BRAZIL
For over half a century, the Brazilians have been the acknowledged masters of world football. A nation of street urchins kicking bundles of old rags around dusty back alleys will stand little chance against hyperinflation or political corruption, but they will certainly have an advantage on the football field.
The few Brazilians who can afford match tickets bring to the terraces a carnival atmosphere that is second to none. It is now an official FIFA regulation that any commentary on a Brazil match must include the phrase ‘samba-like’ in relation to the skillful movement of one of their players.
The Brazilian side that won the 1970 World Cup and contained such greats as Pelé, Jairzinho, Rivelino and Gerson is reckoned by many to be the greatest team ever to step onto a football pitch. In the 1990s the torch of Brazilian genius passed to Ronaldo, notable as the only centre forward ever to sound as though he should be an entertainer on the Northern working men’s club circuit.
The ultimate compliment to this nation’s footballing prowess is the chant heard regularly on English terraces when a team is playing well. It is sung to the tune of ‘Blue Moon’: ‘Brazil, it’s just like watching Brazil, it’s just like…’ Chelsea fans, on the other hand, in the distant days when their team was inept would chant: ‘The Bill, it’s just like watching The Bill, it’s just like…’
FRANCE
For many years France had a self-defeating attitude to football and the temperamental nature of their star players often jeopardised the national team’s chances of success. Eric Cantona, for instance, hailed as a god in his club football for Manchester United, fell out with the French manager, thereby depriving the team of a crucial player. And David Ginola, who made a mistake in a qualifying game that prevented France from reaching the 1994 World Cup Finals, was publicly rebuked for it by the then national manager Gérard Houllier. With typical French restraint, Houllier called the error a ‘crime’ (or perhaps he was referring to Ginola’s latest advert for shampoo/aftershave/underwear). All was bitterness and underachievement, which for English fans was a beautiful and satisfying spectacle.
But then, in the late 1990s, France inexplicably shrugged off their internecine squabbling and started to win tournaments. Enormously talented players like Zinedine Zidane, Marcel Desailly and Emmanuel Petit melded into a formidable side that won the 1998 World Cup (most annoyingly held in France, thereby allowing them to stage an even bigger party) and the 2000 European Championship. The success of French football is a profoundly disturbing phenomenon with which England fans have still not come to terms.
GERMANY
For many years the German football team dominated Europe in a way that their military leaders never quite got the hang of. World Cup winners in 1954, 1974 and 1990 and European champions in 1972, 1980 and 1996, their style of football was, unsurprisingly, a very efficient one. Especially infuriating was the fact that somewhere along the line their victories usually involved beating England in a penalty shoot-out. But when players of the mental robustness of Michael Ballack and Lothar Matthäus step forward to take a penalty, not even the most deluded England optimists imagine for a moment that there’s any chance of them missing.
Despite this, the English fans continue to taunt their Teutonic rivals with the time-honoured chant (to the tune of ‘Camptown Races’), ‘Two World Wars and one World Cup, doo-dah, doo-dah...’ The only reason that the Germans don’t chant back is that ‘Three World Cups, three European Championships and a vastly superior economic infrastructure established after our nation’s humiliating defeat in 1945’ hasn’t got much of a ring to it.
ITALY
The second-most successful team in World Cup history, Italy’s tally of four titles (1934, 1938, 1982, 2006) puts them only one behind Brazil. Anyone who doubts that Italy is a nation of opera lovers should watch one of its footballers appealing for a penalty. The passion and torment etched agonisingly into his face, his arms gesticulating madly as he beseeches the referee in vain, the unbearable sense of injustice that sends him crashing to the ground, a broken and defeated man – an Italian centre forward can inject a simple handball decision with the sort of drama normally only seen on the stage of La Scala. While all this melodrama is going on up front, the defenders, historically led by the likes of Paolo Maldini and Fabio Cannavaro, are busy building an impregnable wall capable of comfortably repelling Attila the Hun and his invading hordes.
Anyone who doubts that Italy is a nation of opera lovers should watch one of its footballers appealing for a penalty.
ARGENTINA
Argentina rivals Germany and Scotland as England’s most bitter rival in international football. Much of this ill-feeling dates from Maradona’s ‘hand of God’ incident in the 1986 World Cup (see ‘Great Players’), but the enmity was there even before this. In the first round knock-out stage of the 1966 World Cup, England manager Alf Ramsey was reported to have described Argentina’s players as ‘animals’ for being somewhat over-competitive, and refused to allow England players to swap shirts with their opponents at the end of the match. This didn’t go down well in Argentina. Then, in 1982, the two countries went to war over the Falkland Islands, making things very difficult for the two Argentinian players then at Tottenham Hotspur, Ricky Villa (see ‘Silverware’) and Ossie Ardiles. So fierce was the feeling that Ardiles preferred to spend six months on loan to French club Paris Saint-Germain.
You can point out that Argentinian footballers are never too far from controversy. In 2006 Leandro Cufré became the only player ever sent off after the final whistle of a World Cup game, when Argentina and Germany had a mass fight following their quarter-final. What made Cufré’s achievement even more incredible is that he was a substitute, and hadn’t even taken part in the game. Yes, you can be sent off without having come on first. This is one of the illogicalities that makes football the sport that it is.
THE NETHERLANDS
Always a strong side, the Dutch have over the years given us such exquisitely gifted players as Johan Cruyff, Marco van Basten, Ruud Gullit and Dennis Bergkamp. But for English fans, the most significant Dutch player ever was Ronald Koeman. In a qualifying match for the 1994 World Cup, he scored against England when he shouldn’t even have been on the pitch (the referee having failed to send him off for an earlier foul on David Platt). As a result, England did not make it to the Finals. As a consequence of that, Graham Taylor was forced to resign as national manager. It is a service for which Koeman has the eternal gratitude of English fans.
SPAIN
Rather like France, Spain were for many years perennial underachievers. All that changed, however, when they won the 2008 and 2012 European Championships (‘Euros’), slotting the 2010 World Cup in between them to make a very tasty sandwich of victories. (Indeed it was the first time any team had ever completed such a hat-trick.) Spain’s domestic sides have always been among the very best in Europe, and it has come as no surprise that the national team is now recognised as one of the best of all time. Furious at their ability to win the 2012 Euros without the use of a recognised centre forward (although they brought on the hapless Fernando Torres every now and then), critics in the English tabloid press derided their reliance on ‘passing too much’, otherwise known as ‘keeping the ball’. This is something akin to cheating in English eyes, and there is little appreciation of the likes of Xavi, Iniesta and Silva dancing around their opponents and scoring whenever they feel like it.
USA
‘Football’ is one of those words that Americans just do not understand (like ‘pavement’, ‘nappy’ ‘fanny’ and ‘irony’). To them, football is a game in which men weighing 18 stone put on protective clothing weighing 19 stone and throw a rugby-shaped ball around a field with more lines on it than an Ordnance Survey map.
What we call football is known in the USA as ‘soccer’. The game should never be referred to as such. Anyone using this unacceptable term will instantly be suspected of demonstrating the same naivety about the game that Americans do.
Popularity of ‘soccer’ in the States has been led by the success of the country’s women’s team, who won the 1999 World Cup by beating China in the final (Americans always like beating another superpower). But the USA’s lack of a feel for the game was perhaps best displayed by the 1970s coach of the New York Cosmos, who had signed the German Franz Beckenbauer, famously the most gifted defender of his era. ‘Tell the Kraut to get his ass up front,’ he said. ‘We don’t pay a million for a guy to hang around in defence.’ Successful US players tend to be independent mavericks who find their way to England’s Premier League and kick some serious butt. Recent examples include Tottenham Hotspur’s shaven-headed midfield dynamo Clint Dempsey. But shaven-headed Yanks also make remarkably good goalkeepers, including Brad Friedel (also Spurs), Tim Howard (Everton) and Marcus Hahnemann (formerly of Reading).
REPUBLIC OF IRELAND
Desperate for international success, the country has relaxed its qualification criteria to the point that you can now play for Ireland as long as at least one of your grandparents once drank a pint of Guinness. One of their greatest-ever players was Roy Keane, who spent most of his time berating his fellow Irishmen, especially if they had been born in England. But score serious bluffing points for mentioning that Johnny Giles consistently tops all-time great Irish player rankings. Legendary Manchester United manager Sir Matt Busby described his decision to let Giles leave United to join Leeds in 1963 as his ‘greatest ever mistake in football’. Giles went on to personify the concept of ‘player-manager’ at West Bromwich Albion in 1975, and filled it full of Irish players. Unsurprisingly, it became known as West Bromwich Éirann.
SCOTLAND
For many years, the story of the Scottish Premier League was the same every season. There were 10 teams: Glasgow Rangers, Glasgow Celtic and the eight other clubs who those two played to decide which of them would win the title that year. Then, in 2012, the financial madness that has gripped Scottish (and indeed English) football in recent years came knocking on the door. When Rangers opened that door they found Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs demanding £9 million in unpaid tax. Behind the HMRC stood several midfields’ worth of other creditors, and behind them stood the Premier League saying, ‘Righto, you know the rules about clubs’ financial health.’ Those rules meant, in a deep-fried nutshell, that Rangers were chucked out of the league and demoted to the Third Division. The same logic – i.e., a complete lack of it – applies in Scotland as in England, meaning that the Third Division is in fact the fourth division. There are falls from grace, and then there are plummets into a chasm of gracelessness so deep that the footballing world shakes on its axis.
In terms of international football, Scotland fulfils a key role. They consistently do even worse than England in World Cups, which ensures that the English fans have got at least something to laugh about.
ENGLAND
NB: this entry is far longer than that of other more successful nations for one very simple reason: the English invented football. As a cogent argument, this holds less water than George Best took with his Scotch, but no matter; pig-headed, self-deluding self-importance is a vital component of the English footballing mentality, and as a skilled bluffer you should be aware of that.
There are many great moments in the history of the England football team. Unfortunately from an English point of view, they all occurred on 30 July 1966.
The basic story of England’s triumph in the World Cup Final at Wembley is simple. With minutes left to go, they lead 2-1. But tragedy strikes when Wolfgang Weber equalises for the West Germans. England fans are as ‘sick as parrots’ (see ‘Glossary’). In the first period of extra time, Geoff Hurst strikes a shot that rebounds off the underside of the crossbar, hits the ground and bounces back out of the goal. The Russian linesman Tofiq Bakhramov controversially decides that the ball crossed the line, and England therefore take the lead (not the first time that England and Russia have combined to defeat the Germans). In the dying seconds of the game, Hurst scores another goal, becoming the only player ever to score a hat-trick in a World Cup Final. ‘Some people are on the pitch, they think it’s all over. It is now,’ was Kenneth Wolstenholme’s famous commentary.
So well worn is this story that in order to gain any respect from fellow fans, you need to be armed with a couple of little-known facts about the match:
England have never again reached the final of a major competition. But there have been some near misses and you should always have several up your sleeve. For instance:
1970, Mexico, World Cup quarter-final v West Germany
Having led 2-0, England somehow manage to lose the match 3-2. Many blame the last-minute replacement goalkeeper Peter Bonetti. His usual nickname was ‘The Cat’, on account of his incredible agility. That day he gets called one or two other names. Also, substitute centre forward Jeff Astle misses an absolute sitter from about 18 inches. Shortly afterwards he takes up a new career as a window cleaner.
1990, Italy, World Cup semi-final v West Germany
The score at the end of extra time is 1-1. The match goes to a penalty shoot-out. Stuart Pearce having missed, Chris Waddle must score to keep England in the tournament. His shot seriously endangers the man sitting in row P, seat 184.
Over the following years, Phil Collins earns substantial royalties from his song ‘I Missed Again’ being played over the footage of Pearce and Waddle’s penalties.
1996, Wembley, European Championship semi-final v Germany
Again the match goes to penalties. Both sides score all of their first five penalties. Gareth Southgate steps up to take England’s sixth.
Phil Collins orders a new car.
1998, France, World Cup v Argentina
Despite David Beckham’s sending off, England’s 10 men manage to take the match to a penalty shoot-out. Paul Ince misses. David Batty must score to prevent England going out of the tournament.
Phil Collins goes to live in Switzerland.
In recent tournaments England have developed a not-very-enviable reputation for losing in the last eight, exiting at that stage in the 2002 and 2006 World Cups, as well as the 2004 and 2012 European Championships. Not so much a case of no quarter given as no quarter-final won. Many fans have come to expect nothing more of England. The disillusionment is all the greater because high-profile foreign managers (Sven-Göran Eriksson, Fabio Capello) secured enormous salaries on the promise of delivering success, then delivered just more failure. The middle bit of Eriksson’s name, incidentally, is pronounced ‘urine’. Appropriate, as this is what a lot of people thought he was taking.