Chapter 11 Jumping, not staring, into the abyss: Your Tiny T prescription for life

In this chapter we will conclude with:

So here we are, the final chapter of our journey together. My hope is that you will be able to use some if not all of the Tiny T exercises in this book – now and in the future. Even just being aware of Tiny T as a real, valid and tangible concept can be of significant benefit. There are far too many Tiny Ts to cover in this book, so what I would say is that if you’ve experienced something that makes you feel uncomfortable, unworthy of support or leads you to question your grasp on yourself, it could very likely be a form of Tiny T.

But there comes a time to jump, rather than stare, into the abyss. The idea of staring into the abyss until the abyss gazes back at you was introduced by the German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche – and like all great philosophical quotes, there are various interpretations, including losing oneself as a result of looking too deeply into the dark areas of the inner human psyche. If we explore this notion in relation to Tiny T, we can see that there is a danger in spending too much time contemplating the harsh realities of our life course, and the difficult circumstances we have experienced – this is the risk of Awareness without Acceptance and then Action. Therefore, my challenge to you now is to combine what you have learnt with the final teachings of this chapter, to take control of your past, live fully in the present and jump unabashed into your flourishing future.

The AAA Approach – for Life

Throughout our time together in this book, we’ve used my Awareness, Acceptance and Action – or AAA – Approach. You can take this method and apply it for whatever difficulties come your way – and the more you use it, the more you will hone these vital psychological skills. Like any skill, using the AAA Approach will also become easier with practice, as your mind will seek out Awareness more readily, you will be more open to Acceptance of life’s tricky problems that are both complex and everyday, and will be empowered to take Action to live life to the fullest.

AAA Approach Step 1: Awareness

What’s your purpose?

Ahhhh … such a short question for such a massive concept. Some people spend their entire lives trying to figure out their purpose, and there’s something to be said for this journey. Often, when people have children, they express that they finally know their purpose: to care for and raise other human beings. Other people find purpose within their work and community activities, or a combination of all these things. Yet this can be the sticking point – with so many options, what can we do to help us find our purpose?

Exercise: Follow your arrow

To help narrow these choices down, let’s play the Follow Your Arrow game. Each of the below is a core value that you either care deeply or aren’t that bothered about. For each category, move the arrow to the right if you value it deeply, or nearer the left if you couldn’t care less about it.

Artistic skills

Athletics/sport

Business/earning money

Creativity

Independence

Musical ability/appreciation

Politics/community

Relations with friends or family

Religious values

Sense of humour

Spontaneity/living life in the moment

The above list isn’t exhaustive, and you can add your own categories too.

Now, which arrows are pointing towards the future? Take a moment to reflect on why these are important to you.

These are your core values – your unique set of stars that will help you find meaningful purpose in life and light your way home if you ever run off-course. And this is the secret: you can have more than one – we can have numerous values, purposes and paths in life. So much of the time we’re told that we must find our one true purpose – kinda like our one true love – but that’s far too miserly. Life is generous, when we view it as such.

Next, ask yourself:

‘In what ways does my life move in this (or these) direction(s)?’

Keep this in mind as you read on.

Purpose Venn diagram and the Westernisation of ikigai

When thinking about following your arrow, you may have heard of the Japanese concept of ikigai – and the figure below may be familiar to you. If not, this theory states that your purpose can be found within the overlap of a Venn diagram, where what you love, what you’re good at, what the world needs and what you can get paid for all meet in the middle.

Figure 11.1: Venn diagram of ikigai

My mum spent a significant part of her life in Japan, so I asked her about this framework. She said she recognised some parts of it, but felt it was too rigid and would be surprised if meeting all of these conditions was truly faithful to the original concept. From my professional standpoint, I would tend to agree and believe that the necessity of meeting all four of these circumstances sets the bar unrealistically high for most people. If we think more in terms of psychological flexibility, which is a core part of the psychological immune system in terms of its adaptive function, your purpose may be something you love to do and are good at, but not what you are paid for (i.e. a passion). So, you might then also need to dedicate some time to something that the world needs, and that you can draw an income from (in the above ikigai model, this would be a vocation), making sure you still have some time to devote to your passion projects.

As with so many societal Tiny Ts, the insistence that all the stipulations must be met for a well-lived life puts us under so much pressure, and as such is counterproductive. This is an outcome-driven, Westernised view of ikigai, whereas a more traditional view would take these aspects of one’s purpose as a lifelong continuum, which changes and develops over a lifetime. However, you may be able to add a sprinkling of your own arrows to more areas of your life to enhance the time you have on this earth.

Takeaway dice and choice overload

If there’s one thing I’ve learnt during my bumbling life, it’s that humans are fascinating. And although we desire endless choice, this multitude of options doesn’t actually serve us very well. Choice overload is a term we use in psychology where too many options lead to a decision paralysis.93 But there’s an easy way to narrow down your possibilities and it’s something I use at home – my partner and I occasionally get takeaway food and because there are so many choices, we were spending half the evening debating what we’d like to eat. So, one Christmas, unbeknown to both of us, we bought one another takeaway dice! I must admit that my partner did a better job at selecting the gift, which was a lovely personalised wooden cube, whereas I picked up a plastic toy version from a gift shop (read into that what you will!), but we had both come to the realisation that we needed some help with this trivial issue. However, the interesting thing about using a random selection tool is that it focuses the mind – some days the dice might land on ‘curry’, but we’ll look at each other and say, ‘Nah, let’s get pizza.’ What this means is that, by limiting your options, you’ll be in a better position to know what you truly desire. Therefore, when you’re thinking about your life choices, strike all but three off and chuck the others in a metaphorical f*ck-it bucket and on to the remaining areas in life that you now have the headspace to truly consider.

Try before you buy

Do you remember that store Build-A-Bear®? I think they were actually called workshops, and this probably shows my age yet again, but kids loved the concept – parents, perhaps, didn’t like this shop quite as much, since the toys were rather expensive! But you could go into the workshops and choose the type of stuffed toy, its clothes, accessories and many other add-ons before you bought one. What if you could do this with your ikigai, and ‘try before you buy’ in your life?

Adjunct Professor and Executive Director of the Design Program at Stanford Bill Burnett suggests just this.⁹⁴ Instead of ditching your entire life, which in his research he found usually did not turn out very well, add components of your arrows to your existing life and see how it feels. For example, one of your arrows may be ‘artistic skills’ but you feel overwhelmed by the thought of going to an adult learning centre to train in fine art. Instead, think of places where your artistic desire could be more a part of your life – perhaps adding your artsy flare to your home through some redecoration, or trying a few crafting activities via Pinterest. Just like constructing the plush bear, you can see what fits, feels right and is workable for you, as we only really know if something will bring us fulfilment if we’ve actually tried it for ourselves. Selling your suburban semi and moving to the woods off-grid might seem like a fantastic life change, but it’s only when you’re out there and you remember how much you hate spiders and discover how hard it is to grow anything remotely edible that it becomes real. Instead, maybe you can take a sabbatical from your jobby-job and try that idyllic-looking off-grid lifestyle for a few months in a caravan before selling-up lock, stock and barrel. This change may or may not be all it’s cracked up to be, but like the takeaway dice, trying before you buy a whole new life gives you much more clarity and direct experience of your options, without the risk of losing your shirt.

AAA Approach Step 2: Acceptance

I would say again that Acceptance can be the most difficult phase of the AAA Approach, and one that often gets overlooked. This can be because we conflate bad things happening in our lives to being bad people – but this is not the case. It’s true we may feel unloved, unworthy and undermined, and these experiences are incredibly tough to sit with. Instead, we often rationalise Tiny T in the sense that we must have done something terrible to deserve this treatment – but when we move to a place of acceptance, rather than resignation, we are able to build a strong psychological immune system and be that little bit kinder to ourselves. Here’s a reminder of the difference between resignation and acceptance – it can be helpful at this juncture to explore whether you feel more comfortable with the idea of acceptance, and how important it is to your sense of self:

Resignation	Acceptance
Psychological rigidity	Psychological flexibility
Feeling disempowered and frozen	Feeling empowered to act
Self-judgement and recrimination	Curating a deep sense of self-compassion
A mindset of scarcity	A mindset of abundance
Giving up/giving in	Recalibrating to take positive action
Tolerating difficulties	Learning from difficulties
Soldiering on	Up-skilling
Avoidance of change	Open to change
Resistance	Recognition
Judgement-led	Value-led

Tiny T and the psychological immune system in perspective

Revisiting the concept of the psychological immune system, at the end of Chapter 1, we compared it to the human physical immune system that protects us against a range of harmful pathogens such as viruses and bacteria throughout our lifespan. We are born with some immunity, but much of the immune system develops over a lifetime – particularly in early childhood – when it comes into contact with these microscopic invaders. Our bodies then mount a response to the interloper, and it is this physical response that gives us symptoms such as a cough, runny nose and fatigue in the case of a common cold. The psychological immune system works in much the same way and gives us unpleasant feelings when we experience Tiny Ts, in the form of the stress response and emotions that we’d rather not feel. But both the physical and psychological symptoms are important as they allow our immune systems to grow and adapt to our environment. Without some challenges, we would only have the basic immunity that we’re born with – and considering how tough such major life events can be, this may not be sufficient for good psychological health.

Hence, by being aware of Tiny Ts, accepting that these scrapes and scratches happen in life and taking positive action to manage well with these experiences, we can transform small traumas into emotional antibodies – otherwise known as coping skills.

In other words, the concept of Tiny T is not about a mindset of passivity or resignation, but rather a way to take control of your past so that you can own the present and develop a future in which you thrive, not merely survive.

Mind your ‘buts’ – Tiny Ts are not excuses

In this sense, Tiny Ts are absolutely not excuses. One way to make sure that you aren’t allowing Tiny Ts to take over your life in a negative manner is to mind your use of ‘but’ and ‘because’ – both in your inner narrative and in the way you communicate with others.

For example, mind your ‘buts’ if you hear this:

‘I’d like to talk to my friend, but she upset me – so much that I don’t think I can talk to her.’

Change to this:

‘I’d like to talk to my friend, and she upset me – so I will talk to her even though I was upset.’

By replacing the ‘buts’ with ‘ands’, we open up different possibilities for the future. This also gives a much more realistic version of the complexity of life and human emotion – we can be simultaneously upset with a friend and still care about them deeply. However, when we use ‘buts’ we are preventing forward progression and trapped behind the ‘but’ wall. When this is replaced with ‘ands’, we can break down this wall and move forward.

Also, keep an eye out when using ‘because’:

‘I don’t want to apply for the promotion, because I had a bad experience at work in the past.’

Tweak like this:

‘I want to apply for the promotion, although I had a bad experience at work in the past.’

Simply softening the language here doesn’t change the past – we cannot change the past of course – but it loosens the hold our Tiny T has over the present. Also, being mindful of your intention and altering it in both your internal narrative and discussion with others will allow for forward movement, so tune into this mental script and try to replace words such as ‘can’t’, ‘won’t’ or ‘don’t’ with more empowering terms.

Be the editor in this blockbuster called life

This tweaking of the way we tell our story, either to ourselves or others, can be extended. The above examples can be seen as lines within the script of your blockbuster – i.e. your life. Just like any blockbuster movie, the role of the editor is central to the story that makes it to the screen. Different kinds of shots, frames and pace will all affect the mood of the film, and the editor uses these tools to focus our attention on the story they want to tell, as well as including more or less screen time for a particular scene. To see how this works, first write your outline script including events, experiences, Tiny Ts and any other key moments that have made you who you are today (this links back to our opening Tiny T question in Chapter 1). These are the touchpoints of your movie, not the interpretations, so it’s usually the information before any ‘buts’ or ‘becauses’ when you’re writing. In the example in the previous section, our protagonist wanted to see their friend – this is the touchpoint in this simple scenario. Now, play around with it to give the action a variety of meanings and outcomes. We have two possibilities above; what others can you come up with?

I hope this exercise helps you to see that you have agency, not just over the future but over the way you interpret the past and live your life today.

AAA Approach Step 3: Action

In this final Action stage of our Tiny T expedition, I want to share with you some everyday actions that support both the body and mind, the physical immune system and the psychological immune system. Whichever condition, presentation or theme I’ve studied, from chronic fatigue to emotional eating, from anxiety to heartbreak, these fundamentals are unwavering.

Your daily prescription for life

If there’s one insight I’ve taken from 20 years of researching and working in the field of health, it’s that the more we live our lives in harmony with the natural world, the more grounded we feel and at peace with our experience of existence. This may sound pretty hippy-dippy, but it makes scientific sense – we are part of the natural world, no matter how far technology takes our minds and bodies away from it. Our inner workings and physiological processes are synched with the circling of the sun in a 24-hour circadian rhythm. This is not just to do with sleep, although sleep is indeed a life-or-death issue, as we have many biological rhythms that are driven at a molecular level in response to the environment. There are other, longer rhythms too, for example the menstrual cycle.

Working with, rather than against these rhythms generally supports both physical and mental health as we need then to stimulate or sedate ourselves less with synthetics – be this via information, substances or unhelpful thoughts. Therefore, below are my Action tips to help you live that life that is best for you.

Make light a friend, rather than foe

Light is by far the most important environmental factor when it comes to the 24-hour circadian rhythm – our minds and bodies work best when we sleep during darkness and are active in daylight. Yet with the invention of artificial light, we are able to see what we’re doing no matter what time of day it is. This is no criticism of Thomas Edison, as the development of the lightbulb was a moonshot in the Industrial Revolution, stimulating economies around the world and raising living standards for billions of people. But like so many of the tools we create, the human tendency is to push a good thing rather too far. In our current non-stop societies, we find it very hard to switch off, literally and figuratively. Now, we spend much of our daytime indoors with artificial light, which is qualitatively different from natural light and does not give our brains the same signals. Research has found that artificial light impacts on us as individuals, on our environments and on our health.⁹⁵ For a long time, we’ve mainly focused on sleep disturbance and seasonal affective disorder (SAD), but we are increasingly learning that a lack of daylight can be a perpetuating factor in a variety of mental health conditions and physical wellbeing.

Are you SAD? Seasonal affective disorder as Tiny T

Seasonal affective disorder is a much talked about condition as soon as the nights begin to draw in. But there is rampant debate about whether it is ‘real’ or not. SAD is a subcategory of recurrent major depressive disorder, differing only by the extent it is tied to specific seasons. Most people who report seasonal depression have symptoms in the winter but about 10 per cent of cases appeared to be associated with summer. To be diagnosed with SAD, you’d need to see a clear start and end point that can be tracked with the changes of the seasons, then be symptom-free at other times of the year for at least two years, with more symptomatic episodes in your lifetime than without.

While some research has shown a link between natural light and mood, the physiological mechanism for this is still up for grabs. We know that daylight does affect the production of melatonin and serotonin, which then influences the sleep/wake cycle (circadian rhythm), and poor sleep often leads to waking up on the wrong side of the bed. And indeed, when digging further into the research, studies in the USA report that only 1 per cent of people who live in Florida experience SAD compared to 9 per cent of Alaskans. Yet researchers in countries like Norway and Iceland found few instances of SAD considering their extremely short winter days. So what’s the deal? Well, this could be more about our expectations and societal beliefs than anything else – in the USA, hot, sunny weather is often associated with ‘good’ feelings such as happiness, but in Scandinavian countries where the weather is more consistent across the entire country there may be a greater appreciation of the beauty of darker seasons. How we cope with bitterly cold days in different parts of the world might be a factor too – the Norwegian word friluftsliv can be directly translated as ‘free-air life’, where we embrace the outdoors no matter what the weather. So perhaps SAD might be in part to do with our beliefs – beliefs that have been built over our lifetime and as such formed a type of Tiny T.

I think the next type of ‘wellness wearable’ technology will have something to do with this – I wouldn’t be surprised to see a natural-light sensor fitted to the body, which will feed data to your smartphone and ping you an alert to go outside and absorb some natural light. But you don’t need to wait for this bit of tech – instead, make sure you get outside every day, even if only for 20 minutes or so to soak up some mood-boosting vitamin D.⁹⁶

The art of REST

Rest is the poor relation of sleep in our full-on lives. Researchers from Durham University surveyed over 18,000 people from 134 countries and asked them how much rest they had on a daily basis and also what types of restful activities they practised. Perhaps unsurprisingly, a majority – over two-thirds of the sample in fact – said that they would like more rest. The researchers also discovered that people who had less rest reported lower overall wellbeing.⁹⁷

Highly demanding jobs, juggling multiple care responsibilities, trying to see friends, have some fun and generally live life all contribute to our restless society. We’re not just burning the candle at both ends – we’ve thrown the entire thing into a roaring fire so all that’s left is a waxy mess on the floor. Or at least that’s what modern life can feel like by the end of the week!

But there’s also the Tiny T of societal norms, expectations and labels that often prevent us from resting – one client who was clearly exhausted told me she thought of herself as ‘lazy’ if she rested in the day, no matter how tired she was. If we turn to the natural world, however – which we are an intricate part of – it’s clear to see that nature knows how to rest. The seasons change, day turns into night and all the while our environment regenerates, restores and renews itself continually – without resistance.

Likewise, it is important to build rest periods into our daily lives. This doesn’t necessarily mean sleeping or napping, but rather activities that allow us to ‘switch off’ from the stressors of life such as reading, listening to music or spending time in nature.

REST: Restore Energy (with) Space (and) Time

I like to use the above mnemonic as an easy reminder of how to rest, as it reminds me about active rest – and that we need to dedicate space and time to achieve recovery in the same way that we’d dedicate these precious resources to work or to an objective goal. Although it can feel hard to find time in our daily lives, these suggestions only take a few minutes and can be used as part of your ‘time confetti’ – those little snippets of time we have that tend to be filled with mindless scrolling and clicking. It can also be useful to clarify the different types of rest that we all need to feel deeply restored and rejuvenated.⁹⁸

Physical – this is the most obvious category, but this doesn’t just mean sleeping or sitting passively – breathing exercises (see Chapters 1 and 4) help to activate the parasympathetic nervous system, which moves the body into a ‘rest-and-digest’ state. Also, if your job is sedentary, physical rest is more about giving your body a rest from the constant static sitting position that causes pain and discomfort, in the form of gentle desk-based stretching or getting up from the chair once an hour to move your body around. However, if your days are physically active, developing moments of complete stillness will act as rest.

Mental – ‘brain fog’ is a pervasive issue right now. Mental rest is about overcoming the urge to multitask, and instead focus on uni-tasking. Turn off app and phones alerts, log off email and shut the door so that you can create chunks of time when you concentrate on just one task. This takes a bit of practice as many of us are ingrained in the myth of multitasking – but it’s worth the effort.

Social – social rest doesn’t necessarily mean solitude – although it can if that’s what you need – but rather, spending time with people who need no airs or graces, where you can be completely and utterly you. These people are your battery chargers, so hold on to them for dear life! Importantly, sometimes these people are acquaintances rather than our loved ones, as it can often be easier to be ourselves with those we only see every once in a while.

Sensory – we all require differing amounts of sensory stimulation, and those of us who are highly sensitive (Chapter 9) may need more quiet time than others. Simply taking a few moments to close our eyes during the day to give the sense of sight a rest can be helpful. Again, this is not about going into solitary confinement, as the less artificial sensory input we receive when in nature is also restful.

Emotional – look out for the emotional vampires in your life that drain your emotional energy, and limit (or cut all together) the time spent with these people. The exercises in Chapter 2 will also help to feed your Emotobiome and offer respite from restless emotions.

Creative – our minds spend so much time on analytical work these days that few of us get a chance to nurture the creative parts of ourselves. I feel profoundly creative after visiting my favourite galleries and endeavour to schedule a visit regularly. If this isn’t possible or not your bag, give yourself time and space to doodle for three slots of five minutes throughout the day. Adult colouring is also restful, particularly intricate mandala patterns.

Spiritual – you don’t need to be religious to benefit from the restful qualities of spirituality. Feeling embedded in the world we occupy is the secret and this can be realised through helping others. Indeed, we know that assisting our fellow human beings increases our own wellbeing, as this acts as rest from self-focus – too much of which can be exhausting.⁹⁹ Feeling restored via spiritual sources also has to do with feeling secure in our purpose (above), which is another reason why aligning yourself with your arrows can be so beneficial.

The trick here is to tailor the rest to the life you live – the type of rest you need will be different from your partner, friends and family, so respecting this personalised approach is the key for true rest.

Eat stuff from the ground and move your body around

Although this isn’t a nutrition or exercise book, it would be totally remiss not to mention the impact of what we put into our mouths and how we burn off this energy has on our psychological immune system – so my humble suggestion is:

Eat stuff from the ground and move your body around.

There are more diets than I can count, or even contemplate. The weight-loss industry was one of the only wellness sectors that grew during the Covid-19 pandemic and, like our waistlines, it just keeps on expanding.¹⁰⁰ Hence, there’s a very real financial imperative to keep us confused about what we should – and should not – be eating. Then there are numerous research studies about the effectiveness of all of these diets, and in my opinion it boils down to this: try to eat stuff that looks as close as possible to its natural form. It really is that simple – fruit and veg, nuts and seeds, some fish and maybe a bit of white meat (if you eat meat that is)¹⁰¹ that looks like it’s just been harvested, picked or plucked is a safe bet. Of course, if you have medical requirements this may differ somewhat, but the vast amount of brain hours that have been spent on this issue seems rather excessive. If your great-grandmother would recognise it, it’s probably ok! If, however, it’s an ultra-processed form of Frankenfood, steer clear or eat it in very small amounts.

In addition to this, keep in mind that humans didn’t evolve to consume 24/7, day in, day out. There were no app-based delivery services in prehistoric times, so we fasted for long periods during every 24-hour cycle, and faced even lengthier fasts when food was scarce. All the trillions of microbes in our guts need time to do their work – and they need you to leave their environment alone to get the job done, which is one reason why overnight fasting of a minimum of 11 to 12 hours is now recommended. Indeed, the word ‘breakfast’ means just that: to break your nightly fast.

The second part of my little ditty is about movement – and I use the word movement purposefully as ‘exercise’ can have all sorts of connotations and Tiny Ts attached! As I’ve said, our bodies didn’t evolve to sit at desks all day – we need to move to maintain both a healthy mind and body, but this doesn’t mean a two-hour gym session every day (unless that’s your thing of course!). An easy way to think about it is:

If you can do X sitting, can you do it standing? For instance, computer work: could you use a standing desk? if the answer is no, that’s fine – it’s worth asking the question.
If you can do it standing, can you do it walking? This might be talking on the phone – could you take a walk-and-talk instead?

The wonderful thing about walking is that it helps maintain physical fitness and mental health, and you don’t even need to expect it to do you any good for it to work. Researchers at Iowa State University found that it doesn’t matter where or why people walked, as simply getting up and putting one foot in front of the other makes us feel better mentally and physically.¹⁰²

Walking is one of the easiest ways to increase your daily activity and it really does make a difference. We tend to get caught up in the numbers, but the 10,000 steps a day is at best a guesstimate of the ideal figure – now we know that the number is more like 7,000, but I still think the most important aspect of this is to just get moving. If you can challenge your body, up your heart rate and get a little puffed out on a regular basis then you will see improvements in your fitness levels and overall health.

Connection is a non-negotiable

We need human connection. Fact. In Chapter 1 we highlighted the loneliness epidemic and how harmful this is to both mental and physical health. As social creatures, we have evolved to live in groups, and although we may not necessarily need others these days for food, shelter and safety from predators, we do still need other people to add to our sense of belonging, as social support and often as a vehicle to our purpose. Hence, feeling a sense of connectedness absolutely is about our health as a whole, not ‘just’ emotional wellbeing. This doesn’t have to be a deep and meaningful marathon conversation; even micro-interactions like a chat while waiting for a bus or at the till also help us to feel connected. Although this might at first feel awkward, be aware that we tend to underestimate how much strangers like us after a bit of small talk – a phenomenon called the ‘liking gap’.¹⁰³

It is great if you can see people face to face, but sometimes this isn’t possible. Talking on the phone, even just about seemingly trivial things like the weather, can create that sense of being allied in the big bad world. There are so many ways to reach out to people now, but mind yourself on social media – research tell us that passively liking posts or scrolling without interaction leads to depressed mood and feelings of inadequacy. Use these amazing technological tools for good instead and genuinely connect and communicate with friends, family or even just people who have common interests. Whatever you like, no matter how abstract, there will be a page for that. Guaranteed.

Fur, feather, scaly or leafy connections as a proxy

Ok, ok, I’m a bit biased here as an animal lover but there is data that shows time spent with creatures help us to feel connected to another living being. For those of you who do love the felines, studies have shown that purrs help to lower stress levels by activating our innate rest-and-digest parasympathetic nervous system.¹⁰⁴ Somewhat crazily, even watching videos of cats could offer benefits – in fact, there are now festivals where people come together to watch cat vids! And this is indeed backed up by evidence that found those of us who watch cat clips in our spare time felt more positive overall and had more energy.¹⁰⁵ But more than anything, animals can also give us a sense of connection. So, if for whatever reason you can’t connect with people, think about spending time with other living creatures instead – cats, dogs, reptiles, whatever! I would go so far as to say that even tending to and looking after plants can create a sense of calm, as research shows that interacting with indoor plants reduces stress.¹⁰⁶

Cultivate gratitude every day

My partner and I do this every evening, but you can practise gratitude any time of day. I do think it’s useful to use this exercise at the same time each day, however, so that it becomes a habit. In the field of positive psychology, a good deal of research has found that cultivating a firm sense of gratitude improves wellbeing and gives us a broad perspective on life.¹⁰⁷ This technique is so easy it’s hard to believe that it really works – but I suggest this frequently, and when I follow up with them months later, their views have indeed changed. Traditionally, psychologists and therapists suggest that you think of three things that you are grateful for – these needn’t be major positive life events like having a child or getting a new job, but rather the little things in life. My partner and I list five things, though, as the first two always stay the same – one another and family. But otherwise, the aspects of the day we are thankful for are tiny, such as a nice walk in the park or a compliment at work. Your gratitude can be about absolutely anything, as this method is a way to retrain your brain to see the good in life – as we saw in Chapter 4, we are programmed to search the environment for threats to our survival, so it does take a bit more effort to notice the silver linings. But they are there, however small.

Why You Don’t Have to First Love Yourself …

But you don’t have to wait to do all this until you love yourself – I meet so many people who feel like they can’t take action until they ‘love themselves first’. This idea, peddled by seemingly well-meaning people, leaves individuals isolated and lonely, stuck waiting until the magical day arrives when they experience self-love. But if you weren’t shown unconditional love in early life, it can be bloody hard to love yourself, as you have no model for that love (see Chapter 8). I’m telling you from a place of compassion and experience that loving yourself first is not the greatest love of all, it’s the greatest myth of all. Therapy, counselling or allowing someone to love you first can all help. So please don’t wait to start this process, as by working through it you will be showing yourself love, even before you feel it.

… but you can start with self-kindness – and stay youthful in the process!

It costs nothing to be kind – well, nothing in terms of cold, hard cash – but many people do find it challenging to be kind to themselves, much more so than showing others generosity and compassion. If you’re not yet in a place of self-love, it can be helpful to start by working with self-kindness, as some fascinating research suggests that it may turn the clock back and keep us youthful. One study looked at telomere length, which is a marker of biological ageing, in groups of people who practised loving-kindness meditation similar to that in Chapter 7, and those who did not. The researchers found that people who practised this type of kindness had a longer relative telomere length than the control group – telomeres shorten with age and are associated with earlier mortality.¹⁰⁸ Hence, developing a sense of kindness to oneself is central to my prescription, even on those days you might not love yourself.

Life is a marathon, not a sprint – but you have to be in the running

As we come to the end of our time together, I want to wholeheartedly encourage you to use what you’ve learnt and leap forward into the unknown abyss – it’s usually not as scary as we fear. And even if additional Tiny Ts come your way, you will now have an arsenal of tools, emotional antibodies and skills to use to cope with what life has to throw at you. But here’s one last exercise if you’re feeling at all nervous about this …

Exercise: ‘The nearly missed it!’ diary

Have you ever looked back on your week and found it almost impossible to recall anything notable at all? We can miss out on so much of what life has to offer if we’re constantly in our own heads. My suggestion here is to be engaged in the world for a week by writing a ‘nearly missed it!’ diary of the things that you would have missed out on if you’d been too far in the black hole of your own thoughts. These are often small, mundane but utterly fascinating occurrences such as sunshine on a cloudy day, a sweet moment between a mother and child in a café who you can hear behind you – or any number of tiny things that make life interesting.

Life really is all about the tiny things – whether this is Tiny T trauma or finding those magical moments in the mundane. It’s our choice what we hold on to, and what we let go of.

Dr Meg’s journaling prompts for developing a life in which you flourish

What makes you feel most alive when you’re doing it?
If you can’t change something in your life, in what ways can you make peace with it?
If not now, when?

Final Note …

I want to thank you for coming on this Tiny T crusade with me. One of the reasons I wrote this book was to allow more people to feel seen – and you can help with this too. If you feel comfortable, please share your Tiny Ts with me and others with the hashtag #tinyt on @tinytraumasbook or my @drmegarroll account on Insta. The more we all shine a light on Tiny T, the easier it will be to talk about and process this type of low-grade, yet insidious trauma. Thank you again and all the best on your continuing journey.