Chapter 18

Living With a Man Who Won’t Change

YOU HAVE DONE all you can to try to bring about change in your husband. You went through the first six steps of my Husband Transformation Strategy, but he is still the same old husband. Then you applied step seven, the Matthew 18 tough love approach. He is still the same old husband. In fact, he is a bit more difficult to live with. Were you to stand today before God, you could assure Him that you have done your absolute best to create a different husband and a different marriage.

Though your husband has chosen to remain just the way he is, you believe God wants you to stay married to him. Maybe you’re convinced it’s best for your children. You don’t want your precious children to suffer the damage of divorce. I don’t blame you.

So you’re staying with him. About now you may also be asking yourself, “How do I stay with a man like this? How do I avoid being a doormat who is chronically depressed and miserable? How can I continue to be an assertive, strong, and healthy woman?” Here is how.^*

Believe He Is Never Going to Change

Give up all hope that he is going to change. He had his chance and stubbornly refuses to budge a quarter inch. Until he draws his last breath, he is staying exactly the same husband he is right now. The brutal truth is he doesn’t love you. He has feelings for you, but he is incapable of loving you. He is incapable of loving anyone but himself. My associate, Laurel Slade, says: “You have to radically accept that you are married to a narcissist.” He is not merely selfish; he is super-selfish. World-class selfish. Everything he thinks, feels, and does focuses on one goal: to protect and please himself.

Check out this profile of a narcissist:

• He has no empathy.

• He has no capacity for compassion.

• He cannot care for anyone but himself.

• He will not meet your needs; your needs don’t even register on his radar screen.

• When he does something nice for you, it is for the purpose of getting something from you.

• It is always and forever about him. It is never about you.

• Nothing is ever his fault; it is always someone else’s fault.

• Perfect persons don’t make mistakes, and he believes he’s perfect.

• The very idea of his changing is ludicrous to him, because one doesn’t need to change when one is perfect.

• He intensely rejects any criticism, because he cannot allow his vision of personal perfection to be tarnished in the slightest way.

• However, he is very critical of you: your weight, your cooking, your housekeeping, your parenting, or your serving at church (because it detracts from serving him).

• He is always the smartest and best-looking person in the room.

• He is convinced that you should spend every waking minute being unbelievably grateful that he married you.

• He manipulates everyone to get his way.

• He makes decisions without consulting you.

• He is condescending, because he believes he is better than anyone else.

• Using sarcasm often, he thinks he is being “funny,” but his comments hurt you.

• He is a bully who intimidates others.

• He can be charming and charismatic in social environments.

• He loves money and spends it the way he wants to spend it.

• Every decision he makes is based on what will make him look good, what will make him happy, and what is best for him.

• He lies often. What’s worse, he believes his own lies.

• He lives in a universe of one: I want. I need. I desire. I, I, I, I.

• He believes all others exist to serve him and meet his needs.

Recognize your husband in this profile? I’ll bet you do. He is not evil or intentionally malicious. He is just incredibly—and permanently—focused on himself. In his world it is all about him. Unless he fully surrenders to God, it always will be. However, in the brave new world where I want you to venture, it will not be about him anymore. It is about God, you, and your children.

Of course you and your children will continue to pray for this man who is your husband and their father. But you are through hoping that he will change and trying to change him. You’re through trying to figure out why he is the way he is. That is over with now. You don’t take any of the steps in this chapter to change him. Instead, follow them to build and nourish your physical, psychological, and spiritual health, and that of your children.

Require Three Bottom-Line Behaviors

That last section is pretty depressing, isn’t it? Still, it is reality. He is a narcissist, and he is not going to change. However, if he wants to continue living with you, you must demand three “bottom-line” behaviors. These will not produce any change in him, but they will provide essential protection and security for you and your children. Living with a narcissist is one thing; living with an out-of-control, abusive narcissist is quite another. While you can do the first (that is, live with him), you must not allow the second.

Be crystal clear that as long as he continues the behaviors I am going to outline shortly, you will live with him. (At least, you will unless God directs you to separate from him.) If he chooses to not do all of these behaviors, you will work with an attorney about separation arrangements. When you give him this ultimatum, you can’t be bluffing. He will know you don’t mean it. You must be serious and willing to bring down the hammer. If you cannot afford to physically separate, create a separate home: separate bedrooms and the shunning I described in chapter 17. Except this time the shunning continues indefinitely. You will communicate with him only when necessary.

If you physically separate, or separate at home, tell your children the truth: “I am setting strict boundaries with your father. These boundaries include separation, just as God separated from the Israelites when their hearts were hard.” This reinforces that God’s direction is being followed. Explain each behavior to them and tell them the truth—that if you separate physically, “Failing to do this will severely damage all of us—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.”

If he decides to follow the behaviors, require that he do them, initially, for one month. If he complies with a decent attitude, then you may end the separation.

The first behavior is complete openness and honesty. This means he must provide you with access to his cell phone and all computer accounts, including passwords. He cannot object to you reviewing his text messages, e-mails, or Facebook posts. Realistically you can’t trust him, so you need to know if he is engaging in any kind of behavior that will harm you or the kids. Most narcissists will whine, “OK, I want access to your stuff too!” Your response: “Fine. I don’t have anything to hide.”

Second: require a daily devotional and prayer time together, twenty to thirty minutes in length. This gives you a spiritual connection and a daily opportunity for God to work on him.

The third behavior is regular attendance at a couples small group. This will be with couples from your church or a similar group. It will provide good teaching on marriage and relationships and friendships with other couples, while exerting social pressure on your husband to be a decent husband.

Again these bottom-line behaviors will not change your husband. However, they will restrain him from damaging or destructive actions that may jeopardize the safety and security and well-being of you and your children. The next four steps in my Living With a Man Who Won’t Change Game Plan come from previous chapters. I will briefly summarize these steps and identify the chapters where they are located. You may want to reread them as a refresher course on these self-care areas.

1. Team up (chapter 3).

To live successfully with a narcissist, you need a close and growing relationship with Jesus Christ. A thirty- to forty-five minute quiet time with Jesus every day is vital. You need God’s power and protection, because your husband may likely do things that hurt you every day. Also, rounding out your team should be a best friend of the same sex, a small group of diehard supporters, and a caring church.

2. Forgive him, and keep on forgiving him (chapters 8–10).

To get rid of bitterness and resentment, you must forgive him for all he has done in the past to hurt you. Use the one-way communication technique to keep your system clean of resentments. With your narcissist, don’t use one-way communication to try to change his mind, but to maintain your assertiveness, strength, and health.

3. Take care of yourself, because no one else will (chapter 12).

If you plan to not just survive but live a quality life, you must get regular mental health breaks from your husband and children. If your selfish husband refuses to watch the kids for these personal getaways, ask a family member, friend, or babysitter. Assume he is irresponsible and turn to him last (not first) to take care of the kids. Develop an interesting, need-meeting life by building friendships, serving in your church, enjoying a hobby, and doing volunteer work. You might continue your education or find a rewarding job outside the home.

4. Offer conditional submission (chapter 13).

Do not submit in any way to an abusive husband. If he is abusing you, physically or emotionally, take aggressive action—and take it quickly. Tell your support team the truth, and follow the tough love steps from Matthew 18:15–17.

Since he is an active and ongoing, serious sinner, do not submit to him in the fullest sense of that biblical term. If his decisions are reasonable and in accord with the Bible, support him. But if his decisions prove selfish and anti-biblical, do not support him. He will be furious, but that’s just too bad. Ultimately you submit to God and His principles.

Because it is highly likely that Mr. Narcissist won’t act as the spiritual leader of your family, you will have to assume those duties. You will lead family devotions at least once a week and each week make sure the kids get to church, Sunday school classes, and weekly age-appropriate youth group activities.

Praise the Positives

Even with a narcissist a behavior rewarded is a behavior repeated. While your praise won’t change who he is, it can motivate him to do good things. He will tend to continue behaviors for which he gets praised. Such praise will make him feel good about himself— his number-one priority in life.

Be Honest With the Kids

When your husband mistreats you in front of the children, immediately and assertively correct him—in front of them. This firm response will maintain their respect for you and decrease this disrespectful behavior. Later in private explain to each child how Dad’s behavior was wrong and hurtful. Be careful not to degrade him or speak in a deliberately unkind manner; just tell the truth. Also, teach each child the proper and biblical way to treat a person. Again and again your message to your children will be: Dad is wrong, the Bible is right.

If he mistreats the kids in your presence, quickly step in to protect them. This will limit the damage and show them that “you have their back” when Dad is mean. Later in private explain how Dad was wrong and the Bible is right. Always encourage your children to talk with you about their father and express openly the way they feel about his hurtful, selfish behavior.

Let them know this is about them, not about changing their dad. It is a good idea to take them to a Christian counselor to learn coping skills and how to guard their hearts (Prov. 4:23). As they get older, they will develop a better understanding of his narcissism. Despite recognizing he is a narcissist, they can still love him while learning to become others-centered followers of Jesus Christ.

Be Careful With Other Men

Because your narcissistic husband won’t meet your needs, you are incredibly vulnerable to other men. You can easily find yourself drawn to another man who gives you attention and appears to be so different from your husband in so many important ways. Guard against this by maintaining firm boundaries with both single and married men. Do not have private, personal talks with any man other than your husband. Build deep relationships with women, and get your needs met from the healthy sources I described in chapter 13. Get an accountability partner, and have her watch your relationships with men very closely.

Be Joan of Arc not Joan of Codependency

You can live with a narcissist and still be a healthy woman with a good life. You can live with a narcissist and raise healthy, successful, Christ-following children. To do it, you must be tough, honest, and assertive. If you give in to weakness and stuff your feelings while passively allowing him to mistreat you, then you and your kids will suffer serious damage. I am not exaggerating. I have seen far too many wives and children harmed in terrible, long-lasting ways by narcissistic men. Don’t go down that road. If you need help to follow my strategy, see a Christian therapist.

With God’s help and hard work, you really can be Joan of Arc (with the exception of the whole burned-at-the-stake thing). You can be courageous. You and your kids can live God’s adventure for your lives. So as God told Joshua:

Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.

—JOSHUA 1:9

* Many of the strategies in this chapter were contributed by my therapy associate, Laurel A. Slade, MS.