Are You a Man or a Mouse? Squeak Up!
There’s no higher compliment than, “I want to marry someone just like you, Dad.” How to help your daughter get the kind of man you want her to have.
Flash back to when you were holding that little bundle of joy in your arms for the first time. You probably were terrified to hold her. She seemed so small and fragile that you were afraid you’d drop her and break her. That wave of protectiveness you felt nearly took your breath away.
Your daughter may be still in the womb, a newborn, a toddler, in elementary school, in middle school, or in high school, heading out the door for college, already entrenched in the workplace, or already a mom herself.
But no matter her stage in life, one thing never changes: every girl needs her daddy. What characteristics make the kind of dad that stands out from the rest? The kind of dad that captures his daughter’s heart and builds a lifetime daddy-daughter connection?
When I asked my daughter Holly, now in her forties, what she remembers most about growing up in our home, she said, “It wasn’t the organized activities. It was the spontaneous fun, the Huggy Hairy moments, that stand out.”
“It was the spontaneous fun, the Huggy Hairy moments, that stand out.”
My daughters’ favorite game was Huggy Hairy and the Big Bad Wolf. I’d pretend I was a ferocious wolf, chase the girls around the room, “capture” them, and then put them in the “pot” (on the couch) to cook them. I’d sprinkle them with invisible salt, put in a few imaginary vegetables, and then say, “Oh no! I forgot the pepper!” I’d turn my back, and that was their cue to escape. Of course, then I’d return with the pepper and moan and groan as if I could never guess in a thousand years that they’d escape.
I didn’t follow any game book or any script. I was simply there with them in the moment. When a father is present and active in the home, that presence provides assurance, safety, and comfort to his daughter. But only regularity can build that sense of belonging to the family that children crave. As we saw in the last chapter, that’s why the “Stuff-y” dad, who uses gifts to replace his presence, and the In-N-Out dad, who thinks he can build a relationship with his daughter whenever he feels like it, will never be able to build the daddy-daughter connection his daughter longs for.
Dad, have you ever had your daughter say, “Please, Dad, don’t show up for my game [or concert or other event]. It’s embarrassing”? Well, don’t fall for it.
My daughter Krissy tried that once, adding that it wasn’t “cool” to have your dad come and watch—or worse yet, cheer for you from the stands. But where my daughters are, I am, so I went anyway. Even though Krissy acknowledged me with only a slight lift of her left pinky, which was resting on her knee, the joy in her face told me all I needed to know. She really did want me there. Guys, your daughters will do early in life what all women do—lie like dogs. They don’t mean to lie, but they do. What they tell you isn’t always what they really mean, like the time my wife said, “Oh, we don’t have to get dessert,” so I drove on, only to see tears sliding down her face a few minutes later because we didn’t stop for dessert.
You see, when you show up for your daughter’s events, you’re saying clearly, “You’re important. You matter. What interests you interests me.” I know you have a demanding schedule, juggling your job and your family. But when you are willing to put your own schedule aside to enter your daughter’s life, that says everything about her value to you. It’s the best defense you can give your daughter against the jerks and takers of the world.
Building a daddy-daughter connection doesn’t happen all at once. It’s all the little deposits of being there along the way. You might have heard the quote, “A woman’s place is in the home.” But this is also just as true: “A man’s place is in the home.”
Understand Her Instead of Trying to Fix Her
I learned the hard way that even psychologist dads shouldn’t jump in with solutions.
One time at breakfast, Holly was talking about a problem she had. The solution was so obvious I couldn’t believe my logical firstborn had missed it. So I spewed my wisdom all over her and waited for a pat on the back. Instead I was greeted with stony silence.
Finally Holly said, “Dad, you know what you ought to do?”
“What’s that?”
“You ought to read your own books.”
Ouch.
I’d pulled a typical father maneuver, running over her emotionally and telling her what to do instead of taking the time to enter her world. “Holly, I apologize. I was wrong.”
One thing about firstborns—they can go for the jugular. I was a mess for hours after that.
We dads want to fix problems. But, Dad, your daughter doesn’t want you to fix everything in her world. She only wants you to understand her. That means instead of jumping straight to an answer, as we males are prone to do, she needs you to listen to her process through the whole enchilada.
Instead of jumping straight to an answer, as we males are prone to do, she needs you to listen to her process through the whole enchilada.
What shouldn’t you say? “The answer is simple.” Why? Because it isn’t to her. This may not be your first rodeo with that situation, but it’s hers. If you want to develop a child who has problem-solving skills of her own, you need to allow her to walk through it.
Instead of offering a solution, you need to show empathy. Whoa, there’s a trait that’s hard to come by for us males. But when you develop it, you’ll be amazed at how it strengthens your daddy-daughter connection. “Honey, you really seem bothered by this. Why don’t you tell me about it?”
Treat Your Wife as the Treasure She Is
Let me ask you something. When your house is a mess, who is the first one who notices—you or your wife? It’s a biological fact that men are quite capable of walking past a heap of dishes in the sink and then going to bed and sleeping soundly. It’s also a well-known fact that estrogen and dirty dishes don’t mix. Nine out of ten women can’t close their eyes if the kitchen isn’t cleaned up.
How often do you get home from work before your wife and opt to clean the kitchen instead of putting your feet up in that La-Z-Boy? What would your wife do if you not only put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher but also actually wiped off the kitchen counters too? Imagine . . .
Nine out of ten women can’t close their eyes if the kitchen isn’t cleaned up.
Your wife walks in, exhausted from her run-around day. Where she expects to see grime, she sees a sparkling clean kitchen. For some of you, your wife might need to walk outside to check the number on your house to make sure she hasn’t inadvertently wandered into someone else’s abode.
Most of all, your daughter is watching. What your girl sees in the way you treat your wife sets the bar for how she will expect her dates, and later, her husband, to treat her.
So take a look around your house. Then take a look at yourself.
Your daughter needs to see you treat your wife as someone special and worthy of respect. That’s one of the reasons I never allowed my kids to mouth off to their mom. You shouldn’t allow your daughter to either.
A young woman named Elizabeth wanted to do something no girl had ever done in her hometown—run for the presidency of her high school.
“My father believed in me,” Elizabeth explained. “I grew up feeling respected.”1
Not only did John Van Hanford, Elizabeth’s dad, instill in his daughter the belief that she could achieve great things, but because of his fathering style, Elizabeth found it easy to relate to men. “I grew up liking men because I liked my father, and it was apparent he liked himself.”
It wasn’t surprising, then, that Elizabeth made a wise choice for a husband—a man who served for years as a respected senator from Kansas and then presidential nominee from the Republican Party. “What I admire and respect [in my husband] is what I admired and respected in my dad,” Elizabeth explained.2
Who did Elizabeth marry? A man by the name of Robert Dole. She went on to become secretary of transportation under the Reagan administration and also served as director of the American Red Cross. Today, women sit on the Supreme Court. They run businesses, have their own professional basketball league, win the World Cup in soccer, have growing categories of sports in the Olympics, and hold high positions in the military.
There are very few things a woman can’t do. If your daughter wants to be a pilot and develops those skills, she can be a pilot. If she wants to be a CEO, she can be a CEO. Your daughter has as much of a chance to fulfill her dreams as your son does. But sometimes those dreams can come at the price of family relationships. You, Dad, can prepare your daughter to think critically about how the world works and how the job market works. If your daughter wants to have a family someday and also have a career, she can learn to be creative. The Internet and telecommuting have changed the face of corporate America. You can help her explore these family-friendly ways to earn money.
Believe in her. Encourage her dreams. And give her a well-balanced view of how the world works.
The most important things you can do are what John Van Hanford did for his daughter: Believe in her. Encourage her dreams. And give her a well-balanced view of how the world works.
Allow Her to Hurt
The hardest thing a father can do is let his daughter hurt, but sometimes pain is the only path to maturity. If your boy comes home roughed up by a bully, your natural reaction is, “I’ll teach you how to hit him back . . . and win.” If your daughter comes home emotionally hurt by something a boy at school said, you start thinking about the bazooka in the back of your closet.
This is a tough world. Life isn’t always fair. Don’t stunt your daughter’s maturity by always rushing in to save her. Sometimes being a good dad means letting your daughter work her own way out of a tight, even painful spot in the constant swirl of changing emotions and relationships that girls face as they grow up. It isn’t easy, but it’s essential in your daughter’s development.
However, I’m not saying that you should ever allow your daughter to be abused in any way by a peer or any adult in her world. I’m talking about the everyday fine-tuning that happens when girls brush shoulders with others in their world and need to learn how to best deal with others, while at the same time standing up for themselves and doing the right thing.
Don’t stunt your daughter’s maturity by always rushing in to save her.
Mei Li, a petite second-grader, was often picked on by Mark, the bully of her class. Her dad wanted to rush right in and fix things for her—with Mark, his parents, her teacher, and the school administration. But he also knew that, as a petite girl, she might end up facing off with a lot of bullies in her life and needed to learn how to deal with them.
Instead, he taught her three steps.
Step 1: When the bully does something to you, you face them eye-to-eye confidently and say, “Please do not do that again. I don’t appreciate it.”
Step 2: When the bully tries it again, you face them eye-to-eye and say with determination, “I asked you not to do that. I do not like it. If you do that again, I’ll have to get the teacher involved.”
Step 3: If the bully does it again, then you tell your teacher and get her involved. Your bully needs to know you mean business.
(By the way, the one thing her dad did do was inform the teacher quietly of the three steps he’d asked Mei Li to carry out, so that the teacher would know if Mei Li talked to her, the encounter with the bully was already on step 3.)
With these three steps, thirty-five-pound Mei Li was able to face down any bullies at school who threatened her. After all, bullies lack confidence, which is why they bully, to seem bigger on the outside than they feel on the inside. In fact, by the end of second grade, Mark said to her with admiration, “Wow, you’re the toughest girl I know.” By third grade, Mark had become Mei Li’s champion, telling other kids not to mess with her or they’d have him to answer to.
To this day, Mei Li, now in eighth grade, is respected by all her classmates and faces the world with confidence. That dad did his daughter a favor when, instead of trying to solve her problems and lessen her hurt, he gave her tools with which to handle the situation.
To raise responsible daughters, you also have to allow them to feel a sting every once in a while. When one of my daughters started to whine about doing the dishes, I decided to nip the whine in the bud. I walked into the kitchen.
“Tonight, I’m doing your work,” I said to her, taking the dish towel out of her hands. “Go and take care of whatever you want to do.”
I chose my words carefully—“I’m doing your work.” There wasn’t a worse punishment I could give my daughter. I could see in her eyes that she felt guilty, and I wanted her to feel guilty.
I had barely put the last dish away when she walked tentatively into the kitchen again, looking lost. “I’m sorry I didn’t do the dishes,” she said in a meek voice.
“Do you understand why I was upset?”
“Yes,” she said in a barely audible voice.
“When Mom and I ask you to do something around the house, we expect you to do it with a happy face. What kind of face did you have?”
She hung her head. “A pouting face.”
I gave her a hug and affirmed her as a person, but the lesson was reinforced. She hurt, she grew, and she never whined about the dishes after that. In the Leman family, we all pitch in. That’s because we have a home; we’re not running a hotel.
The old adage is true: “No pain, no gain.”
It’s true in every area of life, including rearing your daughter.
A Daughter Needs a Dad Who . . .
• is honest and trustworthy.
• is even-tempered.
• gets behind her eyes to see her world.
• lovingly confronts.
• has a sense of humor.
• gives her the gift of positive expectations.
• cares and comforts.
• is full of grace and acceptance.
• communicates by talking and listening.
• makes her heart smile.
Teach Your Daughter That Others Matter
When my two older daughters were young, I befriended a man who worked at the gas station where I regularly filled my tank. He and his wife had little kids, and they had hit some hard times. When I learned about his story, I went home and told our family about it.
“They’re going to have a tight Christmas,” I said. “How can we help them?”
When I let the kids come to their own conclusion, somebody came up with the idea that they could donate some of their own toys for Christmas gifts. I made a point of reminding them that for something to really be a gift, they would need to consider giving away toys they really enjoyed, not just toys they never played with and knew that another child wouldn’t either.
My oldest daughter, Holly, had two stuffed animals she treasured—a wolf named Lilac and a raccoon with Olympic circles on it that she’d received for her recent birthday. Suddenly, she clutched that raccoon with a new intensity. Finally she handed it to me. “You said we should give the best that we can—and raccoon and Lilac are my best.”
The point hit home, and Lilac and the raccoon soon had a new home.
Dad, if you want your daughter to be happy, it’s critical she think of others first. If she is focused only on herself, she’ll always be frustrated because somebody will always be better than her and prettier than her. But a daughter who seeks to notice others first? She’ll always be fulfilled in her life’s missions, since so many people on this earth need to be noticed and appreciated. Her relationships will be rich and varied.
If you want your daughter to be happy, it’s critical she think of others first.
Because we Lemans focused on serving others, I see that same drive in each of my daughters and my son to this day. All five of our children are generous to the core.
Let me ask you a rubber-meets-the-road question, Dad: If you were to die tomorrow, what have you taught your daughter about serving others?
Robert F. Kennedy was assassinated when his daughter, Kathleen, was only seventeen years old. But in the years he had with her, he prepared her for life. “My father believed in setting difficult courses for children because that made them stretch to become more. My father’s credo was: Try . . . don’t give up . . . win!”3
Kathleen Kennedy Townsend has spent most of her adult life in public service, including winning a seat as Maryland’s first female lieutenant governor. As her state’s second-ranking politician, Townsend developed the first statewide initiative in the nation that systematically targeted crime hotspots by pulling together previously scattered government agency operations—community policing, probation enforcement, nuisance abatement, youth violence prevention, and community mobilization.
Have you taught your daughter the importance of serving? Does she know that life is more fulfilling when she focuses on making a difference in her family, her community, her nation, and the world, rather than racing to the gym after work to try to fit her size-10 body into a size-4 dress? Does she understand the importance of persevering and refusing to give up? Have you taught her that sometimes sacrifice and service hurts? That at times we have to give up things we want in order to care for others’ needs first? If so, you are preparing your daughter well for life outside the walls of your home.
Use Reality to Teach Life Lessons
“Daddy, do something!” Krissy said. Her eyes were frantic, and she was wringing her hands.
We were standing in a shopping center parking lot when we saw a man slap a woman across the face and then shove her into a car.
Before the words were even out of Krissy’s mouth, I was already hurrying toward the man and woman. But he peeled out of the parking lot in his car and passed us. The woman’s face was turned toward the window. She was sobbing.
When I made my way back to my young daughter, she was sobbing too. I hugged her. “Krissy, I wish you hadn’t seen that, but you need to know something. There are men in this world who treat their wives like that all the time. They abuse women and hurt them.” I paused, waiting for the words to sink in, so that she’d also hear my next words. “Honey, your job is to find a man who treats you with respect. One who will love you, care for you, and never hit you.”
Krissy was silent on the drive home, her brain working on overdrive to process all she’d seen and heard. It was her first encounter with the harsh realities many women face in life due to sick, predatory men.
As much as we’d like to shield our daughters from the ugly realities of life, it’s impossible. Bad things happen. The important thing is how you interpret the event for your daughter.
Often when our kids were growing up, we’d drive by an accident. A car would be rolled over, and police flares would be lighting up the sky. An ambulance would be nearby. I’d say out loud, “Bet it had to do with drugs or alcohol.” Before long, my kids would speak up before I did. When we came upon an accident, one of them would say, “Think it was a druggie, Dad?” On purpose I imprinted my kids to connect drugs and alcohol with accidents and other unpleasant events.
Bad things happen. The important thing is how you interpret the event for your daughter.
So many times we dads are so focused on trying to positively imprint our kids—with respect, career success, financial success, happiness, a good work ethic, and so on—that we forget to connect the dots for them on the negative parts of life. For example, if someone is irresponsible, lazy, and selfish, that often leads to tragedy, financial ruin, moral upheaval, and a host of other things.
It’s true that tragedy strikes good and decent people. But tragedy for certain will follow irresponsible behavior. It’s only a matter of time. If your daughter marries a violent man who cares only about himself and doesn’t value women, eventually she will be abused.
That’s why you cannot afford to be silent, Dad. Your daughter is looking up to you to help her determine how the world works. If you’re not talking to her and assisting her with interpreting that, she’ll be forced to guess and make her own way in life. Think back to when you were young. How much did you really know about the world? If you look back, what would you have changed, if only you’d have known differently? Do you really want your daughter making decisions now with no more knowledge than you had then? Scary thought, isn’t it?
Real Men . . .
• show their emotions.
• share their emotions.
• are honest and forthright.
• love their children unconditionally.
Imprinting on your daughter for a lifetime is only partially about what you say. It is even more influenced by what you do. Do you walk your talk? Does your daughter see love, kindness, stability, and a willingness to serve in your actions? Or does she see impatience, misplaced priorities, competition, and cheap shots?
Let’s say your daughter has to write an essay for school on how a male should treat a female. If it were based on what she sees under your roof, what would that paper say?
If you’re thinking, Ouch, then it’s time for a big change in your behavior toward your family.
If you’re thinking, Hey, most of the time I do all right, but there are those times when I . . . , then think through how you’ll respond in advance to “those times.”
If you’re thinking, Hey, I’m pretty perfect, then you need a bigger reality check than the rest of us dads. None of us is God, and we all need a little help now and again. That’s what this book is all about.
Ask Dr. Leman
Q: My wife and I split up after twenty-two years of marriage, because my wife had an affair for the last eight years of it and refused to give it up, even when I begged her to and said I still loved her. We have four children—three boys and a girl—but our twenty-one-year-old college daughter is the one who’s most devastated and caught in the middle. The three boys still live with me. When my daughter comes home to visit (my ex and I live in the same town still), her mom plans so many activities that I only get to see my daughter for a brief time. I really love my daughter, and I miss her. The two of us have always been close in heart and share a lot of interests. Her brothers miss her too. But she’s not willing to go against my wife, who is very strong-willed and skillful at manipulating others.
I’ve confronted my ex, saying that it’s only fair I get to spend time with my daughter and that she can’t continue to manipulate Julia like that. But she throws it back in my face: “Well, if she wanted to spend time with you, she’d figure it out. That’s not my problem!” Then she takes my daughter shopping, fills up her schedule even more, and pretends like they’re best friends. Any suggestions? My daughter is too important to me to let this slide. We talk on the phone and e-mail a lot, but I feel like I’m on the outside looking in at my daughter’s life, and I don’t like it.
—Bill, Michigan
A: Wow, your ex is a real piece of work, and I’m amazed you hung in there with an affair for eight years. But it’s clear to me what she’s doing right now. She wants things to be like they were with her daughter—activities they did together—when you two were still married. But with a divorce, nothing is like it was. It’s impossible to go backward and reclaim what you had. Your wife is stuck in a world of pretending that things between her and her daughter are hunky-dory, and life is as usual. From the picture you’ve painted of your ex, though, she wouldn’t understand that right now, so you can only work on what’s in your control.
Right now, you’re walking a tightrope. You should never, ever badmouth your ex to your children. They’ll figure out soon enough what the story is. If you badmouth her, your kids will turn her into Mother Teresa—trust me.
I suggest that you quietly arrange a time to see your daughter by yourself, even if that means spontaneously getting in the car and driving or flying to meet her at college. Tell her face to face, “Julia, I love spending time with you, and I miss that. I know you want to see me too. But it seems like when you come to visit, your mom has the whole time mapped out for you. How do you feel about that?”
From what you’ve said of your daughter, it sounds like she’ll likely say, “I don’t like it. I miss time with you.”
Then you gently say, “Julia, you’re now twenty-one. Within a year, you’ll be graduating from college. You’re no longer a little girl. You need to stand firm about what you want. Honey, I know you love your mother, but she doesn’t own you like a piece of property. When you come home, you should be the one arranging your schedule, not her. Then it will be your choice who you spend time with, how much time, and when. You owe that to yourself. So I guess you have a decision to make. You can live the rest of your life being ruled by your mother, or decide to take charge of your own life.”
With that said, you don’t push the subject further. You’ve planted the seed. The next actions are up to your daughter.
My heart goes out to you. But in the meantime, keep loving that daughter and engaging in her life however you can. Within the next year, as she graduates, her life will change again. She’ll need all the encouragement and affirmation she can get from you, with a toxic parent on the other side of her.
In the movie A Few Good Men, Tom Cruise plays Lieutenant Daniel Kaffee, a military prosecutor who is going after the icecold Colonel Nathan R. Jessup, played by Jack Nicholson. When the case seems all but lost, the young prosecutor sets up the caustic colonel and triggers his anger so that at last he blurts out the truth—that he did order the Code Red that killed Santiago, a soldier.
Well, Dad, this is when the rubber meets the road. Can you handle the truth? Take a look at the list of “good dad” qualities we talked about in this chapter. Put a little checkmark by ones where you say, “Hey, I’m doing pretty well in that area.” Highlight or write on another sheet of paper the ones you need to work on.
If you take on the “good dad” qualities list to fine-tune your character, I’ve got news for you. You won’t hit 100 percent on any of them. You’ll fall short. You’ll make mistakes. All of us do. But keep in mind that your goal isn’t to be a perfect dad. There’s no such thing on this earth. It’s to be a good dad. Being a good dad isn’t about buying your kids things or checking slick strategies off your to-do list. It’s about relating to your daughter—taking the time to engage emotionally with your daughter in her world. When all is said and done, how are you doing with that?
I had a heartwarming conversation recently with a father of two teenage daughters. That tough guy brushed away tears as he told me, “I’ve always tried to be a good dad, but sometimes I wonder if I’m making enough of a difference in my girls’ lives. Last week my older daughter, Michelle, broke up with her boyfriend. They’d been dating a year, and I was really nervous about the guy. I wasn’t comfortable with how he treated her. Know what she told me? ‘I want to marry someone just like you, Dad, and I realized Jake wasn’t even close.’ Wow.”
There’s no higher compliment a dad can receive than that.
Would you want your little girl to spend her life with somebody just like you?
If so, give yourself an A+, a pat on the back, and go out and celebrate with your daughter.
If not, it’s time to change a few things about yourself—for your daughter’s sake.
Are you a man, or a mouse? Squeak up!
A Good Dad’s Quick Reference Guide
• Walk your talk.
• Become the kind of man you’d want your daughter to marry.