Make Mindfulness Your New Superpower
Quick: What is the title of this step? You just read it. Do you need to go back and read it again? Were you thinking about what you were going to have for dinner while you were “reading” it? Or checking your phone, again (which we just went over in the last step)? Or, were you mindfully reading the title as “Be Mindful—Not Mind Full”?
Mindfulness is a buzzy concept these days, but it’s really just the practice of being aware. That’s all. It’s being aware of what you are doing when you are doing it.
Earlier in the book you outlined how you plan to spend your time. It’s one of the toughest decisions you’ll make over and over again. You could have been one hundred different places, doing one hundred different things right now. But once you’ve decided what that one place and one thing will be, this step comes in—to teach you how to fully be wherever you are and fully do whatever you’re doing.
PRESENT YOURSELF
Mindfulness is not a clinical, cold technique that involves using your “mind” unemotionally, like a calculator. In some Asian languages, the words “mind” and “heart” are actually the same word. So think of “mindfulness” as nearly interchangeable with “heartfulness.” It’s intended to help you be and feel more aware—of how you treat yourself, how you act toward others, and of your environment—so you make informed choices as to how you spend your time; choices that are in accordance with your values.
As you prepare to learn how to fill your mind with mindfulness, it helps to take a baseline of where you’re at. So, how mindful are you now?
MINDFULNESS PULSE CHECK:
1. Does your mind tend to wander during conversations that last more than ten seconds?
2. Do you spend conversations thinking about what you are going to say next instead of listening to what’s being said now?
3. Do you check your phone during conversations, use it during meetings, and keep it on the table during meals? (Ahem. Hopefully not—after the last step!)
4. Do you get from one place to another and realize you have no memory of the walk or drive you just took?
5. Do you have trouble taking one task to completion before wandering off to start something new?
6. Do you frequently make impulsive decisions or blurt out whatever comes to mind?
7. Do you get so overwhelmed by your jumble of thoughts or feelings that you feel paralyzed and unable to make decisions or articulate opinions?
This is not SAT-style scoring. The more you answered “yes” above, the more of a problem you have staying present. But that’s okay. Mindfulness is a skill—like the other steps in the book or riding a bike or applying liquid eyeliner. You can and will get better at it.
BE LIKE BEY
I’ve said this before, but I’ll remind you again because I remind myself all the time: You have the same number of hours in the day as Beyoncé. Sure, she has an army of people who help her get ready and get around, but at the end of the day, she has twenty-four hours to make the most of each day just like we do (and as I told you in Step 3, has the same struggle with burnout). In previous steps, you figured out how to make the most of those hours. Now let me tell you about another superpower of Queen B’s, one I’ve personally witnessed: Queen B knows how to just be.
How many fans do you think Beyoncé has? I’m not sure numbers even go that high. But have you ever asked one of those fans lucky enough to have met her how the Queen made them feel? Well, I will be the ultimate fangirl right now and tell you that when I met Beyoncé, she looked me in the eye and said, genuinely, “Nice to meet you.” And for the few moments we were talking, she wasn’t looking at her phone or glancing around the room, she was totally focused on the fan right in front of her: me. Which, in turn, made me even more of a fan (which I didn’t think was possible). And from what I hear, my experience is pretty much standard—she gives everyone the royal treatment. Keep that in mind as you build your own castle . . . mindfully, of course.
SUPER WOMAN
TIP
Remember Everyone’s Name
Making a note of someone’s name when you first meet them is more about mindfulness than having an airtight memory. So the next time someone introduces themselves to you at a dinner party, listen. Then repeat it back to them. Then repeat it back to yourself. Remembering someone’s name shows them you care and forges a connection with them right from the get-go; forgetting it shows the opposite. Try this:
New Friend: “Hi, Super Woman, my name is Nicole.”
You: Repeat the name “Nicole” one or two times in your head and say, “Nice to meet you, Nicole.”
New Friend: “It’s great to meet you, too . . . yada yada yada.”
You: Before the conversation heats up, think of a Nicole you already know or a household name like Nicole Kidman or Nicole Richie and associate your new friend with them. Memory experts say that the more we can familiarize ourselves with a new person within a few minutes of meeting them, the more likely we are to form a memorable bond with them. You can also find a distinguishing feature of theirs to call their name to mind, like Nicole’s moles (just maybe . . . don’t say that one out loud). Then turn back to listen closely to the conversation at hand—the real one, not the one you were just having in your head.
New Friend: “Yada, yada, yada . . . love to follow up on email.”
You: “Absolutely, Nicole.” On your way home, review the people you met at the party—including Nicole—by name, as well as what you talked about, and then follow up as promised to reinforce the new relationship, dropping in a few memorable tidbits from your conversation to show her that you valued her time, and also to further reinforce your memory of the exchange.
If remembering names is a challenge for you, the problem probably isn’t retention. It’s mindfulness. In fact, being present is the number-one tip all memory experts give when helping people remember names. Your own name is said to be the most powerful sound you can hear. Imagine being in a crowded concert hall with sensory overload and someone calls out your name. What will stand out the most? The band? The crowd? Nope—your name. So what’s in a name, Juliet? Actually, a lot.
Attention is time, and time is money. We’ve all wished there were more hours in the day. Paying attention to how you spend your time and making the people you spend it with feel priceless is the closest you’ll get to finding them.
Arianna Huffington, founder of the Huffington Post and CEO of Thrive Global, talks a lot about “sleeping your way to the top.” While I’m all about taking care of yourself and incorporating ample sleep into the schedule you established back in Step 6, the truth is that it takes a lot of waking hours to get ahead, especially early on in your career. You can’t take over the world when you’re fast asleep. But what if you set out making your waking hours more mindful instead? By making every single hour count, you may just find that those long days feel shorter—and become more productive.
MIND YOUR Ps
Being present is at the core of being mindful. Mindfulness changes the way you see, hear, touch, smell, and taste. It will change the way you interact with people. It will change your mood and productivity. It’s the most readily available game changer there is—and one that most people forget about the moment they hop out of bed and, especially, when they step into work mode.
Mindfulness techniques help us to slow down and act more intentionally in the face of constant distraction. There are stacks on stacks on stacks of books dedicated to the art of staying present and mindful in various areas of your life. Mindful eating is a big category, for example; simply paying attention to your food and how you feel while you eat—instead of watching TV or scrolling through your phone—will make a difference in your eating habits faster than anything else. But we rarely talk about “mindfulness at work.”
The mindfulness principles I’ve learned have been most helpful for me in my career. Becoming more mindful in every area of my life has yielded some of my greatest business ideas, insights, and wins. And I’m going to give you a simple framework you can use to become a mindfulness master yourself. After all, we’re called human beings, not human doings. Learn to be, first and foremost, and the doing will come.
You know I love me some alliteration every chance I get. So, ta-da! I hereby present the three Ps of Mindfulness:
Pause. Take a beat. Take a breath.
Process. What are you feeling? What is actually happening—not in your imagination but in reality?
Pounce. Now that you know what is happening, determine the best thing to do in response. Then do it.
Whether it’s planning proactively or problem-solving (a few more Ps for the alliteration win!), pausing to process a situation helps you pounce more thoughtfully—and ultimately more successfully. But while the cutesy alliteration might make this seem easy peasy, it’s not. The words are simple; the implementation takes serious practice.
A CAUSE TO PAUSE
Pausing is a skill. It’s one of the most important ones in charting the direction of your career. That’s because that direction is ultimately made up of all your individual decisions. Every day we make some thousands of them. Every big decision we make is made up of thousands of other baby decisions. And before making those decisions, whether with your mind or your gut, you have to pause.
Often, we don’t even realize we are making a decision, much less that we are pausing before it. Research shows that pausing for fifty to one hundred milliseconds helps the brain focus on the information relevant for the decision while blocking out distractions. You can pause for a millisecond, or you can pause for a week. Sometimes the decision (soup or salad?) doesn’t matter, so neither does the pause. But the more important the decision, the more important that pause becomes.
I am queen of the knee-jerk reaction. Saying whatever comes to mind works fine with people who already know and love my quirky self, but it’s gotten me into trouble with work folks. And it’s something I’ve really had to work on.
For a long time, I was uncomfortable whenever there was a pause in a conversation. Another verbal jab or sparring opener would fly out of my mouth to fill the space. Being a news anchor for so long, I dreaded any dead air. But these pauses encourage people to open up and make room for creative ideas and thoughtful responses. When I stopped trying to medal in verbal gymnastics, I realized that sometimes, silence really is golden.
Now, it’s one thing to be mindful during calm, friendly conversations. It’s another thing when you’re feeling frustration or anger toward someone. It’s easy to say you will pause the next time you find yourself ready to go on the offensive or about to have a panic attack. But once you’re faced with it, pausing can feel impossible. So, don’t face the pause on your own. Enter: your mindfulness guardian angel.
Sometimes, when I’m pausing, I ask myself: What Would Ellen Do? No, not Ellen DeGeneres, although she is awesome. My bestie, Ellen, is the most positive person I know. She has the purest values, morals, and intentions. So, whenever I start feeling a devilish impulse, I think about what my real-life guardian angel Ellen would do, and then I do that instead. For example, if I’m considering firing off a nasty email in response to a message that seems unfair, I’ll pause instead, think about what Ellen would do, and then pick up the phone to call the person to talk through the miscommunication. Pausing to think of Ellen reminds me to be more mindful of my actions and how they will help or hurt the situation. So, who is your Ellen?
FYI
The HALT System recognizes that when you’re Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired, you’re most likely to make poor decisions. Don’t let these negative stressors trigger the wrong choice. If you’re HALT, then halt decision-making until you’re not.
Pausing during tense times gets a lot easier once you make it a habit. Try putting up a reminder note listing the 3 Ps, somewhere you’re likely to see it before you shoot off an email you’ll regret, like on your computer screen. Then keep your emotions from taking over by noticing what’s going on physically—your body, your breath. Try the “BFF method” where you simply breathe and feel your feet. Unclench your hands and jaw. Relax your face muscles, palms, and tummy. Get out of your head. Tap into your senses with the “5, 4, 3, 2, 1” method: notice five things you see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. Get up. Walk around. I often take a little ride up and down in the elevator for a breather. The motion and the people watching takes the edge off and gives me the pause I need to move on to the next step: processing what’s happening and deciding what I should do about it.
SUPER WOMAN
TIP
Ice, Ice Baby
There’s a reason you see professional athletes chilling in huge tubs of ice on the sidelines at halftime; it’s not just to bring down swelling from the hits taken on the field. Ice has a real physiological benefit. It brings your heart rate back to normal quickly and redirects your blood where it’s needed the most: to your heart and internal organs. Holding an ice cube is often recommended by therapists as a grounding exercise—the physical sensation of shocking cold is so intense that it demands your attention and forces you into the present (and out of your own head). You can cool yourself down with an ice cube, or by pressing a cold washcloth or chilled drink from the vending machine against your skin. If you’re at home, take a cold shower or fill a large bowl with icy water and submerge your face for a few moments. I’m serious: when you’re heated, ice does wonders for your body and your mind.
TRUST THE PROCESS
Let’s say a deal you’ve been working on for months just imploded. And you’re on the verge of doing so yourself. You’re spinning, overwhelmed. You find it in you to pause before rattling off a nasty email or bursting into tears at your desk. But, you still feel out of control—so what do you do now?
Process. Name the emotions.
It might not seem like a big deal to explicitly say “I am angry,” but it is. When you are breathless and flustered, the events feel too chaotic to explain and the emotions feel too heightened to describe. Forcing yourself to articulate exactly what you are feeling makes it more manageable to process.
Naming is a major part of mindfulness. Neurological studies have shown that when you’re experiencing an emotion, describing it in a few words actually reduces that emotion. When you give a name to the awfulness that’s taking you over, you give yourself some much-needed distance from it.
And when it comes to naming emotions, you actually don’t have many options. As I learned throughout the many behavioral seminars I’ve taken, there are really just five core emotions to choose from: anger, disgust, fear, happiness, sadness. These five are brought to life in Inside Out, one of the greatest Disney movies since The Little Mermaid. Super Woman Mindy Kaling, who played the voice of Disgust in the movie, said she broke down in tears when she first read the script. She said, “I think it’s really beautiful that [Disney] is making a story that tells kids it’s difficult to grow up and that it’s okay to be sad about it.”
Of course, we are growing up at every age (because growing old is mandatory but growing up is optional), and it can always be tricky to name your emotions, especially when you’re in crisis mode. You can also be feeling more than one of the five at a time. But there’s no quota, so name all of them. And while this looks like a chart you’d see at the doctor’s office, I’ve found it helpful when emotions feel jumbled and difficult for me to articulate.
ANGER
Feelings to describe anger: Infuriated, insecure, jealous, threatened, skeptical, frustrated, distant, hurt, critical, violated
Physical changes and expressions of anger: Muscles tightening; hands clenching; feeling your face flush or get hot; feeling like you’re going to explode; wanting to hit someone, bang the wall, or throw something
Effects of anger: Narrowing attention, attending only to the situation that’s making you angry; ruminating about the situation making you angry or about situations in the past; imagining future situations that will make you angry
DISGUST
Feelings to describe disgust: Disapproval, loathing, disappointed, hesitant, judgmental, avoidance, aversion, revulsion
Physical changes and expressions of disgust: Decreased heart rate; wrinkling your nose and/or sticking out your tongue; nausea; body chills; wanting to turn or run away
Effects of disgust: Difficulty making rational decisions; focusing purely on removing yourself from the situation or thing making you disgusted; dehumanizing the object of your disgust
FEAR
Feelings to describe fear: Anxious, insecure, submissive, rejected, humiliated, scared, overwhelmed, worried, inadequate, worthless
Physical changes and expressions of fear: Quickened heart rate; shortness of breath; heightened awareness; jitters; sweaty palms and feet; headaches; stomachaches; nausea
Effects of fear: Inability to make important decisions; irrational or unethical thinking; reacting impulsively
HAPPINESS
Feelings to describe happiness: Optimistic, powerful, peaceful, accepted, proud, interested, joyful, confident, loving, playful
Physical changes and expressions of happiness: Smiling or laughing; quickened heart rate; urge to run or jump; warmth in the face and extremities; sensation of lightness
Effects of happiness: Focusing on the moment at hand; appreciation for what you have; appreciation for yourself and those in your life; confidence in your abilities
SADNESS
Feelings to describe sadness: Guilty, abandoned, despair, lonely, bored, ignored, inferior, apathetic, empty, ashamed
Physical changes and expressions of sadness: Feeling tired, run-down, or low energy; feeling lethargic/wanting to stay in bed all day; feeling empty; difficulty swallowing; crying; breathlessness or dizziness
Effects of sadness: Blaming or criticizing yourself; sleeping and eating too much or too little; yearning for something else
Naming what you’re really feeling the most can change your response to an event. Let’s say a friend forgot your birthday. At first you might feel irritated (angry) and want to lash out. But, upon further emotion naming, you might also discover that you are feeling abandoned (sad) and, instead, call her up for a heart-to-heart conversation about it. Recognizing emotions helps you respond appropriately in a way you’re proud (happy) of.
I know that emotions feel like they will last forever (take it from the girl who has been told her entire life that she “holds on to things too long” or “can’t shake it”). But, while emotions are a complex biochemical process in the body, not a subjective feeling, they are programmed to only last thirty to forty seconds if played out. Think about how fast a baby can go from giggly to hysterically crying. We are prewired to shift emotional states very quickly. But you can’t just make an emotion “go away.” Trying to do that only makes it last longer and makes you focus on it more. The best way to get back to a “baby’s mind” (or “beginner’s mind” as mindfulness gurus call it) as an adult is to name the emotion to tame it. The more you resist acknowledging it, the more it persists.
There’s an inner tape (or MP3) for all of us that’s cued every time we are triggered by emotions. Most of the tracks are negative, which makes sense if you remember the “negativity bias” I brought up in Step 1 and notice that only one of the five named emotions is positive. My biggest hit is, “How did I fuck that up? I fucked up my life.” Mindfulness helps us hear the track even if it’s old vinyl from the past, but balance helps us change it. To play a different tune, you must have other tunes to play. Throughout the rest of the book, we’ll talk more about how you can create more positivity in your life and thereby more positive jams to dance to. There will always be shitty songs. If you want to take them off repeat, you need to have a new beat to bring in. But, first, you have to record it.
FYI
Your body is designed to help you if you let it. The heart secretes something called atrial natriuretic peptide (ANP). It is the primary way to combat cortisol (a distress hormone) in the body. I know it’s the most annoying thing to hear when you’re upset, but, actually, the best way to initiate ANP is to smile. Forced smiles count, too, as they often turn into real ones. So dig deep for a smile, a giggle, or a whistle—your body can actually trick your mind into lifting your mood.
“Just leave the emotion out of it” is common business advice, especially for women, but I couldn’t disagree more. When someone asks me, “How do you feel about being a woman in business?” I often say, “a lot.” Now, part of that is just my usual smart assery, but I do strongly believe that you don’t need to be an ice queen to be a Super Woman. One of the most helpful, not hurtful, things about being a woman in business is our ability to use our “female” traits like empathy, patience, and vulnerability. These traits that are inherently emotional can be our greatest superpowers if we view them that way. They give us a naturally higher EQ, half of the Emotional Wellness equation (remember, emotional intelligence + mental wellness = Emotional Wellness).
Think It Through
In addition to naming emotions, part of processing is labeling the thoughts you have, especially the recurring ones. As with emotions, labeling your thoughts helps you get some perspective on them when they feel all-consuming. I imagine those thoughts as logs floating along a river. I see each one and give it a shout-out: “Hey, what’s up ‘obsessing over the ex’?” or “Oh, hello again ‘self doubt’!” I name my thoughts and let them keep rolling down the river, even if there is a whole forest of them.
Sometimes you have to wait and watch for a while, but eventually you’ll see a different kind of log come along. “Hey, it’s ‘reveling in my amazing accomplishment’ and ‘grateful for my kick-ass friends!’ ” Take note of each and every thought as it comes down the line, and you’ll begin to see how they all come together to build the beautiful, strong structure that is you—‘obsessing over the ex’ included. Mindfulness hinges on the acceptance of yourself for who you are and where you are at that moment. Whatever you are feeling or thinking, observe it honestly and don’t hate on yourself.
CONFESSIONS
OF A SUPER WOMAN
Don’t Talk About My Friend Like That
“My television career is over,” I huffed as I plopped into William’s chair for an “air cut” (what I call my trims).
“I doubt that,” William said calmly, like the amateur shrink all good hairdressers are.
Over more than a decade, William has become more than just my hair stylist, colorist, and extension coiffeur extraordinaire. In fifteen years, I’ve lived in ten cities: Los Angeles, Chicago, Philadelphia, Palm Springs, Sioux Falls, Lexington, San Francisco, Paris, Atlanta, and New York. Every time I move, I find new people, but I never cheat on my longtime golden highlight master, William. If I have roots that are five inches long, then I will have roots that are five inches long until I can see William again. (Ombre is in anyway, right?)
“No, it is. I’m so stupid, I can’t believe I butchered that equation for compounding interest on-air. How could I have done that? It’s not the producer’s fault; it was my responsibility to check before going on. I’m such an idiot. They are never going to have me on again and my credibility is shot. People who saw the segment are already writing bad reviews for my book . . . Did you know you can review something on Amazon that you didn’t even buy?! That’s so fucked up. My book sales are going to tank and I’m done.”
“I watched the segment—your hair looked great, at least,” William said with a laugh, trying to lighten the mood.
“It’s not funny, William. I’ll be marching my golden locks down to the unemployment line. I’m so mad at myself,” I said, nervously picking at my nails and scrolling through my phone. “I suck.”
“Okay, stop talking about my friend like that!” William snapped at me suddenly, clicking the scissors in the air to get me to look at him in the mirror instead of incessantly checking for backlash online.
“Wait, who? What?” I said, confused and on the verge of tears. “Which friend?”
“You! My friend is brilliant, passionate, and kind. She doesn’t suck. She is not an idiot. And I’m not going to let you talk about my friend like that.”
As I looked him in the eye, I started to understand.
“Would you just stand by and let someone say I sucked?!” William asked, pointing the scissors at me in the mirror.
“No.”
“Exactly. And I’m not going to stand around and let someone say you suck, even if it’s you.”
I paused. William had all the power—after all, he was holding scissors next to my head.
“Okay, just don’t get mad at the hair,” I said, half-smiling.
“Your career isn’t over,” he said, returning to my air cut. “You’ll have hundreds of other appearances. You made a mistake. You’re doing way too much and there’s no way all of it can be one hundred percent. You’re brilliant, but you’re also human. You’ll say you’re sorry and clarify. You’ll have hundreds of good reviews and those few haters aren’t going to matter. Okay?”
I cut short my self-hating diatribe. It seemed that if I didn’t have anything nice to say about myself, I shouldn’t say anything at all. So I didn’t.
I was quiet for the rest of my time in the chair that night, maybe the most silence William had ever gotten from me before. And the most he has gotten since, because by the next time I saw him, I had made up with his “friend.”
I have a long track record of catastrophizing work problems, making them feel more dire than they actually are. (BTW, the word “catastrophizing” comes from “catastrophe,” which means “a momentous tragic event ranging from extreme misfortune to utter overthrow or ruin.” When was the last time you were truly on the verge of utter overthrow or ruin? Right. Me neither.) If something didn’t go my way or I made a mistake, I would leap to the conclusion that I’d become broke and homeless. Seriously. Now, that wasn’t realistic or rational, but that’s what the voice inside my head told me.
For example, let’s say I lost a TV development deal I’d been working on for six months.
Here’s how my supercritical inner voice would describe what happened: I failed. I disappointed myself and my team. I lost a TV development deal I’d been working on for six months. This deal was going to make or break the company. This will give us a bad reputation of not closing deals, and others won’t want to work with us. I will have to let go of awesome people who have families to support, and I won’t be able to support myself. I won’t be able to afford rent, and because I don’t have parents to bail me out when I’m in trouble, I will end up homeless.
If I cut out all the editorializing from that description, the truth remained just the third sentence: I lost a TV development deal I’d been working on for six months.
Do you do this kind of catastrophizing? Not sure? Once you have processed your feelings and thoughts, you need to process the situation. And just like with them, this means describing it accurately. Write out the story of something bad that happened to you recently. Go back and cross out all the self-judgment, which is basically like breaking your own heart, so let’s not do that. Then take out the hypothetical worst-case scenarios you are inserting into that story. What’s left? Those are the facts.
A THREE-STEP PROCESS TO PROCESS ANY SITUATION
First: Fact find. Don’t sensationalize what happened. For example, let’s say your coworker got a promotion. That’s what you write down. You don’t write down anything about how they are the worst and your boss hates you and you got hosed. Just the facts, ma’am. If you’re looking to figure out past situations, keep in mind that memories come with our own confirmation bias, which causes our brain to store information that’s consistent with our own beliefs and values. We are our own mini echo chamber, which makes it even more important to tune in to the facts.
Second: Check the facts. Check those facts against the list of what’s awesome in your life that we put together back in Step 2. Did the event jeopardize anything on there? Most likely it didn’t. Then ask yourself: “Does my emotional response fit the facts?” Your feelings—anger, disgust, sadness, etc.—are valid, but if you are having a total meltdown over a coworker getting a promotion, the magnitude of your response is probably out of proportion to what actually happened. Mindfulness helps us figure out the difference between the underlying stress and the distress we create on top of it.
Third: Imagine. I know, I know, your point of view is super important and it’s special because it’s yours. But even if it’s the last thing you want to do, try to look at the situation from other perspectives. Are there any upsides? Are your emotions the result of assumptions that aren’t based in reality? For instance, if you responded to your coworker’s promotion with the thought “my boss hates me,” consider whether you can think of other explanations for her decision. Often we think that we “know” what someone else is thinking. But unless you’re a psychic, you don’t. You only know what you are thinking. If you want to know what someone else is thinking, ask them. Don’t give a thousand-dollar response to a nickel event by imagining conflict or catastrophes that may not even exist.
SUPER WOMAN
TIP
Check In with Yourself
When you feel like the world is ending, check in with yourself about it, and ask yourself questions to figure out if it really, truly is. Seriously.
Say you get into this funk right before you need to go to sleep. Ask yourself: What is happening right now?
Then answer: Well, I am lying in bed. There is a sheet below me and a fluffy comforter on top of me. I am wiggling my toes and cracking my ankles.
Does that sound like the world is ending? Are you about to get attacked by a bear or smashed by a boulder??
No, there is no bear. There is no boulder. I guess the world is not technically ending right now.
Okay, good. Stop cracking your ankles and go to sleep.
Our imaginations have the power to create and destroy. Yours can paint a picture of you running the world, or of being crushed by the weight of it. Mindfulness helps us remember that things are often scarier in our imagination than reality.
When your brain thinks you’re in danger, it automatically goes into fight-or-flight mode as a survival skill. Essentially, if your body thinks there’s a threat or you’re under attack or under acute stress, it prepares to fight or flee the perceived danger. This is actually a quite useful response if something legitimately life-threatening is going on. But just because it happens automatically, it doesn’t mean it’s accurate or appropriate. For example, you could have the same fight-or-flight response (some include freeze as a third option) if you’re being held captive or if you’re scared to speak in front of a crowd. Mindfulness helps you determine which is life-threatening and which is not so that you can choose how best to react instead of being a slave to your fight-or-flight response.
GET READY TO POUNCE
Decision fatigue is a real thing, what with those 35,000 we have to make each and every day. Iced or Hot? Tall or grande? Two pumps or three? One shot or two? Coconut milk or almond? For here or to go? Credit or debit? And that’s just coffee.
My ex-boyfriend used to ask me if I wanted to watch an actual movie during our usual movie nights together. That’s because I would watch every single preview on Apple TV, paralyzed by indecision, and end up not picking anything, finally leaving it up to him, hours in, rather than face the prospect of choosing the “wrong” movie. What’s the worst that could have happened? I’d choose a movie, hate it, and then watch it to the end? Stop it halfway through if it was really bad? We all want to make the right decision, but the worst decision is always not deciding at all and watching previews all night.
Ordering coffee and picking movies are relatively low-stakes choices, but this also holds true with the higher-stakes decisions that life throws our way. You don’t need all of the information, just enough to make a decision and move on. Indecision can be your own prison. As Super Woman Anna Wintour says, “Even if I’m completely unsure, I’ll pretend I know exactly what I’m talking about and make a decision.” If the Queen of Vogue and the Met Gala can fake it ’til she makes it with decision-making, then, sister, you can, too.
So, after you’ve paused and processed, it’s time to decide how you are going to pounce. To do this, you need to know three things:
1. What exactly you are deciding?
2. What are your options?
3. What do you want the ultimate outcome to be?
Here’s a hypothetical: You just had your annual review and you didn’t get the promotion you were expecting.
No judgment here on your emotions, but your pounce shouldn’t be driven by them. If you let emotions drive you, you might leave the job without a plan, telling your boss off on your way out. Maybe you’ll still do that, but that’s not a trivial “tall or grande” decision. Mindfulness techniques can help you see the big picture.
So, during your pause and process time, you manage to avoid storming out of the office in order to identify what you are feeling and find the facts of the situation. Now it’s time to pounce.
1. You are deciding: Should I stay at this job?
2. Your options are: stay and try to get a promotion next year; stay and plot an exit; leave with no plan; leave with a plan.
3. You want the ultimate outcome to be: earn six figures.
As you look at your pouncing options, it’s natural to want to make a Pros/Cons list for each. The instinct is a good one, but I think it’s a bad idea to make a list that assigns the same weight to each point. Why would “Sticks it to my boss” as a Pro carry the same weight as “Can no longer feed my family” as a Con?!
This is why you should upgrade to the Super Pros/Cons list, which I created to help you make super tough decisions. Instead of just listing Pros and Cons in opposing columns and then counting them up against each other, this version is weighted to help you make a, well, weighty decision. Think about it: the considerations that go into making a big decision are not all equal. Some are deal breakers, while others are merely inconvenient. So assigning those considerations equal weight can lead to skewed results “for” or “against.” For the Pro category, you assign up to +5 points according to importance. For the Con category, you assign down to −5 points depending on how serious that concern is.
Let’s make a Super Pros/Cons list for the option to “Stay and plot an exit.”
Super Pros:
1. Keeps my income steady +5
2. Gives me more time to think about my next move +3
3. Doesn’t violate my contract +4
Super Cons:
1. I will still have to deal with the shithead who didn’t give me a promotion. −3
2. I won’t do my best work because I will be distracted thinking about my next move. −5
3. I will have the same workspace that I’ve had for the last three years. −1
The Super Pros add up to +12.
The Super Cons add up to −9.
This Super Pros/Cons list is +3 in favor of the Pros—so the “stay and plot an exit” stays on the list.
Not only does this give you a “yes” or “no” for each option, it also helps you see how overwhelming that “yes” or “no” is. And at the end, because you don’t give “keeps my income steady” and “I will have the same workspace that I’ve had for the last three years” the same heft, you will have an overall picture that is more representative of the weight of your deciding factors.
Once you have evaluated all of your options, you might have a couple finalists. Sometimes the best way to choose a winner is to flip your desired “ultimate outcome” and do a “reverse brainstorm.” Maybe you’ve hit a wall trying to think of the best way to reach your goal. So, instead, think of ways not to reach your goal.
This is a reverse brainstorm for how to “not earn six figures”:
1. Have no job
2. Get really sick
3. Have to take care of someone and be unable to work
If your true objective is to “earn six figures,” then you won’t get there if you have no job, so, at least for now, you have to pounce on a choice that includes having a job, unless you change what you want the ultimate outcome to be. So, in this case, that would likely leave you with “stay and plot an exit” and “leave with a plan” as the best options. Notice that these two options are not mutually exclusive; from this exercise, it now becomes clear that you could stay at your current job while locking down a really solid plan for the next one, instead of up and quitting with only a half-baked plan in the works. Gradually adjust your efforts at work to, say, 80 percent, so that you have more time and bandwidth outside of work to research higher-paying opportunities, apply to jobs, and go on interviews. Then, once the right opportunity comes through, you’ll be ready to pounce!
When I look back at my own story, it’s full of moments that I’m not particularly proud of. Have I failed to pause in the past? For sure. Have I pounced too recklessly? Absolutely. I remind myself that if I had known then what I know now, the outcome would likely have been different. But, I also try and remember that because I do indeed know more now, I should have better outcomes from now on.
A Super Woman tries everything in her power to live a life she’s proud of. If you find that you’re not living that way, you can always start all over again, just like we talked about in Step 2. But once you are living your super life, make sure you’re really present for every minute of it—after all, you only get one.
BOTTOM LINE
Conventional Wisdom: Emotions don’t belong in the workplace.
There’s nowhere to check your emotions at the door, so you’ve gotta bring those babies in with you. Mindfulness helps you keep them in check and, in fact, use them to work toward your goals and get ahead.
Conventional Wisdom: I can’t force myself to be happy.
You sure can. You might think that smiling, whistling, humming, and dancing are things you do because you’re happy. But it also works the other way around. Science shows that forcing yourself to smile, whistle, hum, or dance during stressful times can create a self-fulfilling happiness prophecy. You can also touch yourself (not like that). Try patting yourself on the back, literally, or giving yourself a hug or holding your own hand. This has a similar effect on your mood as you’d get from someone else patting you on your back, giving you a hug, or holding your hand.
Conventional Wisdom: Making a Pros/Cons list helps me make decisions.
When faced with a decision that is weighing on you, give it the weight it deserves with a Super Pros/Cons list. This gives you the most accurate picture of what your decision should be.
Conventional Wisdom: I need to respond and make decisions right away.
Two things in life you’ll never regret: 1) a good workout and 2) waiting a little while before sending an email or making an important decision.