There’s nothing more important in life than living a disciplined, balanced lifestyle—for you or your daughter.
Who doesn’t love to watch the Olympics? They’re so inspiring. Some of my daughters’ favorite events have been the gymnastic ones. We sweat with the performers over their floor routines and wince at a misstep or a bounce that goes out of bounds. But we all collectively hold our breath when the athletes are on the balance beam, where one tiny wobble could end an Olympic career, or a dismount could go awry at the last second.
Dad, every day you are walking the balance beam with your daughter. On that narrow beam of life, everything is about balance. There’s nothing more important than living a disciplined lifestyle, since it affects everything about your present and your future. But here’s the catch: if you want your daughter to live a disciplined lifestyle, you have to live that way yourself.
When Andrew’s daughter, Kristal, asked him if she could go to the school dance with a guy friend from school, he came unglued. “You are only fourteen years old, and you are not going to any dance with any boy for a very long time. I can’t even believe you’d bring that up.” He continued to rip into her until she burst into tears and ran off to her room, slamming the door.
Ouch. That kind of “I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow the door down” parental behavior will do nothing for your relationship with your daughter. Sure, your dad might have done it to you, but I’ve got news for you. It’s not going to help your relationship with your daughter, especially at this stage in a game where she’s trying to tell you nicely she’s interested not only in the dance but in that boy who has caught her eye too.
Thankfully, Andrew didn’t leave the situation there. After several more minutes of huffing and puffing, Andrew caught himself. He realized that he’d done exactly what he used to do, and what his father had done to him—without thinking. It had come naturally. But the result was that he had effectively shut his daughter down.
Do you think she’ll ask her dad about a dance again? Or will she be more likely to sneak out the door and go, to avoid all the hoopla of the huffing, puffing, big, bad wolf? If you make it a pattern to shut your daughter down, eventually she’ll find a way to get back at you, which includes doing exactly the opposite of what you’ve told her to do. It’s called human nature, and you’re not the only one who has it.
So after Andrew winced and realized what he did, and thought through what he should have done—open ears and disengage mouth, for starters—he knew he had to go to talk with his daughter. First, he needed to apologize.
If you were that dad who blew his top, what would you say?
Take a minute to think it through before you continue reading . . .
Here’s what happened next in Andrew’s story. He walked to his daughter’s room, heard her crying, and knocked softly on the door. “Uh, Kristal, can I talk to you?”
“I don’t want to talk to you!” she shouted back. “Go talk to Mom!”
Andrew did and found out, to his misery, that Kristal had already run the dance idea by her mom, and her mom had already blessed it. In fact, it was the son of a family friend who had invited her to the school dance. Ouch. Now he had two unhappy women in the house.
Andrew realized he’d overreacted based on his view of “Daddy’s little girl.” He’d like to keep her six forever, but checking the calendar, he noted she really was fourteen. In fact, she’d be fifteen in less than a month, and ready for driver’s ed. Where had the time gone?
A very humble Andrew knocked on his daughter’s door this time to say he was sorry. Then he said, “Wow, a dance. Sounds interesting. Tell me more about it.”
As soon as a dad says that, he goes into the smart dad column, and that’s the column you want to be in. Because if you’re in the dumb-daddy column, she’s not going to listen to you. She’ll give you lip service and maybe flip you a bone of information, but that’s all.
Think back for a second. What were you doing when you were in middle school? I’m old, so I have to think way back. When I was twelve and in the seventh grade, I went to a Halloween dance and danced ever so closely with a girl during the “Broomstick Bounce.” We shared apple cider and doughnuts too. Later that girl, Wendy, would become my best buddy Moonhead’s wife.
Think back for a second. What were you doing when you were in middle school?
We parents are very good at overreacting to situations . . . or letting situations go rather than addressing them because they might feel too messy. But there is a much better way.
What Kind of Parent Are You?
There are three basic kinds of parents. See if you can identify your own parents and yourself in one or more of the following scenarios.
The Authoritarian Parent
“I’m the parent. I’m in charge here.”
“Eat it. It’s good for you.”
“Get your backpack—now. Under no circumstances will you be late for school again.”
Many of us grew up with the authoritarian view of parenting, which says that adults are bigger—and therefore better—than kids. The authoritarian parent is the one who holds rigid control over his family. He doesn’t give his daughter any room to have her own opinion; what he wants goes. The only thing that matters is what he thinks. He holds the hammer of parental authority above his daughter’s head. But by acting like his way is the only way and attempting to be powerful, he only comes across as closeminded. That behavior shuts his daughter off . . . and effectively shuts down their relationship. Trying to dominate kids might work when they’re young and you’re physically more powerful than they are. However, power and control beget power and control. Somewhere along the line, the daughter of an authoritarian parent will make him pay in more ways than he can imagine.
Juvenile detention cells are full of teenage girls who say, “My dad never listened. He never cared. He wanted everything his way and only his way.”
Too many teenage girls are experiencing pregnancy out of wedlock because they’re searching for the daddy connection—the warmth and the love—that their own father didn’t provide for them in his own quest for power and control.
Many of the results of this parenting style are tragic indeed. The time for a change is now.
The Permissive Parent
“Whatever I can do to serve you.”
“Oh, you want to go right now? Well, of course. I’ll drop everything I’m doing and take you.”
“You want the car keys? Okay. By the way, I’ll take care of those two speeding tickets for you tomorrow on my lunch break.”
“My daughter isn’t rebellious, she’s just . . .”
The permissive parents are the “anything goes” type and the “fixers.” Some parents are very good at turning their daughters into power brokers by trying to make sure they’re happy at every turn. But all that does is create a kid who thinks she’s at the center of the universe—a kid whose whims hold everyone around her hostage.
Take, for instance, Mary, a nine-year-old girl who worked hard to be top dog of her school class. Problem was, her way of doing that was by threatening and intimidating other girls in the class. Because her parents always covered for her and rationalized her behavior, Mary never learned that actions have consequences. When Mary was twelve, she backed a girl around the corner at school and threatened her with a knife. Thankfully, a teacher came around the corner, and Mary tucked the knife back in her pocket while the other girl fled. But the other girl’s parents reported Mary and brought an attorney with them to school. This time Mary’s parents couldn’t change the consequences. Mary was suspended from school and is now in juvenile hall, awaiting next steps since many other girls and their families are now coming forward to act as witnesses to Mary’s bullying. This example may seem extreme, but it’s real life. However, it’s a direct result of permissive parents trying to smooth Mary’s road in life at junctures all along the way, when what that little girl needed was some tough love and major attitude and behavior adjustments. Now the entire family has a wake-up call.
New York Times writer Lisa Belkin noted that cheating, lying, and stealing are on the rise, and asks, “Does the problem start at home? With parents who wear blinders and, directly or obliquely, encourage moral ambiguity?”1 As a result of that article, a reader, Wendy, actually invited the police into her home after her seventeen-year-old daughter had stolen her ATM card multiple times and made purchases without permission. A police officer came over, handcuffed her daughter, and had her sit in the back of the police car while explaining what a felony was and what happens to people who steal.
Why did Wendy do it? Here’s what she said:
Everyone makes mistakes. I’d rather my daughter learn the consequences of serious errors while those consequences are still small and not life-altering. It’s sad to watch a kid with such potential suffer but it felt good to know I didn’t excuse her behavior, accept it, tolerate it, or make excuses. Burying my head in the sand does my children a huge disservice. If they don’t learn to make good choices while in my home, society will teach them to obey the law. I know I can say I love her enough to help her stay on the straight and narrow path—the one that leads to freedom and happiness.2
Contrast Mary’s parents’ behavior and Wendy’s behavior. Do you really want to be ruled by your kid? The sooner your daughter learns that life isn’t all about her, and that other people’s ideas and opinions matter, the better for you, for her, and for the rest of the world.
Often when there’s an authoritarian parent in the home, there’s also a permissive parent in the home. Usually the authoritarian tends to be Dad, while the permissive parent tends to be Mom, who wants to make her kids happy but in fact enables them.
Either extreme of parenting isn’t beneficial to a daughter’s well-being. And it’s even worse when the permissive parent allows the daughter to control the situation behind the authoritarian’s back.
The Authoritative Parent
The authoritative parent is a balanced parent who understands that each child is different. Some children will knuckle under and be repentant with a single glance of parental displeasure. Others will get defiantly in your face to secure what they want. The authoritative parent knows how to navigate both personalities to bring the best out of each daughter.
Your daughter may not always like you, but she needs the guidelines you provide for her because they mean safety. Without those boundaries, she will feel insecure about her role in the family and her place in the world.
The authoritative parent realizes that God Almighty hasn’t made one person better than the other, but we as parents have lived longer than our kids and thus know more about the consequences for our actions. We also have a differing role of responsibilities.
Dad, you’re the adult here, so act like it. Because you love your daughter, you provide her with the basic amenities of life—food, shelter, and an iPhone. But what she needs most is your steady, guiding hand and your unconditional love. She needs you to straightforwardly and kindly tell it like it is when she needs a wake-up call. And she also needs you to know that, when she’s somewhere she doesn’t want to be, the first person she can call, with no questions asked, is her daddy, who will come get her.
That’s a relationship you can stake a lifetime on.
But how does it play out in real life?
Let’s go back to Andrew, the dad whose daughter, Kristal, wanted to go to the dance. What he really needs to do now is come alongside his daughter when she buys that special dress for the dance and say, “Wow, that dress is a home run. It looks great on you. You made a fabulous choice.” A dad who gives his daughter the male admiration she longs for will be giving her a gift for a lifetime. If you don’t treat your daughter with respect and admiration, then some guy who doesn’t have her best in mind is going to say admiring things to her—things you don’t want to hear about. Without your affirmation, the chances of your daughter falling into that snare are much higher.
Parents create problems if they edge toward either side of the spectrum—the authoritarian/dictator, or the permissive/anything-goes parent. If you’re married, you need to be on the same page with your spouse regarding discipline. Mom and Dad need to discuss things before actions are taken, because if you say something is going to happen, it must happen. If you lay down the law, you must be willing to abide by it. Otherwise, your inconsistency undermines your daughter’s security. If rules are always changing or your daughter can manipulate you, her world becomes unstable and fearful. Taking time to think through the consequences first—both what they mean to you and to your daughter—will help you make wise decisions when you’re in the heat of battle. Your kids need to know not only what the parameters are but also what will happen if those parameters are not met.
Parents create problems if they edge toward either side of the spectrum—the authoritarian/dictator, or the permissive/anything-goes parent.
If you’re a tough guy and your wife is permissive, then you’re fighting a forest fire with a garden hose. Your kids will be miserable, yanked back and forth between two opposite sides of parenting. You lay down the law, and then your wife quietly negates that law behind your back, because she feels bad for the kids. Or you grant permission for your daughter to do something, and then your wife yanks it back from her, denying your daughter the chance to do something you’d already approved and that she already believed was hers to do. When your kids find themselves in this situation, they will then learn how to effectively play you off of each other, which won’t have good results in your marriage.
Here’s what I mean. You’ve issued a fatherly edict that your twelve-year-old daughter is grounded until the weekend for sassing her mother for the umpteenth time in one day. How would you feel if you headed out the door for your son’s baseball practice, and you overheard the following conversation between your wife and your daughter?
WIFE: Hang in there. Wait until Dad’s out the door and then I’ll take you to the mall with your friends like you’d planned. But we have to be back in less than two hours, before Dad and Sean are back.
DAUGHTER: Okay, but you’d better drive fast. I can’t be late.
Wouldn’t you feel more than a little betrayed by your wife, who is undercutting your authority? Even worse, she deserves all your daughter dishes out since she can’t stand up for herself. After all, you did what you did—grounded your daughter—to try to gain some respect from your daughter toward your wife. But if your permissive wife allows herself to be treated with disrespect, and even encourages it via her actions, nothing will change. The daughter is continuing to manipulate the situation. And now she’s got Mom even more over a barrel, since Mom is doing something that Dad forbade. As Sir Walter Scott said, “Oh! what a tangled web we weave / When first we practise to deceive!”3 Sadly, the above scenario plays out in many homes across the country. If it’s playing out in yours, you need to read my book Parenting the Powerful Child. It scratches where parents itch today.
When my wife and I talked about parenting, we agreed that we had to have a united front with our kids. We came up with a list of certain standards of behavior that we expected our kids to adhere to, and we trained our kids to those standards. I knew that I could take my kids to any person’s house and they would never walk into the living room and stand on their couch. How do I know that? Because I know my kids. I trained them to be respectful of other people’s property. There are specific things they would do and not do. They’d never jump on our furniture, so they certainly wouldn’t jump on someone else’s furniture.
I have a banner on my website BirthOrderGuy.com that reads: PARENTING ISN’T EASY, BUT IT’S SIMPLE. You’ve got to have a simple game plan, with both parents on the same page and acting in an authoritative manner. Add in unconditional love, acceptance, and cooperation, and you’ve got a wonderful, nurturing, noncompetitive environment for your daughter to grow up in.
What kind of daughter do you want? Make a list. In fact, stop right now and do it.
Do you want her to be responsible? Then give her responsibility. Be responsible yourself.
Do you want her to be kind? Then show her kindness and insist that she be kind to her siblings. Even more, show kindness yourself to others. For example, if a driver is trying to get in line on a busy freeway feeder, what do you do? Speed up and try to cut the guy off, or let the guy in?
Your daughter is watching. She’s absorbing the words you say, your expressions, your attitude. All those things are being entered like data in the computer of your daughter’s head.
How to Fight Right
• Shut your mouth.
• Listen, listen, listen.
• Don’t expect instant obedience.
• Keep your voice steady. Raising it won’t get you anywhere.
• Watch your own attitude. It affects hers.
• Always remember: Who died and left you boss? Her opinion is as valid as yours.
Discipline That Works
You’ll never win when you choose to do battle with your child of any age. You have much more to lose than your daughter. When your kindergarten daughter pitches a fit in Walmart, does she really care what others think? No, but you do. Does your teenage daughter care if her shirt is too tight or her skirt too short? No, because that’s the style and what “everybody” is wearing. But you care, and she knows it. As she parades past you and out the door, she gives you that “I dare you to do anything” look. What do you do in response?
There’s a great way to establish healthy authority in your home with a child of any age. It starts with three principles.
Principle #1: Say It Once, Turn Your Back, Walk Away
When you say something one time, you’re expecting the best out of your daughter and your relationship. She has ears, and she can hear you. Telling her something more than once is basically saying to her, “You’re so stupid, you won’t get it unless I repeat myself” or “I’m so uncomfortable calling the shots in my own home that I feel like I need to say it more than once to be heard.” Neither way will help you establish that healthy authority in your home as the authoritative parent you need to be. But saying something once says, “I respect you, my daughter, and I know you hear me.” When you turn your back and walk away, you’re not engaging in a battle of any kind.
After all, it takes two to tango, and you don’t need to do that dance, nor should you, with your daughter. How does this principle work?
For example, when that young daughter pitches a fit in Walmart, here’s what you do. Exhale heavily, with your hands dramatically placed on your hips, and say to the frowning people around you, “Well! Some people’s children!” Then you turn your back and walk away. I guarantee that youngster will stop her fit when she’s surrounded by unfriendly eyes and Papa Bear is already moving down the aisle away from her. Before you turn the corner of the aisle, she’ll be scrambling after you. After all, the fit is there for your benefit. Without your audience, it doesn’t work.
Then comes the test: When she, with her repentant baby blues, says at the checkout counter, “Daddy, I want a candy bar,” what do you say?
You say it once: “No, because Dad is still unhappy about what happened earlier.”
Then you turn your back and start putting your other purchases on the checkout counter.
You walk out of that store without a treat, even when the “But Dad . . .” begging or whining or crying starts. At that point, you become “daughter deaf,” even if the people around you are shooting daggers in your direction.
Your daughter will get two messages loudly and clearly: Throwing fits doesn’t work, and You don’t mess with Dad. He means what he says.
Ask Dr. Leman
Q: I have two daughters, fourteen and twelve. To say our house is a war zone, especially because we live in a small home and our daughters have to share a bedroom, is an understatement. They’re always in each other’s faces, and then my wife gets really stressed out. Whenever we talk about the problem, my wife begs me to stay out of it and says it’ll only make things worse. But I don’t want to live this way for the next four to six years until our girls go off to college or their jobs. Some help, please?
—Antony, New York
A: Good for you, because nobody should live like that. Your wife sounds like a firstborn or middle-born and a pleaser—someone who wants life’s highways to be smooth. So here’s what I suggest: quietly send your wife away for the weekend to her parents’ or her sister’s without either of you telling your girls. Tell her that you are going to problem solve between the two girls and that, since she finds the interaction stressful, you are granting her the gift of a little vacation to see what you can accomplish. Ask her not to call, text, or e-mail the girls from the minute she leaves to the minute she comes back. The last thing you need is for your girls to try to divide Mom and Dad on the issue. You don’t need to end up “the bad guy” to your wife.
Arrange to be home when the girls get back from school on Friday afternoon. Have plenty of snacks and bottled water already stashed in the family room since nothing works well with preteens and teenagers if they’re hungry. As soon as your daughters’ backpacks hit the kitchen floor and the bickering starts, call your daughters into the family room for a meeting.
Start with words similar to this:
“Girls, I love both of you, but I don’t like what is happening between you, the way you’re treating each other, or how your constant fighting and bickering is turning our home into a war zone. So, tonight, neither of you are going anywhere. You are going to stay in this room until the two of you come to a mutually agreeable solution for how you are going to get along. I sent Mom away for the weekend. She will not be contacting you this weekend, nor responding to any messages from you, while we work this out. Your cell phones and iPods will stay in your backpacks in the kitchen, where you left them, for the entire weekend. We will spend Saturday and Sunday at home, together, the three of us, with no one else involved. If you cannot work this out, I’ll work it out for you, and I guarantee that neither of you will like my solution.”
The arguments will start: “But Dad, she . . .”
You’ve said your piece, so you turn your back, exit, and close the family room door if there is one. (If not, you might want to pick a different room, but not their bedroom, which is the hottest warfare territory.)
For a while you’ll probably hear yelling, but then something amazing will happen. A profound silence will likely descend upon your home. If you can peek through a window in the family room without them seeing you, you’ll probably see two very embarrassed girls staring at each other. You’ve called their bluff, and they know it.
If they try to come out early and say they’re done, but they’re still not looking each other in the eye and the bickering starts up again once they think you’re out of range, march them right back to the family room. Sure, it’ll be a long night for all of you, but do you really want this fighting to end? If so, you’ve got to stay tough. You’ve set the parameters that they will work this out, so you’ve got to stay disengaged in the fight. If they pull you back in, you’re back to square one.
There’s one more thing you can do. It’s really important for teenagers to have their own space. Do anything to get those girls their own rooms, even if it’s installing a makeshift wall right down the middle of their current bedroom and putting one bed on either side of it. If you have an office in the house, and you could move your desk to the family room or the basement, do so. Or if you have an unfinished basement, and could build one of the girls a bedroom there or take a corner for your office downstairs, do so. Constantly being together has no doubt helped to fuel your daughters’ war. Everybody needs peace, quiet, a break from other humans, and some space to call their own. One of our daughters actually slept in a walk-in closet for a long time, but it was her space.
Good luck!
Antony’s report, a month later
Wow, the plan really worked! That night was majorly stressful, but life has been blissful since then. My wife came home Sunday night and whispered, “Hey, what happened? It’s quiet in here.” She was even more shocked when she saw both girls on the couch, laughing as they watched a movie together. It took until 2:00 a.m. on Saturday for the girls to work out their solution, but they did it. The next morning they asked if they could get dividing screens for their bedroom (one of them is a mess-maker; one of them is a clean freak), and if they could clean out the hallway closet so they’d have more room for their stuff. I surprised them by telling them I’d decided to give up my office so one of them could have it as a bedroom. I said we could toss a coin as to who would get it.
“That’s okay,” Melissa, my younger daughter, said. “She can have it.” She pointed to her older sister.
“No, it’s okay,” Mandy said. “It’s got more windows than ours, and I know having lots of light is important to Missy since she likes to paint.”
Wow, one daughter thinking of another first. I could hardly believe it. The girls helped me move my desk and used their screen idea to create an office for me in a corner of the living room. They even set up rules about when they could have the TV on so they didn’t disturb my work time. I was stunned. I didn’t ask them to do that. On top of that, they cleaned out the hallway closet of all their old junk and turned it into “office space” for me. They even moved my filing cabinet in there and organized all of my desk junk on the shelves for easy access.
If anyone would have told me a month ago that the change in our house could be this amazing, I’d never have believed it. But now, thanks to your suggestions, I not only believe it, I’m living it!
Here’s another example. Let’s say your middle schooler disses you or her mother before she dashes out the door for the school bus in the morning. Yelling after her, “Young lady, how dare you . . .” will only boost your blood pressure and start your day off with the kind of negative emotion you don’t need and psychologists warn you about. As for your daughter? She’ll be already on the bus, scot-free, thinking, Hey, by the time I get home, he’ll be cooled off. No biggie.
So, Dad, you wait for that teachable moment, when your daughter wants you to drive her to her friend’s house after school. You say, “Not tonight.”
She looks confused. “But why? I don’t have any homework tonight, and I already told Janine I could come.”
Now here’s the teachable moment. “I don’t appreciate the way that you talked to me and your mother this morning.” Then you turn your back and walk away.
Talk about heaping hot coals on your daughter. She’ll apologize—if not at that moment, within a short while, because now she’s got something at stake. Then she’ll expect you to take her. But hold your ground, Dad. “I forgive you, and I will expect you to respond differently tomorrow morning. But no, you’re still not going to Janine’s tonight. It’s up to you how you explain that to her.” You turn your back and walk away.
That’s putting the ball of responsibility in your daughter’s court. She has to be the one to explain to Janine why she can’t come. You’ve made your point, and your daughter will think through her words and actions more carefully next time because there are consequences and she knows you’ll hold firm to them.
If you want your daughter to take you seriously, say it once and only once.
So if you want your daughter to take you seriously, say it once and only once. Then turn your back, expecting your words to be followed. There’s no argument, no backtalk. Everything is stated in a calm matter.
Then you walk away and get busy doing something else.
Your daughter may be mad, shocked, confused, or all of those. Believe me, she’ll test you to see if this is only a fluke, because you recently read a book by some “family expert” called Dr. Kevin Leman and are trying it out. But when she sees you mean business, she’ll know that there will be consequences for her action—or inaction. Even more, you, Dad, will not be talked out of those consequences. After all, if you miss a deadline at work, you have consequences, including an unhappy boss or customer. So why not teach your daughter a bit about real life while she’s still in the safe environment of your home?
Principle #2: Share Your Disapproval and Your Opinion Gently
What about your sixteen-year-old daughter with the tight shirt and short skirt who makes you want to follow her to school and stand guard over her with a shotgun? You have a kind but straightforward conversation with your teenage daughter that goes something like this:
“Jessica, I know you like to wear that skirt and shirt. It’s the kind of thing all your friends wear. But when you do, the boys in high school put you in a category I don’t honestly believe you want to be in. I know, because I was a boy in high school once, and that’s what my friends and I thought. You are worth far more than that in my eyes, and I don’t want you to cheapen yourself. When I met your mother, she was all the more mysterious and intriguing to me because of what she didn’t show on the surface. You’re now at a place in life where many of your choices will be your own. I won’t always be walking beside you, telling you what to do. You’re growing up. But I want you to think very carefully about this decision, because of what it says about you and how it can influence your future, including the type of men you attract.”
You say your piece, turn your back, and walk away. You do not participate in any further words at that point, because if she’s a powerful personality, she’ll want to fight. But when you walk away, without raising your voice, and state what you did straightforwardly, I guarantee your daughter will think about your words, even if she does wear that skirt and shirt out the door. She’ll probably spend a lot of time in her room that night, going through her closet and evaluating her choices. Believe me, she heard you. At her heart, no girl wants to be a “cheap girl” in the eyes of a boy, and most particularly not in the eyes of her number-one man—you. The exception, of course, is the girl who doesn’t have a positive dad or any dad in her life. Then, due to the tremendous father hunger in her, she might act and dress in a provocative way that draws guys’ attention to her. The sad truth is, she’ll end up with the kind of guys who reinforce her thinking that she isn’t worth much, and the cycle of dysfunction continues.
The person your daughter wants to please most in the world is you, Dad. That’s why even a hint of your disapproval, stated in a balanced manner, can go a long way toward turning unwanted behavior around.
Principle #3: B Doesn’t Happen Before A is Completed
Let’s say that you asked your daughter three days ago to do a certain task at home before the weekend so that you can accomplish what you need to do on the weekend. You come home on the fourth day, and it’s still not done.
If you are an authoritarian dad, you’d whip into her bedroom and confront her. “Young lady, I asked you to do that three days ago, and it’s still not done! What is your problem? You could at least contribute something around here. Do you think we’re your slaves? I’m giving you one hour to get it done, and if it’s not . . .” And you stalk out the door. What did you accomplish? Nothing.
If you are a permissive dad, you’d quietly do the job yourself and not say anything. After all, your daughter must have been busy. She does have a lot to do as a student . . . (even though you know for a fact she spent two hours on Facebook last night). What did you accomplish? Nothing.
If you are an authoritative dad, you wait for a teachable moment. It’s Thursday night, the task still isn’t done, and you know she has plans with her girlfriends on Friday night. You don’t remind her; you simply wait. Friday evening, after dinner, she holds her hand out for the car keys.
“Dad, I need the keys,” she says. “So I can pick up my friends for the movie.”
When you pause, she prompts, “Remember?”
“Sure, I remember,” you reply calmly. “I also remember that four days ago, I asked you to do [whatever it was] before the weekend, so I can start on my project tomorrow. It still isn’t done.”
She’ll try the “Oh, I forgot. I’ll do it when I get home” dog and pony show.
She’ll try the “Oh, I forgot. I’ll do it when I get home” dog and pony show.
You’re smart enough not to fall for it. “I asked you to do it before the weekend started. So I guess you and your friends may be a little late for that movie,” you say. You then turn your back and walk away.
She panics. “But, Dad, I can’t be late! They’re waiting for me.”
“That’s okay,” you say with a little humor. “I’ve been waiting for you to do what you need to do for four days.”
Dad, you don’t back down. B doesn’t happen before A is completed. She won’t forget next time.
But let’s say in that scenario that your daughter has already left for the movie before you arrive home. Then you work in the teachable moment the following morning, using principles 2 and 3.
It might sound something like this: “Bethany, four days ago I asked you to take care of [whatever the task is] before the weekend,” you say in a calm, even tone. “However, when I came home last night, you were gone to the movies with your girlfriends and it still wasn’t done. So I had to do it myself. I can’t tell you how disappointed I am that you didn’t follow through on what I asked you to do. I don’t ask you to do that many things, but when I do, those are things I need you to do without being reminded.”
How does that daughter feel? Bad. She knows in her heart she was supposed to do that work. Most daughters would say, “Oh, Dad, I would have done it.”
Your response? You look her straight in the eye and say, “If that were true, the task would have been done. So this morning, after breakfast, I’d like you to reflect for a while about what you’ll do differently next time.”
When you do that, you’re disciplining your daughter in a gentle manner. You’re gently raking coals over your daughter’s head and making her feel a little guilty.
Let me take that back. You haven’t made her feel guilty, but the actions you’ve chosen to take—good, authoritative actions—have created guilt in your daughter.
Here’s the good news. It’s good guilt. Now is a prime time for your daughter to get in touch with her feelings. Simply being steady and calm while showing your disapproval will sting. The next time you ask your daughter to do something, the memory of your previous action will provoke her to get that task done. And in the meanwhile, your carefully measured action will maintain a normal temperature in your home in the presence of a volatile, emotional teenage girl.
Sometimes tough love is needed. In those cases where things need to change, first evaluate yourself. What part, if anything, have you played in your daughter’s responses and actions? If you have had a part, then pony up about what you did first, and apologize for it. Nothing can make you look like a bigger man in your daughter’s eyes.
Then, after reflection, decide on a plan of action. If you’re married, it’s critical that you discuss the plan with your wife before you act. We men are very used to doing things on our own, but marriage is a partnership.
If action does need to be taken in discipline, remember that B doesn’t happen until A is completed. Nothing is sacred. Not Grandma’s house, not school, not the concert, an already planned outing with friends, or horse riding this weekend. Sometimes your daughter will need the rug pulled out from under her so she knows that you mean business. But remember that it is possible to be firm, and to be a man, without being harsh.
Walking that Balanced Line
In general, we as a society rear kids to make no decisions whatsoever. We snowplow their roads of life until they’re smooth, make excuses for them at every turn, and do homework for them to lighten their load. We let them off the hook, not holding them accountable if they say they’re going to do things and then don’t follow through. We raise them to be the center of the universe, turning our kids into power brokers by trying to make them happy all the time. In many homes kids call the shots. But the catch is that we’ve created those children to be that way, and now we’re being held hostage by them.
What we should be teaching them is responsibility and accountability and that others matter. But we can only teach what we do ourselves. Who we are shouts louder than what we say.
So dads, be careful what you say to your daughters and how you say it. Watch how you live and interact with others. If you teach your daughter the old-fashioned values of responsibility, compassion for others, and respect for herself, and you model them yourself, you set your daughter up for not only a disciplined lifestyle but healthy, balanced relationships in all areas of her life, especially with men.
Your involvement, your interest, your wisdom make all the difference to your daughter now and in the future.
A Good Dad’s Quick Reference Guide
• Keep your cool.
• Balance always wins the game.