Why buying your daughter stuff and popping in and out of her life will never satisfy what she wants most—you.
It was Sande’s and my anniversary, and my daughter was determined to bake us a cake. She didn’t want any help. She could do it herself, thank you very much.
The resulting cake was awful, to tell you the truth. But I knew the day would come when this daughter of mine would be able to make chocolate chip cookies and cakes that actually tasted good, so I didn’t want to discourage her on her first try.
Of course, it didn’t help that she had broiled the cake instead of baked it. “I just turned the oven on,” she explained. “How was I supposed to know the other dial was set to broil?”
Fair enough. After she scraped off the top crust, the “cake” was about an inch high. She piled it with frosting to remind us that it wasn’t brownies, then served a piece to my wife and me.
“This is so . . . moist,” Sande said delicately. “I can’t believe how moist this is.”
“Delicious, honey,” I added, choking a bite down. “Could I get another cup of milk? . . . While you are at it, why don’t you bring the entire carton?” Our daughter’s smile was worth the deception.
The next morning Sande was rummaging through the cupboards. “Where’s the powdered milk? I bought a whole box a few days ago, and now I can’t find it.”
“Powdered milk?” my daughter asked.
Sande swiveled in time to see our daughter’s eyes dart to the infamous “cake.”
“You mean that wasn’t flour?” my daughter asked.
Sande burst out laughing, and our daughter joined her. No wonder the cake seemed so moist!
Cakes are relatively easy to make, but if you change even one essential ingredient, like flour, or you leave out the sugar, the result will be a disaster. The fundamental ingredient in any woman’s life is her relationship with her father. If that is missing or distorted, she will have to spend a good bit of time and energy overcoming the deficit. If a daughter hasn’t experienced unconditional love and acceptance with her daddy, she may tell herself she’s loved when a guy shows interest in her, when all she really has is a sexual relationship. It’s cake but without the sugar that makes a lifelong connection so sweet.
Some of you fathers and daughters haven’t had an easy road with each other, but that doesn’t mean things can’t improve. This chapter will start you in the right direction.
The “Stuff-y” Dad
Marcia, a single mom of two daughters, told me, “I divorced a year ago. My ex lives in Florida and has a really good job, while the girls and I struggle on my more limited income. He flies in one day, spends seven hundred bucks on our daughters, and then leaves the next day. I’m left to mop up the mess.”
Marcia noticed that it always took a few days to get back to normal in her house. Her girls were mouthy and critical, and their talk focused on what they didn’t have and wanted rather than on what they did have. Getting stuff from their dad only increased their desire for more stuff. They were becoming the Disneyland and Toys-R-Us kids, and Marcia hated that.
But Marcia also told me, “It was interesting that the girls always talked about what they did together—where they went and what he bought them. They never really talked about their dad and didn’t seem to relate to him much. He was merely the tag-along person who financed everything.”
It’s tempting to want to buy your daughters things, isn’t it? It’s hard not to want to lavish on your daughters all the things you couldn’t have as a kid. But don’t do it. Don’t make your relationship about things instead of the two of you. Things don’t last. Whether you’re living at home with your daughter or living elsewhere, what your daughter wants more than anything is you—your time, your presence.
Don’t make your relationship about things instead of the two of you.
Steve dotes on his only child, a daughter. His family is a middle-class one, but he loves to provide Jana with surprises. For her eighth birthday, he paid for all the girls in her school class to go with her to Build-a-Bear. For her twelfth birthday, he sent Jana and three of her friends on a plane ride to stay with her aunt on Martha’s Vineyard for a week. For her thirteenth birthday, he bought her a chocolate diamond ring. Then he started saving up to buy her a red Corvette for her sixteenth birthday. But look carefully at each of those experiences. Steve paid for them, but where was he? MIA at the event. He provided the experiences, but he wasn’t there. Why not? Because he was working the extra hours to pay for them.
His wife, Janet, the commonsense one in the family, told me, “By providing everything Jana wants, and more, he’s turning her into a brat. There, I said it. My daughter is a brat. I don’t even like to be around her anymore. When I told her no about getting something last week, she glared at me and said, ‘I’ll ask Dad. He’ll get it for me,’ and flounced out the door. I wanted to wring her neck . . . but I want to wring his more.”
After Janet and I talked, she decided to have a heart-to-heart with that hubby of hers. He was at first very defensive about his desire to provide for the family. But she pushed ahead. She was determined that things change in their family. “Providing the basics is one thing,” she insisted. “Turning her into the ‘I gotta have everything’ kid is another.” Then she threw in what I told her about “Stuff-y” dads and asked him, “Steve, are you giving her all these things to make sure that Jana likes you?”
That hit home. Steve hung his head. He realized he was. And he also realized he was patterning his parenting after his dad’s. Steve could remember only one time when his dad had spent time with him—when his dad arranged for an expensive two-week fishing trip. Otherwise, his dad was emotionally and physically unavailable.
“What made that fishing trip so special?” she asked Steve.
Then he began pouring out his feelings and his desires to feel his dad’s love. But he said he’d always felt disconnected from his dad, who provided many things for him but never engaged with him. Yet all Steve wanted was to feel loved, affirmed, understood, and as though he belonged to his daddy.
“Do you think that’s what Jana might want more than anything, too,” Janet said, “but maybe she doesn’t know how to voice it? Could all these things you give her be replacing what she really needs—you?”
Steve got it. He and his wife are now unified in their desire to make their family about relating to each other, not about things. The road won’t be easy, as Jana is nearing fourteen. She had her first wake-up call when she presented an extravagant plan last week for her upcoming fourteenth birthday with friends and Steve said no . . . and stuck with no.
Jana posted on Facebook later that day: My parental units have gone crazy.
And she hasn’t seen anything yet. However, if Steve and Janet stick with the plan they came up with, they can turn their “Stuff-y” dad situation around and start to groom a grateful daughter instead of a “gimme” daughter.
A Wake-Up Call
I grew up in a blue-collar home that barely covered the basics. Extras weren’t even in the “wishing” category. When I got married and started a family, I didn’t want them to lack for anything, the way I did as a kid. After my daughter was born, I started working a longer shift at the factory. Long story short, my daughter is now seven, and I don’t often see her because she’s in bed when I get home. One day last month I arrived at the factory to find out it was closed for the day due to electrical wiring issues. While I was driving home, I heard you talk about “Stuff-y” dads on the radio. What you said smacked me right between the eyes. My daughter only had a half day of school that day, so I shocked her and my wife by saying, “What would you guys like to do today?” What they wanted was so simple. We packed up peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, pickles, chips, Oreos, a picnic blanket, and a Frisbee, and drove to a local park. We spent the entire afternoon playing together and laughing together. Then we sat on the blanket and watched the sun set as we finished off the chips and Oreos.
When we were getting back in the car, my daughter threw her arms around me. “Dad, this has been the best day of my life, because I’ve spent it with you.”
My wife nodded, all teary-eyed.
Wow. I hate thinking what I’ve missed for seven years. My wife and I talked long into the night about what really mattered. The next morning, I notified my boss that I wanted to transition out of taking the longer shift and switch to the regular shift. “I have a daughter at home who needs me,” was the only explanation I gave him.
In less than a month, I’ll be on the regular shift rotation. We may be eating a lot more PB&J from now on, and our “vacations” may be at that park instead of a plane ride away, but now my wife, my daughter, and I are a team. Where one goes, we all go. And I love it that way.
—Roger, Illinois
What You Don’t Give Your Daughter . . . and What You Do
Some of you reading this book are on tight incomes. Rather than stew over what you lack and can’t give your kids, focus on what you can give them. When I come home from a business trip, you won’t find my suitcase filled with presents for my kids. I didn’t want the focus of my return to be on trinkets, but on the joy of renewing our relationship in person. So why would I want to give them a toy that they’d immediately want to run off and play with when, more than anything, I want time with them?
So does that mean I never bring them home anything? No, occasionally I’ll come across something on the road that fits one of my children well, and I’ll buy it. Like the time I bought Krissy a cute little lamp at a minimall. She’d needed one for quite some time, and it was just her style. But that present was based on a relationship, and not on guilt or obligation. My rule is that if I get one child a gift, I don’t feel like I have to get each child a gift. If I did, with rearing five kids in the house and as much traveling as I do for a living, I’d be bankrupt. Life isn’t always “fair and square,” and the sooner your kids learn that, the better.
For example, fast-forward to Holly’s response when I brought home the lamp for Krissy and nothing for her: “But that’s not fair!”
“Do you really want me to treat you the way I treat your little sister?”
“Yes.” She sniffled.
“But that’s not fair!”
“Okay, your bedtime is now 8:30 instead of 9:00. Oh, and your allowance is now two dollars instead of three dollars.”
The sniffles stopped. “What?”
“You said you wanted to be treated the same.”
“Uh, I didn’t mean that.”
I wanted Holly to understand that from time to time I might find something that was perfect for one of my daughters, but that didn’t obligate me to try to come up with a meaningless gift for everyone else, all in the name of “fairness.” Each daughter deserves her day in the sun and should be favored from time to time. That’s what makes her feel special.
I tried to keep that in mind as my girls grew, even in the small decisions I made.
Every Saturday, Holly and I read the newspaper together and talked over the news. We fell into a routine—I immediately handed her the “Life” and “Dear Abby” sections, and she knew I got to read the sports section first. This tradition became part of our special relationship.
On Fridays, I always brought the kids a treat from the bakery. It would have been easiest to tell the baker, “Give me a half dozen maple doughnuts,” but that wouldn’t have been nearly as meaningful to my children. Instead, I picked out what I knew they liked best.
Holly and Kevin always wanted chocolate éclairs. So did Hannah, most of the time, but every so often she liked to mix it up with a doughnut. Lauren had to have a doughnut with sprinkles. She’d lick off the sprinkles and frosting and throw away the rest. Krissy liked dainty little cakes called petits fours.
Every Friday, with this simple act of choosing treats from the bakery, I reinforced the following message to my children: “There are five of you, but I know each one of you very well. I don’t take you for granted. I never forget that you are individuals. You matter to me.” Do you think my daughters got the message? Take a peek at pages 229–30 if you wonder. Keep in mind that my daughters now span the ages of twenty-one through forty-two.
Making each daughter feel special and uniquely loved is one of the best gifts a father can give his daughter.
What Your Daughter Is Waiting For—From You
Being a good dad isn’t about playing Santa Claus; it’s about building a daddy-daughter connection. Dad, when you buy your daughter things to replace your relationship, you might think you’re keeping her close, in your court, but the opposite is true. Throwing her a bone—a gift—might make you feel like you’ve done something, but all you’ve done is push her away from you. When I asked twelve-year-old Morie about her dad, she shrugged. “I don’t see him much. But he takes me out somewhere cool on my birthday, we do something big for spring break, and then maybe do a couple big vacations in the summer.” Here’s the kicker: that dad comes home to his wife and daughter every night . . . but then does his own thing. He lives at home and provides for his family through his job, but he doesn’t connect at heart with them.
Think of it this way. Every day your daughter is asking you this question, whether she voices it out loud or not: “How important am I to you, really?”
Like the time Krissy and I were having breakfast together and a man walked up to me and asked me to be a speaker for a men’s retreat on May 16. The instant the date came out of the man’s mouth, Krissy kicked me forcefully under the table. I didn’t want to be impolite and cut the guy off, so I let him keep talking . . . and received another sharp kick from Krissy.
Being a good dad isn’t about playing Santa Claus; it’s about building a daddy-daughter connection.
Finally, with a glare and another sharp kick looming in my near future, I said to the man, “It’s very kind of you to think of me, but I have an important engagement on May 16. That day just happens to be my daughter’s birthday.”
There was an audible sigh across the table. Krissy was waiting for me to voice the words that proved to her she was a priority in my life.
Dad, if your daughter doesn’t feel important in your life, that affirmation may come with a big price tag—sexually transmitted diseases, unwed pregnancy, and a host of other consequences. If your daughter is starved for your affection, she’ll be putty in the hands of those who want to use and abuse her.
What is your daughter waiting for from you? If you asked her, what would make her feel most prized right now? Bet you anything that spending time with you is at the heart of that request.
Cydnee wanted to go fishing.
Amanda wanted to explore a cave.
Joy wanted to lie on the roof of their house and look at the stars.
But what was the common thread in all of these requests of the girls?
They wanted to do those things with dear ol’ Dad.
The In-N-Out Dad
I love In-N-Out burgers. My growing physique is partly a result of them. There’s nothing tastier than one of those burgers and a heap of fries. Every once in a while I feel guilty and try something like the “no carb” diet. But then I’m on the road, and those burgers tantalize me again.
In-N-Out burgers are fabulous. But In-N-Out dads? They’re downright toxic to a daughter.
A divorced dad once told me, “I gotta go see my kid next weekend and take her on this Girl Scout canoe trip since it’s not my ex’s thing.”
Note the wording the dad used: “I gotta go.” Not, “I can’t wait to spend a weekend with my daughter. We’re going on a Girl Scout canoe trip together.” He approached his relationship with his daughter as a “have to,” not a “want to.” Do you think his daughter has noticed that attitude? Frankly, how could she miss it?
There are many names for the kind of dads who drop in and out of their daughters’ lives: “hit and run” dads; “drop gifts off and leave” dads, “so many things to do” dads, “got another family” dads. But it all comes down to the same thing—they’re dads who pop in and out of their daughters’ lives when they feel like it. After all, life’s busy; they’ve got a business to run and their social lives to maintain, you know?
These dads can be single or married again, living in the same town or far away. The point is that they could make their daughters a priority, but they’ve chosen to relate to those daughters only when it’s convenient for them. Their daughters become afterthoughts, something to fit into the schedule if there’s time. And if that dad has a second family, there’s rarely time, not to mention he’ll catch an earful from his current wife if he spends time hanging around his first family very long.
Their daughters become afterthoughts, something to fit in the schedule if there’s time.
Even more toxic is the dad who shows up every third year, because he’s “supposed to” see his daughter, spends some money on her (probably out of guilt), and then leaves. In between, all that dad is to the daughter is an envelope that comes in the mail to her mother, with the court-mandated support payments. These are the ones I call the losers, the deadbeats, and the abuser dads. But my best guess is that none of you dads reading this book are in that category, since losers, deadbeats, and abusive dads wouldn’t care enough about their relationships with their daughters to take the time to read a book titled Be the Dad She Needs You to Be. If you’re a daughter or a mom reading this book, the sooner you “lose” that dad, the better off you’ll be. In my counseling cases, the mothers and daughters are much better off without such a toxic male influence.
There’s no way a daughter can feel close to that kind of dad, nor should she unless he decides he wants to change completely and become an involved dad. Many girls in that situation end up creating a sort of fantasy father, the close kind of dad they long for: a dad who supports them emotionally, who takes a genuine interest in what they’re interested in.
In-N-Out dads are toxic material to a girl who is learning how to relate to males. Such a dad’s lack of interest tells her that she’s not valuable, that she’s not worth spending time with, and that no males are trustworthy. Those messages will lead her to all sorts of poor relational choices with those of the male gender.
Dad, your attention is what she craves most of all. If you say you love your daughter, why would you not want to spend time with her and be involved in her life? If popping in and out of your daughter’s life has been your pattern, how can you change it?
No matter what age your daughter is—from babyhood to teenager—she needs you. She needs to bond with you. She needs to know that you’re a safe place to land and that you’ll always be there for her. And if she doesn’t see you all the time on a regular basis, she isn’t going to bond with you. Young kids, in particular, have very sharp memories.
Take a Careful Look at Your Schedule
Record your daughter’s events as your first priorities outside your regular workday, not your last priority, when it can fit in. When she has an event, show up if you’re local. If you’re long-distance, call her or text her right before the event; then do the same thing after the event.
Research Activities Your Daughter Is Interested In
Take your focus off giving her gifts, and substitute activities you can do together. If this one thing doesn’t change, nothing in your relationship will change. You have to spend time together to reestablish your connection. Find ways in which you can participate with her in those activities she enjoys. If she likes rock-climbing, find a local rock-climbing wall and try it out with her. If she likes concerts, take her to one, even if it’s not the sort of music you like. If she likes to paint ceramics, it won’t kill you to sit beside her and paint a dog or cat at the mall. Bet she’d love to have the one you painted with her, too, and she would display it proudly in her bedroom. Even more important, it’s a reminder of the fact, Daddy loves me.
Show Her You Think of Her Throughout the Day
Send little texts. Create inside jokes between the two of you. Find fun videos and pictures to make her laugh and send her the links.
Make Regular Appointments
If you live in the same town, go out of your way to make at least one night a week “Dad and Daughter” night. If you live a distance apart, make frequent trips to see your daughter, and use Skype or FaceTime so you can talk regularly, face to face.
Ask Her Opinion on Issues You Face
Your daughter needs to know you value her opinion. If you make that clear to her, she’ll also be more likely to share her own questions or issues she’s facing with you. But there’s a huge difference between asking a question and asking for an opinion. Kids don’t like questions. Their defenses go up immediately. But saying, “You’re really good at problem solving, and I’d like your advice on something,” shows that you value what your daughter thinks. She will welcome that kind of interaction and will go away from it feeling confident about her needed role in your family.
Do What You Promise
Felicia remembers clearly when her dad told her he and his mom were getting divorced. She was five years old. He promised that even though he wouldn’t be living with them anymore, he’d call her three times a week and come get her to stay with him on the weekend. That promise lasted for one week—the first week he was out of the house. He never did come to get her on the weekend.
Sondra remembers when her dad always promised to take her shopping “tomorrow,” but tomorrow never came. He was too drunk to remember most of the time, and when he did remember, he evidently decided other things were more important than his daughter.
If you were those girls, how would you feel? Angry? Betrayed? Ticked off at the male population in general? Who can blame them? The primary person in their lives, the one they thought they could trust, lied to them and let them down. Is it any wonder these girls develop into women with trust issues and they usually carry a lot of anger toward males in general? They also feel insecure in their relationships with men since they believed what their daddy said—until he didn’t follow through with those promises. Many spend years stuffing their feelings of loss, betrayal, and abandonment down deep. They don’t know why they keep pursuing men who are bad for them. They can’t separate love from lust. They offer excuses for the men who hurt them and blame themselves. What’s the little girl in them really saying? If I would have been a better person, or done this or that, my daddy would have loved me and wanted to spend time with me. He would never have left me or my mother.
Imperfect dads produce imperfect daughters who pay for their fathers’ mistakes with more mistakes of their own.
Dads who are trustworthy, never lie, can be counted on, and follow through on their promises produce trusting, healthy, balanced daughters who find trustworthy men who don’t lie, can be counted on, and follow through on their promises. If there is pain and brokenness in your family from divorce, separation, or disillusionment, the time to change the pattern is now, before it affects the next generation of your family.
The first step is deciding to change yourself.
The second step is changing yourself.
You can do it, if you choose to do it.
If You Want Your Daughter to Trust You . . .
. . . become someone your daughter can trust.
Especially for Divorced Dads
If you’ve divorced and left home, assuaging your guilt by taking your daughter to Disneyland or turning into the “Gift Daddy” does nothing to build her trust or your daddy-daughter connection. Regardless of the spin you put on it, you’ve already betrayed her trust by divorcing her mother and deciding you wanted a life elsewhere, away from your family. Or perhaps your wife divorced you. Now, to get back at your ex and to buy your daughter’s love, you’re providing days packed with excitement and spending a wad when your kids are with you. How can your ex compete with that? Typically, most women make less than men, even if they’re working full-time. It’s a recipe for relational disaster, with the smart daughter learning how to play Mom and Dad against each other to get what she wants.
I’ll be frank. You and your ex divorced for a reason—and that included not being able to get along. But divorcing each other doesn’t mean you’re no longer mom and dad to your daughter. For that daughter’s sake, lay down your weapons for a few minutes and talk through what’s best for her. Come up with a game plan that works for all of you. That includes basic rules that are a part of everyday life, such as bedtime, eating, and dating habits, so that your daughter doesn’t get tossed back and forth between two very different universes each time she switches houses, if that’s what the divorce decree stipulates. Then agree that neither of you will grill your daughter about what she does when she’s at the “other house.” Since women are relational, your ex will always want to ask your daughter upon her return from your house, “How late were you out? What did you eat? You look really tired—are you sure you’re okay?” These grilling sessions will plant seeds of doubt and mistrust in your daughter about how you are treating her. But if you adhere to this agreement, you and your daughter both will be secure in your love and safe care of her when she’s with you.
Agree that neither of you will grill your daughter about what she does when she’s at the “other house.”
There are two things you must do for your daughter:
1. Be there for her physically and emotionally. No matter what it takes, make her well-being a priority. If you haven’t done this in this past, if you’ve focused on your own welfare instead, you’ll need to win her trust once again. That means you make plans to spend time with her and support her in little ways, and then you follow through on what you say you’ll do.
2. Go the extra mile to support your ex. Your ex may be your ex, but a long time ago, you made her and your daughter your family. Real men take care of their families, even if the situation is far from ideal. Yes, your ex could be a real piece of work, but she is still your daughter’s mother. Don’t ever bad-mouth your ex. In fact, you should be doing everything you can to help her. Put in writing that you’ll continue to pay for your daughter’s private education and that you’ll continue your spousal support at least through your daughter’s high school graduation so that your ex can focus on what she needs to do most in these remaining years with your daughter at home—be there with your daughter. Start putting aside money to help your daughter with college, if she is so inclined.
Too many men leave their families and start new lives, perhaps with new families, leaving their first families in the dust as if they never existed. If you’ve done that with your daughter, it’s time to make amends. Not only do you need to ask her and your ex for forgiveness, you need to clarify what you will do differently and then do it differently from that point on. If you drop the ball, you won’t be able to reestablish a relationship of trust with your daughter.
• Don’t give ready answers . . . or even have all the answers.
• Don’t “should” on her. (You “should” do this or that.)
• Strive for a soft landing and your words will have more impact.
• Try, “Sounds interesting. Tell me more about that.”
• Do what you say you’ll do.
Some of you are rolling your eyes right now. There is no way my ex is going to accept an apology from me . . . not now, not ever. But to reestablish your daddy-daughter connection, you still need to do your part with both mama and daughter. Your part is to apologize genuinely for what you did wrong and ask for forgiveness. Whether the other party extends that forgiveness is up to her. You can’t control others’ reactions; you can only control your responses. For your relationship with your daughter to change, you need to make right all that is in your power to make right.
Is it possible for things to change? Yes! Jason and his daughter Kyra, now fourteen, are living proof. Jason had an affair, divorced his wife, and left to start a new life with his girlfriend, who was pregnant. Six months later, he married Megan, and their baby was born.
Kyra was nine when her half sister was born. “All I can remember is Mom crying every night after my daddy disappeared,” she says. “I never really understood what happened until a lot later.”
Jason disappeared for nearly four years from Kyra’s life, and Kyra grew angry. “I told people I hated my dad. But all I really wanted, deep inside, was for him to be in my life and hug me again.”
Then, a year ago, Jason had an experience that can only be described as a “complete change.” He met God Almighty in a personal way. Over the past year, he has asked Kyra and her mother for forgiveness, paid for a new roof on their house, and invited both over to his home for a picnic. “The first time I went there was really weird,” Kyra admits, “and I could tell my mom didn’t want to go. But she did it for me, and because Dad came over and told her how sorry he was for wronging her the way he did. I think she was so shocked she didn’t even yell. She said yes to going to his house.”
Jason disappeared for nearly four years from Kyra’s life.
When Kyra met her almost four-year-old sister, she fell in love with Natalie’s toothy smile. Jason’s second wife, Megan, had met God within a few months of when Jason did, and she warmly welcomed Kyra and her mom. Now Kyra spends weekends with her father, sister, and Megan, and the weekdays with her mom. Megan surprised Kyra by suggesting they turn their den into a bedroom for her. Together the two picked out the paint and decorations and worked on the room each weekend. “That gave me a chance to get to know Megan as a person, instead of only as the wicked you-know-what who had stolen my dad from my mom and me. She, too, told me she was sorry for what had happened, and then told me how both she and Dad had changed and wanted to do things differently from now on.”
Kyra’s mom has declined going over to her ex’s house more than the one time. “But I can tell she’s relieved that I have my dad back in my life now, and she doesn’t feel so alone when she needs help with bigger things, like replacing the roof,” Kyra says. “Dad even showed up when I told him our toilet was leaking and fixed it while Mom was at work.”
That family has experienced a miracle. Yes, with God anything is possible. But it also took a human being’s determination. Jason had to own up to what he did and ask for forgiveness. Without that major first step, Kyra’s daddy wouldn’t be back in her life right now.
What would it take for you to reestablish a positive daddy-daughter connection? Why not take the first step toward it today?
For Daughters Only
If you read the title of this book, Be the Dad She Needs You to Be, and you said, “Well, I wish my dad were like that,” you’re not alone.
As Jessica said, “I never see my birth dad. He exited our lives when I was eleven. Now the stepdad I’ve lived with for four years is the guy who picks me up from cheerleading.”
“I wish my dad were my ‘best man,’ like you talk about,” Donna shared. “Instead, he was around the house, like a piece of furniture, but never really available.”
“I lived in fear of my dad,” Marian admitted. “He was a church elder on Sundays, and the rest of the week he beat my mom and sometimes me. But still he’d make us go to church with him and act all righteous. One time when she had a black eye, he made her stay home and told me I had to tell people she had the flu. He threatened to beat me if I told anybody the truth. So I find it hard to even relate to a ‘caring daddy.’ There was no such thing in my world.”
“My mom ran our house,” Wendi said. “My dad was a real wimp. He brought in money through his computer business but did nothing else. I always wanted him to be the kind of guy I could count on to get in our neighborhood bully’s face when he tripped me on the way home from school, but I knew I had to handle it myself. My dad wasn’t somebody I could count on to be my protector.”
Some of you grew up with not only emotionally or physically distant dads but abusive dads. You suffered the marks of physical abuse, and the verbal and psychological slams from your father still haunt you to this day.
If you’re an abuse survivor, you may find yourself thinking, I’m not good enough. I’ll never be good enough. Such thought patterns became your life mantra because the one person you needed to love you, support you, and protect you—your daddy—didn’t provide those basic needs in your life. Some of you, as a result, have fulfilled your own I’m not good enough prophecy by dating or marrying men who are as abusive to you as your father was to you and your mother.
But I want to be clear. You were not put on this earth to be anyone’s whipping post, whether in words or lashes. You need to get away from any abusive men in your life immediately. Don’t take the “wait and see” approach. Run!
Extending Grace and Forgiveness
I know a woman who’s in her forties. Her dad is in his seventies. Stephanie and her dad have always had a rocky relationship for as long as she can remember. When her dad celebrated his seventy-fifth birthday, something happened. He grew softer, not as bull-headed, though he’s still a hard case to be around. But the biggest change is in his daughter.
When Stephanie hit the big 4-0, she did some soul-searching and realized she’d struggled a lot in life because of her dad’s negative imprinting. She thought back to her childhood, when she put her dad on a pedestal—at least for a while. But because he wasn’t by nature the warm, comforting presence she saw in her best friend’s father, Stephanie never felt loved. As she headed into her adult years, she closed herself off from her dad. For years, they’d only related politely about surface subjects, never digging deeply. On her birthday, it struck her that her dad had tried to love her in the only way he knew how—by making sure the mortgage payment was paid and that she had a warm coat and boots without holes in winter. His love language was being a good provider. Did he provide the emotional support she needed? Far from it. But he’d tried, more than she ever realized, in his own way.
In that moment, she decided to approach her father differently. With hard work, determination, and a lot of effort, she started to get to know her father again. When she cut him some slack for being human, she saw glimpses of things she appreciated and connected them to positive childhood memories. They now have a far different relationship than they did only a few years ago. Is it perfect? No. But both are working on it.
With imperfect dads, you can either major in the minors and drive yourself crazy, or you can accept your dad for the very imperfect person he is and go on. A dad who doesn’t love his daughter wouldn’t go into a coal mine or a factory every day. He had a reason for doing that . . . and the reason was you and your mom.
If you had an abusive dad, you need to forgive him, even if you are not able to meet him in a safe location to extend that forgiveness to him. How he responds to your overture isn’t something you can control. Saying, “I forgive you”—whether in person, in a letter or e-mail, or on the phone—frees you from the confines of your past relationship that will otherwise continue to control your life, your thoughts, and your relationships. When you do that, you’ll feel the release of years’ worth of hurts. You deserve to soar in your relationships. Don’t allow the past to weigh you down in such a way.
Does forgiveness mean that you reconnect as dad and daughter in situations of abuse? It’s not as likely, and in many situations, it wouldn’t be safe or healthy for you to do so, especially if the patterns of abuse remain in your father and his life has not done a 180. Never, ever allow yourself to become his physical or psychological punching bag for any reason.
It’s All About the Relationship
I talked with a dad last week who was struggling with his teenage daughter.
“She knows that our rule is no dating until you’re sixteen, and she’s only fourteen,” he told me. “But I discovered she’s been sneaking around, seeing this guy she met on the Internet. I’ve taken away everything I thought would mean something to her—her iPhone, her iPod, and her computer—to nip the relationship in the bud, but nothing works. She acts like it doesn’t matter. What can I do?”
“First of all,” I said, “nothing you take away from her will mean jack. Those are only things. What you’re missing is a relationship. As my friend Josh McDowell says, ‘Rules without relationship lead to rebellion.’ Your daughter won’t care what you think until she has a relationship with you. That’s where you need to start.”
Dad, do you really have a heart connection with your daughter? Or is your relationship defined by you giving her stuff or popping in and out of her life at your convenience or when work isn’t too busy?
How can you start toward a relationship? By first owning your role in the disconnect. You start by approaching her and saying the two hardest words in the English language for us men to say: “I’m sorry.” We tough guys are afraid that doing so will show our weakness. Actually, it does the opposite. It shows our strength. Only weak people are afraid of being wrong. Strong people learn through failure and making mistakes. To reestablish your relationship—the kind of connection you dreamed of when you held your little daughter in your arms for the first time—you need to show your willingness to enter your daughter’s world and to show compassion (another difficult thing for us men).
You may live in a different home than your daughter, but you can still establish that heart connection if you choose to work at it. And it is just that—a choice. Again, your daughter won’t care until you do. There are such things as e-mail, texting, Skype, phone calls, packages, letters, and visits. And believe me when I tell you that, to a female, a heartfelt handwritten note on a sweet card accomplishes a lot more in your connection than a Skype or FaceTime call.
Your daughter won’t care until you do.
If your pattern has been to be the “Stuff-y” dad—giving her stuff when you feel guilty or to replace what’s missing in your relationship—stop sending and giving presents. Those gifts will only alienate your daughter more and get her used to getting only stuff. Instead, work on your relationship. Text her little notes. Go out of your way to spend time together, whether that means a car ride or a plane ride. Focus on doing things together that she enjoys. Laugh together. Recall memories of easier early days.
If your pattern has been “the In-N-Out dad,” you have a decision to make. Either you’re in or you’re out. Jerking your daughter back and forth between the two options does immeasurable harm to her relationship with any male in the future. If you’re reading this book, then there’s a good chance you want to be “in”; you probably just don’t know how to do it. Getting involved in your daughter’s life starts one step at a time. It means, though, putting her first. If you’re divorced, that means she needs to be a top priority in your new life and your new relationships. If you truly want a relationship with her, you have to prove yourself—that you love her, that she’s valuable to you, and that you are trustworthy and are going to be consistent in her life. All those things take time, steadiness, and patience, but you can do it. In fact, for your daughter’s sake and for the sake of her future relationship with any of the male gender, you must do it.
Unfinished Business
For imperfect dads and daughters, life isn’t easy. But humility, compassion, and forgiveness can turn your relationship around and get it headed in the right direction. And the time to do so is now. Years ago, I saw a story in Guideposts magazine that still tears me up, even though I’ve read it a dozen times since then.1 Following is the condensed story, adapted by yours truly.
Sue, a registered nurse, was caring for a seriously ill man named Mr. Williams. He asked her to call his daughter.
“Of course,” Sue said, but that wasn’t good enough for Mr. Williams.
“Will you call her right away—as soon as you can?” he pleaded.
“I’ll call her the very first thing,” Sue assured him.
Right before she left the room, Mr. Williams asked Sue for a pencil and a piece of paper, and she gave both to him. Then she walked out to call the daughter.
As soon as she dialed the number she had been given and said “heart attack,” she heard a loud scream on the other end of the line: “No! He’s not dying, is he?”
“His condition is stable,” Sue reported.
“You must not let him die,” Janie, the daughter, begged. “My daddy and I haven’t spoken in almost a year.” She then explained that they had fought over a boyfriend. The argument ended with Janie running out of the house. Many times she had thought about calling her father and asking for forgiveness, but it never seemed to be the right time. “The last thing I said to him was, ‘I hate you,’ ” she said through her sobs. “I’m coming. Now! I’ll be there in thirty minutes.”
“You must not let him die,” Janie, the daughter, begged. “My daddy and I haven’t spoken in almost a year.”
Sue hung up, then walked into Mr. Williams’s room. He lay frighteningly still, and she couldn’t find a pulse. He had suffered a cardiac arrest. Immediately she put out the alert: “Code 99. Room 712. Code 99. Stat!” and started performing CPR. As she did, she prayed, God, his daughter is coming. Don’t let it end this way.
The emergency medical team rushed in with their equipment. A physician inserted a tube in Mr. Williams’s mouth. Nurses plunged syringes of medicine into the IV. Sue connected a heart monitor but was unable to detect a single beat.
The lead physician cried out, “Stand back,” and took the paddles from Sue to shock Mr. Williams’s heart back to life.
One hit. Two hits. Three hits.
Nothing.
Finally the doctors and nurses gave one another knowing looks. The lead physician shook his head. A nurse unplugged the oxygen.
Mr. Williams was dead.
When Sue left the room, she saw a young woman with wounded eyes slumped against the wall. A doctor had already delivered the information. Sue accompanied Janie into a quiet room.
“I never hated him,” Janie sobbed. “I loved him.”
She then asked to see her daddy, so Sue led her to Mr. Williams’s bed. Janie buried her face in her dead father’s sheets.
As Sue backed up, her hand fell on the scrap of paper she had handed to her patient moments before. A man’s scrawl read:
My dearest Janie,
I forgive you. I pray you will also forgive me. I know that you love me. I love you too.
Daddy
The note shook in Sue’s hands as she thrust it toward Janie. She read it once, then twice. Her tormented face grew radiant. Peace glistened in her eyes. She hugged the scrap of paper.
The father’s last act was to give his daughter a priceless gift—reconciliation. In the face of death, both father and daughter were willing to forgive. When both realized that time on this earth is not unending, they were desperate to make things right.
The father’s last act was to give his daughter a priceless gift—reconciliation.
Don’t wait. You may not think a renewed relationship is even possible—at least not the relationship you hope for—but why not at least explore every possible avenue? Life is short.
Someday that daughter of yours (or, if you’re a woman reading this book, that father of yours) who has been a thorn in your side is going to die. Of course, it’s statistically more likely that you, the father, will die first. Since you know that day is coming, ask yourself, Is there anything I need to say to my daughter? Any unfinished business I shouldn’t put off any longer?
Then don’t put it off. Take care of it right now, or as soon as possible.
You and your daughter deserve the chance at reconciliation.
A Good Dad’s Quick Reference Guide
• Say, “I’m sorry. Please forgive me.”
• Make a plan for reconnecting.