You’ve Got to Love These Guys! Worship Them, Actually
Narcissistic Superstars play the lead in their own life story, which, to them, is indistinguishable from the history of civilization. At the depths of their souls, these vampires believe that they are the most important people on earth. If you understand and accept this one central fact, Superstars cease to be a danger and become merely an annoyance. If the fact that they believe themselves to be the crown of creation offends you and makes you want to point out to them that they’re not so great as they think they are, get away quickly, because they will destroy you.
Unfortunately, there are few places you can get away to, because wherever you go, there will likely be a Narcissistic Superstar in a position of authority over you. So, what’s it to be? Do you fight them, run from them, or learn how to deal with them?
Everything we’ve learned up to now about Narcissists is also true of Superstars, except that, unlike Legends in Their Own Minds, they know how to work, and they know how to sell. These vampires are willing and able to do what it takes to turn their grandiose dreams into reality. Almost. Superstars’ dreams are always beyond their grasp. Whatever they are and whatever they have is never enough. They always want more.
Narcissistic Superstars’ abilities, coupled with their tremendous hunger, may bring them success, but never satisfaction. They build empires, lead nations, create great works of art, and amass huge sums of money for one purpose only: to prove how great they are. Superstars may boast incessantly about what they have and what they’ve done, but once they have it or have done it, whatever it is loses value in their eyes. They always need more.
Whether it’s money, honors, status symbols, or sexual conquests, Superstars always want something. They get what they want, too. Every one of them has a trophy collection. Adding to it is the sole purpose of Narcissistic Superstars’ existence; there is no higher goal.
The most dangerous place you can be is between a Narcissistic Superstar and the next trophy.
With surgical precision, Vampire Antonio unpacks the boxes of photographice quipment spread across the dining room table.
Oriana stands in the doorway, shaking her head. “Another camera?”
Antonio holds up what looks like a futuristic gray box with a viewfinder on top. “This isn’t a camera; it’s a Hasselblad!” He removes a lens from a leather case and reverently connects it to the camera body. “See this? It’s the finest lens made. The resolution is incredible. Here, look.”
He holds the camera out to Oriana, who dutifully looks through the eyepiece. “Very nice,” she says. “But it doesn’t seem that much different from all your other cameras.”
Antonio tenses up. “Here we go again,” he says. “Let’s hear the spending-too-much-money-on-cameras lecture. I know it’s coming.”
“I didn’t say—”
Antonio puts the camera down. “What’s the matter? You don’t think I work hard enough?” He begins ticking off points on his fingertips. “Twelve years of round-the-clock training, 60 or 70 hours of surgery cases a week, plus the time I spend on publications. You’d think the least I could expect out of my life is to use some of the money I earn to give myself a little pleasure. It’s not as if you and the kids are doing without anything. I mean, that is your Mercedes in the driveway, isn’t it?”
Oriana stands there quietly, waiting for Antonio to finish.
Superstars love expensive toys. They have to have the best, because this shows that they are the best. An unrelenting drive to achieve and acquire is the center of their personality. There is no point in asking Narcissistic Superstars why they need to have so much and do so much. They don’t know, any more than a flower knows why it turns toward the sun.
Don’t waste your time trying to figure it out. Use it. For all their talent, intelligence, and temporal power, Superstars are pathetically easy to manipulate. Here’s how.
There is no way around it. If you want to maintain any sort of relationship with Narcissistic Superstars, you have to admire them, their achievements, and their toys incessantly. Typically, it won’t take much effort on your part to kiss up to Superstars. They’ll be more than happy to come up with reasons to congratulate themselves. All you have to do is listen and look interested.
It’s important to know what you want for yourself as clearly as Superstars know what they want for themselves. Superstars always know what they want, and they’re always trying to figure out how to get it. If your own needs are unclear to you, or you wait for these vampires to give you what you deserve, you’ll never get anything.
Superstars are going to get what they want, whether you’re a part of it or not. Make yourself a part of it. To get even slightly reasonable treatment from Superstars, you’ll have to play all the angles, just as they do.
Oriana doesn’t want her own camera, but there are many things she does want from Antonio. At the top of the list is for him to spend more time with her and the family, which is an almost universal desire among people close to Superstars. To get what she wants, Oriana will have to somehow tie it into Antonio’s desire to do great deeds and own great things. Here’s an example of how she might go about it:
“Can I hold it?” Oriana asks. Antonio hands the Hasselblad to her, and she cradles it gently. “So tell me,” she says. “What does this camera do that makes it so special?”
Antonio beams. “What doesn’t it do is more like it. This is the most advanced camera made anywhere in the world today. Let’s start with the lens mount …”
Oriana listens patiently and enthusiastically throughout Antonio’s lengthy presentation. Finally, she senses an opening. “This may be a dumb question, but can that camera take pictures of things that are moving, even though they’re far away? Like maybe a sports event?”
He removes a longer lens from its case. “With a lens like this, this camera can catch the beads of sweat on a quarterback’s nose at a hundred yards.”
“Wow! You mean it can really pick up sports action, and even the expressions on the players’ faces?”
“Absolutely! Why do you ask? Do you have some particular sport you want a picture of?”
“Well, the other day at Ramon’s soccer game, I was looking at the boys. I started thinking about what a wonderful photo essay somebody could do on third-grade soccer. It was so cute how they were playing like grown-ups in the game, then playing in the mud puddles when they were on the sidelines. If somebody could catch those contrasts…. Of course, it would take a really good photographer and really excellent equipment to get the kinds of one-in-a-million shots I’m thinking of.”
Antonio pats his new camera. “This is the baby that can do it, right here.”
Is Oriana being manipulative? You bet. With Superstars, there’s no way around manipulation. Vampires understand that most human interactions have a manipulative component, but that some techniques work better than others. Telling Antonio how sad Ramon is that his dad doesn’t come to his soccer games is also a manipulative strategy, but it’s one that won’t work on Superstars. They never feel guilty about being too busy to meet anybody else’s needs. If you can’t get over the fact that Oriana has to stoop to trickery to get Antonio to do things a normal father would be happy to do, you probably shouldn’t marry a Narcissistic Superstar. Or work for one. In order for Narcissistic Superstars to act like normal human beings, they generally have to be manipulated into it.
Superstars always seem to forget that someday the people who are beneath notice may have something to offer. Narcissists’ paths through life are always marked by scorched earth and burned bridges.
Narcissists get away with utter disregard for other people’s feelings because they can. If these vampires want to build a business, then drive off their best talent for lack of reverence or lack of political skill, there’s no way to stop them. They have the money and the power to do what they want, and they certainly don’t give a damn what others think about it.
Among numerous authors on the way of Narcissists, Christopher Lasch is by far the most eloquent.* He believes that narcissism is becoming an epidemic, especially in the worlds of business and politics. Lasch may be correct, but that still leaves us with the question of what to do about it. Narcissists certainly won’t change because some expert tells them it’s bad to be Narcissistic.
No amount of negative press will change Narcissistic Superstars. They always have glee clubs of self-interested supporters to sing their praises. Narcissists prefer sucking up to reasoned criticism every time.
People tend to either love Superstars or hate them. There’s no in between, and there’s very little predicting who will feel what. Some people forgive any amount of Narcissistic behavior because of the vampire’s talents and success; other people become outraged at even small amounts of entitlement. Remember that the next time you want to grumble about your Narcissistic boss.
Superstars create an alternative universe in which they are special, and your success and happiness are contingent upon your indulging their every whim. If you work for them, their power over you may be sufficient to turn their alternative universe into the one you have to live in. To make things more confusing, these managerial vampires often create systems that they themselves don’t understand, because they don’t design them. Everything is jury-rigged by employees to compensate for deficiencies in the manager’s personality. There is only one rule in such systems: humor the boss. Superstars like to spout off about teamwork, empowerment, and flattening the organization, blissfully unaware that when they’re around, all real work stops because job number one is entertaining the boss. The comic strip Dil-bert is a far better guide to this kind of organizational structure than any management text.
Superstars are famous for making fools of themselves over sex. Right now, you can probably name a dozen or so who have shot themselves in the foot by philandering. Well, maybe it’s not the foot.
People marvel at how such bright people can act like such complete idiots when their pants are off. Why do they do it?
Sex is just one of the many forms of adulation that Narcissistic Superstars expect from other people. Superstars are major-league seducers and world-class adulterers, but absolute rookies when it comes to love. Often, they don’t see sex as related to love. It’s more like a sport.
High-profile womanizers are often misdiagnosed by the press as being sex addicts. Real sex addicts act like other addicts. They are consumed by their addiction. They build up a tolerance, which means that they have to have more sex, more often, usually several times a day. They don’t much care with whom. Between partners, they masturbate. For them, sex is joyless, an insatiable need.
Narcissists are not addicted to sex, but to adoration in whatever form it takes. They can’t tolerate anyone turning them down for any reason.
For Narcissists, it’s not so much the sex; it’s the keeping score. Antisocials pursue sex because it’s fun. If a relationship gets too difficult, they tend to move on because there are other fish in the sea. Not Superstars; as a matter of principle, they want every fish, in every ocean, all the time. Sex for Narcissists is more important as a token of obeisance than because it feels good or is a form of human closeness. The problem is that the people they get the sex from don’t always feel that way.
The hotel bar is quiet this late at night. In a dark corner, it’s just the Candidate and Trish, one of the many staffers who are working so hard to get him elected.
Trish can’t believe her good luck. Face time with Him. She was so surprised when he asked her to have a drink; she didn’t think he even knew her name.
He smiles that campaign poster smile at her. “Trish, I think you have real potential, now and when this campaign is over. Of course, we have to win first, which won’t be that easy. A lot is riding on what happens in the next few days. The speech tomorrow, how do you think we should play it? Is it time for me to take off the gloves?
Trish is flabbergasted. The great man wants her opinion!
Trish isn’t flabbergasted; she’s seduced.
When Narcissists want something from people, they actually see them as great and wonderful. That’s why their hypnosis is so effective. Once Superstars get what they want, their perceptions return to what, for them, is normal—seeing ordinary people as, well, ordinary. The problem is that the people they seduce may still be laboring under the delusion that they are as special as the Superstars said they were.
Everyone is affected adversely by Superstars’ peccadilloes: the people they seduce, their own families, the coworkers who are jealous of favoritism, and all the businesslike folks standing on the sidelines watching this soap opera proceed to its unhappy conclusion so they can get on with their jobs. And that’s even before the press gets wind of it.
You’ve seen this story play out so many times with so many powerful characters. Each time, you probably wonder how such smart people can be so stupid.
Narcissists are very good at compartmentalization. They can draw a mental curtain around one area of their life, and pretend that it has nothing to do with anything else. It’s easy for them, because what connects the areas in our lives are people’s feelings, something that Superstars rarely notice. In more ways than one, that proves their undoing.
Remember the three requirements for mental health that I outlined in Chapter 2—perception of control, pursuit of challenge, and feeling connected to something larger than yourself? Narcissistic Superstars make top scores in two out of three. They stand proudly at the helm of their own lives, captains of their fate. They love challenge, the tougher the better. Their great deficiency is that they live in a miniature universe that is no larger than their own desires.
Superstars never seem to grasp the idea of connecting to something larger than themselves. It is this lack that ultimately makes their lives unsatisfying. Yet these vampires invariably believe that their lack of satisfaction results from other people criticizing them unfairly or just not making enough effort to please them.
Antonio has that pinch-browed look on his face when he comes through the door. Oriana knows that things have gone badly at the clinic. She also knows that within the next few minutes, Antonio is going to find something—anything—on which to vent his frustrations.
Oriana looks around the living room, hoping that the kids remembered to take their backpacks upstairs. Marta’s shoes are in the hallway. Oriana swoops down and whisks them out of sight before Antonio notices. “How was your day?” she ventures.
Antonio doesn’t answer. A bad sign.
Oriana thinks about positive things to bring up. “Ramon got three goals at soccer practice.”
Antonio grunts, and continues flipping through the mail. “Did you pick up my tweed jacket at the cleaners?” he asks.
Oriana feels an electric tingle along her spine. “I meant to,” she says, “but I didn’t have time.”
Narcissistic Superstars tend to experience two different kinds of anger that may be indistinguishable to the outside observer.
In the world of Superstars, incompetence is the gravest crime. Their standards for themselves are high, and even higher for the little people around them whose job it is to keep everything running smoothly so that the Superstars can do their jobs.
Needless to say, Superstars get angry quite often, especially if other people’s mistakes cause even slight inconvenience. Narcissists’ favorite tantrum is the condescending lecture on standards of minimal competence. Such lectures seldom have the desired effect of inspiring people to work harder and be more careful. Superstars often feel, correctly, that the little people around them are purposely ignoring their requests and instructions. This usually leads to more tantrums.
The other kind of anger that Superstars experience is at themselves when they don’t win. Their spirits can drop like a stone at the slightest evidence that they’ve made a mistake. Superstars are their own severest critics, but when they begin criticizing themselves, they always seem to find things to criticize about other people as well. Being angry at everybody else tends to divert Superstars from their disappointment in themselves. It’s hard to say whether Superstars get angry because they’re depressed or get depressed because they’re angry, but it’s absolutely certain that when Narcissists get depressed, everyone gets drained.
If you’re close to a Superstar, rather than cringing in fear at his or her irritability or retaliating, it’s more helpful to try to find out what the real problem is and discuss it.
“Tonio, what do you say we get beyond the grumpiness and talk about what’s really going on?” Oriana says.
“What do you mean?” Antonio replies.
Oriana puts her hands on her hips. “You tell me. All I know is that you don’t get this upset unless something really big is bothering you. Has something happened at the clinic?”
“I guess I am upset,” Antonio says. His lower lip quivers almost imperceptibly as he pushes it into a fatalistic smile. “I mean, it’s not that big a deal, but they, uh, put me on probation for yelling at a nurse in the OR.”
Passive-Aggressive behavior enrages Superstars, yet they draw it like a magnet. It makes sense. The way they whack people over the head with blunt criticisms, who could blame anybody for retaliating? Superstars, that’s who.
Narcissistic Superstars and Passive-Aggressive Histrionics are a match made in hell. Each can cause the other to escalate into spasms of self-destruction. If you ever have to deal with Superstar anger, the most important thing to remember is not to respond the way a Passive-Aggressive Histrionic would.
Understate Superstars’ transgressions rather than exaggerating them even slightly. Annoying as they are, Narcissists aren’t sadistic like Antisocial Bullies; they don’t enjoy inflicting pain for its own sake. Superstars are just a bunch of insensitive babies throwing very creative tantrums. Call them irritable, call them obnoxious, call them SOBs, but don’t call them abusers. Abuse is a crime. If you use that word, all you’ll get from Superstars is defensiveness. If you impugn their reputations, they’ll be more interested in proving you wrong than in hearing what you have to say.
Histrionics tend to use the word abuse for anything that causes them discomfort, and that usage has moved into the vernacular. As a rule, the only time it’s appropriate to use the term abuse is when you’ve consulted an attorney, or if you’re going on a daytime talk show.
Even though Superstars’ anger is different from that of Antisocial Bullies, the same strategies will work. If you have to deal with an angry Superstar, you might review the approaches suggested for dealing with Bullies in Chapter 8. Your goal, as always, is to get vampires to stop picking on you, not to have them acknowledge how much it hurts to be picked on.
In addition to the strategies outlined for Bullies, there’s one more thing to remember about Superstars’ anger.
Superstars, because of their competence, achievement, and general arrogance, are often more respected than liked. People who love these vampires, in a misguided attempt to humanize them, will sometimes share stories of funny little mistakes that Superstars have made. Don’t even think of doing this! Superstars’ mistakes are not little, and they are absolutely not funny.
When you deal with Superstars, take care of business—your own.
Narcissistic Superstars draw you in because of their talents, abilities, and power. They are often special people, and you feel special being around them. You’re not. For Narcissists, other people are sources of supplies, rather than real, full-blown human beings. Only Superstars are three-dimensional.
One of the easiest ways to spot Narcissists is to look around when you need help at an inconvenient time. They’re the ones who aren’t there.
Superstars’ histories are often impressive lists of achievements. Don’t be too impressed to find out how they’ve treated other people while they were doing their great deeds. Whatever happened to those other people is what will happen to you.
There will always be two kinds of people in Superstars’ past. The people above them will always think they were wonderful, but if you really want to know what they were like, you have to talk to their peers and the bit players in their lives. There is no greatness without narcissism, and narcissism is caustic to human relationships. The question you want answered about Superstars’ past is not whether they were Narcissistic, but how well they kept it contained.
Superstars run many businesses, perhaps even yours. If you work for them, they expect to be treated in a particular way, and you’d better know how. Watch the people who are successful and do what they do.
Your goal with Superstars is to get the best return on your efforts, whatever they are. This is true whether you are involved in a personal or a business relationship with them. I know this sounds mercenary, but it is the approach that works best. Narcissists of all types are famous for unbalanced relationships in which the other person does all the giving. It’s harder to get caught if you keep an eye on the bottom line from the beginning.
If you want Superstars’ attention, you’ll have to sell yourself and your ideas. Whatever you’re selling should be presented in the same way as a Rolls-Royce—as a top-of-the-line item that Narcissists might not be able to afford. They usually find a way to pay for high-status luxuries. As long as you’re one of those, you’ll do fine. With Superstars, there’s no point in being a bargain.
With Superstars, it’s a bigger problem trying to give outside verification than to get it. Behind their backs, everybody agrees that Superstars make mistakes. Nobody wants to tell them to their faces, because Superstars have strong propensities both to ignore information that suggests they’re less than wonderful and to kill messengers who bring them bad news.
If you do have to give a Superstar bad news, make sure that you have facts and figures to back it up, or opinions from people with status much higher than the vampire’s own.
As to getting outside verification, Superstars are famous for paying off their debts with vague promises and lots of ego massages. The massages feel very good, so it may be helpful to check with other people to make sure you’re getting substance rather than ambience.
Value the little people and listen to them. Also, help them understand what they have to do to be big people. This is especially important at work, where the temptation to emulate Superstars, rather than learning from their mistakes, will be strong.
For all their talents, Superstars are terrible at being team players or coaches of effective teams. In Superstar organizations, the word teamwork gets batted around like a softball at the company picnic, but the real emphasis is on individual incentives for top players. The star system, of course, cancels out any motivation to work as a team.
Superstars can talk the talk. They’ve read all the books, and they know all the buzzwords, but they’re the guys who invented not walking the walk.
The most important battle to win is the one for Superstars’ respect. You won’t get respect because you deserve it, or because of your own talents and achievements. No matter what Superstars say, they will always believe that they are better than you are. The only way to win respect from Superstars is by driving a hard bargain. If you hang around with these vampires, you have to show them that you’re capable of playing in their league. If you don’t constantly demonstrate that you’re as tough as they are, they’ll just take whatever they want from you and never give anything back at all.
With Superstars, there are some battles you don’t want to win. Actually, these are battles you can appear to win, but in fact lose. To get you off their case, Superstars may tell you what you want to hear even though they don’t actually feel it. The price for this kind of false deference is their respect.
Superstars never feel wrong, they never feel gratitude, they don’t believe other people are entitled to the same rights and privileges as they are, and they seldom see other people’s actions as worthy of spontaneous praise. If you demand any of these indulgences, Superstars will speak whatever words you want to hear and never again give you anything more than lip service. Superstars will formally acknowledge your worthiness at the price of genuine regard. In public, they will say whatever you deem to be politically correct, and laugh in private at your presumptuousness. If they praise you, either they’re trying to sneak up on your Narcissistic side or they’re indicating that you are one of the little people who needs occasional doses of praise to keep going, much as a car has to be filled with gas.
Be very careful what you ask of Superstars. They’re famous for taking the best of what people have and giving back only hollow words, worth less than nothing. It’s always up to you to know the difference between inconsequential trinkets and tokens of real respect.
The most meaningful contingency with Superstars is the transaction. To keep from being sucked dry by these vampires, you must always think of yourself as a commodity, because that’s the way they think of you. To survive with Superstars, you have to know what they want from you and what you want in return. Then you have to negotiate to get the best price you can. Superstars have absolutely no sense of fairness. If they want something, however, they will generally pay the price, provided it is demanded up front. Don’t extend credit.
To negotiate a good price, you have to know what Superstars value. At the top of the list is whatever will make them look good. This can be anything from an impressive bottom line and employees who can do a bang-up job without much supervision, to trophy wives and fancy cars. Narcissistic supplies come in all shapes and sizes.
Next on these vampires’ wish list is adoration. With Superstars, you just can’t suck up too much. If you’re selling an idea to Superstars, do it quickly. Always cut to the chase, and tell them what’s in it for them if they give you what you want. Forget about snow jobs; Superstars are not easily fooled. Always do your homework. You can bet that the Superstars have done theirs.
The chance to make money is always a good bargaining chip. Sex might be worth something, if you’re attractive and play hard to get. Superstars also like challenges and interesting company that stimulates their minds. They love a good argument, but you probably won’t be able to convince them of anything they don’t already believe. It’s fine to try, so long as you don’t resort to moralism to make your point. Superstars fall asleep during sermons.
Superstars expect loyalty, so they’re usually not willing to pay much for it. They will, however, spend quite a bit of money and effort to get back at somebody they think has betrayed them.
What Narcissistic Superstars don’t value at all is being fair to others, or being seen as nice. They pride themselves on not suffering fools gladly, and they destroy those who try to embarrass them.
What Superstars hate most is whining, unless they’re the ones doing it. They absolutely do not care about the trials and tribulations of your life. They may take them on as a problem to solve, but they will never just listen quietly and sympathize.
No matter what they pretend to be, on the inside, Superstars are tough and cynical. If you can’t be as tough as they are, stay away from them. They’ll eat you alive.
Superstars are even more sensitive to disapproval than Legends. It might be a good idea to review the section on how to criticize Narcissists in Chapter 17.
The words you should pay most attention to are the ones in your sales pitches. If you think that dealing effectively with Superstars is a lot like door-to-door sales, you’re doing it right. Your most important products are yourself and your ideas.
Superstars regularly throw tantrums when other people make life difficult for them. They demand competence and severely punish tiny mistakes. It helps to get outside verification to decide whether the vampires actually have a point or are merely trying to manipulate you. If they’re trying to manipulate you, stand up to them directly or lodge a formal complaint. If you try to get back at them in sneaky ways, you’ll be the one who gets hurt. Don’t call what Narcissists do abuse or harassment until you’ve checked with your attorney.
Superstars also throw another kind of tantrum that is quieter, but far more destructive. They use their power to frighten people into letting them have everything their own way. Over time, they make their worlds over in their own image.
Business is the Superstars’ world; it bears their marks everywhere. In the darkness beneath their towering shadows, there can be no dreams greater than personal glory and this quarter’s bottom line.
The numbers say business is prospering, yet in cubicles and on production floors, times are always hard and the lives of little people are cheap.
If you want to be successful with Superstars, you have to compete in their league and play by their rules. If you do, however, there is a very real danger that you will become like them. With their bites, Superstars create more new vampires than do all the other vampire types combined. Don’t enter their world unless you know how to get out. Many have been lost.