OUR DESIRE TO FIND SOMEONE WITH WHOM TO SHARE OUR LIVES bonds all of us together. Yet often, we approach this task passively and haphazardly, leaving it to fate or chance. Many of us spend years wishing and hoping for the loves of our lives to come knocking. Wouldn’t it be great if you could snap your fingers and s/he would arrive on the scene?
I, too, wish that could be true, but consider the following: Anything really important in life takes time, work, perseverance, and resilience. For most of us, finding love is a process. Flirting makes that journey fun, exciting, and challenging.
What is flirting exactly? It’s a series of nonverbal and verbal actions we do when expressing our interest in or attraction to another person. Flirting is playful, nonthreatening, and sometimes subconscious. It’s about displaying and reading body language.
Know how to flirt, and you can meet people ordinarily too terrifying to approach. Through flirting, you get to express yourself in inventive and ingenious ways, create a stimulating environment, and set the stage for romantic interest. Not only is it exhilarating for the flirter, but it’s also a real ego boost for the flirtee. When you flirt, you feel energized and confident—feelings that become your love building blocks, the foundation for your journey.
Where may your journey take you? It can take you anywhere! A flirtatious encounter could, for example, lead to a shared interest, friendship, professional connection, romance, relationship, marriage, or one-time encounter you will remember forever. No matter the outcome, a sense of magic surrounds flirtation.
Though flirting can be splendid, it can also be downright scary! Let’s start by addressing our fears and working past them. I guarantee it will be worth it.
Do you ever get sweaty palms, dry mouth, a pit in your stomach, or anxiety before you approach a cute guy or gal at a party? Do you obsess over questions such as these:
• Should I walk over?
• What should I say? What should I not say?
• Should I try to make eye contact?
• Will s/he blow me off?
• What if I don’t end up liking him/her?
• What if s/he doesn’t like me?
Fear can be debilitating. It prevents you from taking risks that could help you attain what you want. Remember, we are all afraid. When I ask workshop participants to raise their hands if they fear rejection, typically about 99 percent of students do.
FLIRTING TIP: TURN YOUR FAUX-PAS INTO COMEDY
If you are one of these individuals—and trust me, we all are—take a deep breath and tell yourself the following:
• If I do nothing, I get nothing.
• Trying will make me feel good. I took a risk.
• S/He could be the one for me.
• Even if s/he is not interested, I will be able to exit gracefully.
Remembering these axioms will reduce your anxiety and increase your opportunity for success. If the person you approach doesn’t reciprocate your flirtatious gesture, you will depart subtly. This will be easy because your approach was light and non-threatening (we’ll get into how to do this in later chapters).
Flirting is a sensational way to connect with someone, and it allows you to be playful and casual without a heavy come-on.
You will miss many opportunities if you stick to the sideline, waiting for it to happen. It doesn’t happen on its own. You have to go after it.
What is it? It could be the man or woman of your dreams, the highlight of your day, a new business contact, or the knowledge that the best sushi in town is down the block. Whatever it is, it can’t happen if roadblocks—excuses you cling to for fear of stepping outside of your comfort zone—get in your way.
Look at the following chart. The first column lists potential flirting roadblocks that put you in a safe, cozy, comfortable zone. It feels good to be there, right? But it’s not, really. These myths give you false security because they steer you away from what you want. They keep you stuck in a flirting rut. The red-hot statements, on the other hand, put you on a surefire path to flirting success. They keep your mind and heart open to any situation.
| From the Sidelines to the Flirting Fast Lane | |
| Ice-cold Pessimism | Red-hot Optimism |
| Safe is better than sorry. | Taking a risk brings me great things. |
| I should avoid talking to strangers. | A stranger today may be a wife or husband tomorrow. |
| If I wait long enough, good things will happen. | Make good things happen. |
| Women who approach men are needy. | Women who approach men are confident. |
| Men who approach women only want one thing. | Men who approach women do want one thing–to make a meaningful connection. |
| Singles events are the only places to flirt. | Fabulous flirts flirt everywhere. |
| It’s a waste of time to attend a party where I know only the host. | Parties full of people I don’t know are my flirting paradise. |
| Dining alone screams “loser.” | Dining alone is a great way to meet someone. |
| I shouldn’t talk to someone I don’t know until I am introduced. | The quicker I introduce myself, the more funI will have. |
When it comes to walking on wet floors, looking both ways before you cross the street, or washing your hands, sure, safe is better than sorry. But this isn’t true when it comes to breaking out of your inhibition zone.
Starting a conversation at the deli counter, asking someone for his/her phone number, or going to a wine-tasting class alone keeps you from looking back at your life and saying, “If only I had done it differently…” I know it’s not easy, but the more you go down the “scary road,” the easier it becomes—and the more you enrich your social life!
Parents should certainly teach their small children this lesson. But for adults, talking to strangers can be great. You can practice your flirting skills and evaluate reactions. Think about some of your routine activities—food shopping, waiting in lines, sitting on the bus, browsing in a store, walking, traveling, and so on. Couldn’t all of these situations benefit from a little conversation?
Talking to strangers is crucial to your flirting journey. What is the easiest conversation topic? It is what’s going on around you. Practice this and it will become easy.
Who said that anyway? And how long is long enough? What a cop out this is!
Believing in this roadblock will give you false hope and will increase your chances of disappointment and sadness. Stop waiting! Make a plan, try something new, and take ownership of your life. It will feel so gratifying.
Imagine that you are the woman in the photo, who frequently crosses paths with a fellow runner she finds attractive. Instead of passively passing him by each week, make a plan to get his attention. Smile the next time you see him, quickly compliment him on his pace, or ask if he’s training for a marathon. Often times we only get a single chance to meet someone who “happens to be running by us.”
Quite the contrary is true. Women who approach men go after what they want and don’t wait for Mr. Right to come to them (which, as we learned in the previous roadblock statement, doesn’t work).
Men love when women approach them. I’ve heard this from hundreds of men of all ages. Not only is it an ego boost, but it’s also oh-so-flattering. They only have one complaint. They wish women did it more frequently.
I know what you are saying—“I want him to come to me. Then I’ll know that he likes me”—but does it really matter who approached whom? Why not give it a try? I have a feeling you’ll be pleasantly surprised.
“MAKE A PLAN, TRY SOMETHING NEW, AND TAKE OWNERSHIP OF YOUR LIFE. IT WILL FEEL SO GRATIFYING.”
That is so right! But it’s not what you think. Men want the same thing women do—to be liked and to make a meaningful connection.
Like women, men struggle with when and how to approach flirting interests, but they know the credo “Nothing ventured, nothing gained.” Still, it is just as nerve-racking for men to approach women as it is for women to approach men. Ladies, give that brave guy a chance. He earned it.
(Yes, there will be guys who approach women for sex only, but that is not flirting—that’s hitting on someone. And ladies, if this happens, simply say, “No thanks” and move away).
WHAT EVERY FLIRT SHOULD KNOW
Sure, singles events are great places to flirt, but don’t limit yourself. Flirt anywhere and everywhere. The more you flirt, the better your chances for success. Sure, singles events are great places to flirt, but don’t limit yourself. The more you flirt, the better your chances for success. And when the stakes are low (you are flirting for the enjoyment of it), the outcome can be serendipitous.
Take your high school reunion, for example. You may think it will only be fun for those popular in high school. Think again. High school reunions are great flirting grounds, as well as opportunities to reconnect with old friends, make new ones, and see what develops.
We often shy away from events where we feel we won’t measure up to the other invited guests. Know that this fear comes from insecurity and not the situation’s reality. You will come up with 101 reasons not to go, but none of them justifies missing a great opportunity to flirt with old—and new—flames.
“THE MORE YOU FLIRT, THE BETTER YOUR CHANCES
FOR SUCCESS.”
Attending a party where you only know one or two individuals is an incredible opportunity to meet and connect with new people. It gives you a chance to spread your wings. Take control of having fun!
You can accomplish this by changing your behavior from less of a guest to more of a host. Acting in a host-like manner will make it easier for you to talk to strangers. Try asking the following questions: “Have you tried the specialty drink?” or “Would you like my seat so you can eat? I know seats are scarce.” or “You look cold . . . would you like to wear my jacket?” You’ll come across as observant and interested in others’ well-being.
Don’t turn down invitations to parties where you don’t know many guests. Instead, arrive early to be part of the welcoming committee. That way, you’ll have more time to get comfortable, feel out the vibe, and get to know people at a relaxed pace.
Dining alone is an enticement to flirt with those around you. Remember, it takes confidence to eat alone. It also says that you may desire a dining companion.
When dining alone, try the following tips:
• Propose to another lone diner that you eat together, particularly if there is a wait for tables. Tell your potential companion it will shorten the wait time.
• Comment to a flirting interest about the dish that s/he is eating. Say, “That looks really tasty. How is it?”
• Ask a flirting interest—maybe that cute waiter or waitress—to recommend something from the menu.
• Bring a book or magazine in case you feel uncomfortable. Props such as these (see page 182) make it easier for others to approach you. It provides a ready-made conversation topic. (“How is that book? I just picked up a copy yesterday.”)
What are you waiting for? Are you waiting for someone else to talk to that woman who you would like to meet, or for that man who’s had his eye on you all night to make the first move? You could wait forever.
Wallflowers wallow, but flirters flourish. Be your own master of ceremonies and go for it. Put on a smile, stand up straight, extend your hand, and introduce yourself. This could be your flirting break! Take control of your social life. Nobody else will. You owe it to yourself.
If you ask me, there’s no reason not to flirt. Flirting is like warm chocolate chip cookies for the soul. It will sweeten your day, warm your heart, fuel your body, and put a smile on your face. It will turn boring, dull, stale conversations—or no conversation at all—into awe-inspiring, rousing discourse. Flirting will strengthen and rejuvenate your relationships. People will flock to you because you make them feel fabulous.
Think of flirting as a way to transform meeting new people into instant adventure, friendship, fun, and romance, and as a way to turn ordinary into unforgettable.
If you understand the goals of flirting, you’ll become a flirting pro in no time. Stay on course, have fun, and always remember that playing by the goals will bring you success.
You want to make the other person feel special, cared about, important, and valued. Don’t showcase yourself by doing all of the talking or trying to impress. Instead, focus on your flirting interest, letting him/her shine. (This also minimizes disappointment if your flirting interest does not reciprocate, as your goal was to simply make someone else feel special.) Once you have mastered that, you will experience the rewards of flirting.
Say what? Isn’t the end goal to get a date or some digits?
No, it’s not. I know it sounds crazy. In fact, when I tell my flirting students what I just told you, their jaws often drop. Some look ready to head for the door and demand their money back! But if you follow my advice, you will, in all likelihood, increase your chances astronomically of getting both—later.
TOP TEN REASONS TO FLIRT
I know this sounds contradictory, but consider the following argument: The best flirting is spontaneous and focuses on the moment. The minute you focus on the future—phone number, date, and so on—you increase your anxiety level, you start to listen less and talk more, and your flirting ability diminishes, thereby lowering your chances of actually getting a date.
Trust me on this one. Thousands of flirting students agree that as much as they want that date, to get the most benefit, they have to stay in the moment and truly enjoy the process.
Flirting is a two-way pastime. Whether or not you return the flirting serve, it feels good to know that someone finds you attractive. Let the electricity grow as you flirt back and forth. Pay attention to the comfort level and interest of your flirting partner to guide your game. If you get the go-ahead, continue playing. If you try too hard and the ball is never in your court, pick up your racket and play with someone else.
Practice is important. Think of flirting as a sport. You would not expect to be a good tennis player, golfer, runner, ice skater, swimmer, or cyclist if you did not practice! Flirting—like any other sport—can be learned, tweaked, perfected, and customized until it feels natural.
Have you ever wondered about the single most important factor in being a fabulous flirt? Is it being drop-dead gorgeous, having a perfect body, or being a natural-born comedian? Is it having a little of each?
No, it’s not any of these things. The number one flirting ingredient is confidence. Amazing flirts unequivocally believe they are worth getting to know. They have little fear about being rejected and make flirting look effortless. Confidence is a huge turn-on.
FIVE GREAT CONFIDENCE BOOSTERS
If you lack confidence, does it mean you are destined for flirting failure? Not at all! Here’s an easy, four-step process I created to boost anyone’s confidence.
When you look good, you feel good; when you look great, you feel great. Consider your appearance an investment in your flirting future.
Take a good look in the mirror. What can you do now to improve your look (forget about plastic surgery or losing weight overnight)? Ask a caring friend for some advice.
The following tips can help all of us:
• Fix that posture! Stand up straight with your shoulders back and your head held high. Don’t look like a statue, but pay attention to how you carry yourself.
• Find glasses (if you wear them) that compliment your face. Avoid wearing sunglasses when flirting so your flirting interest can see your eyes.
• Make sure you are well-rested and well-groomed.
TIPS FOR THE WELL-GROOMED GUY
TIPS FOR THE WELL-GROOMED GAL
Feeling confident and acting it are very different. Self-esteem is how you feel inside; self-confidence is how you present yourself to the world. Even if your self-esteem is a three or four on a scale of one to ten, rise above it and act as if it’s a ten.
In other words, fake it until you make it. If you act like the most confident, self-assured person on the planet, others will respond to you more frequently and positively. This will, in turn, boost your self-esteem. Fake it enough, and your confidence may actually improve.
Practice in a mirror, or even better, practice in front of others. Role-play how you would act if you owned the room. By doing this, you become aware of which behaviors exude confidence.
Try these confident behaviors:
• Good posture
• Good eye contact
• Genuine smile
• Good listening
• Enthusiasm
• Open body language
• Poise
• Charm
• Warmth
FLIRTING TIP: PRACTICE A NEW CONFIDENT BEHAVIOR EACH DAY FOR A WEEK!
Flirting combines chutzpah (pronounced HOOT-spuh) and charm.
Chutzpah often describes someone nervy and bold who isn’t afraid to take risks. A dose of chutzpah gives you the confidence and permission to make the first move, start a conversation, test the waters, or break out of your comfort zone. Chutzpah also acts as a pick-me-up when your flirting interest says no thanks. Even if you don’t think you have chutzpah, pretend you do. Again, fake it until you make it!
Charm combines charisma, warmth, and authenticity. Display charm, and you will draw people toward you, put them at ease, and make them feel welcome in your presence. They will want to hang out around you.
To be charming, do the following:
• Look your best.
• Accept compliments gracefully.
• Remember people’s names.
• Give your flirting interest your undivided attention.
• Be empathetic.
• Dish out compliments freely and honestly.
The chemical reaction of chutzpah and charm transforms a shy, timid, withdrawn person into a confident, natural flirt. Consider this winning combination your secret flirting weapon. And remember that the more you use it, the better your flirting repertoire will be.
Flirting is less about what you say and more about the energy you create with your flirting interest. Playful banter, intense eye contact, curiosity, and undivided attention will create stimulating and exciting flirting energy.
To do this, focus on the other person and do whatever you can to make him/her feel special. Block out the rest of the world to establish a bond between you. This tempting energy will not only boost your confidence, but it will make your flirting interest yours before you know it.
That means you! Regardless of age, background, or situation, everybody flirts (some better than others!), and it makes us all feel good. Flirting is simply about being comfortable in your own skin.
We all come to the flirting field with our battle scars (our unique life experiences), but flirting can work for boomers, divorcées, widows, shy people—anyone. At any stage of life, turn your lemons into lemonade. You can’t change the past, but you can make today a flirting sensation.
Apprehension about flirting is so common. Almost everyone fears the rejection, even if just a little. But it does little good to worry about it, so why not focus on how to overcome it? Feeling well-equipped will lessen the doubts. Here are some tips to minimize trepidation and make flirting easier:
• Tell yourself that flirting is merely being friendly.
• Rehearse opening lines you can use and reuse (see page 154 for examples).
• Watch the news or read the newspaper so you can sound in-the-know about world events.
• Rehearse open-ended questions that you can adapt to a variety of situations. My favorites including asking someone about his/her free time, name (if it’s unique), or greatest desires if money were no object.
• Don’t be afraid to tell your flirting interest that you are a bit nervous about making the first move. It could be a great ice breaker.
• Take mini flirting steps. Tell yourself that you will flirt at least once a week, or you will flirt whenever you are waiting in line or at the bus stop and see someone who seems interesting.
The best way to overcome the fear of flirting is to take a risk and flirt. By doing so, you will decrease your anxiety and increase your opportunity to be successful. Think of it as just being sociable, outgoing, and good company.
Many young women believe they should not have to flirt, incorrectly assuming that men “just know” they are single and interested. “I shouldn’t have to work hard at meeting a guy,” I hear them say. “I am young, attractive, and have a good personality. I just feel funny flirting. It’s not me.”
Here’s my advice: Guys aren’t mind-readers and need signs from you showing it is okay to walk over to you, talk to you, and possibly ask for your phone number. Your “signs” don’t have to take you too far outside of your comfort zone either—try making eye contact or giving a small smile.
Although you may feel embarrassed, focus on having a good time, complimenting, and not worrying about the outcome. Think of flirting as your free ticket to meeting a really nice guy.
Whether you were married for four years or forty, divorce scars the psyche and can turn your life upside down, cause you to doubt yourself, and leave you feeling hurt, angry, lonely, cheated, worthless, or all of the above. You may feel out of place in a couples’ world and will have to make new single friends.
Flirting can act as a baby step in the right direction, helping you practice connecting with others and boosting your self-esteem. The more positive results you get, the more you’ll want to flirt. It may feel awkward and strange initially, but if you persevere, it will surely become enjoyable and rewarding.
After the death of a spouse—when you’re ready, of course—flirting is a way to connect with those around you and bring new people into your life. Because loss of a spouse can also mean losing your social circle, flirting helps fill the void and helps you start anew. Remember, widowhood only defines you if you allow it to.
When flirting with a stranger, remember s/he is flirting with you, not your marital status. Let flirting lift your spirits, distract you from your grief, and add some joy to your life.
College is exciting, adventurous, and overwhelming at once. Everything is new and different and you have to make new friends. Your best friend attends a school three states away, your other friends are scattered across the country, and your family is no longer at your disposal.
Use flirting to acclimate to your new life away from home. Other students like yourself will be so happy you made the first move that you’ll get much attention in return. You have so many places to flirt, too: in class, in the dorm, at the local hot spots, at student activities and parties, in the library, at the student center, online, and so on.
Do you have a medical condition or disability that makes you feel self-conscious about flirting? If so, remember that you are a person with an illness—you are not the illness.
When flirting, try not to talk about your illness or disability during your initial encounter, just like you would avoid subjects such as your ex-spouse, how much money you make, how much debt you owe, or any other personal topics. If your disability is visible and your flirting interest asks, talk about it briefly, but don’t let it dominate the conversation. Remember that you have much to offer and that your condition is only a piece of you. Remind others of the same.
Everyone comes to relationships with limitations. Remember that your attitude says the most about you—let the real you shine through, and everything else will take a back seat.
Most Baby Boomers have been in at least one long-term relationship and bring age and experience to the flirting table. This is a major plus!
Think of flirting as a fun, care-free activity and as a way to bring companionship and friendship into your life. Flirting can lead to all sort of activities: going out to dinner or to a movie; finding a traveling companion, tennis partner, or date; or starting a new chapter in your life. Devote some time each day to flirting. You won’t regret it!
