Becoming Super Woman

When I returned home from the hospital after my breakdown, my fridge was stocked, my sheets were clean, and my bed was made better than I could have done it. I didn’t know it at the time, but after a few frantic texts, one of my besties drove four hours through the night to be there for me. And when I wasn’t allowed visitors, she went to my apartment (as a true bestie, she’s always on the “key list” for my building). By the time I got there she had already gone. I only learned of her visit when I returned home to my favorite vegan mac and cheese in the fridge and a tidy apartment, which was a perfect contrast to the mess I had just lived through and exactly what I didn’t know I needed. But, she did.

I realized then that the best of friends aren’t just the ones you vacation with, or cry about exes with, or who hold your hand in the hospital. The best ones are all of those things, sure, but they’re also behind the scenes, supporting you in quiet, unsung ways that are entirely unique to you and your needs. They’re your rock at rock bottom.

The most successful Super Women not only have their own backs, they have a community of other Super Women behind them, too. Emotional Wellness takes a village. In this step, we’ll establish who’s in yours—and learn how to (gracefully) get those who are bringing you down to move on out.

CREATING A BADASS VILLAGE

Enjoying a tight community (or what the researchers call “social connectedness”) is directly related to success. Look back at the goals you came up with in Step 3. Who can you count on to support you on the way to reaching those goals? And who do you want to celebrate with when you get there? And commiserate with if you don’t?

Since you are the CEO of your own life, consider the important and influential people who help you run the business of being you as your personal C-suite. The C-suite of a company is made up of all the firm’s most important and influential members. It’s all the executives who have the word “chief” in their title, as in CEO or “chief executive officer,” CFO or “chief financial officer,” CTO or “chief technology officer,” and so on.

Just like a company looks for different skills in a CFO than it does in a CTO, we look for different qualities in different kinds of relationships. But whatever circle you’re moving in, the people making it up should have a few basic squad qualities in common:

• Validating. They like you for who you are, and when your confidence slips, they remind you of all the ways you are awesome (and/or encourage you to reread the list you made in Step 2 to remind yourself).

• Honest. Being validating doesn’t mean agreeing with everything you say—these are the people who care enough about you to tell you the truth, even when it means calling you out on your shit (with love, of course). Their honesty helps keep you honest.

• Consistent. This doesn’t have to mean you text hourly and meet every Friday for drinks. Between time and geography, sometimes your most important people aren’t the ones you see most often. But they are the ones who consistently have your back and won’t front if it’s been a minute since you’ve chatted.

Before you start thinking about who in your life has these qualities, ask yourself: Do you? If you are invalidating, dishonest, and inconsistent, why would you expect the people around you to treat you any differently? After all, don’t forget you’re a member of whatever club you’re in—and in this case, you’re the CEO, so lead by example.

As they say in many recovery programs, “Keep your side of the street clean.” That is, take care of the 50 percent of any relationship that you have control over . . . yours. The previous nine steps have helped you do that by getting yourself, your priorities, and your instincts in order so that you’re in a better position to be a stellar friend, partner, family member, and colleague. Now, if you’re ready to cross the street, let’s decide who you want waiting for you on the other side.

WORK PEEPS

I know that you can’t choose most of the work people you have in your life, but you can choose which of them you invest in. It’s important to identify a trusted circle of friends and advocates at work that you’ll have for the long run, regardless of where it is you actually work. People leave jobs. They lose jobs. They often end up somewhere else in your industry. And they always remember who still talked to and hung out with them during the “hiatus” they had before getting another gig. I will never forget the people who stayed in touch with me when I had nothing immediate that I could “do” for them. Those are the people I do the most for today.

In addition to the basic qualities we talked about, like honesty, here are the three things I look for in professional relationships I want to develop:

1. Positive attitude. Would you want to foster a relationship with a Debbie Downer? I wouldn’t.

2. Creativity. I don’t just surround myself with wicked smart, creative people in my own industry; I am attracted to creative people in general. It’s a good idea to bring work peeps from outside your industry into your inner circle—their ideas about what they do might spark a new approach to what you do.

3. Straight shooter. If I invest time in a work relationship, I don’t want to waste it on the phony formalities often associated with work decorum. I’m not saying you have to do actual shots with this person, but I like to surround myself with people who don’t have their guard totally up and are able to keep it real—at work and elsewhere.

What you look for in your important work relationships is up to you. Maybe you list power or expertise as qualities you want in your work tribe. Maybe you just want to invest in influential executives above you so you can jockey for a promotion behind the scenes. Remember, it’s totally fine to value whatever you value, not what you think you should value, as long as it is in alignment with your true truth. If you value power and influence, it’s not fine to pretend like you don’t.

And because I’m a straight shooter, I’ll tell it to you like it is, even if what I’m about to say isn’t popular: Getting ahead at work is a popularity contest. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Studies have shown time and again that people with more allies at the office perform better at work, and people with a larger contact list get ahead faster, gaining bigger and more regular promotions than their lone she-wolf counterparts. One Gallup poll found that people who had a work bestie were 43 percent more likely to receive recognition and praise for their work in a given week. And a LinkedIn study found that 46 percent of workers worldwide believe that work friends are important to their overall happiness. There can be salary benefits as well because discussing personal matters like how much you make with work confidantes provides valuable insights into your company or industry’s compensation—so you can ask for what you deserve. Could you price your house to sell without knowing the price of comparable homes in the area? Sure. But will it be better valued, and more likely to sell, with that information in hand? Abso-fucking-lutely.

At the end of the (work)day, study after study has shown that the best predictor of team success is not smarts or effort—it’s how team members feel about one another. When that feeling is positive, everyone succeeds. So, the ultimate goal for your work relationships is not just to be popular, it’s to make positive connections. While much has been written about the power of “weak ties” at work, or more transactional interactions, I believe in the superpower of “strong ties,” or more meaningful and long-lasting ones. And even though it seems counterintuitive, the best way to do that is by not talking about work.

CONFESSIONS

OF A SUPER WOMAN

Hi, My Name Is . . .

Around the time my work obsession started to peak, after I’d moved to NYC to start my dream gig at CNBC, I scored an invite to a secret influencer dinner series. The doors opened on a beautiful Upper West Side apartment, flooded with lights from huge windows that faced the Hudson River. I politely took off my shoes as our host gave me the “rules” for the evening—and realized I’d had no idea what I’d gotten myself into.

The biggest rule was this: No talking about—or even mentioning—what you do for work. Like, at all. And, even if you recognized someone, you had to basically pretend you didn’t until the end of the evening (which was pretty difficult, considering that one of the guests was, um, Bill Nye, the Science Guy).

While we weren’t talking about what we did for a living, we’d all be cooking dinner together. It was Mexican night, and the large kitchen was divided into little “stations”—one for preparing guacamole, one for chopping veggies, etc. Once everyone had arrived, we rotated through each station in a way that ensured everyone there got a chance to talk to everyone else. Unable to talk about work, I found myself really struggling to continue the conversation once I’d exhausted the story of the avocado tree I’d had in my backyard growing up. (Yes, I was the captain of the guacamole station.)

When dinner was ready, we all sat down to eat the meal we had worked together to prepare. At that point, we went around the table person by person, everyone else guessing what each member of the group did for a living based on the conversations we had about everything but work. And after everyone else had a chance to guess, we finally revealed our actual job.

The group had been curated by the host, a notable behavioral scientist who got off (intellectually) on watching how we handled ourselves within the evening’s strict parameters. He was the only person who knew everyone’s profession ahead of time. As we would soon discover, we were a varied bunch. Besides the Science Guy, and myself, there was an editor-in-chief of a major magazine, a famous comedian, and an acclaimed architect, among others.

After dinner was over, we gathered in the kitchen again, this time to wash the many dishes. And in a super weird turn of events, especially with this high-powered crowd and in this high-powered city, everyone went back to the non-work-related conversations we’d been having before the big jobs reveal. Just as weird, I found myself loosening up, too. We laughed hard, sang badly, and even learned how to saber a bottle of champagne (don’t try it at home, kids). I remember bringing up something job related to a woman it turned out I had actually worked with before but never met, and the conversation seemed almost inappropriate. Everyone there was at the peak of a demanding career, but no one was spending the night on their phone making deals. Instead, the group of us enjoyed being silly and telling stories, developing friendships that lasted longer and were the more meaningful for it.

Every time I meet someone now, I think of that night. Of course, after the “Hi, my name is . . .” part of an introduction is over, “What do you do?” is usually the default first question. That part hasn’t changed but my response to it has.

Recently, I met someone at a happy hour hosted by a financial company who quickly, after introducing herself, asked, “Where are you from?” I didn’t skip a beat and answered, “Los Angeles.” Everyone around me started laughing. They said that the woman was asking where I was from as in “What company are you from?” I laughed and she asked again, “So, where are you from?” This time I said, “Los Angeles, where are you from?”

Before I set out on my pursuit to become a Super Woman, I lived for the “What do you do?” and “What are you working on?” questions because I felt like work defined me. You wanna know more about me, outside of what I do for a living? Too bad; here’s another work thing I’m doing. I relied solely on my professional accomplishments to build professional contacts. And while I had “connections,” I didn’t build any meaningful connections.

As Super Women, no job title or occupation could possibly define all that we are, anyway. The “hows” of what we do—where we’ve been, the struggles and triumphs we face, the adventures we have—are so much more interesting. That’s the stuff that resonates with people. Own that narrative and you’ll own your next dinner party, too.

If you find yourself struggling to have something more than work to talk about, there’s a good chance your “joy bucket” that we talked about in Step 6 is empty and it’s time to fill it back up. How you describe yourself to others reveals a lot about how you see yourself and where you’re focusing your energy. I now use these “introducing myself” moments as a litmus test to see if I’m in need of a mental tune-up. If it’s hard for me to carry on a conversation about my personal adventures and misadventures as of late, then I know it’s time to have more of them.

Even if you’re in a work environment, it’s okay not to talk about work. In fact, those conversations are often most memorable and create the strongest connections. When I take on new projects or hires, I care less about the PowerPoint presentations and more about the connection. You better believe I will remember and care more about a woman who told me a story about going hiking in Patagonia or learning how to grow tomatoes on her balcony than whatever someone else said about their last company or first internship. Be honest with yourself: you’d rather listen to other people’s stories, right? (I mean you’ve been listening to mine this whole time.) But, also be ready to tell your own. And, if you’re starved for anything to say, maybe it’s time to flip back to Step 4 and make sure you’re not missing a slice of the pie. By now, you should have plenty of other big pieces that fill you up.

YOUR PROFESSIONAL POSSE

A Super Woman knows what she doesn’t know—but also knows how to find someone who does and then ask them for help. We surround ourselves with all kinds of experts. These are the people who, while you may not call them in a crisis, enable you to pursue your goals. That might mean your kids’ nanny, your assistant, or your handy neighbor who can fix anything. It’s your posse, so make it what you want, but here are a few examples of experts you might want to add:

Mentor. This is someone you admire professionally and aspire to learn from. Ideally, they work in the same or a similar industry as you, but not at your actual company. They have your best interests in mind as a professional and as a person, and you can rely on them for nonbiased feedback about your career choices and trajectory. The key here is that this is an actual relationship, which you take the time to grow and foster—without expecting anything concrete in return. (Advice and guidance when you need it? Yes. A big connection or actual job offer? No.) Also, get the idea out of your head that a mentor has to be older. I consider my friends Randi Zuckerberg and Daphne Oz to be my mentors, and they are basically my age. Randi does a lot of the same things I do, but in the technology space, and Daphne does a lot of what I do in the food space. While industry veterans can be helpful for giving you the general lay of the land, I’m also a big advocate of “peer mentors”—those who are more familiar with the type of work and contracts you might be getting now, in the present day, not just twenty years ago. Start your search for peer mentors on LinkedIn by seeing who you might already be connected to within your industry, and then reach out to see if they’d be open to meeting.

Therapist. Going to a therapist is like going to a trainer for your brain. You definitely don’t need to have a diagnosed mental illness to go. In fact, everyone should go. (But if you do have something going on, it’s doubly important.) My long-time psychiatrist is Lucy. I find this hilarious and fitting because I played the character “Lucy” in my grade school production of You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown. My scene was the one where Lucy opens a neighborhood psychiatry booth—you know, the one where she puts up a little handwritten sign for whether the doctor is “in” or “out.” Having this real-life Lucy has literally saved my life. But while the Lucy in the play charged five cents for her services, mine charges five thousand times that. Seriously. I fully recognize that I am nothing but lucky to be able to afford my Lucy. But there are ways to find your Lucy without the sticker shock (which I outline in the Resources section in the back of the book).

Life coach. If you have the cash to lock down a life coach, this can be a great person to include in your inner circle. If I asked an executive ten years ago who had had the greatest impact on her career, the typical answers were “my college professor” or “my first boss.” Now I hear “life coach” or even “spiritual advisor” way more often. A life coach might be someone you bring into your circle later in life, once you have the resources to spend on one; or you might also decide that, financial commitment or not, it’s just not for you. Either way, there are life coaches who specialize in everything from ADHD to career issues to creativity. Many household-name executives have turned to different types of coaches and advisors throughout their careers:

• Oprah Winfrey: Oprah has attributed some of her career success—you know, that media empire—to her life coach, Martha Beck, with whom she has worked for years. As a result of her own personal experience, Oprah has been a major advocate for life coaching, regularly bringing various specialists on her show and encouraging her audience to bring on a life coach to get ahead.

• Steve Jobs: The Apple founder employed thousands of people but often listened to no one—except for a Japanese-born Zen master named Kobun Chino Otogawa. Jobs officially brought him on as a company “spiritual advisor.” Kobun presided over Jobs’ wedding and also influenced much of his design work and philosophy.

• Serena Williams: She may not be an executive, per se, but as one of the highest-paid athletes out there—male or female—she is definitely the boss. When she started to come up against injuries that kept her off the tennis court, she worked with the one and only Tony Robbins to remain focused and train through her injuries. Did it work? Well, let’s just say she has the Grand Slam victories to prove it.

Talking about getting help from people outside of the usual support system has become more accepted and therefore more popular. From Silicon Valley to Wall Street to Washington, the stigma of talking about shrinks and spirituality has been replaced with story swapping and contact sharing.

ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS

Choosing the right partner is more important than choosing the right job, because even as career opportunities come and go, your ride or die—if it’s the right one—will be the person supporting you through the whole journey (sometimes in more ways than one). Your partner should be your head cheerleader, validating your ambitions and supporting your career no matter what. I wrote a lot about this in Boss Bitch. At first, my editor said, “Lapin, this is a business book. Business books don’t talk about love and family planning.” And I said: “Exactly.”

Choosing the wrong partner can send your Emotional Wellness into a tailspin. Stress and anxiety impacts everything, especially your performance at work—and that includes stress of the romantic variety. I mean, when you’re going through a breakup, are you able to focus on work? Um, no. If the breakup was bad enough, there are probably days you are just happy to be able to focus your eyes on your computer screen.

Now obviously this category of your tribe is super-duper personal, but I’ll share a few things that I look for in a romantic partner. For the sake of this book’s thesis, let’s focus on the “need to have” qualities because those will affect your Emotional Wellness way more than “nice to have” qualities or physical characteristics like piercing blue eyes. Here’s what I look for in a S-U-P-E-R man:

• Secure. I’m talking about the emotional, not the financial kind of security here. “Attachment theory” says that people have one of three main attachment styles: secure, insecure, and avoidant. The names are pretty self-explanatory. Insecure and avoidant people are the worst for each other and secure people won’t tolerate anything else. It’s taken me a long time to feel like I am secure in my approach to relationships, and I want to be with someone else who is as well.

• Understanding. My life can get chaotic. I don’t mind a little drama (or “passion,” which is a common euphemism for it) outside my relationship, but I don’t want that volatility inside it. Having a stable partner is important because it stops me from catastrophizing a situation.

• Principled. I’m not perfect but my principles are rock solid. I want the same from my dude. We don’t need to agree on everything (who does?) but we do need to share core values for the life we live now and the life we want to build, together.

• Educated. This doesn’t mean in a book-smart sense. I value emotional and street smarts over anything someone might have learned in a classroom anyway. To me, being educated is more about being curious than well-read: collecting adventures and using them to shape your view on the world.

• Romantic. A lot of what I need, I can do for myself, but this is one thing I can’t have on my own (I like myself, I don’t like myself that much). Romance and sexual chemistry are musts in this person, otherwise they would be in another part of my crew. Frida Kahlo said it best: “Take a lover who looks at you like maybe you are magic.”

To be clear, “need to have” qualities are different than needing someone. Your partner should support you but should never be the only thing holding you up. Codependency happens when you are reliant on a relationship and your partner’s approval for your own sense of worth or identity. If you are feeling this way, ask yourself, “How empty must I be to be so full of someone else?” Then, focus on filling your self-worth back up. Remember: you can’t pour from an empty cup.

FAMILY

Your family, if you’re lucky enough to have one, can be your foundation. The best part of having a healthy family is that no one quite knows you like they do. But if your relationship with them is strained or just nonexistent, staying apart might be even better.

I included “family” here because I know that it’s a common category for many people, but the fact is that, for me, my close friends are my family. Sometimes having the same moral DNA is a stronger bond than having the same blood. After my parents’ bitter divorce and my father’s death from an overdose, I became estranged from my mother and brother; it was a lot on all of us and, honestly, enforcing the boundaries between myself and my dysfunctional family is critical for my well-being. I used to be embarrassed to talk about it, and I felt like I was alone in doing it. Of course, I’m not. Countless Super Women like Jennifer Aniston, Adele, Kate Hudson, and Meghan Markle are estranged in some way from their families. It’s not always pretty or easy but as Jeannette Walls writes in The Glass Castle, one of my favorite memoirs of all time, “everyone who is interesting has a past.”

Maybe you come from a secure, supportive family, and you can’t imagine leaving them out of your village. Great, add ’em! Or maybe you come from a tough home life and know exactly what I’m talking about (in which case, I feel for you, sister). Regardless of whether yours is a happy one or doesn’t exist at all, all families are complicated. But no matter what, your family isn’t exempt from the boundaries you set for yourself back in Step 5, and the fact that they are family doesn’t mean you have to have them in your inner circle. If they are, it should be because that’s what you’ve chosen.

CLOSE FRIENDS

It’s often said that “friends are your chosen family.” In Japanese, the term “kenzoku” means “family,” but it doesn’t just refer to blood relatives; it also includes friends. I cherish my kenzoku. But, choosing them once doesn’t mean you have to keep choosing them in perpetuity.

I don’t need to tell you that friends come and go. Some of my childhood friends have come back into my life after a long absence; I guess it’s the strong bond we formed back when our middle school world seemed as dramatic as an episode of Dawson’s Creek. Other friends, both from childhood and more recent times, I’ve lost touch with and likely will never see again.

According to psychology, there are a few factors that make people stick together:

1. History. You might have nothing in common, but you shared an experience or went through a period of time together. Especially when it’s something traumatic (ahem, like middle school), that bond is strong.

2. Shared interests and values. You like the same things. You have the same sense of humor. You have plenty to talk about, and it is easy to think of something to do together.

3. Equality. You both are equally invested in the relationship, and also equally independent (and not dependent on each other or codependent, aka you both need someone to need you). If one person is more dependent on the other, the relationship is imbalanced and can feel like a losing game of tug-of-war.

If only one out of these three things is present, it’s likely the relationship will not last. Think about it: if you have history but one person is overly dependent on the other and/or you have nothing in common, weathering long-term storms is going to be pretty tricky. At least two—but probably three—factors are necessary to have a lasting and beneficial bond. So who are your “people”? This might feel a little callous as you determine who makes the cut. Don’t forget: you have no obligation to anyone, no matter who they are and how you met, who treats you badly or doesn’t serve your greater good.

Bye, Felicias

Like your internet browser, if you open too many tabs at once, you’re going to crash. You only have so much bandwidth. Don’t waste it on shitty people.

Building a new super life will cost you your old habits and behaviors, many of which stem from bad relationships. I’ve had to make some hard cuts and sever some toxic, albeit longstanding, ties. And I came to realize that doing so was not an act of cruelty, but an act of self-care. Extracting yourself from relationships that are dragging you down will free up mental capacity you can use to focus on building those that raise you up.

SUPER WOMAN

TIP

How to Rid Your Life of Toxic People

You can tell a lot about a person by answering this simple question: How do I feel after I see so-and-so?

If your answer is anything other than “fan-fucking-tastic,” then buh-bye, so-and-so. Now, there are exceptions to this rule, like being there for a good friend who might just be going through a particularly shitty time (and acting like it). But as Super Woman Amy Poehler once said, “Anybody who doesn’t make you feel good, kick them to the curb. And the earlier you start in your life, the better.”

Here are five surefire ways to tell if someone is polluting your life:

1. They’re a drain on energy. If you dread seeing this person, or feel totally depleted after you do, they are not additive to your life. They are toxic.

2. They’re a drain on resources. Anyone who regularly exploits your generosity—whether it’s your time or actual money—is not a friend but a freeloader.

3. They’re all about the drama. Think drama just follows some people around? False. Toxic people attract negative energy, which makes them a magnet for drama. Time for a curtain call.

4. You feel the need to make excuses for them. If you find yourself making excuses for how someone behaves or treats you or others, first of all, stop, because you are enabling them and thus part of the problem; and second of all, recognize them for what they are: a negative force in your and others’ lives.

5. They make You less You. This is perhaps the scariest one of all. If you find that you are your judgiest, meanest, or most insecure self around this person, they’re not a friend. True friends make you shine brightest. Toxic people turn out the lights.

Often, toxic friendships dissolve on their own. People are lazy, and maintaining a friendship takes effort, so if you pull away, chances are that your “friend” isn’t going to chase you down. But some friends, even bad ones, won’t go quietly, and they require more of an actual breakup. If you need to let some people go, for whatever reason, here are my suggestions for making the break:

• Say nothing. Where appropriate, that’s often the loudest message of them all. Saying nothing isn’t literally nothing—if you come into contact with the person, give the most basic response you can.

• Don’t ghost. Saying nothing is not “ghosting.” If someone is regularly blowing up your phone and you’re not acknowledging them at all, then that’s not cool. If you feel pressured to give an explanation, try something like “I’m taking some time to focus on myself and my priorities.” Or “I have a lot going on right now, and won’t be able to see you.” Done. Repeat that message as often as you need to and, eventually, they’ll get the point.

• Be kind and genuine. Kindness is super underrated and being kind even to people you no longer want in your life is just the right thing to do. For better or worse, they had an impact on you and contributed to making you the Super Woman you are today. Plus: People change, situations change. Life is long and the world is small. Don’t be an asshole. You’re likely going to run into some of these people again, especially if they’re part of your larger network, and while we may not want those relationships in our lives, we don’t want bad juju, either.

Toxic people suck up your precious time (well, they just suck, too). And as I’ve said before, time is hands-down your most valuable asset. You can make more money; you can’t make more time. The more protective you are of how to spend it, the stronger your community will be and you will be stronger as a result.

Squad Goals

In the same way that we cleared our minds only to fill them with the best, most productive thoughts and actions in the last step, once you clear your friend deck, you’ll only want to invite the best, most supportive people onboard. And, yes, you can still make friends as an adult. I have. But, if you feel like it’s been a while since you’ve had to, here are some ways to fill the friend deck back up:

Sign up for classes. I’ve tried the most random classes, from horticulture to a samba dance class held in a pool. The more I forced myself out of the “Friday night out” or “Sunday brunch” routines, the more I connected with people I wouldn’t likely run into at my usual brunch spot. There’s a site I love called coursehorse.com that allows you to find and sign up for all kinds of fun classes in one place. Airbnb also offers experiences now, in addition to home rentals. If you have an idea for a class and you can’t find it, just call the business directly and see if you can take a lesson with them. I couldn’t find a class to help me create the latte art I’d always wanted (and told you about in Step 9), so I called a coffee shop and asked if they would teach me—and they did.

Find free stuff. I’ve signed up for a bunch of different newsletters that show all of the activities in my neighborhood that are free, many of which I never would have heard of otherwise. An acclaimed chef doing a demonstration at the opening of her new restaurant? A poetry reading? Tai chi in the park? Yes, please.

Join a club. No, clubs are not just for high schoolers trying to get into a good college. I’m sure there are a ton of sports clubs in your area, like softball or kickball leagues, that you could join to feel part of a community and get your sweat on as a bonus. But, beyond that, there are book clubs, language conversation clubs, and groups that get together to talk about just about everything, from Southeast Asian art to weird science. Try Meetup.com for ideas. The ones that meet to talk about stuff you never thought you would have an interest in are the best. Go hang out with those folks. And, if there’s no group already formed to talk about what you want, then go ahead and start one yourself!

Rethink your route. Think about how you can replace your inner creature of habit with a creature of curiosity. I try to walk a different street home every day in NYC. Along the way, I’ve discovered a Samurai sword fighting class, a seminar on Jewish mysticism, and met a cool homeless guy who played chess with me—and, ahem, schooled me—in the park. You don’t have to be in a walkable city to change up your route. You can find hidden gems anywhere, but only if you look for them (and not down at your phone).

Talk to everyone. Staring at your shoes or at your phone in an elevator or in line at the grocery store doesn’t help you meet new people or find potential adventures. A girlfriend of mine, who I met while we were both eating brunch alone at a counter (I say I picked her up at a bar), has a philosophy called “the hey method.” She just says, “hey!” whether it’s to a potential business partnership or a cute guy that walks by. The “hey” can end with just that. Or, it can end with a new partnership, a new boyfriend, and new unlikely buddies, like my friend Zamira, whom I met in a boxing class. She and her family fled Cuba, and the stories she told me brought everything I’d read about to life. I’ve also met a Holocaust survivor and a Special Olympian—just by saying “hey.” Take “the hey challenge.” Can you say “hey” to one stranger a day? Yes you can.

And yes we can. Fun fact: Birds don’t fly in formation just because it looks pretty to humans admiring them from below. They fly together because doing so conserves energy; the V shape they form makes the whole group more aerodynamic, cutting through the sky with less effort per bird. It also keeps them safe—it’s much harder for larger, predatory birds to take on a flock than it would be to pick off one bird flying solo. Together, in formation, birds are stronger, faster, and go farther. Together.

BOTTOM LINE

Conventional Wisdom: I can take care of myself and I don’t need anyone.

You may not “need” anyone, but to reach the heights we both know you’re capable of, you should want to build a strong network of other Super Women and Super Men with whom to enjoy the view.

Conventional Wisdom: Your family is your family no matter what. You have an obligation to them.

You are a grown-ass woman who is in charge of her own life and how she spends her precious time. The same goes for your best friend from elementary school, the gossipy bitches around the water cooler, and everyone else. People should be in your life because you want them there, and no one—not even your immediate family—has the right to drain your time and energy.

Conventional Wisdom: Making new friends is for grade school; I’m too old for that shit.

If you’re not making new friends, mentors, and professional contacts right up until you’re an old lady (and hey, as Betty White showed us, old ladies can still make new friends!), then you are seriously missing out. There are lots of ways to build out your squad. Just remember that when people show you who they are, believe them (preach, Maya Angelou!). Otherwise you can—and sometimes you must—kick those toxic friends to the curb.