupied with Michael might say:
Therapist: So, despite feeling terrible you tried a few things but not with overwhelming results. (Said with curiosity but low and matching affective tones)
Beth: Yes, I know it will take time to get over Michael and I just cannot stay home. I just wish I did not think of him so much.
Therapist: (With low affect and tone) I guess you are right. It can take time. Given that you were feeling low about the breakup, how did you decide to get out of the house rather than just sit around and think about him? (With curiosity but muted affect)
The therapist matches the client’s tone and the meaning around the changes the client reports. Rather than responding with seeming over-excitement, the therapist affirms her feeling and the fact that she did something.
More matching of tone, affect, and language will be discussed in the chapter on cooperating.
From the Brief Family Therapy Center of Milwaukee, the Brief Therapy Center of the Mental Research Institute, and the Milan Model, we learned the advantages of taking a consultation or “think” break in our sessions. The break involves taking time out of the therapy conversation to think over or brainstorm about the progress of solution construction, and to prepare some direct feedback for the client.
Even if we already believe during the session that we know what we want to say to the client and can define what task we will suggest to her or him, we take a break. There have been too many occasions when we skipped the break and, after the client left, realized what we wished we had said. The break gives a little distance and time to think through what we want to offer as feedback.
As we mentioned briefly in Chapter Three, we usually meet with clients anywhere from 30 to 45 minutes in conversation. When we work as a team with a mirror, the partner in front of the mirror explains to the clients at the beginning of the session that she or he will be taking time to consult with others behind the mirror and then return with feedback and possible advice.
If we are working alone, we explain that we are going to leave the room for a few minutes in order to take some time to think over what has been discussed and that we will then rejoin the client with some feedback.
Originally, while we were using a problem-focused approach, we thought of the break as providing a boundary between the interview and the intervention delivery. The initial part of the session was focused on “gathering information” about the problem and the attempted solutions. We thought of ourselves then as “interviewing” for information. We would take a break from that phase called information gathering and create an intervention. At that time, we thought of the intervention as the agent of change and we spent a great deal of time mapping the patterns of the attempted solution and creating tasks that would intervene in the pattern. At that time of our model development, we thought of the intervention as all-important. The phases of our sessions were conceptualized as (1) the interview part where we gathered problem information, (2) the consultation break part in which we designed the intervention, and, finally, (3) the intervention delivery part.
With a solution-focused approach, we no longer believe that we are gathering information. As discussed earlier, we now believe that we as therapists are co-participants in solution construction. We no longer believe that there is this objective thing called information. We believe that we have participated in a continuing conversation through which new meaning and, therefore, solution(s) have evolved.
On the break, we no longer wonder about the patterns of the problem of an observed system. We focus on the treatment group of therapist and clients, and on how solution construction is evolving. The break now is used to reflect on the solution construction and the feedback we can offer the client to facilitate the process.
Whether we are working as a team or as an individual therapist, the advantage of the break is that we can take time apart from maintaining the conversation in order to think more precisely about what feedback may be helpful for the client. When involved in the conversation, we can be distracted by the needs at the time for being empathic, maintaining the conversation, choosing and constructing questions, and monitoring the solution process. During the break, we are free of those responsibilities.
If we as therapists have unwittingly joined the clients in a framing of the problem/solution that is not working or if we have become involved with the client in an interaction that is not productive, the break provides the opportunity to step out of the role of therapist and take a more distant view. We can readjust when we rejoin the client.
The break also offers us a time when, as a team or as a therapist working alone, we can pool our perspectives and brainstorm on the feedback. Oftentimes, we find that the perspectives are different. The therapist in front of the mirror may be more affectively touched by the client because of the physical closeness in the session. Those behind the mirror often experience a more detached perspective. Even working individually, we experience the break as offering a detachment that we do not experience in the session.
Recently, I, Jane, was seeing a couple for several sessions about marital problems without a team behind the mirror. The couple did not seem to be making progress in reaching what they wanted and they decided to take time off from therapy. About six weeks later, the couple called for therapy around problems ascribed to their child. Since the couple thought a male therapist would be helpful for their boy and since I felt discouraged about the lack of improvement in the case, I suggested that John be the partner in front of the mirror, with me as the member of the team behind the mirror. The couple and child agreed. During the initial session with John conducting the session, a lot of things became apparent to me from behind the mirror. I became aware that a lot of changes had occurred in the marital relationship which I had not seen while I had been the therapist in the room with the couple. Having the perspective from behind the mirror gave me some distance that proved helpful. Not getting caught up in the negative emotions of the present in the therapy room became easier and enabled me to see that in the longer perspective the couple had made and were still making a considerable number of changes. Without feelings of discouragement from the previous therapy, John, in front of the mirror, could ask questions about how things were different since the last time. The couple reported exceptions not only with regard to the problem about their child but also how they were acting more as a parental team, and getting along better.
With a team approach, there are many different perspectives, given the different personalities, genders, ages, and so on. These different perspectives provide a richness to the process in that each person is contributing from his or her position in the conversation. We really believe that “two heads are better than one.”
We like to think that the break also offers time for clients to think about what was said and about the questions that were raised during the conversation. Do not be surprised when clients offer you their thoughts and reflections during the break after your return.
The clients also seem to be more expectant when we return. Given that we have framed the break as a time for us to think about what they have told us, clients appear expectant of the results of this “thinking” and “brainstorming.”
The break now offers us a boundary between the conversational feedback of the initial part of the session and a more formal feedback. While we no longer think of ourselves as interviewers gathering information, we like the break as a time to gather our own thoughts and provide clients with a more formal feedback time. The break creates a specialness to the feedback time.
The feedback is organized around compliments, message, and a possible task (de Shazer, 1985; O’Hanlon & Weiner-Davis, 1989).
Compliments are statements of praise or support that we offer the client and that are usually focused around the stated goal or solution process.
Tomm (1985) has stated that one of the most basic distinctions that we make in language is the distinction between good and bad. That distinction tends to create different climates. A “bad” label tends to be restrictive and people tend to close in and become defensive. On the other hand, a “good” label tends to free people. They become more open and expansive. They are more likely to generate new ideas and actions, to be more open to new or different ideas.
This idea is consistent with the basic thrust of the model, that focusing on the positive and on solutions facilitates change. Our feedback, therefore, is positive. This positive focus works for both the clients and the therapist(s). All the members of the treatment group focus on what is working and how what is working can be enhanced.
The central idea of offering compliments is to facilitate the solution construction. More specifically, compliments facilitate solution processes by (1) creating a positive context or climate, (2) highlighting the positive things clients are already doing in the solution area, (3) alleviating fears of judgment by the therapist, (4) alleviating fears about change through the support, (5) normalizing events and feelings, (6) framing the responsibility and credit of changing as the client’s, and (7) supporting each person’s view, if the client system is more than one person. This is a modification of the first listing of the purposes of compliments by the Schaumburg Group of Wall, Kleckner, Amendt, and Bryant (1989).
While a positive climate has probably been set or facilitated by questions and cheerleading in the conversation, the direct compliments often cement the positive focus of the therapy or carry it one step further.
Therapists have to look for positives. This has the obvious effect of focusing our attention during the conversation and the break on positives or changes of the client.
Giving compliments to clients offers a context of “good” as Tomm (1985) explained. This has effects for the whole treatment group, both for the therapist(s) and the clients. Therapists have to keep eyes and ears open for positive changes or for things that are working, while clients are left more open by the setting of a positive tone.
Clients generally respond to the positive nature of the entire session with more relaxed body postures and voice tones, and with more positive language. During the feedback of compliments, the response may be even more pronounced. Clients will generally relax more and may even spontaneously suggest that the compliment is a new way of looking at the situation. Clients who may have thought that they were doing nothing right will spontaneously say, “I guess I have been doing some things right,” or “I did not think anything was working but now that you mention it, I guess there are some things.”
A woman came to see us after being in therapy for over eight years. She was clearly accustomed to analyzing herself and her problems, but had sought us out because she now had only this one problem she wanted to solve. Our cheerleading in the session and the feedback at the end of the session were filled with compliments about all the positives we perceived her doing. She looked at us and said, “You know, this is so different from my other therapy in the past. You are so positive, I felt so down before I came, and now—I feel good!”
At this time, the clients may offer even more “exceptions” that they thought of during the break or that the compliment reminded them of. In the above case, she continued, “I had not thought I was handling things as well as I am.”
If you believe in positive reinforcement, this should fit very well. We facilitate continued changing by highlighting things we think the client is already doing that are helpful or working. Often these compliments are no more than our saying how impressed we are with the things they are already doing. We then go on to list all the exceptions to the problem or all the recent changes we found in the first part of the session.
For example, a couple came to see us about how to handle their “chronically mentally ill, adult child.” During the session, there were several examples of how the parents were able to maintain distance from the adult child and let her make her own decisions. In the feedback, we complimented the parents on all the things they were doing as parents that were helping the situation. The feedback was:
We are very impressed with how both of you have been able to maintain your distance and let her make her own decisions. For example, it is striking how you, mother, told your daughter that she would have to manage her own money and are holding firm that she needs to support her own apartment. It is striking how you, father, walked out of the kitchen, instead of yelling and getting into a power struggle. We are impressed how each of you is showing her that you have confidence that she can learn from her choices, both successes and mistakes.
These parents apparently took our compliments as affirmations. They returned the following session with even more examples of how they were backing off and showing the daughter they had confidence that she could learn from her choices.
In the initial part of the session, clients have told us many things that they feel ashamed of, embarrassed about, or vulnerable about in some way. Clients often feel exposed and fearful of the judgment an “expert” may be going to make. By returning after the break with compliments, we can set their minds at ease.
For example, a woman came to see us about her marital relationship. We conducted the first session by eliciting the positives and exceptions to the problem. We complimented her on the exception times. When the woman returned for the second session, she started by saying,
Things have been much better this week. You know, I want to say that I was very nervous about coming here last time. When you went out of the room to consult with your colleague and came back, I thought you were going to scold me—you know, slap me on my hand, but you did not do that. You told me how well I was doing and that made me feel so good.
Rather than being critical, as some may fear, we are complimentary and encouraging.
Many people are fearful of the consequences of change, of what may happen, or of what they fear change may mean. Some clients fear that you are about to tell them that they have to do even more although they may feel they are already doing as much as they believe is possible. Compliments can serve to alleviate fears through the implicit message that you recognize their struggle and the tremendous amount of effort they have put into trying to solve their problems. Compliments can be affectively empathic and supportive as you let clients know that you understand and that you are joining them in their efforts.
A woman came to see us because she thought she had an “eating disorder.” She said that she binged several times a day. She was reluctant to give us details because she felt so embarrassed and ashamed. She cited several diet programs she had used and how discouraged she was that she had always failed. She felt bad because, after each program, she not only went back to her old weight but then surpassed it.
When we changed to talking about the future, she was reluctant to do that. She later explained that she was afraid that we would ask her to promise to do something and she did not want to disappoint us, or to be disappointed again with what she thought was her lack of willpower.
Our compliments to her included how impressed we were with her persistence, that she had not given up despite the weight programs not working out. We also told her how impressed we were with how much she cared about herself to be working so hard on this and that it was obvious to us how serious this was to her. We told her that with something important like this, it was extremely important to go slowly and cautiously. After all, she did not want to be disappointed again.
These compliments served to reassure her about her fears of jumping into another crash program and about her concerns about criticism for her lack of willpower.
When involved with a problem of losing perspective, many clients feel that they are the only people who have this problem, or that there must be something wrong with them for not being able to solve the problem. Compliments can be so worded as to let clients know that the problem is common, or expected, and that there is nothing wrong with them. For example, with someone who is feeling depressed and overwhelmed, we might say:
We are actually very impressed that given all the things that are going on—your son in trouble at school, the divorce pending, your tight finances, and your boss putting more pressure on you—that you are handling things as well as you are. We would expect you to be feeling overwhelmed and sometimes wanting to just leave it all.
Or, for a single parent who is overwhelmed with all the responsibilities, we might compliment her or him in this way:
We are very impressed with how you are managing all these things for your children, actually going above and beyond the call of duty. We would think there would be something wrong with you if you did not occasionally wish you had never had the children and that you were responsible only to yourself.
Complimenting parents for the responsible approach taken allows them to back off from the pressure they are putting on themselves and to accept as normal that sometimes they may wish they were alone or may even hate their children for the moment. Putting the feeling in a positive way allows parents to back off by their choice and do so more effectively than if we told them that they were being overly responsible and that they needed to back off. With the latter negative way of putting it, they could very easily take the comment as a criticism and respond defensively.
Normalizing allows clients to stop blaming themselves, or someone else, and then to do something different.
Compliments are an excellent way of reminding or framing the responsibility and the credit for changing as the client’s. In this approach, we want the client to recognize her or his own resources and responsibility in changing and we want to promote independence. In traditional models, the client’s dependency on the therapist is seen as a vehicle for processing the transference by the client. The processing and analysis of the relationship is conceptualized as the vehicle for change. In contrast, we want clients to get on track to solving their problems or to reach their goals. We, therefore, want to minimize as much as possible their thinking that we as therapists are responsible for the change. If clients thought that we were responsible or that they as clients were dependent on therapy in order to change, they might return to therapy every time they run into a snag rather than reassuring themselves and looking to their own resources.
We use compliments like these to enhance independence and a sense of their responsibility: “We agree with your idea that it would be better for the children in the long run for you to take care of yourself with a day off occasionally. “This framing of “… agreeing with you” makes clients the experts and reinforces their constructing their own solutions. For example, with parents we might say:
We are very impressed with your coming up with this new idea this week for taking care of yourself rather than only taking care of the children all the time. It looks good on you. (This compliment also reinforces the client’s generating his or her own solution.)
We know that you will probably credit us for the improvements in your relationship, but we think you should have all the credit for your solving these problems. While we sometimes offer advice, not everyone takes it or uses it in the way you two are.
This compliment legitimizes their accepting our suggestions but also credits the couple for being open to the advice and utilizing it to the betterment of their relationship. The compliment also preempts their disqualifying their responsibility and credit for the changing.
Compliments are used to support each individual in a couple or family. Frequently, a person will come in feeling alone or alienated in the family or feeling that the family conflict means that only one person can be right or okay.
Compliments can be used to support each individual, and still enable you, as the therapist, to keep your neutrality (Cecchin et al., 1987). By complimenting everyone, you acknowledge everyone’s view or position and demonstrate that many views can coexist.
For example:
We are impressed by your coming here tonight, Steve. We know that it was not your idea and that you have had unfortunate marital therapy experiences in the past. It seems to us a sign of how much you care about Kathy and making the relationship work, that you would take this risk and respond to her request to come to marital therapy.
We are impressed with how you, Kathy, showed that you cared for Steve so much that you drew the bottom line and insisted that he come with you tonight and talk about how you want things to be between the two of you.
Compliments can be directed to individuals or they can be made to the relationship or to the family. Sometimes, we may want to normalize the situation for the couple and sometimes we can help draw a family together through a compliment. For example, we might say to a couple discouraged by their fighting:
We are impressed how the two of you are hanging in there even though you feel discouraged at times. They say the first year of marriage is the hardest and that more divorces happen in the first year than in any other. Given this first year can be a difficult period of adjusting, we are that much more impressed that you are keeping your faith that the two of you will work this out.
Or for a family who thinks they are working against each other, we might say:
We are struck by how each of you is showing your concern for the family in your individual ways; how you, Dad, are putting in such long hours at your job; how you, Mom, are sacrificing your own time for the kids; how you, Jerry, are keeping to yourself so as to not rock the boat; and you, Kathy, are worrying about your Mom and Dad. We are touched by how much you all want what you think is best, and helpful for the family. It would be easy when individuals have different ways of helping to think that maybe you are in conflict when you are all trying to reach the same thing.
Compliments vary depending on the timing in the process of solution construction. With some clients, you may have elicited many exception times; the primary purpose of the compliments may be to reinforce what the clients are doing. In other situations, you may have spent an entire session listening to and supporting the client who is in a terrible situation and is upset or fearful. You may not even have had the chance to discuss goals. In these situations, your compliments are directed towards alleviating fears and normalizing the client’s feelings. Compliments directed to reinforcing will wait for further sessions after a goal has been established.
The message part of our feedback is organized around one of four purposes. It can be (1) educational, (2) normalizing, (3) suggesting a new meaning, or (4) most often, a rationale for the task.
Sometimes, in addition to compliments, we want to offer some difference that comes from formal disciplines. The function of the message is the difference of meaning that it suggests and, by implication, a difference of action. Usually, these messages are statements about research or expert opinion (that clients might or might not know) that will help them think differently about their situation or solution. These messages might also be used to affirm what clients already believe or are doing. For example, we might say to a couple who are intent on resolving all their issues before they can have trust or enjoy their relationship:
In a recent research study of couples going through conflicts, the researchers found that some stayed together and some divorced. With the couples that stayed together, the researchers found that they had just as many fights as those that did not stay together, but unlike the other couples, they were able to put the issues aside for awhile and go have some fun or good times.
With parents we might say:
We have found that some children are action-oriented at different ages and some are reason-oriented. With action-oriented children, consequences work best. With reason-oriented children, discussing and giving reasons for doing what they are told work best. Neither orientation nor response is better than the other. Children are simply different in this way and sometimes the orientation changes back and forth as they grow up. We think that your child may be at an action stage and he may have to have consequences first for awhile before he sees the value of the reasons that you have been giving him.
Just as when we give compliments, sometimes we want to give a normalizing message to a client or family. The purpose is to affirm what the clients are doing and enable them to acknowledge their efforts.
For example, to parents in a newly blended family, we might say:
You know it is not unusual when two families are coming together after having been used to being separate that there is a stressful time of adjustment. And when parents think they have failed in their previous marriage, they can easily fall into thinking that the normal fights and conflicts that go with adjusting are signs they are failing again. The fact is, when family members are saying what they want, as people are doing in your family, that is actually a good sign that the adjusting is happening and the family is on track.
The message can also provide clients with a different meaning for what is happening. For example, we saw a family concerned about their daughter who was considered a “problem child.” She often cut school—and when she did go to school, the teachers thought she did not listen or work. The school counselor recommended family therapy. From behind the mirror, it was clear that this was a teen who valued nontraditional ways and being different from everyone else in a traditional suburban family and school system. She came to every session dressed radically different from her parents and talked with excitement about anything that was different or new. The parents, however, had interpreted her behavior as a sign of character defect. In the feedback message, we suggested: “Clearly, both of you parents have been doing something right in producing a daughter who has the courage to go her own way and to be an alternative learner, someone who learns in nontraditional ways.” This difference of meaning made it possible for the parents to view the daughter as someone who used other ways to learn, not someone who was bad or crazy.
In another case, the parents complained that their son was argumentative. Whatever they said, he had to “question them” and “fight back.” The father, who valued education and wanted his child to be successful, thought that his son’s behavior was an indication that he would not be able to conform and achieve as he grew up. Our message to the parents was, “We are actually impressed with how expressive your son is and we think he has the makings of becoming a great trial lawyer …” The father clearly liked this thought, and after this point he was able to engage his son in discussions instead of trying to get him to listen and behave. Of course, as you might predict, that son no longer wanted to be adversarial with so encouraging a father.
Most often, our message to clients is a rationale for a suggested task. The messages are simple and straightforward. If clients report several things they are doing within the solution, we tell them we think they are on track and, therefore, should continue. If the solution is less developed, we say that we would like to know more about the better times and thus want to suggest that they observe the better times so they can tell us more about them. These rationales simply follow the rule of thumb, “If it works, don’t fix it. Do more of it.”
As we mentioned in Chapter Five on pathways of constructing solutions (see also Figure 6), homework tasks flow from the path of the session and are aimed at furthering the construction of solutions.
Our use of homework assignments flows from the decision tree and tasks developed by de Shazer and Molnar (1987), further developed in Clues (de Shazer, 1988).
The first task is a general task and can be used almost anytime. Tasks two through four, you will notice from Figure 6, flow directly from the progression of the pathways of constructing solutions.
Figure 6. Pathways of Constructing Solutions
This is the most general task that we suggest. It can be used regardless of the path of the map we used. We use “Observe for positives” by itself or in conjunction with the other three tasks.
The task is a strictly observational task and is usually a variation on the formula first-session task developed by Brief Family Therapy Center (de Shazer & Molnar, 1984). The original task went like this:
Between now and the next time that you come in, we would like you to notice what is going on in your life (marriage, family, etc.) that you would like to see continue. (de Shazer & Molnar, 1984, p. 298)
This task enables clients to focus more specifically on what is happening positively in their present life in the goal area. The intent is to have clients shift their focus to the positive and begin to notice some of the specific ways they are bringing about the positives in their goal area.
We now tailor this task to clients’ language and to some of the specifics of what they may have set as their goal. So, if clients say they want “greater harmony within the family,” we phrase the task using that language. For example, we would suggest to them:
Between now and the next time you come in, we would like you to look out for those times when there is some harmony in the family and take note of what you and everyone else are doing. It seems you must be doing something right at those times and we would like to know more about what that might be.
We also urge clients to observe rather than to do something when we sense in the session that they may be feeling somewhat hesitant about change. The thought of doing something might seem too big of a step. The observational task might not seem as threatening.
For example, a man came in who had just lost three teaching jobs in a row and was concerned about starting another for fear of being fired again. His employers had fired him because of his lack of control and discipline in his classes.
When asked what he thought he would be doing differently when he was on track in having more control and discipline, he replied that he would be taking things slower, and in a more planful manner. He thought he got in trouble when he began to act in impulsive or desperate ways. To his way of thinking, he was in danger of escalating this activity and feeling more and more out of control.
We asked if “taking things slower” was happening now. He said that on his present job, which was as a temporary clerk, he reminded himself from time to time to slow down. How was he doing that, we asked. He said that when he would say that to himself, he would take a breath and look at what he had written out as his plan for that day.
We offered him this feedback and task:
(Compliments)
We are struck by your dedication to teaching, that despite some very disappointing experiences you are still dedicated to helping young children and keeping the faith that you can learn more of what to do with them.
We are also impressed with your insights about what you are doing that are helping you do even more of what you want. We can see how taking things more slowly would enable you to use more of your skills and feel somewhat more in control.
(Message, a rationale for the task)
We are also impressed with your doing some of this already in your present job. We are curious about how you manage to do this given that this temporary job has its own pressures.
(Task)
So, we would like to suggest that between now and the next time you come in you notice what you are doing or what is different when you are acting even the slightest bit more slowly in the way you want. Make mental notes, if not written ones, so you can tell us about it next time.
This task assumes that he is already doing some of what he wants and does not require him to do anything in the areas where he is fearful. Since he does not have the pressure to do anything different, he might be more likely to observe what he is already doing. By doing this, he will find more exceptions to enumerate in the next session.
For other clients who like to think about changes first before they take action, this observational task seems to be a good fit.
If the interview produces exceptions to the problem or already occurring changes in the solution area that clients would say are deliberate and within their control, then we instruct them to continue to do the exceptions and observe what happens.
For example, a young woman came in complaining about feeling depressed and discouraged about a recent break-up in a relationship. She had been engaged and her parents had disowned her over her choice of a husband. Despondent about the turn of events and feeling there was no hope, she had tried to kill herself.
After joining and empathy, we asked what she wanted from therapy. She stated that in the relationship and the storm with her parents and fiancé she had “sort of lost herself.” She now wanted to think for herself and o/herself. She thought she needed to be taking care of herself and not get so wrapped up in what other people thought or wanted.
When we asked how she might already be doing that, she stated coming to therapy was one thing and that she was looking for another job because she had lost her job. She further stated that her job search was different in that she was looking for what she thought might be interesting for her, rather than for what she thought she should do. She was not pressing herself to call her fiancé and was letting go of some of that sense of desperation that she had to get married now.
These were all exceptions within the area of her goal of thinking for and of herself, as well as taking care of herself She would say these were all deliberate things and within her control. Even if these were not all consciously thought out beforehand by her as “thinking of and for herself,” she would say that she could repeat all of the actions she was taking.
We therefore gave her this feedback and task:
We are very impressed that you are choosing life over death, that despite what has been happening you are choosing to make your life worthwhile to you by thinking about yourself and doing what is good for you.
We are struck by how you are already doing some of that by coming to therapy, by looking for a job that interests you rather than for one you think you should do, by relaxing your expectation that you have to get married now. We agree with you that these all seem to be steps in the right direction and helpful for you. We are curious about what else you are doing or thinking differently about that you have not noticed yet.
(Message, a rationale for the task)
We think this taking care of yourself is great and want to encourage you to continue doing it at a pace that seems right to you. We know that you have been ambitious in your thinking in the past and you might be tempted to take more than one step at a time, but we would urge you to take it slow.
(Task)
So keep up what you are doing that is “for you” and take notice of what you are doing so that you can tell us about it next time.
This simple message complimented her, reinforced what she was already doing in the solution or goal area, suggested that she continue to “take care of herself” (her words) and notice what else is happening (the implication is that there is more she is doing that she has not noticed yet). Because she had placed demanding expectations on herself in the past, we suggested that she move ahead at a more comfortable pace.
If the exceptions clients talk about in the session are seen by them as out of their control or spontaneous, or if clients cannot explain how the exceptions happened, we suggest a task that focuses their attention on how the exceptions are being accomplished. The most common task to bring out what is working for the client is pretending.
For example, a woman came to see us because she was feeling depressed. She stated that she did not feel like a productive person and that even with her husband’s support and encouragement, she was not able to do anything more. In fact, his encouragement only made her feel worse by reminding her of what she was not doing.
She stated that when the problems were solved (hypothetical solution) she would be acting more organized and scheduling her day when she got up. Right now, she thought her antique business and managing her household were failing because she would stay in bed or just sit around all day.
We asked whether any of this being organized and scheduling her day happened now, at all. She said there were days when she would be productive for half a day or sometimes longer. How did she explain this? She said she could not; some days she just felt different. When she felt different as she woke up, she was more organized on those days. We gave her this feedback:
(Compliments)
We are very impressed with your setting these goals of being more organized and acting more productively in your business and home life. Other people have been content to let others do it and take advantage of them or else they have just given up. In contrast, you definitely want to be contributing your share.
(Message, a rationale for the task)
We are also struck that some days you act more productively and organize your day. Somehow you get yourself to do that, but as yet you are having difficulty explaining it. We think there is something to these days when you feel different.
(Task)
So, what we want to suggest is that on the odd-numbered days of the week you pretend to feel different and see what happens. We know that you might not always feel that way. In fact, you might even feel the same old way. However, we think there is some potential in how you act and think different when you do. So, every other day pretend to feel different and on the even-numbered days just do as you normally do. Let us know what differences you notice.
This feedback message very simply complimented her, gave her the message that there was some potential for solution in the exception times, and asked her to pretend to do what she said she was doing and notice what worked.
We asked her to pretend to do this every other day in order for her to be able to contrast the results with what she did “normally.” It is hoped that the difference between her experiences will give her more clues as to how she can have control over what initially seemed out of control to her.
Sometimes we have no information other than the hypothetical solution. That may be because there was not enough time to get exceptions or maybe, despite our best efforts, there were no exceptions that were articulated. All we have is a description of the hypothetical solution. More than likely, we cannot tell clients to go home and practice the hypothetical solution because to them it is still in the realm of miracles or magic. We suggest to clients, at that point, that they go home and experiment with some very small piece of the solution.
The reason for scaling down the task to some small piece of the solution is that usually the solution has so far been discussed only within the frame of the “miracle” question. Therefore, in the client’s mind, the solution may still be very remote and unreachable.
In order to fit our task within their present framing, we suggest that clients go home and “experiment” (if that word is a better fit with their worldview) or “pretend” (if that word is more fitting) with some small piece of the solution and let us know what happens.
For example, a young woman came to see us about some problems she was having with her mother. She thought of her mother as always being critical of her. She felt frustrated that no matter what she did to please her mother, the mother never seemed happy.
We asked how we could help her with this. Initially, this was quite a puzzle to her because she was hoping her mother would become different and she had not thought of what she wanted from therapy or what she might do differently. She thought for a moment and then said she would like to be taking a “pro-active” stance. We asked how she would be acting (hypothetical solution) if she were being “pro-active” now. She said that when she was spending time with her mother who lived out of town she would be “setting her own agenda and taking charge more” of the time with her mother. She could not think of any exceptions, times when she was doing that even a little bit with her mother now.
We asked how that would be for her if her mother did not always like what her daughter did as part of the “pro-active” stance. She said that it would be hard for her to be “pro-active” when her mother disagreed, but at least she would have the satisfaction that she had voiced what she wanted rather than acting passively as she did now. She stated that what she did now was always to ask her mother what she wanted to do. However, she resented always having to ask or having to do what her mother wanted.
We asked what her mother might say about her taking a more “pro-active” stance if she were here in the session. She thought for some time, and then said that she thought that maybe her mother might even like it. She might like seeing her daughter state what she wants.
At the end of the session, we had no exceptions, no recent examples of the client being “pro-active” with her mother. So we asked her to do some small piece of the hypothetical solution.
(Compliments)
We are very impressed with how much you care about your mother and about your time with her. Someone who did not care as much would just blow off the time and it would not make any difference whether it was a good time or bad time.
We are also impressed by how you respect yourself and how you want to have a good time for yourself and how you would like to have a better relationship with your mother.
(Message, a rationale for the task)
We are very struck with your idea about being more “pro-active” and “taking charge more.”
(Task)
We would like to suggest that you might want to experiment with this new idea. Because you tend to be a giving person and being pro-active might seem a bit awkward at first, you might want to do just a small piece of it to try it on for size.
The idea of this task is to help the client create experience for herself with the new meaning that has evolved from our conversation—that is, being “pro-active” and “taking charge more.” With this new meaning, she can experiment with the solution. This does not mean that she has to succeed with it. She is only to experiment to find what about it she might like to continue. Since it is new, we suggest she do only a small piece of the hypothetical solution and we leave it up to her to decide what a small piece might be.
While all these tasks flow from the map, each task must be framed by the message. The message provides the context for the task. If the interview has produced exceptions that are deliberate and the client seems likely to do tasks, then usually we try to have the compliments, message, and task all flow with the same theme and momentum. The compliments will highlight the exceptions; the message will frame the exceptions as being on track to solving the problem and will indicate the control the client has over the exceptions; the task will tell clients to do more of what they are already doing.
Similarly, if the exceptions are perceived as spontaneous, the compliments, message, and task will all be organized around the theme of spontaneous exceptions and how clients will find out how they brought them about.
All four of these tasks assume that a goal is being developed and solution construction is in motion. However, even when a goal has not been established yet, there are times that we give tasks that focus the client on distinguishing between complaint and goal or on defining what the client wants.
For example, some clients come to therapy with a misconception of what the therapist can do. Couples may come in with each mate expecting that the therapist can and will be able to change the other. Other clients may have a list of wishes or of things they do not want, but they have not as yet thought of what they do want. In such circumstances, we might suggest that clients take the time between sessions to think about what they want from therapy. For some clients, that may require their having to think about whether they want to put the energy into their marriage or divorce, or do something that involves some risk. A message and task might be like this:
(Message, normalizing and a rationale for the task)
It seems very apparent that the two of you are very clear about what you have not liked and that you are very frustrated with how things have been going between the two of you. It would seem to make sense that you would be torn about whether or not you want to take risks or steps to make things better.
(Task)
We would suggest that you give some thought this week as to how we can help you if you decide that you want to try working things out or how you would like us to help if you decide that you do not want to work things out.
This task does not require a decision about marriage or divorce, but does ask the clients to think about what they might like from coming to therapy. Since there has been no agreed-upon goal as yet, we cannot ask them to do anything.
Another example is a mother who came in about her 16-year-old son. The mother was concerned about the repeated fighting between the two of them. She was a single parent and they lived in a dangerous part of the city. Mother was concerned about her son’s safety with all the gangs in the neighborhood and wanted him to stay home much more than he was willing.
The son was also concerned about the fighting, and wanted to be talking and getting along with his mother. He just wanted her to trust him more to be on his own and pick his own friends.
In the first session, mother and son identified some times when they talked and he felt trusted. At the second session, they reported that things were much better. Mother was very pleased that he was not arguing with her and was doing the things she asked.
At the third session, they reported that things were much worse. The boy was very discouraged that despite his trying to please his mother and do what she said, she seemed just as restrictive and overly protective.
In talking with mother, we found that she thought that the burden for the solution was all with her son. Mother seemed to have criteria only for when to punish or restrict him and not for when to trust him. She had not thought out how she would know when to let go of him more, now that he was getting older. Her goal had been defined thus far only in terms of what her boy would be doing differently and did not include what she would be doing differently.
We gave mother this message and task:
(Message, new meaning and a rationale for the task)
We are impressed how you are managing to be a single parent in such difficult circumstances and how you have raised a boy who so wants to have a good relationship with his mother. You have obviously been doing a good job of encouraging respect and responsibility. It seems to us that now that he is getting older you also want him to be developing more trust in his own judgment. If he is going to make mistakes, we suppose it is better that he make them now when he has you for advice and counsel.
(Task)
Since it is important to both of you that he know that he is earning your trust, we suggest you think about how you will know when to let him do more things independently and how he will know that you are trusting him.
This task was designed to facilitate the mother’s defining a goal rather than a complaint. At the beginning of the session, she had still been defining a goal that was out of her control—that is, her son being different. She was not, as yet, recognizing how she could facilitate his further changing in the way she wanted.
QUESTION:
Are not clients put off by your leaving the room and taking a break?
When we first started taking breaks, we carried with us all our assumptions from earlier models. We were afraid that clients would think we were rude, that we were cheating them of their time, or that we were not really working.
We have found the opposite to be true. Clients have told us how much they appreciate the direct feedback before they leave. Some clients comment that they frequently had felt frustrated with previous therapies that were so nondirective that they did not know what the therapist’s thoughts were.
Some clients have even commented that they really appreciate that we are taking separate time to really think about what they said.
QUESTION:
Have you found clients objecting to receiving only positive feedback?
Some clients do. For them feedback that is only positive does not seem “real.” Other clients think the way to reach a solution is to plunge into the problem or they think they have to know why the problem is happening.
For those clients who want “reality,” we might preface what we say with “You probably will think this is too positive, but …” We might also tone down our feedback or bring in our cautions or worries to match whatever concerns might be behind their desire for a more negative or balanced feedback.
We might say:
We are really impressed that you are taking a firmer stand with the children, being direct, and following through. However, we are also concerned that since you are such a loving parent you might mistakenly think that the consequences are a sign of meanness on your part rather than a way to prepare the children for the responsibilities they will face in the real world.
For those clients who are problem-oriented, we might explain that our style is to focus on what works. We might further explain that if focusing on what works does not help, we can then get into the problem material.
What about the mirror? Is it necessary to use one or to work as a team?
The mirror is not necessary and working as a team is not necessary. They are both advantages. The mirror gives the team the advantage both of being apart from the session and of having the detachment to have a different perspective on the client’s situation, as well as on the interaction between therapist and client.
The team is a tremendous advantage if you have that luxury. The additional perspective of each person of the team and the distance created behind the mirror provide a melting pot of feedback for the client to choose from and take advantage of.
However, when I, John, used to do home visits, I obviously could not use a mirror or team. However, I would still ask the client for a “think break” and use some time to think out my feedback. Co-therapy in our experience provides the additional perspective, but does not provide quite as clean a detachment as the use of a mirror.
At first glance, using a team approach can hardly seem to be cost effective. However, the learning that takes place by all the members seems to more than compensate for the added time. The reputation of your therapy is enhanced by the effectiveness added by use of the team.
QUESTION:
Do you always give a task?
We almost always give a task or suggestion unless the client has somehow indicated that a task does not fit or we simply do not have one. We do not necessarily expect the client to do the task and we never ask directly if the task was done. We used to ask clients about their task, but when they had not done the task they were usually defensive. Now, we just ask our beginning question of “What is different or better?” and assume that in the course of the reply the question of whether or not they had done the task will be answered.
1. Keep a journal for yourself for a week. Look for the things that are going on in your life that you would like to continue and write them down. At the end of each day, write out one compliment to yourself based on the journal. This will provide you with an experience roughly similar to that of your clients.
2. In beginning to give feedback to your clients, start by giving the client three compliments. Notice the differences in the client’s responses both then and in the next session. Enjoy the change. Use the compliment worksheet (Figure 7) to generate your compliments.
3. Use the solution construction worksheet (Figure 4, p. 87) to determine where you and the clients are in constructing solutions. Based on where you think you and the client are, pick a solution constructing task that flows from the conversational pathway toward solution and tell the client directly and straightforwardly what your suggestion is.
This worksheet is designed to help you construct compliments and feedback for your clients. When taking your break in the session, read over and answer the following questions. Your answers will provide positive reinforcement for your clients and may lead to messages that you want to use. Ask yourself:
Figure 7. Compliment Worksheet
*This term, cheerleading, was originally used as a research code for process research on interviewing. We are using the term here to describe any supportive expression by the therapist. C£, de Shazer et al., 1985.