Contents
Changing Course: Turning Points to Recovery
Living by the Rules • Going Back to the Past • Chronic Loss and Abandonment • Denial • Rigidity • Isolation • Shame • The Impact of Our Losses • Changing Course
Chart: “How Chronic Loss Is Created: The Experience of Pain from a Child’s Point of View”
You Can’t Go Forward Without Finishing the Past: Healing the Pain of Abandonment, Fear, and Shame
Pain from the Past • Past-Driven Present Pain • Attempts to Control Our Pain • Emotional Responses to Pain • Behavioral Responses to Pain • Rational or Cognitive Responses to Pain • Letting Go of the Past, Healing the Pain • We Can’t Go Forward Without Finishing the Past
Chart: “From a Past of Chronic Loss to the Turning Point: The Experience of Pain from an Adult’s Point of View”
Four Steps to Freedom: The Process of Recovery from Chronic Loss
Step One: Explore Past Losses • A Cognitive Life Raft and Emotional Safety Net • Fear of Feelings • Overcoming the Fear of Feelings • Step Two: Connect the Past to Present Life • Step Three: Challenge Internalized Beliefs • Step Four: Learn New Skills • Applying the Four Steps to a Recovery Issue • Recovery Can’t Be Rushed
Chart: “Changing Course: The Recovery Process”
Building Your Own Inner Adult: Skills to Create a Core of Personal Strength
Creating an Inner Holding Environment • Core Recovery Skills • Validating Yourself • Letting Go of Some Control • Feeling Your Feelings • Identifying Your Needs • Setting Limits and Boundaries • Creating a Core of Strength with the Recovery Skills
Chart: “Continuum of Control: Control Issues in Rigid, Chaotic, and Healthy Families”
The House We Lived In: No More Roles, No More Secrets
Family Secrets • Family Stories • Identifying Family Roles • Who Am I, If I’m Not Who I’ve Been? • Ending Old Roles
Recovery Is the Road to Yourself: New Ways of Being, New Ways of Relating
Reconstructing Relationships • Sharing Your Pain and Grief with Family Members • Confrontation as a Part of Sharing, as a Way to Ending the Source of the Pain • How Can I Share My Pain If My Parent Has Died? • Present-Day Relationships • Characteristics of a Healthy Relationship • Charting the Characteristics of Your Relationships
Spirituality Is Something You Are: Forgiving, Loving, Finding Serenity
Spirituality and Control • Spirituality and the Fear of Abandonment • Spirituality and Forgiveness • Spirituality and Our Religious Upbringing • Spirituality and the Spirit of Our Inner Child • Practicing Spirituality • Spirituality, the Turning Point to a New Course
Appendices
A. Personal Loss Graph for Early Years
B. Loss Graph Exercise (Early Years)
C. Personal Loss Graph for Adult Years
D. Loss Graph Exercise (Adult Years)
E. Charting Your Relationships
About the Author