Becoming Super Woman

Checking in with yourself is about first observing. Channel your inner Jane Goodall, the trailblazing anthropologist who produced the world’s most important research on primates. Jane didn’t go into the jungle and say “good chimpanzee” or “bad chimpanzee.” She didn’t judge. She observed. And out of those observations came incredible insights not only into primates but into human nature as well. It’s in our nature to be curious, so regularly channel that curiosity into checking up on the evolution of your super self.

We stay on top of all kinds of other regular appointments: our monthly mani/pedis, our quarterly work reviews, our yearly pap smears. Staying on top of what makes us Super Women takes just as much—if not more—maintenance. Yet it’s not something that shows up on our calendars as often, and if it does, it’s likely the first thing to get canceled when your schedule gets chaotic. But here’s the thing: life will always have some level of chaos, and caring for yourself is the best way to manage it.

“Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.” Note that the Declaration of Independence says we have the right to “the pursuit of happiness” and not just “happiness.” That’s because happiness itself is not a right or a given but a constant, ongoing process. In this step, I’m going to show you how to check in with yourself on the regular to make sure you’re maintaining your Emotional Wellness. And, if you find yourself slipping, I’ll tell you the best ways to troubleshoot with self-care routines and rituals so that you get back on track. If you don’t want to make the struggle real, you’ve got to make the pursuit real.

CHECKING IN ON YOURSELF

Making time for your Emotional Wellness is something only you can do. Sure, your tribe of supporters can help you stick to a healthy schedule, but only you can manage your calendar in a way that allows for the practice of self-care every single day. And only you can know if you haven’t done that—and if you’re starting to feel the effects.

FIVE SIGNS YOU MIGHT NEED A MENTAL HEALTH DAY:

1. You’re anxious. Maybe you’re too worried to concentrate, or you even have physical symptoms like chest tightness, abdominal pain, shortness of breath, or sweaty palms. If you’re feeling particularly uneasy and you’re having a hard time snapping out of it, it might be a good day to take some quiet time to yourself to nip a potential anxiety attack in the bud.

2. You’re Miss Testy. If you’re so on edge that you’re getting into it with your family, friends, or coworkers for no apparent reason, it could be that your nerves are fried or fired up and you’re mentally short circuiting. Spending a day off the grid could unwind some of the aggro tension.

3. You just can’t seem to perk up. If you’ve downed a cup of coffee, a latte, iced tea, and green tea, and you’re still feeling sluggish, then it’s likely time to step away from the hustle and the caffeine. When you feel like you’re moving in slow motion, take extra care to get hydrated . . . like a whole day minus caffeine and plus eight glasses of water.

4. You’re so tired . . . but you can’t sleep. The part of the brain that interprets our thoughts and feelings is very sensitive to the impact of sleep deprivation. Unfortunately, stress can make it hard to sleep, leaving you exhausted in the morning. Sure, we’d all love another thirty minutes in the am. That’s not a reason for a mental health day, but true exhaustion is.

5. You’re constantly sick. One day it’s the sniffles, the next day it’s a headache. Maybe you just can’t catch a break when it comes to physical ailments. Or maybe you’re running yourself into the ground. Taking a breath and a day off will likely do more for your immune system than another Z-Pak.

Chronically feeling any one of these things is reason enough to pump the brakes and give yourself time to recalibrate. Of course, it would be nice if checking in with yourself was as simple as shaking a Magic 8 Ball and waiting for the answer to swim to the surface. But just like with an actual Magic 8 Ball, the results aren’t always clear. I just feel . . . off, you might find yourself thinking. That’s your “gut” talking.

But can you trust your gut? If you can’t yet, that’s okay—your “gut” or “intuition” is not magic, it’s a skill that you can work on and improve. Even if you’ve never thought about it before, you have a head start. Years of research have shown that women typically have stronger intuitive skills than men because, back in the day, we needed them to keep our children alive without thermometers, doctors, and all the medical knowledge we have now. Plus, we’ve already talked about many of the tools that have been shown to boost your brain’s intuitive superpowers, namely mindfulness, meditation, and manifestation from Steps 8 and 9. Continue to strengthen your intuition by paying attention to your body’s own signals and trusting that it’s in need of extra self-care.

GUT CHECK

Neuroscience shows that our brains do this thing called “chunking”—taking different pieces of information from previous experiences that are similar to the current situation and then guiding us quickly toward a decision. The result is your intuition. It’s a complex feeling that actually comes from pattern recognition in your brain. So, to train your gut, you have to train your brain. (Fun fact: in Eastern medicine, your gut is considered your “second brain.”)

THREE WAYS TO INVEST IN YOUR INTUITION

1. Be sensitive to your senses. Sight, smell, hearing, taste, and touch are the five conventional senses. As you go about your day, take the time to notice all that you can with these five senses. Doing so can heighten your sensitivity to your sixth sense: intuition. This is the sense that runs your current situation against others you’ve experienced in the past to help you to make an informed choice. So, the more information you gather from your environment, the more your pattern-seeking intuition has to go on.

2. Test your gut. Do a little A/B testing of your own. Have a feeling about which duo will get eliminated next from your favorite dance competition show? Getting a sense that it will rain tomorrow even though the weather forecast says it won’t? Do you just know that creepy guy in accounting is up to no good? Write these feelings or predictions down, then check them later. Were you right or wrong? Try to identify the factors that led you to make the prediction you did.

3. Listen to your body. Your intuition speaks to you through your body, and the more you cultivate awareness of your body—called “somatic awareness”—the more sensitive you become. If you get a distinct physical feeling when you’re trying to make a decision, pay attention. Do you feel light or heavy? Have a sick feeling in your gut? Overtaken by chills and goose bumps? Note these inbound messages from your sixth sense and use them to identify the right decisions by looking for the choices that feel right to you.

FYI

Tons of successful people attribute their success to intuition. In fact, the ultimate investing Super Man, Warren Buffett, relies on intuition heavily. He doesn’t begin a potential investment by looking at a company’s numbers; instead, he follows those companies that resonate with him, and then looks at their numbers to make a final decision. Listening to his instincts, he’s profited wildly from big swings in the market, investing in companies like Coca-Cola and See’s Candies, when others were fearful. Buffett’s intuition keeps him away from complicated tech stuff—instead he gravitates toward great American staples that he understands. His philosophy stems from two basic tenets: “know yourself” and “know your business.” (And, by “basic tenets,” I mean “tenets that made him billions and billions of dollars.”)

Similarly, grand masters in chess develop strong intuition about their best next move (and the ten moves after that) only after years of study and practice. They use reason to make sure the move is safe, but they rely first on the intuition they’ve developed through experience and pattern recognition. After all, there are too many possible moves in chess for it to be played any other way.

The most valuable knowledge you can get from a super strong intuition is an accurate reading of yourself. Learning to trust yourself is about being able to read the board objectively and then thinking ahead. The queen is the most powerful piece on the board—but only if she knows her next move and why she’s making it.

TAKE A MENTAL HEALTH DAY

The concept of taking a “mental health day” is pretty widespread, and becoming more and more accepted (it’s even legally protected, in most cases, as a totally acceptable reason to take a sick day). But being familiar with the concept isn’t the same as embracing it for yourself. Do you ever take a mental health day when you need one? And, if you do, do you tell others that’s what it is?

You should. Case in point: A few years back, a woman in Michigan named Madalyn Parker emailed her boss and coworkers saying, “Hey, team, I’m taking today and tomorrow to focus on my mental health. Hopefully I’ll be back next week refreshed and back to 100%.”

The CEO of the company (granted, it was a small company, but still) wrote her back: “Hey, Madalyn, I just wanted to personally thank you for sending emails like this. Every time you do, I use it as a reminder of the importance of using sick days for mental health—I can’t believe this is not standard practice at all organizations. You are an example to us all, and help cut through the stigma so we can bring our whole selves to work.”

Madalyn shared the exchange on social media and broke the internet, with people thanking her for being unapologetic and honest about using her personal time for mental health and calling her company’s CEO the “Boss of the Year.” Hey, I agree. Ben Congleton, you get my vote. But the internet explosion only highlighted the need for more of us to be brave enough to advocate for ourselves.

FYI

You don’t have to be a lawyer or consultant to think of yourself as having billable hours. Remember, the personal/vacation days that you take or leave on the table are all part of your overall compensation package. Use this simple equation to figure out just how valuable those mental health days are:

Your annual salary / Total hours worked

= Your hourly wage

Notice that the more of your hard-earned days off that you actually take off, the higher that hourly wage climbs.

Ignoring your mental health can be costly for yourself and your career; look at taking a day off when needed as an investment in both. And, if you’re a manager, empower those who work with or under you to take the time they need, too. Meg Whitman, the former CEO of eBay and Hewlett-Packard, is one of a growing number of executives who are reminding companies of the importance of providing mental health days, extended insurance coverage for mental health, and more open forums to talk about issues. And that’s not just because she’s a good person; it’s good business. Depression alone, whether situational or chronic, costs US companies an estimated $210 billion a year—yes, BILLION, with a big “B”—half of which is in workplace costs including missed days and reduced productivity and performance.

While all bosses should follow Meg and Ben’s lead and be open to their employees taking mental health days, I am well aware that many of them are not. The key to asking for a day off is to not be wishy-washy or embarrassed about it. Be assertive about what you need. If you know that asking for a “mental health day” won’t go over well, don’t fake a cold or lie. Instead, go with “personal reasons.” And leave it at that. Your employer cannot ethically or even legally ask for more information.

TROUBLESHOOTING TOOLS

Let’s say you’ve checked in with yourself and identified an issue. Are you able to self-soothe as your first line of defense? Rituals and routines are the go-to soothers to boost your Emotional Wellness in a time of need. These are self-care tools that you establish ahead of time and that you can put to use quickly when you need ’em to get yourself back in action. Sure, just playing hooky every once in a while and winging a spontaneous night or day off sounds like fun, and it is. But, being too unstructured with your self-care may have been what got you to the point of troubleshooting in the first place.

CREATE YOUR OWN RITUALS

No, I’m not talking about breaking out the candles and crystals here. The kind of rituals I’m talking about creating are unique to you. With mindful repetition, they offer comfort and familiarity to even the craziest of days, serving as an antidote to anxiety and stress.

Think of rituals like daily gifts to yourself (and, sure, you can give yourself candles and crystals but only if you want to). You can give yourself anything you want, the possibilities are truly endless: making your bed meticulously, steeping tea after dinner, or going to the infrared sauna every Tuesday. They can be anything that truly, when no one else is watching, tickles your self-care fancy. Here’s what some other Super Women turn to:

Laverne Cox, actress and LGBTQ activist, is a fan of somatic therapy (that taps into the “somatic awareness” I mentioned around intuition). This is a combination of talk therapy and physical movement to help ease stress.

Amy Tan, the author of The Joy Luck Club, finds her joy in rock balancing. By which I mean literally balancing rocks on top of each other. She says that while it seems impossible, every rock, no matter how uneven, can balance—you just have to find its balancing point.

Stacey Bendet, Alice + Olivia designer, does an hour of third- or fourth-series ashtanga (read: super advanced) yoga . . . at 4:45 AM.

A ritual also doesn’t need to be something you do; it can be something you say. Perhaps you implement a ritual of telling your child one reason you’re proud of them over breakfast or your partner three things you love about them before you go to bed. Some couples create more formal weekly check-ins complete with spreadsheets (swoon!) and calendar invites. A consistent ritual that’s special to you can give you something to look forward to and count on in any relationship, including the one with yourself, which tends to keep it moving in the right direction.

ROCK A ROUTINE

Just as you’d learn choreography for a dance routine, you need choreography for your life routine as well. Part of setting boundaries for self-care is carving out a space for yourself, and the easiest way to do that is with a morning and evening routine that lets you start and end the day focusing on, well, you. Of course, there’s always improvisation in a performance. You could slip, or forget one of your lines, or there could be a glitch with the music. Same with life. But, if you have a foundation to fall back on, you’ll be more likely to recover quickly.

Rise and Shine

Your morning routine sets the tone for the rest of your day. I can’t emphasize enough how important it is. It’s easy to hit the snooze button; you’re the boss of your own life, and you’re okay with it, right? But you shouldn’t be okay with it—because languishing in bed instead of grabbing the day by the balls is hurting your business, whether you work for yourself or someone else.

Tell me if this sounds familiar:

You wake up and check your phone. Check texts. Look at emails. Try to weed through shopping stuff to get to important work stuff but then stop at some of the shopping stuff. Head over to Instagram. Like some posts. See who liked your posts. See what your ex is liking. Look at some news. Go back and refresh Instagram. Maybe look at Facebook. And so on, until you’ve spent fifteen minutes staring at your phone before even getting out of bed. Or . . . maybe thirty. True? Yeah, been there.

But instead of holding a bright light four inches away from your eyeballs a split second after they open, maybe just . . . don’t.

What if your morning looked like this, instead?

You wake up and turn off the alarm on your iPod touch or, gasp, alarm clock. You stretch. You get up and make some coffee. You sit down with your coffee and maybe write in your gratitude journal, identifying what you’re grateful for today and what would make the day awesome. Then you breathe and do a brief meditation exercise, if you’re into that sort of thing, or just look outside and observe the world waking up. You shower and do bathroom things. You get dressed. You make breakfast. And then, when you do finally open your phone or desktop, you scroll for major headlines, emails, and texts—in that order. You don’t open Instagram or its many social media cousins. Like, at all (at least until later in the day).

The first scenario, the one that starts with a screen full of information beaming into my face immediately upon waking up, used to be my exact morning “routine.” The second scenario, where I allow my mind and body to wake up and energize first, and I open my phone last, is pretty close to my current routine. The hard and fast parts of my routine now are: 1) waking up with an alarm on something other than a phone, because if it’s on my phone, not only will that siren screen be too tempting first thing in the morning, but I’ll also play on it at night (and lose track of time searching makeup tutorials), 2) writing in my gratitude journal, to begin the day with intention and on a thankful note, and 3) completing all of the other morning things I need to do for that day before I look at my phone.

Until I got the hang of it, I was strict about the exact order my routine followed. And of course I learned to make adjustments, like for when I travel or stay at someone else’s home, or if I’m not feeling well. I promise you’ll get used to not checking your phone as soon as you wake up. Once I saw how it made me feel, I made a commitment to myself to stick to at least those three things no matter what.

Now, your turn. Outline whatever morning routine you want, just as long as you make it your ritual and stick to it unless there’s a really good reason not to. My baseline suggestions are:

• Use an alarm. We talked about getting an actual alarm, that’s not on your phone, back in Step 7. Now, set it to go off at roughly the same time every day. And even more ideal would be if that time came after seven to eight hours of sleep. You can try a sunrise alarm, which I particularly enjoy because it mimics the effect of the sun rising, increasingly brightening your bedroom until you wake up naturally.

• Do some sort of gratitude thing. It can be writing, saying a prayer, and/or some meditative thing, whether it’s a formal one or one you come up with yourself. It’s easy to create a meditation (see Step 9); I like sitting on the fluffy shag rug in my living room and taking four-second inhales followed by four-second exhales, repeat, for about five minutes, or until I feel awake. Your meditation can be washing your hands, as long as you are only focused on washing your hands. It could be knitting. It’s anything that gets you out of your head and away from all the thoughts of things you need to do that day.

• Forget the phone. Try not to look at your phone for as long as possible, and when you do, limit your time on it. Better yet, schedule a specific window for it. And yes, I know you’re kinda a big deal, but no one is such a big deal that they can’t unplug long enough to recharge.

Nighty Night

I know, I know, you want to seize the day and the night. But the best way to do so is to seize some time for yourself at either end, and set the tone for productivity in your waking and dreaming hours. So, your bedtime routine is just as important as your morning one.

Here’s my former nighttime routine:

It’s nine o’clock and I’ve had a glass or two of wine but haven’t eaten dinner yet, so I order takeout. When it comes, I mindlessly eat while I’m on the computer “doing work”—aka online shopping and refreshing Twitter. Then I agonize over what happened that day, which drives me to try to smother any shame or guilt I have with almost a whole pint of ice cream. Then I feel bad about eating basically a whole pint of ice cream, which only happened because I was mindlessly bobbing around the interwebs and not even looking at the spoon—and I crawl onto the couch, scrolling through Instagram, and feel even worse looking at beautiful, skinny people and their beautiful, amazing lives. Then I get into my jammies and get under the covers . . . with my phone, sending emails and doing a little more online shopping. Just as I’m drifting off, I remember that I didn’t wash off my makeup, so I get up and go to the bathroom (with my phone) to wash my face, which wakes me back up, then I get back into bed (still with my phone). Finally, when I’ve officially seen the whole internet, I go to sleep, at midnight or maybe later. But just before I do, I set an alarm (on my phone) for as late as I can while still making it humanly possible to arrive on time for my first meeting, plugging in my phone within arm’s reach so that I can check it even when I get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

Did any of that sound familiar?

What if your night looked like this, instead?

You eat dinner around the designated time you established on your schedule back in Step 6. You never eat alone. Now, that doesn’t mean you need to hit the town. But it means that you are fully present with your dining companion (even if it’s yourself) and eating mindfully instead of shoveling food in your mouth while scrolling through your phone. After dinner, you watch thirty minutes of your favorite show, or take your dog for a walk. Whatever this evening activity is, you choose it with the purpose your time deserves. Then, you take a few minutes to write down your goals for the following day in The Super Woman Journal, another journal, or an index card—whatever does it for you—so that you don’t have to obsess over them while you’re trying to fall asleep. (Plus, setting those intentions ahead of time makes you more likely to follow through the next day.) Next, do whatever little bathroom routine you like. I’m gonna channel Super Woman Rachel Hollis for a moment and say girl, wash your face; it’s good for your skin and a nice “signal” to your body and mind of the transition from day to night. Then, after plugging in your phone in another room (I like to leave mine in the kitchen, right next to the coffeemaker), get your booty into bed. Read something soothing, like poetry or an old favorite. It calms you down and makes your eyes tired, as they should be at this time of day. Zzzzzzzzzz.

Everybody talks about how important it is to start the day off right, but setting up a strong nighttime flow is even more important because it closes out your day on a high note and sets you up for success the following day. Of course, sometimes you need a night off to put the goal-setting aside, have some fun, or just relax. But that doesn’t mean you can’t stick to the basic structure of your daily routine (like washing your face when you get home from happy hour and leaving your phone in the other room before you go to bed). After all, a well-deserved night off should be an opportunity to recharge, not an excuse to derail your productivity the following day.

Now, outline your own night. Yes, there are a lot of variables—a cranky husband, crying kids, a broken furnace—that can rile you up and keep you from getting to bed. But the more you can stay on track when those things don’t happen, the better you will feel. Remember, a routine means you repeat something. So if your nighttime ritual derails too often (obviously a girl’s gotta live sometimes), your morning one will, too—and so will the rest of your day.

Here are some of my best suggestions for making the most of your evening hours:

• Tidy up. Take a few minutes to clean up, whether it’s your room, your desk, or loading the dishwasher. An organized space gets you in a better headspace to keep your time organized as well.

• Take a bath. Dodie Smith, one of my favorite children’s book authors (hello, The Hundred and One Dalmatians!), once said that “Noble deeds and hot baths are the best cures for depression.” I agree. A bath will help sore muscles, clear congestion, and help you detox your body and your mind. Don’t have a tub? Fill a large bowl with warm water and a few tablespoons of Epsom salts for a spa-worthy foot soak. Ahh.

• Go dark. Research has shown again and again that we sleep best in total darkness, so make sure your bed is facing away from any windows if possible, or look into buying blackout shades. If you are restless, try using a white noise app to relax and block out street sounds. You don’t need me to tell you about the many benefits of a good night’s sleep. But studies show that routine sleep behaviors, not just the amount of time you sleep (BTW, seven hours and six minutes is the magical number for optimal sleep time), are a huge contributor to Emotional Wellness and your overall health. Lack of sleep is linked to stroke, heart attack, and depression. Super Women deserve to live long lives, so we can all grow up to be the real-life Golden Girls. (And, yes, we can all be Blanche.)

FYI

According to the Cleveland Clinic, being awake for more than sixteen hours straight decreases your performance as much as if your blood alcohol level were .05 percent (the legal limit is .08 percent). Got that hangover feeling after not sleeping well? Well, it’s real. Your body thinks it’s drunk!

A routine is just another kind of ritual that you perform for yourself every day. Like many spiritual rituals honor a higher power, your own rituals are a way to honor yourself and tap into your superpowers. In the same way we talked in the last step about cleaning up your side of the street as you build healthy relationships, it’s important to get your house in order with consistent self-care as you build a healthy relationship with yourself—before going on to build your empire.

IF A DAY ISN’T ENOUGH

Of course, twenty-four hours or a weekend to yourself is nice, but sometimes it’s not enough. Just like a sick day won’t actually “cure” your cold, a mental health day might not cure whatever led you to take that day off in the first place. Sometimes, of course, a day or two to take care of yourself and catch your breath is all you need. If it’s a temporary fry you are feeling, a mental health day should make you feel 30–50 percent better. If you feel 0 percent better, it may signal that there is something more serious going on, and you need more time to address it.

WHEN A SITUATION BECOMES A CONDITION

My family didn’t believe in mental health issues, even though they run in our blood, going back generations. They thought seeing a psychiatrist was weak. I grew up thinking extreme mood disorders and trauma were normal, and treatment was out of the question.

Today, I’ve broken that cycle. I did it quietly for myself through intense trauma therapy (BTW, “It’s a good day for trauma therapy,” said no one, ever, but I stuck with it) and now I’m doing it out loud with you. Mental illness is not weakness. When situational depression turns into chronic depression, it’s a disorder, not a decision. And, I promise, it’s not contagious. While illness is never a choice, your response to it is. Bias is. Stigma is. Kindness is. And I hope that’s contagious. (For more mental health resources, see the section in the back of the book.)

FYI

As history shows, mental health issues are no barrier to strength and greatness: Martin Luther King Jr. allegedly suffered from chronic depression, as did Winston Churchill and Abraham Lincoln. In fact many artists, executives, and other game-changers have credited a close connection with deep emotions for their resonance with an audience.

Notable people who have come out talking about their mental health struggles include:

• Halle Berry

• Mandy Moore

• Demi Lovato

• Sheryl Crow

• Ellen DeGeneres

• Cara Delevingne

• Catherine Zeta-Jones

“Skills not pills” is a phrase I heard often at the various behavioral classes I’ve taken. It’s a cute saying and also an admirable goal. One of the reasons I wanted to write this book is that the skills for developing and maintaining Emotional Wellness are not taught in school, left off the curriculum in much the same way as personal finance and business basics.

However, there is no shame in the medicine game. In the wise words of Kristen Bell: “You would never deny a diabetic his insulin. Ever. But for some reason, when someone needs a [selective] serotonin [reuptake] inhibitor, they’re immediately ‘crazy.’ ” One in nine Americans are on some kind of psychiatric drug, mostly antidepressants. For women in their forties and fifties, that number jumps to one in four. So, whether you’re on meds every day long term, just as needed, or for a short period of time, you’ve got plenty of company. Kristen and I are right here with you.

CONFESSIONS

OF A SUPER WOMAN

The Doctor Is In

I was in my midtwenties when I had my first major episode of situational depression. I’d had similar but less intense episodes throughout my life, times when I couldn’t get out of bed for days at a time, or would find myself crying uncontrollably for no apparent reason, or sabotaging close relationships over small, seemingly petty things. But this time, after calling out of work for three consecutive days, I finally realized that maybe I was facing something that was bigger than me.

I’ve always tried to take medicine only when I really need it. I think this stems from growing up with my doctor father, who literally overmedicated himself to death. So, if I have a headache, I’ll drink a ton of water and lie down before popping any pills. Can’t sleep? I turn to teas. Scratchy throat? Oil of oregano is my go-to. You get the point. In general, I’ve always had this idea that I’m tough enough to tough it out. So, as you might imagine, it took a lot to make me consider that I might need psychiatric medication.

I confided in a friend that I thought I needed medication. She gave me the name of “a guy” to see. A psychiatrist.

Getting ready for my first appointment, I was tempted to wear a trench coat and dark sunglasses. I was so embarrassed. I had convinced myself that seeking help was synonymous with being weak. And that if anyone knew I was in over my head and couldn’t handle it on my own, I would be exposed for what I felt I was: an imposter.

When the doctor asked me what was going on, I was too much of a mess to put my emotions into words. At the time, I didn’t even have the vocabulary to talk about my mental health symptoms. Even if I had, I probably would have been too ashamed to tell him, or to use words like “post-traumatic stress disorder,” even though intellectually I knew that treating me was his job, and he had probably seen just about everything in my realm of suffering and beyond.

Instead, I said: “I think I need medicine. Everything hurts.”

“What hurts?” the doctor asked in a calm, measured, very shrink-like voice.

“My head; my thoughts, I think. I’m so sad and I can barely get up in the morning and it’s really affecting my work. I think I need medication,” I repeated, not looking him in the eye. “Can you help me?”

He paused. “I can, but I need a little more background information.”

I couldn’t give him much; I spent the next hour stuttering through basically the same line over and over again with long awkward pauses: “I think I need medicine. Everything hurts.”

When our time was up, I left with two medications: Lexapro and Seroquel—one to address ongoing depression and anxiety and the other for “emergencies.” I doubt I used them right, because the side effects were gnarly. Headaches, nausea, sweating through my clothes so that I’d sometimes have to change before going on TV. I was supposed to go back to the psychiatrist for a follow-up appointment. But I never did. Side effects aside, the meds worked. My mood became more stable, and I was able to go back to work, more focused than ever. And then I felt like I knew the magic trick to deal with whatever came my way.

I didn’t. The decision to seek medication was the right one. And not seeking therapy to talk through whatever the hell it was that I was medicating in the first place was the wrong one. I quit taking the meds after a few months once I felt better, and I thought I was done with the whole thing.

I wasn’t. A year or so later, I had another depressive episode. I was like, “Ugh . . . what’s the name of those magic pills again?” I thought I would just have a doctor friend sketchily prescribe them for me, and my mind would clear right up again, like a UTI. Until I could get the prescription, I took my friend’s antidepressants (which, knowing now how dangerous that is for your body and mind, is really alarming). I just assumed all were created equal, and they were basically different brand names for the same thing.

They weren’t. Rather than stabilizing my mood, my friend’s meds just made me more emotional and lethargic. Not all medications are created equal because not all mental health issues are created equal. And what I’d come to learn in the years that followed, after I finally started taking better care of myself, is that not all psychiatrists are created equal, either. It’s like finding a personal trainer; you might have to go through a few until you find one who fits your style and needs. This person should be a regular part of your life, not just someone you reach out to when things are going south. Once you’ve found the right person, finding the right medications usually involves a similar kind of trial and error. Eventually, after finding a psychiatrist I actually trusted, who (bonus!) was also an excellent therapist, I found a combination of medications that worked for me—sans nasty side effects—and a medical professional who monitored me.

At first, almost every time I picked up my meds at the pharmacy, I felt awkward and ashamed. I would take the pills out of their orange prescription bottles and transfer them into a generic Tylenol container, worried that someone would see the label and Google what it was that I was taking.

It wasn’t until I started looking at my mental health like I would any other health issue that the shame and barriers that stood in the way of me getting better came down piece by piece. I came to understand that mental illness was not something to be embarrassed about or “tough out.” I know now that I really am as tough as it gets—tough enough to ask for help.

A word of caution, however: Antidepressants are not “happy” pills. I should know; I’ve taken many different ones through the years. But I still didn’t fully grasp this for a long time. Antidepressants are like floaties to get you across the pool safely, without drowning. Most antidepressants will help get you from the deep end back to the shallow end, where you can stand up on your own. That shallow end is where everyone starts. Making your way out of the pool altogether to a calm, dry, happy place is up to you.

The way to get out of feeling like you’re in a constant state of triage mode is to practice self-care on the regular. There is a reason yoga is called a “practice.” You don’t just go to one class and become a yogi master. You don’t nail a perfect Bird of Paradise bind the first try (trust me, I’ve tried . . . and met the mat fast). If you want to be great at anything, you can’t try it once and then peace out. Similarly, Emotional Wellness isn’t something you achieve and then cross off your to-do list. You have to check it (and yourself). Every. Damn. Day.

BOTTOM LINE

Conventional Wisdom: I’m feeling pretty happy, so I’m fine.

Well, mazel tov. But when you’re feeling good is the perfect time to ride the momentum and work on yourself more, not less. The more Emotional Wellness you put in the bank, the richer in happiness you’ll be in the long run.

Conventional Wisdom: Routines are for the military and old people. YOLO!

Wrong-o. Setting, and then sticking to, a regular morning and evening routine is just about as boss a move as they come. After all, our strongest habits start at home. Studies have shown that leaders who practice daily rituals are more productive—and ultimately more successful. Drawing a line around space and time just for you sets the tone for your day in the morning and your dreams at night. Bookend your day with self-care—and look for opportunities to check in with yourself throughout the day—and you’ll find success in the waking hours in between.

Conventional Wisdom: The solution to mental illness is mental toughness.

Would you ever tell someone with cancer to just “tough it out” and get on with their lives? No. I’m all about fortifying your Emotional Wellness with tools to keep you on track when times get tough, but some illnesses—whether they are mental or physical—are out of your control. So, before you get out of control, be tough enough to seek the help and resources you need to get well.

Conventional Wisdom: I can’t use a sick day if I’m not sick.

Good health is not just physical, it’s also mental. And if you are not in tip-top mental shape, you are about as effective as you would be if you had the flu. If you can, take a mental health day when you need it. Better yet, take a week of personal or vacation time. (Here’s a sad statistic: Americans leave almost half of their paid vacation days on the table each year.) Your brain will benefit from the new perspective, and your colleagues will appreciate not being exposed to any germs or bad vibes. I know I would. It’s your time to take, so take it. And set the tone for others around you to do the same.