Our partner is doing something (e.g. cooking or putting together some flat-pack furniture) and they snap at us impatiently for getting in the way when we try to help.Relationships and oversensitivity
It is not uncommon for those who struggle with anxiety and worry to also be empathetic and sensitive in their dealings with others. Being sensitive can be a wonderful thing, as we can be very much in tune with the emotions of others and sufficiently in touch with our own feelings to be able to offer real listening and support to those we are close to. Others may turn to us when they are struggling and our partner can find our willingness and ability to be there for them a source of real comfort.
It’s when we are oversensitive that difficulties can arise in relationships. A partner can often find themselves walking on eggshells around us, choosing their words carefully or holding off altogether from saying things that bother them for fear that it will lead to an overreaction or a closing down of communication. It can be exasperating to live this way, especially if a lovely day or time spent together is ruined in the blink of an eye because of what might seem like an overreaction to the smallest of things.
From our side of the fence, it can be a painful experience to feel criticised constantly, let down or judged. If we are oversensitive, we may feel we are continually at the mercy of our emotions and the whims of the other person, who can hurt us with a throwaway comment, a sigh or an uninterested look. We may read meaning into actions where no such meaning exists and interpret any remark as criticism, regardless of our knowledge of the actual intention. This way of being can play on our nerves and further ramp up our anxieties about the relationship and the future.
So, there are two difficult questions that it’s important to look at. Firstly, how do you know if it is you who is oversensitive or if your partner is being too harsh or critical? Secondly, if you conclude that you are the one being too sensitive, what can you do about it?
Is it them or me?
This can be a tough one. We might be fully aware that we tend to overreact to things or, equally, we may not recognise this in ourselves at all. If we are oversensitive and it is not something we are aware of, it may be a way of reacting we have had all our lives and so we do not see it as a problem or understand how we could be any different.
Perhaps we had overcritical parents and this way of being is a natural response to our upbringing. If we grew up in an environment where criticism was ever-present, we may have become accustomed to hearing criticism in everything. Or perhaps it was an environment where putdowns were dressed up as humour and nothing was said directly, but only ever implied, so, as adults, we find we are often stung by jokes that were not intended to hurt. Maybe when we were growing up, we experienced being let down continually and so any hint of someone not coming through for us now leaves us upset and wanting to withdraw. In one sense, it doesn’t really matter what the cause is or was, what matters now is that if we are constantly looking for ways to be hurt, we may find them in the most innocuous of situations.
There are certainly people out there who are overly critical, constantly putting others down and being quite manipulative in how they try to control the narrative around who is misinterpreting what. Maybe we are even attracted to people who are critical or who are harsh in their reactions because, at an unconscious level, this may feel somehow more familiar and comfortable to us because of our experiences early in life.
When we are attempting to manage anxiety and change the way we engage with our fears, it is important to be able to step back and think about things a little more objectively. We can start by asking ourselves some key questions. Do I tend to hear criticism a lot in the relationship or does my partner think I am oversensitive? Do I trust them to be truthful with this assertion? Is there a recurring theme here – have I heard the same things from other partners or friends before? If we feel we react badly to what others say or do more than other people we know or we are regularly upset by what people say, there may be a case to be made for our being oversensitive.
It might be a good idea to reach out to a trusted friend at this time if necessary. Can they shed any light on this for us? Do they see us as oversensitive? Do we tend to take a lot of things personally? We may have to let them in on what we are trying to figure out and assure them that we will not take their answer personally because if we actually are oversensitive, our friends may not be keen to tell us uncomfortable truths!
So, after this analysis, you might discover that, yes indeed, you can be oversensitive at times. If it is very difficult to know whether it is you or your partner, maybe you can work on oversensitivity anyway. If you are constantly reacting to your partner in a way that makes you anxious or upset, it might be worth a go. In any case, it will certainly not be a waste of time to make yourself more robust in the face of the actions and comments of other people.
What now?
Like everything that involves change at a non-surface level, the next steps will be a process. There may be much learning from experience involved. We will not just stop being too sensitive overnight, as we have no doubt been this way for a long time. It will be about making small adjustments, seeing how they work, allowing it to be uncomfortable, pushing through, making more changes, facing fears, stepping back and going over the same ground again.
Compassion, curiosity and patience will be important components as you try to unpick what is really going on for you. If you can bring your partner on board with the plan, then that would be wonderful, but it is not vital. If they know that you are going to be trying to deal with oversensitivity and that you need some understanding and patience in this time, it would be helpful – but you can also do this work without their participation or awareness of what you are doing.
Over the next while, observe your interactions with your partner and keep track of the occasions when you reacted in a manner that could be deemed oversensitive. When you identify the triggers, you can do an exercise on why you reacted so strongly to them:
Take out a pen and paper – or you can also just do this exercise mentally. Say, for example, it is perceived criticism that sets you off. Where do your thoughts go when you think of being criticised or put down? What thoughts or images come to mind? We can often feel as if we are being told off and are left feeling childlike. We may also identify feelings of anger or humiliation in ourselves. Do you feel shame when you are wrong or make a mistake? Why are you so averse to criticism and so ready to react? Do you associate it with unfairness or injustice?
How about the feeling of being let down by someone – what does being let down mean to you? Does it bring up strong emotions? Does it mean anything about the relationship with that person or the future? Maybe it feeds into an assumption you have that others will always let you down. If we are looking out for this, we are likely to find it where it may not have been intended. Does it say anything to you about yourself? Do you believe you are worth being there for?
If we are driven by a need to be needed, then any sign to the contrary will fill us with a fear that we are no longer valued. If we struggle with our own self-worth, every sigh or unimpressed look stokes a fear that others see us as unimportant. If we have a fear of being left alone, then every small perceived rejection will be amplified. How about a fear of being controlled or of being dependent, a fear of being seen as useless? Whatever we find, it’s important to know that we may be acting from this place and not taking the situation in front of us at face value.
When we identify the kinds of situation we tend to take too personally, we can then take note of what form our reaction takes. Do we go into ourselves and sulk or do we explode and shout and argue? Or maybe we react in a different way. Maybe it’s immediately obvious to us or maybe we have to look out for it over the days afterwards, really paying attention to how we are feeling and acting.
When we know what we are looking for and we know how we react, we can go about the task of challenging some of the thinking that is driving the oversensitivity. In the early stages of this process, we will be doing most of the cognitive work after the event, as it will probably be too difficult, initially anyway, to do this work in the midst of a strong emotional response to something that was said or done.
Here we are going to need a Thought Record (see page 98) and take a look at a situation after it has occurred. There can be any number of situations that kick off our reaction; below are a few examples of potential triggers:
Our partner is doing something (e.g. cooking or putting together some flat-pack furniture) and they snap at us impatiently for getting in the way when we try to help.
While we are telling them how to do something, our partner seems uninterested or distracted.
Our partner points out something about us that bothers them.
We spend a couple of hours cleaning the apartment. When our partner comes in, they jokingly point out something we missed.
When we ask them to do something for us or to help us with something, they sigh audibly.
Our partner makes a joke about something we are wearing.
We show affection to our partner and they seem to ignore it.
We have plans to meet up with our partner but they cancel because their friends have just got into town.
You might look at the above list and think, Yes, the partner in question is being kind of annoying in all those instances. The important issue though is that when something like this happens for us are we able to point out that we’re a bit irritated and move on – or does the incident become something much bigger than it needs to be?
If we are too sensitive, we’ll likely have one of two responses. Either we’ll withdraw into ourselves and sulk for a period of time, ruminating on the horrible thing that was said or done and not knowing how to get out of our mood, forcing our partner to come to us and make things OK. Or we’ll explode and shout at our partner, leaving them in a place where they have to react and ask themselves how we got to here from such an innocuous event.
After an event that we decide we have reacted too strongly to, a good time to sit down and run the situation in question through a Thought Record is whilst the feelings are still strong. Let’s take the example from the trigger list, where we have spent time cleaning the apartment, and our partner jokingly points out something we missed.
THOUGHT RECORD
THE SITUATION
Partner jokingly pointed out something I missed after my clean-up.
MY EMOTIONS
Hurt: 70%, Upset: 60%, Annoyed: 50%, Frustrated: 50%
MY THOUGHTS
I can’t believe they had the nerve to point that out, after I gave up the afternoon to clean the place.
I do so much for them and they don’t even notice.
They never appreciate anything I do. They always criticise me.
I give so much in this relationship and don’t get half as much back.
I never criticise anything they do.
I always try to be so supportive, I wish they could give me the same support back.
I shouldn’t have bothered – they don’t even care.
I wish they could see how hurtful they are being.
EVIDENCE FOR MY THOUGHTS
They quite often don’t notice everything I do around the apartment.
They can say things quite absentmindedly at times.
They can often say hurtful things.
I am always putting them first and doing my best.
EVIDENCE AGAINST MY THOUGHTS
I realise I do a lot to please them that they might not even know I do.
I never tell them about all I have done, I just expect them to notice and praise me.
Maybe I do more than they do, but it could be just a habit we have fallen into.
It’s true I never criticise them, but I do need to talk more because if I don’t, I can end up being punishing in other ways – whether that be through silence or smart remarks.
They do care, it just doesn’t seem like it in the moment.
They probably don’t know it hurts so much because I never tell them.
BALANCED THOUGHTS
What they said was annoying, but they probably didn’t know I was working all afternoon – and maybe they were just trying to help. If it bothers me so much and it happens again, I might have to say something rather than bottle it up. Maybe we need to have a talk about the splitting up of the chores, as I seem to do much more and this needs to change.
MY EMOTIONS
Hurt: 50%, Upset: 50%, Annoyed: 30%, Frustrated: 20%
As we pointed out before, we will not get rid of the feelings entirely, but we can try to reduce them to a more manageable state.
We will probably have to go through the process a number of times – i.e. do a Thought Record to try and get a handle on our thoughts and finding some balance and perspective. When we have more experience, we can begin to integrate this way of looking at things into our way of thinking. The idea is that we catch our overreactions earlier and earlier each time, forcing ourselves more quickly out of our post-event rumination and into a more appropriate response. If we feel we need to apologise afterwards to the other person for our reaction, then so be it. If a conversation is needed about the other person’s behaviour, then that is something we can also do. With enough practice and experience, it will get to the stage where we can snap ourselves out of the reaction quite quickly after the event.
Allow this to be a slow process, as it is difficult. We can bring in some defusion (see page 108) from the thoughts, with some compassion and curiosity: ‘Ah, here’s the I’ve-been-let-down-story again. Wow, it’s mad how strong this feeling is for me, it totally took control there for a few minutes.’ After we manage to separate ourselves from the thoughts, we can then step out of our heads again, and resume the interaction with our partner.
People-pleasing in a relationship
In Chapter 8 (Anxiety in the Workplace – Part Two), we examined the role people-pleasing has in fuelling anxiety in the workplace. Within a relationship, this tendency can manifest itself in similar ways, but it can have even deeper ramifications when the focus of our attention is just one person.
Many of my clients have been struggling with an overriding need to put others before themselves. They continually give of themselves, expecting nothing in return. Choices they make will always be with the other in mind. They may sacrifice time with friends and family to always be there for their partner, even when it is not something their partner requires or expects.
There can be huge guilt associated with putting ourselves first.
Let’s think about that for a minute …
Guilt usually comes about when we know we have done something wrong. For some people, choosing their own needs over those of others can bring up such negative feelings that they feel as if it is morally wrong. Related to this is the belief that putting others first is the right thing to do and that this makes us a ‘good’ person. We can also have a fear that if we do not give people what we think they want, they could become angry or reject us – so we give up our own needs to appease the other person. This can quickly turn into letting the other person control us, as we will do anything to stave off anger or rejection.
Whilst it is true that an amount of selflessness, especially in a relationship, can be a good thing, there is certainly a balance to be struck. Unfortunately, when it comes to people-pleasers, balance in this area can be in short supply. If we are too agreeable and over-empathise with other people’s emotions, we are likely to want to protect and take care of our loved ones, regardless of whether they need protecting or not. We may feel unable to tolerate the pain of others or the guilt that comes when we are not tending to their needs.
There are many ways this tendency to people-please can play out with a partner. In the early stages of a relationship, for example, we may be much more concerned with what the other person thinks of us, rather than whether they are a suitable partner. We throw ourselves headlong into the relationship, eager to win affection and gain approval – often ignoring signs that they may not be right for us. The other person may be bowled over by our attention and commitment, as we feed off the glow of their acceptance and burgeoning love. Of course, it is not uncommon at the beginning of any relationship to want to put the other person first, but this is the default position for the people-pleaser, even after the initial stages.
The end of the honeymoon period can be particularly difficult for the people-pleaser, as conflict, in some shape or form, inevitably begins to materialise. In the ongoing negotiation that follows, if we are more concerned about the needs of the other person, then any vision of a joint future will be heavily skewed in one direction. This may seem fine, and even preferable, if the other person’s needs are our sole focus, but it is not a solid foundation for a long-term relationship where both partners are supported, engaged, challenged, fulfilled and equal.
Whether we feel our needs are important or not, we still have needs, and if they are never being fulfilled, we can end up feeling resentful and trapped. If we do not value our needs, then it is unlikely that anybody else will. If we do not know what they are, it is unlikely anyone else will figure that out for us. So, our needs go unmet and we begin to feel aggrieved about constantly giving everything of ourselves and leaving so much unsaid. But how do we get our message across, if our main aim is to please? We can – and do – repress or deny our emotions, but where do they go?
Over and above this, our partner may possibly be looking for more from a relationship than constant acquiescence – ‘I don’t mind, I’m happy to do what you want.’ Making all the decisions can be tiring and sometimes our partner may just want us to pick the damn restaurant for once. Perhaps sometimes they want us to argue back when they are angry or not let them walk all over us. Although some people might find a certain satisfaction in continual dominance, many others may well prefer someone they can respect!
What we do is well-meaning and ultimately all we want is to be loved, but at the heart of it all is a belief that we have to be unselfish in order to get that love. We can often focus on constantly doing for others in order to get the payback of feeling needed. We can become over-involved in other people’s lives and feel resentment when our partner wants to do things on their own. We may then resort to manipulation to get our emotional needs met, and have unrealistic expectations about what others should do for us. Expectations that are never voiced, of course. All of this can be very difficult for our partner to deal with.
What if our partner is not good for us and it would be in our best interests to leave the relationship? If our goal is to do anything to please, then as soon as the other person is not happy, we may have a problem. If we are with someone who takes advantage of our appeasing ways, and begins to try to control us or put us down, this can leave us feeling trapped and helpless.
If we cannot live with the guilt of telling someone we do not want to be with them anymore or we fear the repercussions, we may subconsciously decide to just put our heads down and accept our lot. ‘It doesn’t matter if they are controlling and put me down – they probably have their reasons. Maybe if I double my efforts to please them, I could turn this around and make them happy. Maybe this is all I deserve?’
It is this belief, that we are somehow not worthy of better or that others will leave us if we do not always put them first, that can cause us so much difficulty.
Turning the focus around
Relationships and emotions are difficult to navigate, so we need to know when we are making life harder than it needs to be. It’s not easy to admit we are people-pleasers, and it’s difficult to turn around a habit of a lifetime, but there are ways to start. We may need to work on our sense of worth and practise getting in touch with our own needs. We may also need to have an honest, hard look at why we do the things we do, whilst challenging some of our long-ingrained thought patterns around other people.
In starting to consider our own worth, it can be useful to ask ourselves why people are drawn to us. If we struggle with needing to please others, we are most probably generous, helpful and very considerate of others. Most importantly, we are likely to be extremely loving, and this can no doubt be felt by those who know us. There are, however, many other qualities that we no doubt have that are also highly valued by our loved ones. We need to look for times that we are appreciated or loved when we have done nothing, but just for who we are. Others may not always express their feelings in the way we are able to ourselves, but we have to learn to identify and acknowledge when those around us are showing us love.
Having said that, we also have to accept that we are perhaps not always the wonderful, loving, selfless person we see ourselves as! At least, that is not all we are. Nobody can be – it’s just not humanly possible. We all have flaws and we need to be more accepting of them. It doesn’t mean we will be rejected for them. In fact, it would be hard for our partners to live with someone who is perfect – especially if what has an outward face of perfection has an underbelly of resentment and manipulation. We have to be more conscious of our motives in doing what we do. If we were to have a truly honest look, we might see that some of our pleasing ways are done with the purpose of trying to get the other person to appreciate us and to meet our needs. Again, if we have wants and needs that are not explicitly spelled out, we are leaving ourselves open for disappointment, as the other person may not interpret our signals as we intended.
If people-pleasing is our habitual way of being, when trying to break out of it, we probably have to start small. If we are in a relationship, we could start making one choice or decision per week, no matter how uncomfortable (if we are not in a relationship, we can start this work with friends and family). We choose the movie, decide where we want to eat, what cereal to buy, where to shop, what to do one evening – it doesn’t matter what it is, we just make one decision each week, based completely on our own inclinations, and suggest it to our partner.
We have to allow ourselves to feel out this process, especially since we may have real difficulties actually knowing what we do want. This doesn’t matter: we still have to choose something. Note how it feels to make a decision. Note how it feels to tell your partner you want something. You have needs. Note what your brain is saying (spoiler – it won’t be happy!). Anxiety Toolbox II (see page 94) will come in handy here.
Frame the situation – making a choice for yourself – in a Thought Record. Figure out what thoughts are coming up. Fears around feeling and being seen as selfish, how unfair you are being to your partner, and how unimpressed they will be, will be some common ones. We also need to acknowledge and move on from some of the most intrusive and persistent thoughts, such as, They won’t love me any more or It’s selfish to put myself first.
The more we can continue to ask ourselves what we want and force ourselves to make a choice, the more we begin to figure out what we actually do want. It’s not about getting it right all the time, it’s a process of discovery. As we go, we can step beyond what movie we want to watch, and move into the more important choices. We can still be generous, considerate and loving, whilst putting our own desires first from time to time. If we can learn to acknowledge and pursue our own needs, this will be a great addition to our loving nature. This nature will not go away if we look out for ourselves every once in a while.
Fear of conflict
There is probably nothing harder for a people-pleaser to navigate than an argument. Whether it is saying things we need to say when we are troubled by something in the relationship or defending ourselves when our partner is angry with us, this can be excruciating experience, as there will be a serious conflict of interest with our overall goal of keeping the other person happy.
In an intimate relationship, conflict is inevitable and crucial for the health of the relationship. Well, negotiation is the crucial element – but, more often than not, this plays out as conflict, as both parties do their best to navigate their way through the murky waters of undeclared feelings, unspoken expectations, misinterpretations and poor communication. This is not easy work, and we come up against the other person’s expectations and needs at every turn, which often do not match our own. We have to be able to hear the other person, express our own needs clearly, compromise on areas where there is difference of opinion and, as best we can, allow both parties to sometimes do this poorly, especially in the early stages of the relationship.
If the thought of an argument fills us with dread, chances are we will have avoided them all our lives. If this is the case, we will be more inclined to withdraw from conflict or only face up to it under great duress, rather than seeing it as an opportunity to say our piece, hear what the other person has to say and then jointly figure out what needs to be done to proceed. If we have always avoided difficult conversations, we may have poor negotiation skills or we may harbour unhelpful beliefs that we will not be listened to or rejected if we put forward our own needs.
Anything for an easy life
With anxiety, we can often long for the easy life. We want things to be comfortable and predictable, with little uncertainty, everything within our control and as little conflict as possible. Unfortunately, this kind of life does not exist, especially if we are to share it with another human being.
Like so many coping mechanisms that are designed to avoid things we find frightening, seeking comfort over conflict is counterproductive. If, for example, we use distractions such as social media or daydreaming to give us respite from the anxiety of a big project at work, this may give us momentary relief – but the project won’t progress or have much chance of success. Likewise, constantly avoiding conflict in a relationship can push the awkward conversation down the road a little, but the conversation still needs to be had, and the likelihood is that, when we finally get around to it, it’s a much, much more difficult conversation than it originally needed to be.
The bottom line is that the anything-for-an-easy-life approach to a relationship can leave us with anything but an easy life! Short-term avoidance of pain is very seductive if the quiet life is our goal, but, in the long run, it just paves the way for much greater suffering further down the road. If a lot of conversations we have with our partner involve some sort of mental gymnastics on our part, where we are trying to figure out the best thing to say so as not to bring on conflict, then this can come back to bite us very quickly.
The best thing about the truth, as Mark Twain put it, is that you don’t need to remember anything. If we lie to avoid conflict or to protect the other person’s feelings, those lies are now out in the world and may haunt us.
I can remember a perfect example of this from my own life, when I was in my mid-twenties. I was out one afternoon and bumped into an ex-girlfriend, and we ended up having a coffee. The relationship had not ended well, and the two hours we spent talking seemed to be quite healing for both of us. Later that day, when I met up with my then current girlfriend and she asked me how my day went, I, in my wisdom, decided not to mention the two hours with my ex.
I remember my thoughts clearly. I wanted to protect my girlfriend’s feelings, and I also wanted to avoid a conflict. Two days later, we bumped into a mutual friend who knew both my ex and my current girlfriend. During the course of a quick chat, he remarked, ‘I hear you met X the other day.’ My girlfriend looked at me and said nothing, but I knew there would most definitely be a conversation coming when we were alone – and how do you imagine my lie by omission looked now? A quick explanation when she first asked me about my day would have been easy and something she could have handled. Her feelings did not need protecting. But now this had become something that could not be so easily explained away!
What happened next – and this was very much the way I would have dealt with such situations in the past – was that I tried to explain to my then current girlfriend my reasoning for what I had done, gradually drip-feeding small increments of the truth as I went. I was on the defensive and my goal was still to above all avoid conflict – regardless of the fact that I was already in the middle of a conflict! So, instead of addressing things head-on and having it out fully – remember, I hadn’t actually done anything wrong other than not mention the meeting with my ex – I got things to a place where my girlfriend and I were no longer fighting and then I just waited it out until everything seemed OK again.
It may sound like a crazy way to operate but, in my mid-twenties, I had nothing else at my disposal when handling such situations. It was how I had dealt with things since I was a child, when it actually served me quite well. I even didn’t realise at the time that I was falling back on a maladaptive defence mechanism that, apart from anything else, was no longer appropriate to my situation as an adult, when my environment had changed and I was interacting with people beyond the family circle. It’s what I had always done, and I had no awareness that it wasn’t an optimal way of operating, that there were other, better approaches I could have used or that other people don’t need protecting from the truth.
This is just one small example of how opting for the easy life can be counterproductive – but this principle can and does play out like this to varying degrees in most of our lives. It can drive a partner crazy if we are constantly looking to appease them, rather than really engaging and saying what we truly think and feel. This approach can leave us scrambling around in our heads, searching furiously for a way out of a stupid, insignificant lie we told yesterday, just so that things will be OK. And the annoying thing is that the silly lie was so unnecessary in the first place. Although there was no malice in it – it was just something we concocted to avoid a potential argument – the end result was still needless upset and pain for our partner and ourselves.
Another thing to also be conscious of if we never engage in conflict is the question of what we do with the anger or hurt we feel but which we don’t act on. Chances are our true feelings will come out in other ways, and we may punish the other person through jokes, snide remarks, silence or passive-aggressive behaviour. It is a way to try to get our point across whilst still not engaging in an open and honest conversation. This can be a frustrating and confusing form of communication for the other person to deal with. We’re expecting them to pick up on our signals and know why we are sending them, whilst not acknowledging them ourselves.
This refusal to engage can also be used as a way to take away our partner’s right to call us out in the relationship. If on another occasion, they get annoyed and bring up things that are bothering them, we can use the fact that we never complain about all their failings to shame them into silence. We can make it look like everything would be perfect if only they weren’t so disagreeable – when in fact they are most likely well within their rights to mention their dissatisfaction sometimes. Because sometimes is more often than never, it looks like they do all the complaining, making them the bad guys.
Build and explode
Another common way those who cannot abide conflict try to get their needs met whilst avoiding an argument is to let things slide for a long time until the pressure builds and it is suddenly released in an outpouring of anger. The sins of the previous months are brought to the table with such force that the other person does not know what has hit them.
If this is the way we handle conflict, then there is a pretty reliable pattern to our disagreements. Something happens that bothers us, perhaps small enough, but we let it slide. Maybe we go quiet or are ‘off’ for the day, but if the other person asks us about it, we will say that nothing is wrong. Slowly, the annoyance passes, and things get back to normal – but we haven’t forgotten. Every minute detail is stored in our memory. Soon enough, something else occurs that we are not happy with and, again, we say nothing, choosing instead to simply shut down as before. We are not comfortable saying that we find something our partner has done annoys us – but the rising tide of anger will soon override this discomfort! When it finally comes – maybe one, maybe ten more incidents further down the road – the anger trumps the fear of conflict or any other barriers to discussion.
We blurt out everything that has been bothering us. We drag up the past and talk about things that we have been stewing over for a long time, with little regard for the fact that our partner may be hearing all this for the first time and now has to come up with a rebuttal while wondering what the hell has just happened. We trample over the feelings of the other person and say things that are designed to hurt because, after all, we have been hurting for a long time.
At the heart of this very damaging pattern is the fact that, in order to finally address the issues that are bothering us, we have to be in such a state of heightened emotion, that we are neither in full control of what we say nor are we able to listen to and digest what the other person is saying. In order to see the other person’s point of view, we have to come down from the anger – yet we cannot come down from our anger because, if we do so, we will land in our fear of conflict.
These sudden explosions of anger can leave us, and of course our partners, shell-shocked after the event. We might not recognise the person we become in that moment and deeply regret some of the things we say or how we make our partner feel. We may feel helpless that this is our only form of getting what we want or we may have misplaced anger towards our partner, blaming them for bringing out this response in us. There can be so much inner turmoil because, after the anger dies down, the very beliefs and fears that stopped us talking in the beginning still remain. Our heightened anxiety now churns away in hindsight, working through everything that happened after the anger and outrage took over.
Communication is key
If you recognise yourself in any of the conflict avoidance styles mentioned above, all of which are unproductive and deeply damaging to a relationship, it is probably time to look at a different approach. We all know that good communication is crucial. If done well, it can allow a relationship to become a sanctuary against the world – a place where you can show your real self, be vulnerable, feel acceptance, and also be strong and supportive.
But what if the idea of open and honest communication terrifies us? As with all fears, when our brain fires a ‘danger’ thought at us and we react in a way that confirms the danger – in this case, not engaging in difficult conversations – the fear grows. If we have practised avoiding conflict for a very long time, we can be sure the fear is fairly well-established. This is likely an area where we are going to have to change the way we behave in order to prove to our brains that we no longer find conflict as frightening.
To begin the process of change, we will have to push through some seriously negative thoughts that will be telling us to run. Much like with the work we did earlier with uncertainty, we need to work on building a tolerance for conflict, and this will take time. That’s one of the main difficulties with this kind of work. It will not be all plain sailing and big achievements. It may be slow and feel awkward, and we will have to push through some of our fears.
Say, for example, we have a fear of losing the other person, so we keep our head in the sand and ignore all the things that bother us. If we lift our heads up and really engage and tell the other person what we want and don’t want, there is a chance we will find out that our partner is not capable of meeting our needs. That isn’t a great realisation to have to face – but what are the alternatives? We can continue in the same way, with our needs being neglected, hoping that one day things will change. But why would they? If our partner is not getting feedback when things are bothering us, it is not beyond the realm of possibility that they might believe everything is OK. It is time to start taking responsibility for our own needs and, with our partner, negotiate how we can have them met.
Importantly, this process is best engaged in after we have done some of the work on our sensitivity levels as outlined on pages 201-3. Then, we decide that, the next time we feel we need to stick up for ourselves or point out something that is bothering us in the relationship, we will, to the best of our ability, address this directly with our partner. During this exchange, we have to allow for two things. We have to accept that we may go about the task clumsily and with little polish at first – if we have been avoiding this all our lives, there will be a steep learning curve involved – and we also must allow the other person time to process the message.
This new approach from us will likely also be new for our partner – especially if we have been with them for a long time. We have to allow them their in-the-moment response, which may involve confusion, anger or any other range of emotions as they gather their thoughts. But we must also allow them time to go away and process what has been said. We cannot judge the outcome of this first sortie into conflict by the immediate response of our partner.
If we don’t jump to conclusions that what’s happening in the moment is indicative of what’s actually going to happen in the longer term, it is much easier to stay calm. What we experience in the moment, how it feels (‘they don’t care about me’, ‘they don’t listen to what I say’, and so on), may not actually be what is going on. Admittedly, it’s hard to do this at the time of the argument, but later, on reflection, we can soften the situation for ourselves, as we allow the other person to process what has been said. We can then use this evidence to gain composure in future disagreements. This is where using the strategy (from Anxiety Toolbox I, see page 65), of zooming out on the timeline can be so helpful, allowing us the perspective and calm to see that another conversation may be needed when both parties have processed the other’s position.
When we decide to speak up, we need to say what it is that we are not satisfied with, expect the other person to push back and try as best we can to stick to the point we want to make. We need to let go of the outcome in the short term.
When enough time has passed, we can think about the beliefs we went into the situation with and how accurate they were. What did we believe would happen if we pointed out something in the relationship that we were not happy about? This can be a great time to do a really detailed Thought Record (see page 98) about what actually did happen, to bring some balance and perspective and calm our worried mind, and challenge the hypotheses our fears have had us believing in for so long.
Finally, it’s important for us to know that there is most likely no magical place we can get to in our minds where we will be totally fine with conflict. From my own experience, I can say that I have been working on my own difficulties in this area for a long time, and it remains something I have to really stay on top of. My thoughts are exactly the same as they always were – Don’t say that. Just do this instead. Let that slide, it doesn’t really matter. Just walk away; be the bigger person. However, such thoughts have become quieter and less persistent.
My mind still immediately says ‘avoid’, when I’m presented with an opportunity either to take part in a disagreement or find a way around it, but it’s much easier to push past this way of thinking because, by now, I have done it many times before and my brain no longer sees ignoring such thoughts as potentially dangerous and unwise. However, even now, while I know full well that honest, direct communication is the only way forward, if I am not vigilant, I can still find myself shying away from it.
I’ve come to realise that, when it comes to situations of conflict, my thoughts can still be sneaky. I pride myself on being calm and composed, but this can often be used by my brain as an excuse to hold back and not engage. If I listened to my oft-ignored gut, I would be involved in many more disagreements, but my head keeps telling me it’s better to leave things alone. But I have now recognised and accepted this in myself, which makes it easier to catch and push through the thoughts, and I’m able to do this so much more than I used to.
That’s all I can ask of myself really. Am I better at this than I was yesterday? Marginally. But if I can say that every day, that’s real progress.