“My dance space, your dance space” is perhaps one of the best lines in perhaps one of the best movies of all time, Dirty Dancing. The main character, Baby, has “spaghetti arms” and keeps collapsing her frame while the Bad Boy Hottie, played by Patrick Swayze, is trying to teach her a formal dance. He shows Baby how to hold her stance (and her own) by explaining that the two of them each have their own area to dance in, and to make the dance work, dancers must respect each other’s boundaries.
You might think, from a movie called Dirty Dancing, that the “dancing” would just be bumping and grinding all over each other. But what Baby learned in the film is that the dirtiest dancers are also the most rigorously trained. And the best rule breakers are the ones who know the rules before breaking them intentionally.
In case you can’t tell, I love Dirty Dancing, and I also love . . . dancing! A little-known fact about me is that I’m classically trained in ballet. I actually went to a performing arts high school in Los Angeles to study dance before finding my calling in TV news. Dance taught me that you can’t be a good partner if you can’t hold your own. Partners can offer support, but they can’t prop you up or do your part for you. In the previous step, you set up your “dance space” by determining what matters to you most. In this step, I’m going to help you protect your “dance space” from your “partner,” whether that person is an actual romantic partner or a colleague, boss, friend, or family member. Dancing that looks effortless takes some effort up front. So, let’s cha-cha, baby.
BORDER CONTROL
Boundaries are limits that define your personal space. We understand geographical boundaries as lines that mark the limits of countries or states. Personal boundaries do the same thing. We might say, “you crossed the line,” meaning that someone has violated our boundaries, usually by saying or doing something grossly offensive. But the “line” or boundary you draw isn’t just to protect you from egregious oversteps. Boundaries can and should also be distinctions between acceptable behavior (to you) and any behavior that compromises your Emotional Wellness.
You know roughly where the line is in various areas of your life, right? But would heads of countries be cool with it if their borders were roughly drawn? I. Don’t. Think. So. You shouldn’t be either.
So let’s define and set some clear boundaries so you can fill in the rest of the map. How would you finish the following sentences?
Others cannot:
I have the right to ask for:
To value myself and my time, I can:
I’ll go first. My sentences look like this:
Others cannot: make judgments about my family history, make fun of mental health issues, or wrongly accuse me of something.
(Other examples: scream at me, get physical toward me, tell racist jokes, put me down, try to embarrass me in front of others, make comments about my size, go through my email or texts without me knowing.)
I have the right to ask for: help when I need it, alone time, and affection.
(Other examples: another dish when mine is prepared incorrectly, silence in an Uber, quiet time during a facial or massage, help with housework, a customer service supervisor.)
To value myself and my time I can: keep “me time” sacred, stay in when I am too tired to go out, and say “no” when I don’t have time to do something.
(Other examples: cancel plans when I’m sick, return text messages and emails on my own timeline, go on a trip without inviting or telling a friend, change my mind when something doesn’t feel right.)
Your personal boundaries are like your bill of rights. What do you have the right to do? What do you have the right to expect from others? It doesn’t matter what your bill of rights includes, as long as you act in accordance with what it says.
SUPER WOMAN
TIP
Live Like You Were Dyin’
It might sound morbid, but any time you’re tempted to give some of your precious time away to something you don’t want to do or something you don’t feel good about for whatever reason, pause to think about how much actual time you have on this earth. Consider a specific example of something you love to do and think about how many more times you have left to do it. Say you’re forty, and you ski once a year. Well, the life expectancy for an American woman is currently seventy-eight . . . meaning you have just thirty-eight more chances to hit the slopes (or the ski lodge after a certain age). Start thinking of how few chances and little actual time you have to do the things you love and watch how it changes your perspective on things you don’t.
DRAW THE LINE
If you’re working for someone else, you probably think that your boundaries are not up to you. But whether you’re a VP, entrepreneur, or just starting out in your career, you can and should set professional boundaries. Drawing the line at the office will not only help your own sanity, it will make it easier for you to keep your promises and earn you the respect of others.
Let’s do the same exercise we just did, but this time specifically for work:
Professional relationships cannot:
I have the right to express:
To do my best work, I need and have the right to ask for:
I’ll go first again. My sentences look like this:
Professional relationships cannot: be passive-aggressive.
(Other examples: make me feel bullied, intimidated, or silenced; become sexual; sabotage my work; overwhelm me with communication or gossip.)
I have the right to express: when I feel like I am unable to accomplish something asked of me.
(Other examples: when I am unable to answer something on the spot; my goals and ambitions.)
To do my best work, I need and have the right to ask for: space to stay laser focused on the task in front of me.
(Other examples: help from others, help with resources, advice, and mentorship.)
Setting professional boundaries doesn’t mean that you have to be super rigid or tough. Give yourself some wiggle room to get involved with new adventures, projects, and deeper professional connections (and understand that sometimes you have no choice but to say “yes” to that urgent task your boss just assigned you). Keep the context in mind. If a colleague has an issue and genuinely needs your help, the Super Woman thing to do is help a sister out. But, if this becomes a regular thing and starts to eat up your time or makes you uncomfortable, then you gotta tell that woman to fly on her own.
Remember, while no one wants to feel uncomfortable, “uncomfortable” means something different to everyone. Think about what makes you “uncomfortable.” If your threshold for “uncomfortable” is high, then don’t pretend like it’s not. If you’re actually totally cool crafting your boss’s kid’s science fair project, and that doesn’t make you uncomfortable whatsoever, that’s fine. Or maybe it’s not fine, and you know that in your gut you don’t feel right doing it. Figure out your personal comfort zone first, so you can draw your own boundaries in a way that makes sense for you.
Just like little kids test boundaries to see what they can get away with, the people you work with and for will test yours. So will your friends, family, and even significant other. What can they get you to say “yes” to? How much of your time and energy can they push for?
The boundaries you set and enforce—or don’t—set up a framework that guides people on how to treat you. If you keep saying “yes” indiscriminately, why wouldn’t someone keep asking you to do something? I would.
CONFESSIONS
OF A SUPER WOMAN
It’s Not About the Horse
“I’ll go.”
I raised my hand first in the “equine therapy” class I signed up for at Miraval, a wellness retreat in Arizona. I thought I was going to be spending time petting and riding all the pretty horses, which sounded therapeutic (otherwise why would it be on the menu of “wellness” activities?). But as I soon discovered, equine therapy, at least this particular version, had nothing to do with riding horses.
“This class is all about boundaries,” the instructor said as she used a training whip to guide the horse around the ring. “So all I want you to do is walk the horse around a circle with intention. The horse will feel that energy but only from a comfortable distance of a few feet, not too close and not too far, and follow your lead if you’re strong enough in your conviction.” That’s right. It seemed like a joke to me, too, but the whole class was about walking a horse . . . in a circle. That’s it.
I got this, I thought as I entered the ring under the instructor’s watchful gaze. I stroked the horse’s face, saying “I got you; we got this” a few times. Of course, I knew the horse didn’t understand all that, but I figured if I could quickly make him my best friend, he would let me easily guide him around in a circle.
“You can stop petting the horse,” said the instructor, interrupting my whispering sweet nothings to the beautiful creature. “Do you often try really hard, sometimes too hard, to get people to like you?”
Oh shit, I thought. This is about to get real.
“The horse doesn’t understand English. The only thing that makes the horse move with you is your energy and intention; it’s communication boiled down to its most basic level. That’s the only language he understands and the only way for you to tell him where to go,” the instructor (slash therapist, as quickly became apparent) said as she handed me the whip.
I cracked it against the ground, still baby talking to the horse—even though intellectually I knew that it wouldn’t help—and moving in closer. Then I stood in front of him, saying “come on” as I swayed in the counterclockwise direction the instructor had led him before. But the horse started meandering in the opposite direction.
“Can I take him clockwise instead?” I asked. “That’s the direction he seems to want to go, and I want to do what he wants.”
“Sure,” she said. “But do it because you want to, not because you think he wants to.”
I followed the horse as he turned slightly clockwise and then tried to get him to trot in that direction with me. No luck. In fact, he started meandering back the other way. This was wayyyyy harder than I’d thought.
“Gah, okay, I guess I’ll take him counterclockwise again,” I said, growing sweaty and nervous and feeling like I totally sucked at this.
“Do you often try to make people happy and put their needs before your own?” the instructor asked. All of a sudden there was a lump in my throat—the kind you get when you’re about to cry but trying not to.
“C’mon, let’s go here. This way!” I said to the horse. I was still trying to be gentle and soft so that the horse would like me, and I moved in even closer.
“You’re moving in too close to the horse,” said the instructor. “You need to keep a boundary and be decisive so that he can see and feel what you want him to do.”
I scooted back and then stopped. The horse came to me.
“Oh, see, he likes me. He’s not mad at me,” I said, turning to face the instructor. As I did, the horse walked away.
“Do you have trouble setting and maintaining boundaries, Nicole?” the instructor asked. “You’re coming in too close and not making enough noise with the training whip to get his attention. He doesn’t understand what you want. If you don’t know where you want to go, or keep changing your mind, the horse can’t trot with you.”
I couldn’t stop the tears as I tried again and again to lead the horse. I didn’t want to leave the ring until I got it right. The closest I came was getting the horse to trot halfway around the circle with me before cutting a corner. The same corner every time.
“I’m so bad at this,” I wailed, unable to close the floodgates. “He keeps wanting to bail and leave me just when I thought we were doing so well.”
“Do you fear abandonment and beat yourself up when it happens?”
WTF, was I all of a sudden on Dr. Phil??
I wanted to go hide back in my room. I was embarrassed for bawling and making a scene. But I also wanted to stay until I’d completed a full circle with the horse.
You’re not a quitter, I told myself over and over again.
“Do you often think things are your fault when they don’t work out?” the instructor asked, as I kept trying.
“Yes, I do, and when they leave I think it’s all my fault,” I said, catching myself saying “they” and realizing it was pretty clear that I wasn’t talking about horses.
“See, it’s not about the horse. The horse is a mirror of you. The horse will go wherever you want it to go as long as you know exactly where that is and can powerfully communicate that,” the instructor said to me, better analyzing my relationship patterns in ten minutes than I had in a lifetime. “But it doesn’t seem like you do.”
I didn’t. I sobbed and felt defeated. I never did complete that full circle.
“Should I try it one last time?” I looked back at the horse and the instructor once more as I neared the gate. My hands shook as I fumbled to open the latch, partly because I was worked up but mostly to buy time because I wasn’t sure if I should really leave.
“There will always be more classes and more horses. Come back when you feel ready. You just have to be prepared to put your energy in the direction you decide, keep a certain boundary, and hold your ground so strongly that nothing the horse does can shake you. Remember, it’s not about the horse, it’s about you.”
Everything important I know about boundaries, I learned from a horse. Now, you don’t have to sign up for equine therapy to set boundaries. But you do need to understand them and know where yours are in order to lead life on your terms.
PUT UP A FENCE
There’s an old adage: “Good fences make good neighbors.” Well, I didn’t realize the reason I had so many bad “neighbors” (relationships) was because I didn’t have a good fence (or any fence at all). We will talk more about healthy relationships in Step 10, but before you invite any neighbors over, you need to get your own house in order.
Does this interaction sound familiar?
Friend: “Hey, I know we’ve been trying to get together for a while. My schedule has been slammed. Can you do breakfast tomorrow at 8 AM?”
You: “That works!” (Actually, 8 AM was the time you’d scheduled your workout.)
Okay, so unless this friend is the OG Super Woman Oprah herself, then your workout is your workout is your workout. It’s on your calendar, and the guest of honor is you. Don’t skip it. Even Oprah has said, “You have to be able to set boundaries, otherwise the rest of the world is telling you who you are and what you should be doing.”
So, what about this instead?
Friend: “Hey, I know we’ve been trying to get together for a while. My schedule has been slammed. Can you do breakfast tomorrow at 8 AM?”
You: “No, I can’t. I have a meeting scheduled then. Can you do noon?”
You’re not lying here. In the first scenario, you canceled a meeting with yourself to avoid canceling on someone else. Why? Do you value that person’s time more than you value your own? Do you value not letting them down more than you value yourself? I used to answer “yes” to those questions. Then, I started taking my own needs just as seriously as I would anyone else’s.
In the second scenario, you value you first, and then find ways to work others into your schedule. Start thinking of saying “no” to someone else as saying “yes” to yourself. Turning down things that aren’t priorities opens you up to the things that are.
THE SUPER ENFORCER
There’s no need to clap back when someone encroaches on a boundary (don’t forget, they’re not psychic and may do so unintentionally). A calm, clear, and concise response is better than an emotionally driven diatribe. But boundaries are meaningless if you don’t enforce them. Being wishy-washy is confusing and being confusing is weak. So, speak strongly to look strong.
For example: You keep getting asked to take on projects, your workload is overwhelming, and you are beyond stressed.
The wrong move is to say “yes” if you don’t have the available bandwidth to do another task; an even worse move is to say “yes” passive aggressively, or “maybe” when you know it would take a miracle. There’s an oft-repeated business saying that goes, “If it’s not a ‘hell yes,’ then it’s a ‘no.’ ” That means, if it’s a “maybe,” then it’s a “no.” If you work for yourself, noticing when your immediate reaction is a “maybe” will be a litmus test for which people to work with and what projects to take on, especially if your inclination is to say “yes” to everything. If you work for someone else, checking your reaction can help you assess whether or not you can realistically take on more work.
The right move when you are asked to take on something new and are already overwhelmed is to tell the person simply and clearly that you can’t commit to it at this time. This sounds obvious, but we are often so concerned about being nice and not hurting people’s feelings that we tie ourselves into knots trying to find a way to say anything but “no” to avoid disappointing them. But most people at work, especially your superiors, will appreciate your honesty about your resources—it’s way less “disappointing” than having you overcommit and do a shitty job.
Superwoman wants to help everyone all the time. Super Women know that time is their most valuable asset. And they invest it in themselves first.
It took me years—decades, really—to realize that investing in myself was critical for my overall success. Trying to do everything meant I didn’t do anything well. And, trying to be everything to everyone meant I was nothing to myself.
Super Woman Shonda Rhimes said it best when she said, “No is a complete sentence.”
SAYING “NO” WITH A SMILE
I get it. You have an insane job? Five kids? Fifteen parrots? Whatever it is, we all have stuff—stuff to get done, stuff to manage—and, ideally, we want to do all of said stuff successfully. Well, guess who decides if that happens? “Lapin, you’re going to say it’s up to me, again, but there are other people and responsibilities in play!! You’re just not right this time.”
Au contraire ma petite Super Femme! Lapin makes it happen. And you do, too. You are the one who says “yes” or “no” to anything and everything in your life (there are even ways to do that on the j-o-b, which I’ll get to in a bit). Do you feel “obligated” to do something? If the answer is “yes,” ask yourself: “why”?
You’re a Super Woman and a lot of people will want your super self at their parties, on their committees, and heading up cool projects. Wanting to say “yes” to all of that is not wrong. But saying “yes” just to please people and make them like you is. Say “yes” all day long if you want—but only if it’s right for you and pleases you.
Saying “yes” to things you are not stoked about out of a sense of obligation is no bueno in general. But, it’s even worse when it eats into your “me time” and undermines your obligation to yourself. Making plans with yourself is making plans. You are your own party, your own committee, and the queen of your own projects. Say “yes” to those all day.
Saying “No” at Work
Being the DIY-do-it-all-chronic-overachievers that we are, we want to crush any commitment we make, especially at work. But if your current commitments (including the one you’ve made to yourself) will suffer from taking on more commitments, then instead of crushing anything, you’re gonna get crushed. I get it: As you move up in your career, you don’t always have a say in what comes your way. But you do have a say in how you manage your own bandwidth and other people’s expectations (even your boss’s!).
So, the next time you’re faced with another commitment that you know you just can’t take on, try this tactic:
Your boss: “Nicole, I’m looking for someone to update the handbook we give to incoming interns to reflect our latest projects and thought you might want to take this on. Can you do it?”
You: “Thanks so much for thinking of me—this sounds like a valuable project for our team! However, I am already committed to Projects A and B and want to keep my focus there so that I can knock those projects out of the park before our deadline. I do have a handy outline that I created regarding our new social media approach, which I will send to you by the end of the day to include in the handbook.”
Your boss: “That’s great; I had no idea you created that. However, I still need you to update the handbook. Can you have it back to me, incorporating your social media outline, by Friday?”
You: “I understand, and I want to make sure I have enough time to complete the handbook in a thorough manner on top of my other projects. Is a Monday deadline acceptable?”
Your boss: “Yes, that works.”
You: “Thanks again for offering this project to me, and please do keep me in mind for future projects.”
Why this works:
• Notice the “thank-you sandwich” we created here, starting with appreciation for the opportunity and finishing by expressing interest in being kept in the loop about future projects. Not only is this a gracious approach to negotiating with someone who holds a higher position than you do, but it also goes a long way to ensure you won’t be passed over for a future opportunity that you might actually want.
• Present actual examples of what else you have cooking, like Projects A and B. This isn’t meant to be defensive, but to demonstrate the many other ways you are contributing to the good of the team.
• When possible, refer the asker to a helpful resource or provide additional information to help move their project along—and solidify your status as a total team player. And offer an actual deadline for your contribution, which makes it more genuine. Of course, your boss has the right to refuse your amended deadline, but you won’t get the extension unless you ask.
SUPER WOMAN
TIP
Speak Up, Super Woman
I call bullshit on the phrase “women just need a seat at the table.” I mean, sure, we need a seat. But, we also need a voice.
Studies have shown that in group projects, men do less but get more credit for the work they do. And, how do they do that? Well, it’s partly due to them picking a task that is most likely to be highlighted. It’s often assumed that when a person speaks for the team or answers questions, for example, that they have the most responsibility, ownership, or knowledge of the project. In reality, those who speak on behalf of a team aren’t necessarily those who put in the most time or work, but their vocal roles lead to the perception that they have, and thus they receive greater recognition.
So, sign up for less but speak up more.
Saying “No” to Friends and Acquaintances
Being a good friend doesn’t mean saying “yes” to everything someone asks of you. Now, if a friend is in need, that’s one thing. But not every request can be an emergency. And you don’t have to feel bad about being thoughtful about those that aren’t. Consider this:
Your neighbor: Hey, Nicole! I’m putting together a weekly book club with some of the other women in our building and thought you might be interested in hosting at your place. Are you able to?
You: Wow, thanks so much for thinking of me—I’m flattered! My schedule doesn’t allow for hosting right now, but I’d love to join you when I can. Have you thought about introducing a theme to tie all of the books together? I’m very into mindfulness books at the moment!
Your neighbor: I hadn’t thought of that, great idea!
You: Let me know if you find a host, and keep me posted on the schedule.
Your neighbor: Will do, thanks!
Why this works:
• Just because you have to pass on the “big” ask, doesn’t mean you have to pass altogether (unless this is something you really don’t want to do—but I’d say a women’s book club about mindfulness sounds pretty fun, no?). Put the ask on your terms, but be genuine about it. So, if you turn down hosting in favor of occasional attendance, make sure you actually, um, show up every once in a while. Otherwise it’s best to just politely decline fully to preserve the vitality of the relationship—and your own. Actress Gabrielle Union once said, “I swear to God, the second I learned to say ‘no,’ that was the best anti-aging I could do for myself.”
• In this case, the fewer details about why you can’t commit, the better. (“My schedule doesn’t allow for hosting . . .”) You live in close proximity to this person, so you don’t want to provide specific examples, which they might in turn hold you to. (“Hey, Nicole, I thought you said you were working late?!”)
• Again, offer up a useful resource or idea to help move the asker’s project along.
• Note: Notice that I didn’t suggest “asking Maria, who lives up the hall.” You might know that Maria is a fabulous cook who loves to host, but you likely don’t know what else she has going on. So don’t put another Super Woman on the spot like that.
Saying “No” to Your Sig-O
Falling for someone is distracting enough. But is your partner trying to commandeer your calendar? You can turn him or her down without entering breakup mode. Here’s how:
Your Sig-O: “My buddy is having some people down to his beach house this weekend. Wanna cut out early on Friday and party with us through Sunday?”
You: “That sounds like fun! However, I have that deadline on Friday, so I won’t be able to leave early. I’ve been enjoying our time together on the weekends so much, but now I need some “me time” to take care of a few things.”
Your Sig-O: “It’s the weekend, babe, live a little!”
You: “I’m going to stay put, finish my work, run some errands, and spend Saturday rock climbing with the girls. But I’m free on Sunday and would love to join you and your friends for a beach day. I’ll meet you down there in the morning with my bocce set!”
Why this works:
• You’ve asserted that your work and your time are valuable, and that you’re the kinda girl who crushes deadlines. If that’s not sexy, then I don’t know what is.
• You’ve also subtly reminded him of the quality time you’ve been spending together lately . . . so much that it’s cut into your adulting and extracurriculars. Notice that you did not (and should not) apologize in this situation or give in to his pressure. Getting your shit done, at work and otherwise, is nothing to be sorry for. Save the “sorrys” for actual fights.
• By offering to join the group on Sunday morning, you demonstrate that you can be flexible, and you know how to have a good time. The day-trip gesture reaffirms your commitment to spending time with him. On your terms.
Saying “No” to Your Family
It’s an unwritten law of nature: no one has more power to guilt you into doing something you don’t want to do than your mother (or other close family member). There is a lot to be said for answering the call of family, but sometimes your duty to yourself is greater. Try this:
Your mother: “Aunt Susan tells me you haven’t RSVPed to your second cousin Rachel’s baby shower next Sunday. I assume you’re still coming? I’ll pick you up at 10 AM.”
You: “I’m not able to make it next Sunday, and I actually just got off the phone with Aunt Susan to tell her.”
Your mother: “What do you mean you’re not coming?? This is Rachel’s first baby! And you two were so close growing up . . .”
You: “I’m thrilled for Rachel, and I sent her a gift from her registry so that she has something from me at her shower. However, Rachel and I have hardly spoken since first grade. My weekend time is limited these days, so I have to prioritize how I spend it.”
Your mother: “Well, alright . . . Can we still meet for coffee at 10 AM, before I go to the shower?”
You: “Of course! Looking forward to it.”
Why this works:
• When it comes to family, sometimes you’ve gotta go the extra mile to avoid hurt feelings and drama. So, when letting a family member down, call (or at least attempt to). The personal touch of your voice (or voice mail) will go a long way to remind them that they’re important to you. Don’t give a million excuses as to why you can’t be there; just decline the invitation graciously with “I’m not able to make it next Sunday” and leave it at that.
• If you’re able, send a thoughtful gift or card in lieu of your attendance (whether it’s a baby shower or wedding or birthday party). It doesn’t have to be elaborate, but it will remind that person that you’re thinking of them on their day (as well as reminding any judgey relatives who are there that you didn’t just forget, thank you very much).
• Your mother might remember you and Rachel as little girls, but that was a long time ago. Define the relationship in present-day terms, and then assert your right to set your own priorities as the grown-ass woman that you are. She may not like it, but she’ll have to respect it. If you can, concede to meet for coffee with her. After all, she’s your mother, and you’ll need coffee anyway.
Saying “No” to Requests from Super Women in Training
You can be a Super Woman and a Woman’s Woman. I am. I love paying it forward to up-and-coming Super Women. But, if I said “yes” to all the inbound inquiries of women hoping for mentor advice, I wouldn’t be able to do my own job. I try to be thoughtful about helping those who have really put, well, thought into their requests. But, even then, you can still say “no” the right way:
Your mentee: “Hi, Nicole! I’m applying for that new job I was telling you about and would love to meet up this week to go through my resume together. When are you free?”
You: “Hi there! I’m so glad you’re going for it and applying for this job! I don’t have time to meet up in person this week, but would be happy to offer a few notes over email. Can you send me your latest resume and cover letter?”
Your mentee: “Sure, I’m sending it right now!”
You: “Great! Let’s reconnect at The Coffee Shop next Wednesday at 5 PM to talk through a few interview questions. I know you’re going to nail it.”
Your mentee: “Perfect, see you then!”
Why this works:
• Obviously, it takes a lot more time to meet in person than to tackle something remotely. I’m all about meeting (wo)mano-a-(wo)mano when you can, but if you don’t have time and the ask is something document related like this, you can be just as helpful remotely. Cue: Track Changes.
• Notice that I asked her for her resume and cover letter. I knew she’d end up asking for my help on both eventually, and by anticipating that ahead of time, I reduced the need for back-and-forth emails—and saved myself more time, like a boss. Of course, only anticipate the additional ask if you have time to follow through.
• If you do have time to meet up in person, offer up a specific time and place. This reduces the back-and-forth while also drawing specific boundaries around your time.
KEEP IT TIGHT, KEEP IT RIGHT
When you’re trying to say “no” to someone, especially over email, it’s easy to turn into Emily Brontë and spew out a bunch of flowery prose in order to let them down easy. Don’t get me wrong; I love me some Brontë. But there is a time and place for it, and it’s not in boundary-defining conversations—it makes it too hard to decipher what the heck you are trying to say.
Cut the keyboard diarrhea by:
1. Using active voice (I can or I can’t instead of I would or I might)
2. Cutting down on adverbs and adjectives (including “very,” “so,” and the overused “hectic”)
3. Following the “Five Sentence Rule” by keeping all of your emails to five sentences or fewer (more than that, go for a phone call or actual meeting)
I know it’s scary to hold back all of your warmth, excitement, and apologies over email. But, get to the point, even if the point is a big ol’ N-O. Oftentimes, saying less will yield you more: sanity, respect, and time.
FYI
There’s nothing to apologize for when you’re practicing the power of politely saying “no.” And to make sure you don’t, there is an email plug-in you can download called “Just Not Sorry,” which alerts you to words or phrases that may undermine your messaging. Use it, and save the “Sorry” for real, in-person fuckups.
In Dirty Dancing, Baby goes from a shy, awkward girl who lets her family dictate her life to a badass dancing babe who finally has the nerve to stand up to her family and go after the life she wants. How did she do it? In short, Baby got some boundaries.
Take a page from that script. I did. Eventually, I learned how to establish boundaries for myself despite my workaholic, people-pleasing tendencies. Only once I boldly protected my personal space and time from anyone trying to dictate it could I fully pursue the life I wanted.
Remember: Nobody puts a Super Woman in the corner.
BOTTOM LINE
Conventional Wisdom: I have to run full speed ahead in order to break the glass ceiling.
Nope. Knowing how and why to pace yourself is the number-one skill of Olympic track stars and C-suite executives. If you don’t set boundaries around your domain, which includes your time, your energy, and even your feelings, people can and will take advantage of you. As many of the greatest female leaders out there will tell you, sometimes breaking that glass ceiling requires putting up some scaffolding first.
Conventional Wisdom: Saying “no” disappoints people.
Just like establishing boundaries is a sign of strength, so is having the moxie to say “no” to anything you’re not more than jazzed about. Start looking at saying “no” as a courtesy to the asker. A sincere, well-stated “no” tells others you value their time. There’s no better way to break trust than by committing to something, only to drop the ball later.
Conventional Wisdom: I need to be a “yes” woman in order to have a successful career.
You already know that your time is valuable, but articulating it reminds those around you just how valuable it is, too. Even if the ask is coming from your boss, you maintain the right to request an extended deadline or additional resources in order to set yourself up for success (and a good manager will recognize that). Don’t forget that your time to build a legacy in life is limited. Protect that shit fiercely.