CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Be Free with Your Body
“When we were discussing sex in marriage during a Bible study, the teacher said the wife in the Song of Solomon performs a nude dance as part of their lovemaking. I don’t believe it. Surely this isn’t in the Bible! I could never do that!”
Is there really such a thing in the Bible? Read on and see for yourself.
UNDERSTANDING THE SONG
Tirzah: “I went down to the orchard of nut trees to see the blossoms of the valley, to see whether the vine had budded or the pomegranates had bloomed.” (6:11)
While there is some disagreement, most commentators believe this is Tirzah speaking. The imagery suggests she desires a sexual encounter with her husband. The word translated as “orchard” is the Hebrew word for garden (ginnat), which, as pointed out earlier, refers to the female genitals.[1] This verse is the only one in the Song where ginnat is used to refer to an “orchard of nut trees,” but in extrabiblical literature, references to nuts and nut groves often had sexual connotations.[2] So when Tirzah speaks of going down to the nut grove, she is likely expressing her desire for sexual intimacy, as supported by the fact that she wants to see if the pomegranates have bloomed.
In biblical times, the pomegranate was commonly viewed as an aphrodisiac. The juice of the fruit was often mingled with wine, and its seeds were a common symbol of fertility.[3] So when Tirzah says she wants to see if the vine has budded and the pomegranates have bloomed, she is saying she wants to explore her husband’s body. The budding of the vine and the blooming of the pomegranates speak of the blossoming of sexual passion.
Tirzah: “Before I was aware, my soul set me over the chariots of my noble people.” (verse 12)
This verse is the most obscure in the Song. It has also been translated, “Before I realized it, I found myself in my princely bed with my beloved one” (NLT) and “Before I was aware, my fancy set me in a chariot beside my prince” (NRSV). Is Tirzah in bed with her beloved, or in a chariot with him? We aren’t sure, but in either case, Tirzah’s words express strong passion for her husband.
The Chorus to Tirzah: “Come back, come back, O Shulammite; come back, come back, that we may gaze at you!” (verse 13)
By calling her Shulammite, the chorus is referring to Tirzah as Mrs. Solomon. Her thoughts show that her whole being longs to be reunited with her lover. What follows is very erotic. Get ready —this is hot stuff!
Tirzah to the Chorus and to Solomon: “Why should you gaze at the Shulammite, as at the dance of the two companies?” (verse 13)
This verse is a tease meant for Solomon’s ears. The queen is being coy. As the following verses will show, she is performing an erotic dance before her husband. He can see her entire body, so we assume she is either nude or dressed in very transparent clothing. She toys with him as she sways before him and asks, “Solomon, why are you staring at me?” (Need she ask?)
Her dance is called “The Dance of the Mahanaim” or of the two companies, because Mahanaim was the place where Jacob’s company met Esau’s army. It was also the place where Jacob wrestled with the angel (see Genesis 32:24-32). Perhaps Tirzah’s sensuous swaying dance movements contained beauty as magnificent and transporting as the dance of an angel.[4]
In the first five verses of chapter 7 that follow, Solomon again employs a wasf —the literary device that poetically praises the parts of the body in sequential order. In the first three wasfs (see Song 4:1-7,12-14; 5:10-16; 6:4-7), the praise started at the top of the head and progressed downward. But here (7:1-8), Solomon begins with Tirzah’s feet and works his way upward:
- Feet (verse 1)
- Upper part of thighs, rounding of hips (verse 1)
- Navel, like a round goblet (verse 2)
- Belly, like a heap of wheat (verse 2)
- Breasts, like two fawns (verse 3)
- Neck, like a tower of ivory (verse 4)
- Eyes, like pools of Heshbon (verse 4)
- Nose, like a tower of Lebanon (verse 4)
- Head, crowns you like Carmel (verse 5)
- Hair, tresses (verse 5)
Solomon to Tirzah: “How beautiful are your feet in sandals, O prince’s daughter! The curves of your hips are like jewels, the work of the hands of an artist. Your navel is like a round goblet which never lacks mixed wine.” (verses 1-2)
To speak of the curves of Tirzah’s hips is a beautiful way of expressing the exquisite craftsmanship and symmetric beauty of his wife’s thighs. The Hebrew word shor is translated here as “navel,” but it probably does not refer to Tirzah’s belly button. While shor could mean that, it is generally translated as “vulva.”[5] The description that the shor “never lacks mixed wine” speaks of it as a source of sexual pleasure and moistness.[6] Furthermore, the belly button is not noted as a place of moisture or sexual pleasure, but this description fits the vulva well.[7] As she dances before him, Solomon views his wife’s shor and says it looks to him like a “round goblet” or “a bowl in the shape of a half moon.”[8] The allusion to her vulva seems obvious and makes sense, given the sequential progression of Solomon’s description of his wife’s body.
Wine is used throughout the Song (see 1:2; 5:1) and in eastern erotic poems as a symbol of sexual pleasure. Solomon is suggesting that Tirzah’s vulva is a never-lacking source of sexual pleasure for him. “Mixed wine” refers to a mixing of his sexual pleasure with hers —of wine and milk (see 5:1). Longman says, “The description of the woman’s aperture as containing wine implies the man’s desire to drink from the sensual bowl. Thus, this may be a subtle and tasteful allusion to the intimacies of sex.”[9]
Solomon to Tirzah: “Your belly is like a heap of wheat fenced about with lilies.” (verse 2)
In Syria, perfect skin was compared in color to the yellowish-white of wheat after it had been threshed and winnowed.[10] Here Tirzah’s shor is described as wine and wheat, food commonly associated with a meal. The combination of these images compose a feast[11] and suggest Solomon’s desire to kiss these areas as he later expresses a desire to kiss her breasts.
Solomon to Tirzah: “Your two breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle.” (verse 3)
This phrase, also found in Song 4:5, suggests that the softness of her breasts invited his touch.
Solomon to Tirzah: “Your neck is like a tower of ivory. Your eyes like the pools in Heshbon, by the gate of Bath-rabbim. Your nose is like the tower of Lebanon, which faces toward Damascus.” (verse 4)
Tirzah’s neck is important to Solomon. In Song 4:4 he praised her stately and adorned neck, and he is doing the same here. With her hair swept up, her smooth pale neck looked like a tower of ivory. As he gazes into their depths, her eyes cause him to feel calm and tranquil. Solomon longs to penetrate the mysterious depths of his beloved’s body and soul.
Having a neck like ivory is one thing, but the wives writing this book would not like to be told that their noses looked like a tower! One commentator believes that the comparison is linguistic and not visual, for the root of the Hebrew words can mean Lebanon and frankincense. So Solomon could be saying that her nose is straight, like the tower of Lebanon, or he may be saying it’s pale and fragrant.[12] (Still, the wives writing this book believe that Solomon, although normally a master of praise, was not up to par with this analogy).
Solomon to Tirzah: “Your head crowns you like Carmel, and the flowing locks of your head are like purple threads; the king is captivated by your tresses.” (verse 5)
As majestic Mount Carmel crowned the fertile plains of Palestine, so Tirzah’s beautiful face sits exquisitely atop her lovely figure. Purple is a royal color, and Solomon sees his wife’s hair as queenly. Her magnificent flowing tresses hold him captive.
Solomon to Tirzah: “How beautiful and how delightful you are, my love, with all your charms!” (verse 6)
This verse could be paraphrased, “How beautiful and delightful you are, skilled in giving sexually delightful caresses.”[13] The Hebrew word for charm, tahanug, is very intensive and refers to “the delights of love”[14] and combines the ideas of luxury and exquisite delight; she is a “daughter for all pleasure.”[15] Tirzah is a master at pleasuring her husband.
Solomon to Tirzah: “Your stature is like a palm tree, and your breasts are like its clusters.” (verse 7)
Solomon is increasingly aroused as he gazes upon his wife’s breasts and swaying body. The palm tree serves as a very exotic description of Solomon’s beloved. It sways in the wind with inexpressible gracefulness but seldom breaks.
Solomon to Tirzah: “I said, ‘I will climb the palm tree, I will take hold of its fruit stalks.’ Oh, may your breasts be like clusters of the vine.” (verse 8)
In this verse, Solomon is mixing two images of fruit —the date palm and the grape vine —to say to his wife, “I want you now! I will make love to you and caress your breasts.”
The phrase climb the palm tree has very erotic connotations. Since the earliest times, female flowers on date palms have been artificially fertilized. The male and female flowers grow on separate trees, in clusters among the leaves. In order to fertilize the female tree, one must climb the male tree and get some of its flowers and then ascend the female tree and tie a bunch of the pollen-bearing male flowers among the female flowers.[16] So climbing the palm tree is essentially fertilizing it.
Solomon then changes images from date palms to grape clusters, likely because grapes swell and become increasingly round as they ripen, similar to the female breasts when sexually aroused. This metaphor too is highly erotic. In Palestine, a vine grower had an almost personal relationship with his vines. The farmer had to work lovingly with each one to cause them to ripen, and then he would get to taste the yield. In effect, Solomon has aroused Tirzah to the point that her breasts are ripened and engorged and ready to yield the best “wine” possible.
Solomon to Tirzah: “And the fragrance of your breath like apples, and your mouth like the best wine!” (verses 8-9)
Solomon longs to taste not only her breasts but also her breath, which is deliciously scented with apples and like the best-vintage wine. The mingling of the sweet scents enhances the experience of their lovemaking. Also, the use of the word apple, which was thought to be an aphrodisiac,[17] indicates Solomon’s longing for Tirzah to be excited and eager to reach the heights of pleasure with him.
Solomon is beside himself with desire. His wife has captivated him by dancing seductively before him. God had created him to be aroused through the eyes, and Tirzah is skilled at giving him all any husband could desire in a lover. This grand dance climaxes in exquisite lovemaking. As the two lie together in oneness, Tirzah speaks.
Tirzah to Solomon: “It goes down smoothly for my beloved, flowing gently through the lips of those who fall asleep.” (verse 9)
Tirzah says her love is totally and completely satisfying to her husband. “It goes down smoothly” is a reference to the “wine” or high sexual pleasure. As wine causes the body to relax and drift into sleep, so their love has left them sweetly exhausted, and they fall asleep in each other’s arms.
Tirzah to Solomon: “I am my beloved’s, and his desire is for me.” (verse 10)
As they drift into peaceful oblivion, Tirzah whispers this beautiful benediction before sleep whisks her away: “I belong to him. He desires me. I am blessed among women.”
APPLYING THE SONG FOR WIVES
Several months ago, a woman called Linda to ask, “Do you and Lorraine give dance lessons?”
“Excuse me?” Linda replied.
“You know, that wife in the Song of Solomon. Can you and Lorraine give me lessons so I can dance like she did?”
We want to make one thing clear: We do not give dance lessons! Nor are we suggesting that you run out and buy a sexy teddy and dance seductively before your husband. Our job is not to approve specific acts, such as erotic dances, but rather to help you understand the Song so that you can apply God’s Word in a way that is unique and personal to your intimacy. So here our focus will not be on Tirzah’s actions but on her attitude, which proclaimed, “Because I am sexually free, I can use my body provocatively to delight my mate.”
Are you free with your body in the privacy of your intimacy? Or do fears or insecurities inhibit expression? Let’s look at some things you can do to overcome your inhibitions and then talk about the key role your husband plays in helping you become sexually free with your body.
Say Yes to Sexual Freedom
The word inhibit means to restrain, to hinder, to prohibit, to check. Do women suffer from inhibitions? Yes. As we talk to women around the country, we would say 50 percent or more feel that their inhibitions hinder lovemaking with their husbands. They desire to be free, but instead they are tied with ropes of restraint. What are these restraints?
Cultural modesty: Many are brought up to believe that good Christian girls are proper, and proper girls are not wild and crazy in bed.
Guilt or shame: Many wives were sexually free before they were married, and now when it is right to be free, they can’t get over guilt and shame from their past.
Embarrassment: Some wives think, I could never provocatively display my body to my husband. I get embarrassed just thinking about it!
Fear of rejection: What if he laughs or makes a sarcastic comment about my body or ridicules my sexy dance steps?
Sexual abuse: Because of the deep pain of past memories, many wives can hardly make love, let alone be sexually uninhibited.
Inadequacy: Pictures of models and movie stars with voluptuous breasts and flat tummies assault women daily, so at night when they crawl into bed, they cover up because they don’t measure up. Most women feel inadequate at some level. Men’s magazines are filled with pictures of beautiful women, but so are women’s magazines, and it can be intimidating.
Throughout this book, we’ve said that God wants you to enjoy sex and be uninhibited in bed. We’ve talked about what God permits and prohibits sexually and about releasing control of your body to your husband. And we’ve explained how God can set you free from any guilt and shame associated with your past. But we know that the gap between “I can make love only in the dark under the covers” and “I am free and creative in bed” can feel as expansive as the Grand Canyon. Don’t give up. It is possible to throw off your fears and be free.
For some women, freedom follows quickly on the heels of their commitment to being an uninhibited lover. But for others, freedom is something they grow into —growth comes each time they say yes to expression and no to the restraints that hold them captive. What is the process to becoming sexually free? How do you know when you have arrived? The key lies in your ability to honestly answer yes to the following three questions.
1. Have you embraced God’s perspective of sex?
If you don’t know whether to say yes or no to this question, get out a sheet of paper and write five adjectives that describe your attitude about sex. Did you include words such as fun, adventurous, or exciting? Or did you write words such as uncomfortable, predictable, or duty? Has your attitude become more aligned with God’s attitude since you began reading this book? If your perspective could use more alignment, go back to the beginning and read again all the chapters up to this point. As you read, ask God to speak to your heart.
Getting God’s perspective is the most important step you can take to becoming uninhibited with your body. Once you truly understand that God gives you permission for pleasure, that He blesses your sexual relationship with your husband, you will begin to experience freedom. One woman said, “Knowing that what I am doing in bed is pure and holy in the eyes of God has set me free. I’m becoming like the uninhibited wife in the Song of Solomon.”
The bottom line is this: If you don’t have God’s perspective of sex, you will continue to feel restraint in the bedroom. But if you answered yes, you are ready for the second question.
2. Have you given your body to your mate as a gift?
We have a folder filled with stories from women who say that giving the gift of their bodies to their husbands was crucial in their ability to overcome inhibitions in the bedroom. Remember, this is not about giving your body for the purpose of sex but about releasing authority of your body to your husband (see 1 Corinthians 7:4; refer to pages 141–142 about the gift exchange). When you have given your body as a gift to your husband, you will develop an inner desire to please him sexually, as these wives testify:
What has helped me to overcome my embarrassment? I see his joy.
The thing that has given me the greatest freedom is realizing that letting go in my mind, heart, and body is the biggest turn-on for him.
When you have God’s perspective concerning intimacy with your husband, it frees your mind before God. When you give the gift of your body to your husband, it frees you before your lover. Most women find that this decision triggers something that enables them to be more expressive with their bodies. Now for the final question. Are you ready? It involves courage and actually doing something to demonstrate your God-given freedom.
3. Will you demonstrate your freedom through new actions?
Being free is part knowledge and part jumping off a cliff and going for it. It involves taking a risk with your body —leaping forward by faith and having no assurance of the outcome. We know —it’s scary. What if he hates what I try? What if I start something and feel like I can’t follow through with it? What if I look stupid rather than sexy?
Every woman has inhibition hurdles over which she must jump. Some have an entire track filled with hurdles every few feet; others have only a few. We can procrastinate and never run the race for sexual freedom, or we can jump —one hurdle at a time. All your jumps won’t be perfect. You’ll miss a few. At times, you might feel awkward and ungraceful. On occasion, you might fall flat on your face. But next time, it likely will be easier. Here are some comments from a few hurdle jumpers:
I love this man. I knew what he wanted, and I never had tried it before. I realized I just needed to go forward and do it. So I shut my eyes and went for it.
To get over my inhibitions, first I picture in my mind what I want to do. Then, as the slogan says, I just do it!
When I choose to do something I don’t feel comfortable with but that my husband likes, I view my obedience as an act of worship to God that pleases both my husband and my Lord.
I made a commitment to grow sexually. I am far less inhibited now than I was five years ago. I hope to be even freer in another five years. By the time I’m fifty, my husband won’t even know what hit him.
Wives sometimes look at their inhibition hurdles and think, I’ll wait a while —this will be easier in five years. Sometimes this might be true, but most often not. Why not decide today to be free? God is a trustworthy God. Trust Him to help you run this race. You won’t regret it, nor will your husband. Will you pray?
Lord, I want to embrace the beauty and fun that You want me to have. Please give me the courage to become like the wife in the Song of Solomon. I choose today to take a step forward in freedom.
While you reflect on what you have just read, hand this book over to your husband, because now we have a few things to say to him about how he can help you over the inhibition hurdles.
Husbands: Love Her to Freedom
Would you like for your wife to be sexually free, for her to be able to use her body sensuously to arouse you and bring you delight? We thought so. Well, you can help her achieve this noble goal. We surveyed thousands of wives, and they tell us that you are key to your wife’s overcoming her inhibitions. In chapter 7, you learned that your wife’s greatest need is to be loved with a deep, cherishing type of love. This is especially true in the bedroom. Nothing will help her overcome her sexual inhibitions faster than your love, acceptance, praise, and appreciation of her. Let’s look at how you can best communicate these concepts.
Solomon encouraged Tirzah to be sexually free by wrapping a cloak of security around her with words of praise. We’ve talked repeatedly about the power of praise because Scripture repeats this message over and over. Rather than tell you what to say, we will share with you what wives have told us their husbands said that helped them overcome their inhibitions:
When I was pregnant with our fifth child, I was very disturbed about my appearance. My husband asked me to undress and relax on the bed, and I automatically pulled a sheet over my body to hide. He gently pulled the sheet off me and started to tell me the beauty that he saw with each part of my body, beginning at the top of my head and moving down to my toes. We then experienced a deep, intimate time of making love like no other.
I have one breast and a scar. I can hardly stand to look at myself in the mirror, but my husband kisses my scar and my one breast and tells me that I am beautiful. How can I not desire this man when he looks at my flaws and expresses such appreciation?
My father looked at pornography and left it around our home. He told dirty jokes and had numerous affairs. I was always ashamed of my femaleness and embarrassed around him. My husband was aware of my body insecurities. For the last fifteen years, he has told me I’m beautiful —every single day. I finally believe him! This has set me free from shame.
Your wife needs to know that the bedroom is a place where you never will judge, criticize, or embarrass her. Instead, let her know your bedroom is a place where you will listen to her, gently love her, and call forth all that is within her as a woman. Caleb’s wife describes how he did this for her:
I carried baggage into our intimacy because of my wrong choices, but my husband has made me a new woman by nurturing me. I think of him as a farmer, and I am his garden. He has carefully, patiently, and gently tended this garden. By talking and listening, he’s helped me pull the weeds in my mind (wrong images) and then plant flowers (good memories) in their place. He prayerfully seeks God’s best for our marriage bed, and I’ve slowly learned under his care to follow and respond. Even when I was bald from chemotherapy, surgically scarred, and overweight, he still wanted me and gently nurtured me. Now I’m the one who not only is responding but also pursuing him. My husband’s farming skills are bringing forth much sweet fruit!
Loving acceptance creates within a wife the desire to be free:
My husband helps me overcome my inhibitions by encouraging me to be open to new ideas, but if I’m not ready, he says, “That’s okay, princess. I don’t ever want you to do anything that doesn’t feel right to you.” His acceptance of me makes me all the more willing to go for it.
Be patient as your wife grows in her sexual freedom. Let your words tenderly love her. Create an atmosphere where she feels safe and accepted, and she will be more likely to step out and try new things. If you are brave (and we are sure that you are), ask your wife:
- In the bedroom, do you feel loved, or condemned?
- In the bedroom, do you feel accepted, or judged?
- In the bedroom, do you feel praised, or ignored?
If she answers negatively to any of these questions, ask her what you can do to help her feel safe, accepted, and loved. Tell her that you want to help her grow sexually and that you know this requires creating an environment where she can be free. We encourage you to grab her hand and pray something like this:
Lord, I haven’t given my wife the love and acceptance she needs. Please show me how to do this. I want to become an encouraging lover to her. Amen.
Now that we’ve talked to you about how you can help your wife be free, we’ll discuss the importance of sexual freedom for you.
APPLYING THE SONG FOR HUSBANDS
Do men struggle with sexual inhibition? Yes, some men do, especially those who suffered from sexual abuse. But the problem is not as common for them as it is for women, nor does it manifest itself in the same way. Still, certain factors can cause a man to feel restrained or inhibited in the bedroom:
Vulnerability: Part of the “male mystique” is that men are supposed to naturally be super lovers. This is a fallacy. Men don’t know everything about pleasing their wives sexually, and sometimes their lack of knowledge causes them to feel vulnerable.
Shame of his body: Men are feeling more pressure these days, as sculpted abs are definitely in.
Guilt from his past: Men who previously treated women with a lack of respect don’t know how to move beyond it.
Pornography: Men who have struggled with pornography in the past (or present) are sometimes afraid to be too free for fear of the images that will flood their minds.
Performance: If the ads on television, in newspapers, and in magazines for Viagra, natural performance enhancers, and videos to improve your lovemaking skills are an indicator, performance anxiety is at an all-time high.
A wife’s apathy: If his wife is indifferent in the bedroom, it deflates a man’s view of himself as a lover.
Contrary to popular perception, husbands are more vulnerable than wives when it comes to sex. The movies characterize men by locker-room bravado. In reality, husbands usually are closed-mouthed about marital sex. Why? Perhaps they don’t want it known that their wives aren’t panting after their bodies; they want to be viewed as super lovers. A man’s masculinity is tied to how he feels about his ability as a lover. Don Meredith says, “Few things in life give a man more a sense of having finished a task well than having satisfied his wife sexually.”[18]
Here’s what men say when they’re being honest:
It’s about achievement, isn’t it? Don’t we all walk around afterward and arch our backs and throw out our chests like the roosters we are, our heads bobbing and our steps swaggered and jerked? The next morning, as we survey our surroundings, we think, I am man, and all that I see is good.
I hesitate to say the word conqueror, but when I look at my wife satiated with pleasure after lovemaking, I feel like running to the highest hill, planting a flag in the ground, and shouting, “Victory!”
Every husband wants to feel confident as a lover. If you don’t feel this way, what are some practical things you can do?
- If you have a wrong perspective about your role as a lover, keep reading this book. Ask God to give you His perspective. Also, consider reading Sex, Men, and God by Douglas Weiss.
- If you have problems related to sexual performance, first talk to your doctor. If he rules out medical problems, then talk with a respected and licensed sex therapist through the American Board of Christian Sex Therapists (ABCST) at www.sexualwholeness.com.
- If you have a low sex drive, consider using a performance enhancer. Some men have found ArginMax (www.arginmax.com) helpful. Check with your doctor or a licensed therapist for other recommendations and before beginning to take any supplement.
- If you struggle with guilt over your past, reread chapter 12 and schedule a talk with your pastor. Christ wants you to be free as a lover.
- If pornography is an issue, bring it out in the open by talking to a pastor or friend. Go to Focus on the Family’s websites www.pureintimacy.org and www.renewingintimacy.com for help. Read Every Man’s Battle. See “Get Rid of Porn,” pages 184–185.
We are not telling you things that you have not already heard, but the question is, Are you doing them? What can you do right now to enjoy sexual freedom in your intimacy?
Because your wife plays a role in how you feel about yourself as a lover, hand the book over to her, and we’ll give her some ways to encourage you.
Wives: Love Your Husband to Freedom
Many husbands say that you are the key to their overcoming their fears and feeling good about themselves as a lover.
Think for a moment about how God made men and women. Within the body of each female, He intricately wove ways for it to shout, “You are feminine; you are woman!” Every month, a woman is reminded. (Most feel they could do fine without this monthly reminder.) A woman carries a baby and feels her child kick, and with each thrust in her ribs, she is reassured, “You are feminine; you are mother.” A mother holds a new baby to her breast, and her body whispers, “You are woman. You are mother!” God built one thing into a man’s body that shouts, “You are masculine; you are man!”
Ladies, we’re certain you know what that “one thing” is! This is why a husband’s prowess as a lover is directly tied to his masculinity. That is why it is so important that his wife affirm his lovemaking skill. When Tirzah said to Solomon, “I am lovesick; satisfy me,” Solomon felt like a superstud. This sometimes surprises women, as the following comment indicates:
I was shocked to learn (and I’ve been married over thirty years) that a man’s ego is so tied to sex. The idea never occurred to me, and my husband would never tell me that, but he sure confirmed it when I probed him! That is truly a revelation, and it makes me sad that I was so ignorant before.
Certain things you do and say either help or hinder your husband’s sexual freedom. You can make him feel like he is Superman and Agent 007 all wrapped into one man, or you can cause him to see himself as an emasculated wimp, as these husbands testify:
What’s worse than rejection is a begrudged spreading of the legs so she can get it over with and go to sleep. How is a man supposed to feel he is pleasuring his wife after encountering an attitude like that? The most pleasure a man can get from sex is to know he is pleasing his wife.[19]
We were making love last night, and right in the middle of it, she asked me, ‘How much longer is this going to take?’
Ouch! Do you feel the pinprick of conviction?
In chapter 7, you learned that your husband’s greatest need is for respect. This is especially true in the area of sexual intimacy. One of the key ways you can show him respect is to build him up as a lover. Every husband longs to hear words of affirmation from his wife’s lips. When one wife asked her husband how she could encourage him as a lover, she said his simple answer smacked her in the face: “Be available and agreeable, and be interested.”
Consider this story from our funny friend Darla:
One evening at our marriage group we were asked to introduce our mate by telling something we appreciated about him or her. The answers were strictly mundane: “He’s a great father,” “She’s a creative cook, ” blah, blah, blah. I decided to be more vulnerable and honest, so when it was my turn to introduce Parker, I said, “I am grateful that Parker is such a wonderful lover!” Afterward, every man in the room raced over to Parker and asked, “How did you get her to say that? Tell us what you do!” Parker was very embarrassed, but I know secretly he loved feeling like the “superlover of the century.”
Darla told us that six months later, men were still going up to Parker and asking, “How did you get her to say that?”
We are not suggesting that you publicly talk about your husband’s lovemaking skills —the privacy of your bedroom is the right place for this. But the response to Darla’s statement that her husband was a wonderful lover illustrates a man’s deep need to be affirmed about his skill in this area.
Will you talk to God? You might pray something like this:
Lord, I see that I have not encouraged my husband in his role as my lover. Please show me what this looks like. I want to build him up.
Will you talk to your husband this week? Ask him, “What three things can I do to encourage you as a lover?”
Get Ready for Fun!
God desires that every husband and wife cast off sexual inhibitions and revel in sexual freedom. He wants your intimacy to become a place of fun, excitement, and deep oneness. We pray you have a high level of commitment to grow in this aspect of intimacy. How willing are you to say yes to God and no to the fears that restrain you? How willing are you to encourage and build each other up? You will ignite your intimacy when you choose to be free!
SERVANT LOVERS: Overcome inhibitions and use their bodies to delight their mate.
SELFISH LOVERS: Allow their fears and insecurities to restrain their ability to give extravagant love.
“Come, my beloved, let us go out into the country,
Let us spend the night in the villages.
Let us rise early and go to the vineyards;
Let us see whether the vine has budded
And its blossoms have opened,
And whether the pomegranates have bloomed.
There I will give you my love.
The mandrakes have given forth fragrance;
And over our doors are all choice fruits,
Both new and old,
Which I have saved up for you, my beloved.
TIRZAH:
“Oh that you were like a brother to me
Who nursed at my mother’s breasts.
If I found you outdoors, I would kiss you;
No one would despise me, either.
I would lead you and bring you
Into the house of my mother, who used to instruct me;
I would give you spiced wine to drink
from the juice of my pomegranates.
Let his left hand be under my head,
And his right hand embrace me.
I want you to swear, O daughters of Jerusalem,
Do not arouse or awaken my love
Until she pleases.”
SONG OF SOLOMON 7:11–8:4
