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Address the Real
F-Word (Fear)
Each of us must confront our own fears, must come face to face with them. How we handle our fears will determine where we go with the rest of our lives.
—judy blume, tiger eyes
When people ask me, as they often do, if I had to choose one thing that contributes to illness the most, I immediately tell them about the real F-word: Fear. Fear is not bad nor evil, but we have come to use it in all the wrong ways. There is nothing in our experience that is more constantly present and destructive than fear—an energy that is in direct opposition to wellness. Almost every single challenge can be traced back to the fear of ending up unsafe in this world (physically or emotionally).
In this chapter, you’ll learn exactly what fear is, what causes it, and how it shows up in our lives. Then I’ll share the two parts to addressing fear completely:
• Clearing unprocessed experiences and beliefs that cause fear. For each example of how fear might be showing up in your life, I’ll offer ideas on what to clear related to it.
• Using techniques to reprogram the fear response in your body. Toward the end of the chapter, you will learn several wonderful tools to do that.
What Fear Is
I believe that fear is a major common denominator, at some level, of every illness. Fear is perhaps the most practiced energy in our lives, from the time we are children and our well-meaning parents remind us to be careful, tell us not to talk to strangers, and convince us that Santa won’t come if we’re bad kids. Sometimes we even inherit fear from our parents. We live in a world of “fear feeders”—the media, well-meaning loved ones, people we look up to like doctors and advocates, and the list goes on and on. In every space of our lives, we are bombarded with the message that we need to fear.
The interesting thing is that the more fear energy you release, the more clearly you will see it governing those around you. Becoming less fearful may even trigger fear in others because it is so contradictory to what we’ve practiced our whole lives. In fact, we often make decisions from a place of fear. If you take a minute to think of all your actions and decisions that are fear-based, it probably won’t take long to see how much of your life is being driven by fear. This includes taking a job because we’re scared we won’t get something better, listening to a doctor only because we’re afraid not to, not speaking our truth because we’re afraid of losing a loved one, and more. Fear can show up in its most aggressive form linked to matters of survival: relationships, money, and health.
In many cases, except in actual dangerous situations, fear is just energy with no merit. It is an indicator system that often malfunctions. Fear, in its most stripped-down form, is a response in the body that comes from feeling deeply unsafe in the world. This response is connected to the fight, flight, or freeze pattern, governed by the triple warmer meridian (aka your inner “papa bear”). We first learned about this earlier, in Chapter Two.
What Causes Fear
No matter how fear manifests in your life, there are usually two reasons it’s hanging around.
First, your body holds some type of reason that the fear response is justified. This means that there is “evidence” in the form of harmful beliefs and unprocessed experiences.
Second, fear is an energy pattern. It has likely been replaying in your system for quite some time. So the fear response itself can be on auto-pilot. Knowing what causes it will help us to slowly clear this pattern. When you continue to clear unprocessed experiences and harmful beliefs causing fear, you are doing a big part of this work. You are clearing the root, or “evidence,” of the fear. But you also need techniques to actually change the energetic pattern, too.
As the fear pattern plays out, you will learn to do very specific things to retrain or redirect it. You will need to work as a friend in partnership with that triple warmer meridian to do this, being patient and gentle.
We have to find a way to move through fear if we want enriched lives. It is something that is absolutely essential to clear in order to put our bodies into a state of ease.
Common Ways That Fear Shows Up
You may be sitting there thinking, “I’m not a scared person.” But fear is much bigger than simply being afraid. By spelling out specific ways that fear can show up in your life, I hope you will come to see just how important it is to work lovingly on this.
Just follow me. Let’s peek inside that brain of yours and see if it lights up with any of these common fears. Then we’ll go to work on releasing them.
Fear of Being Who You Really Are
We’ve already talked a lot about this one, but I feel it’s important to reiterate it here. I believe that our deepest fears as humans are the fears around being who we really are. And those are closely connected to the core fear that we started this discussion with: the fear of ending up unsafe in this world (physically or emotionally). The fear of being who we really are all boils down to these questions: If I am who I really am, will I be unsafe? If I am who I really am, will I be unloved?
During many of the exercises and practices in this book, whether through clearing unprocessed experiences, harmful beliefs, or other energies, you’ve simultaneously cleared energy around fear as well. Just stay aware of when triggers, roots, and energies connected to it pop up, and hold a strong intention that it’s time now to move forward without it.
Fear of Not Being in Control of Life
During my first weeks in India, as I learned more about myself, I became painfully aware of my fear of trusting in the flow of life. This country that so beautifully enveloped me in love and offered the opportunity for a renewed life also pushed me to the limits of my sanity.
The water temperature for showers was lukewarm at best. The streets were like tornadoes of dust swirling up into dense crowds of people who were sticking together from thick heat and humidity. There were dogs barking all night and horns honking around the clock without a second’s reprieve. The cultural and language barriers led to a feeling of isolation that I’d never known before. I had a rat living in my hospital room with me. And most of the time I felt like I was slowly dying and there was no way to tell if the treatment was killing me or curing me.
I entered this country that runs on chaos and uncertainty ready to control and manipulate my life as I had always done, and it spit me out onto the broken pavement like a rejected piece of gum. India, as I eventually accepted, was not the place to try to be in charge. I tried, though.
The fear of not being in control of life comes from a worry that things will not be okay unless they happen exactly as we want or need, and/or an energy of lack—feeling there’s not enough money, support, love, safety, or whatever, so we must take everything into our own hands in order to be okay. But what if we put our beautiful human egos aside for just a minute and considered it could all turn out okay? That the universe, God, or whatever higher source we resonate with, might have a plan to help us, if we allow it? I saw a massive shift in my being when I finally stopped fearing life. I learned to trust that if I was aligned with something and it was meant to be, it would find me in a hundred different ways.
Living with the fear of not being in control is like trying to paddle a canoe upstream instead of letting the current help you flow effortlessly downstream. The river is going where it’s going and it’s giving you a free ride, but you want to do it your way, right? You want to control every single stroke. You can find a million things to feel unsafe about. How long can you keep it up? Also, what if that elusive pot of gold you’re paddling toward is actually in the other direction? You just have to let … go … of … the … freakin’ … oars. Your body will thank you for it.
Learn and embrace, in the deepest core of your being, that you can handle anything that comes your way. You can survive. You can survive. You can survive. You can let go of the oars and be okay. Trying to control and manipulate your life’s circumstances to force a feeling of safety will work only temporarily. Learning that you can be okay no matter what will create a true, lasting sense of security.
When you’re feeling stuck about something, ask yourself, “Is this because I’m attached to making it how I think it should be instead of flowing along with how it actually is?”
I always say, When you flow, you know. In other words, if things are feeling too hard, you are probably pushing against life’s current, and the fear of not being in control is likely hijacking your oars. It’s always your call: Are you going to fight or flow?
Energies to Consider Clearing
The following are examples of energies (which we’ve already learned about) that might be tied to the fear of not being in control.
Unprocessed Experiences:
• Times when you relaxed and something bad happened
• Times when someone blamed you for something getting messed up
• Times when you let someone down and they made you pay for it
• Times where you didn’t have enough food, money, love, or security (controlling everything may seem like a good way to prevent those times from happening again)
Harmful Beliefs:
• I’m only safe when I’m in control.
• Having money is the only way to feel safe.
• There’s not enough to go around.
• I need to understand things to be okay with how they are.
• I can keep bad things from happening.
• I am unable to handle bad things.
Fear of Letting Others Be Who or How They Are
Trying to control other people’s lives is sure to bring equal, or even greater, misery than trying to control your own. You can slice and dice and justify this one anyway you want, but it never, ever turns out well. It is simply not your responsibility or prerogative to change others.
Here are some examples of how we try to change others:
• Helping others when they don’t want help
• Needing to help others to feel good about yourself
• Helping others even at the expense of your own well-being (having “obsessive-helperitis”)
• Needing something from others (forgiveness, acknowledgment, or validation) for your own inner peace
• Needing others to behave in a certain way so you can relax or be happy
If any of these are familiar to you, you are draining your own energy. You are not allowed to stomp on anyone else’s path for any reason. If we get brutally honest with ourselves, we often find that fears drive our need to control others. And these fears keep us from moving forward. We may have a fear that they will mess up and we’ll have to pick up the pieces. We may fear if someone doesn’t validate or take responsibility for how they’ve hurt us, it means we are to blame. We might fear that we won’t get what we need from another person and end up hurt. We might be afraid that others will end up hurting themselves in some needless way. All of these things are understandable but not healthy.
When people love you, it will be in the way they know how. You can always focus on what they’re not doing or how they’re not being that makes your life uncomfortable. Maybe you feel they’re not supportive enough or compassionate enough or are always saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. But the fact is, you don’t get to make that call. We all have the ability to love, but our capacity and willingness to do so is unique. To truly free yourself, you need to stop demanding that people behave in the ways you think they could or should. You can and certainly should remove yourself from any relationships that are unhealthy for you, but trying to change another person is a losing approach.
When I was growing up, there was a rickety, doll-size antique red chair in my parents’ house. The paint was chipped off, and the old, worn wood peeked through. My mom always loved anything that looked like it should have been retired years earlier, and despite how much we teased her about the chair, it traveled with us with each move, even after we all grew up and left home.
One day, while I was struggling not only with the decline of my health but also with a difficult personal relationship, my dad brought that rickety chair over to where I was sitting. By this time, I was all grown up. He put it in front of me and asked, “What is this?”
“A stupid red chair,” I said.
He nodded in approval. “Now try to make it a big blue chair.”
“Daaaaad,” I begged. “I can’t.”
“Try harder. Make it blue.”
“Dad, please …”
He egged me on. “Care more. Do more. Figure it out.”
“I can’t, I can’t!” I finally screamed.
He sat down next to the chair. “Exactly, baby. You can’t. This is a little red chair. It doesn’t matter how much you want it to be blue or big and strong. It only has the capacity to be a little red chair, and nothing you can do will change that.”
People are just like that chair, too. Since the red chair lesson, each time I come up against a situation in my life that frustrates me or makes me lose my sense of balance, I gently check in with myself to see whether I am trying to make a red chair blue. And guess what? I always am.
You must let people be who they are, not only for themselves but also for the sake of your little soul who just cannot be burdened with controlling another being. They may not be who you’d like them to be and they may even be jerks. But people can be jerks and you can be okay anyway.
Communicate with Others’ Higher Selves
When I find myself frustrated by my need to turn a red chair blue, I simply use something that my friend Scott taught me. I sit quietly and “send” my message to that person’s higher self, which might be more willing to receive it. Can you think of someone who just won’t listen to you or someone with whom it’s impossible to communicate? Sit quietly with your eyes closed, imaging that person and setting the intention that the person’s higher self or inner being will receive your message. Then simply say out loud what you need to say.
With this practice, I often feel instant relief. You may sense, like I do, that the energy is released from you and that you can now move forward, detached from “needing” to reach that person. People can and will change, indeed. But the danger comes when we need them or expect them to be someone else, simply for our own inner peace. Louise Hay has an affirmation that really drives this home: I let go of all expectations. People, places, and things are free to be themselves, and I am free to be me.
Energies to Consider Clearing
For the fear of letting others be who and how they are, it’s important to look at experiences and beliefs where you struggled because of somebody else. Here are some examples.
Unprocessed Experiences:
• Times when someone else’s behavior made you unsafe
• Times when someone else, because of who they are, hurt you (inadvertently)
• Times when someone refused to hear your side of things and you felt rejected
Hamful Beliefs:
• I’m only safe when I control others.
• It’s my job to make others feel needed.
• I have to change others to feel safe.
Fear of Pain and Suffering
No one likes to experience pain and suffering. In fact, we spend much of our lives trying to avoid this. But believing that suffering is bad will cause more havoc in your life than actually experiencing it would. Suffering just feels bad while it’s happening, and because of that, we fight it like the plague. But suffering also has a silver lining that never gets the credit it deserves. Suffering helps us grow and get to the next place in life. Let’s face it: if not for suffering, we’d never stop in our busy lives to expand in ways that make us better.
Suffering can be a phenomenal steppingstone to somewhere better, physically, emotionally, or spiritually. Failed relationships get us to successful ones; illness helps us examine who we really are and what matters, when we might not otherwise; grief reminds us we are human and we can survive after inevitable loss; and the list goes on and on. Avoiding suffering does nothing but prolong the suffering.
Much unnecessary struggle in our lives comes not just from avoiding our own pain but from trying to avoid it or intercept it for others, too. Pain is a part of life, and it’s an okay part. Avoiding or trying to fix another person’s suffering instead of simply being present for it is a damaging emotional pattern.
Some examples of how the fear of suffering can manifest include feeling responsible for other people’s feelings, feeling like you have the responsibility to make sure other’s lives are going right, avoiding difficult emotions, allowing yourself to be distracted from self-care, thinking you know better for others than they do, and feeling like you have to save people from their own pain and mistakes.
It is important to remember that others are capable of working through their own suffering, just like you are. This is a necessary and beneficial part of life. When we overprotect another, we drain our own energy and rob that person of all the good that can come from fully allowing them their own experience.
We have an obligation in life not only to call ourselves to our own greatness, but to call others to theirs as well. And sometimes that happens through outright painful experiences that are a normal part of life. Holding back our true selves is the single biggest act of betrayal we can perform. It puts a serious stress on our physical bodies, and we aren’t doing a service to those we are trying to save, either.
This concept became clear to me when I was living in Delhi. When I was too sick to go outside of the hospital, I’d sit in front of a floor-to-ceiling sliding glass door at the front of the building. For weeks, I watched a man with no use of his legs pass the hospital. He used his arms to travel by scooting on his bottom, his fists powering movement along the pavement and dirt. His pants were torn to shreds and his hands were swollen with cuts.
I sunk into my chair wondering how he’d ended up like this and where he was going. Finally, I asked one of the doctors in the lobby why the man didn’t have a wheelchair. “Oh, ma’am, it’s too costly. It’s approximately seventy-five dollars.”
Oh my goodness, this man is suffering for what seventy-five dollars could fix, I thought. I decided I would buy this man a wheelchair. I asked the doctor to go outside and tell him about Operation Wheelchair, as I was sure he wouldn’t speak English and my Hindi knowledge was poor at best. The doctor hurriedly made his way down the stairs and crouched before the man as I watched in anticipation.
After a quick conversation, the doctor returned to the building and said, “He kindly declines your wheelchair offer.” I was stunned. He explained that the man had asked what was wrong with the way he was. “He is fine this way, ma’am. This is his life and he is happy.”
My stomach sunk and it felt like my Western ego had fallen out of my body and splattered on the floor. There was nothing wrong with this man in his eyes, just in mine.
While charity is obviously a very positive thing, this entire situation came from my own need to feel better about this man’s life—which wasn’t bothering him at all, from what I learned! From that day on, I redirected my focus from trying to save others and myself from suffering to becoming comfortable with suffering as a part of life. This helped me so much, and I bet this story could help you, too.
Energies to Consider Clearing
Our beliefs about pain and suffering often come straight from how our parents feel about it. We also tend to learn about suffering from our religious upbringing. Here are some ideas on what to clear in relationship to fears around suffering.
Unprocessed Experiences:
• Times when you felt helpless while someone you loved suffered
• Times when you suffered and felt trapped in the suffering
• Times when someone around you made you feel like you deserved to suffer
• Times when you believe that suffering was punishment for something you did wrong
• Times when someone you loved (maybe a parent) avoided their own difficult feelings or distracted you from yours
Harmful Beliefs:
• It’s my job to spare others.
• Others can’t handle pain like I can.
• No one should have to suffer.
• Someone has to suffer, so maybe it should be me.
• Suffering is bad.
• I will die if I suffer.
Fear of Not Being Perfect or Good Enough
My clients who experience the most intense emotional and physical symptoms are by far the ones who beat themselves up the most—usually about not being “perfect” or good enough (which means they have set a level of perfection they have to meet in order to be good enough). It’s one and the same thing. Often the idea of being perfect (good enough) equates to being loved. We perceive that we need to be perfect to be loved. Imagine the fear of not being perfect as a mama duck: the leader. The additional fears of being judged and being rejected are just like little ducklings trailing behind. They are all stuck to each other like glue!
The fear of not being perfect may arise from your own expectations or because you internalize the expectations of others. It doesn’t matter where the pattern originated, but it does matter that we spend as much time and energy as it takes to change it. We cannot be ourselves, embrace ourselves, and love ourselves when we are dominated by this fear. The two simply cannot coexist. We must learn to be easier on ourselves to be happy and healthy. And this is a big part of that.
What happens if we fear our imperfections so deeply that we continuously beat ourselves up for them? The research of Dr. Masaru Emoto demonstrates what happens to water molecules (just like those that make up a large percentage of your body) when they are exposed to negativity for a period of time. Even the simple exercise of writing negative words on paper and attaching them to the water bottles had a significant negative impact on the structure of the molecules. What if that energy of self-criticism is present inside of you constantly? If our minds are our leaders, how do we expect anything good to come from a leader who constantly judges him- or herself for not being perfect? Or a leader who accepts the criticism of others as truth? Exactly. We can’t. We must love ourselves and ensure our bodies feel loved, despite all our messy imperfections, in order to invoke positive change. We don’t have to be perfect at that either, but we do have to be the best we can possibly be.
The energetic frequency of love is believed to be the highest frequency that exists. The practice of loving ourselves despite our “imperfections” makes good sense for our overall well-being. And, as far as I know, love is impossible to get too much of, so it’s a very safe approach.
Loving yourself is simply the act of treating yourself like a human being: being able to laugh at yourself, shrug your shoulders when you mess up, give yourself a break, and realize that you’re perfectly fine just as you are. But in order to do that, you have to give up the gigantic assumption that you should, or even could, be perfect. And you must give up the need for others to see you as perfect, too.
Loving ourselves wells up from inside of us naturally, albeit sometimes slowly, like a pot that it seems will never boil. One minute there is nothing, and then the first bubble appears. But the first bubble is all it takes. And as we feel better in that space, we become less fearful of not meeting the perfectionist ideals that we placed such high value on before. We strive only to be ourselves, even if we are afraid that others won’t like it.
We must allow ourselves to be human, full of imperfections, and embrace ourselves that way. Clearing unprocessed experiences and beliefs will help us do that more easily.
Energies to Consider Clearing
Exploring and clearing “evidence” that fuels this fear of not being perfect is a great way to start. Here are a few ideas to get you thinking.
Unprocessed Experiences:
• Times when someone got mad at you for making a mistake
• Times when you perceived that your value was tied to being a “good girl” or “good boy”
• Times when someone punished you for not doing something their way
• Times where you feel you were judged or rejected for expressing yourself
Harmful Beliefs:
• Bad things will happen if I’m imperfect.
• No one will like the real me.
• I have nothing to offer if I’m imperfect.
• I need to be perfect or I’ll be rejected.
• I need to be a perfect _______ (mother, wife, employee, etc.) to be loved/lovable.
• I will lose my identity if I’m not the “perfect” person people think I am.
Fear-Based Environmental Reactions
Just as you can be reactive to food and other substances (allergies are a good example), your body can have a fear-based reaction to pretty much anything in your environment. This includes foods, substances, people, places, and things. This reaction comes from your body being in a place of fear and defensiveness about something that you come in contact with. I have seen people have negative energetic reactions to their mother, money, a specific color, and more! This reaction just means that your body has decided that that person, place, or thing is dangerous for you. This is very common.
Fearful reactions are an energetic imbalance that can cause almost any “symptom” in the body. Just a few examples include feeling shaky and “off,” headaches, itchiness, fatigue, and panic attacks. This is happening because at some point you came into contact with a person, place, or thing while you were feeling strong emotion or stress—either related or not related directly to it. Let me explain.
Let’s take the example of a family gathering, as this is one I’ve seen countless times. Everyone is sitting around the coffee table chatting on Thanksgiving when your brother Billy starts ranting about his political views. At the time, you are munching on chocolate-covered almonds, wondering when he will start to attack you about your views, as he always does. As the fear builds, you might have a belief being triggered, such as “I’m unsafe when Billy is unhappy.” Or you might recall, subconsciously, an old fight you had with him in the past (an unprocessed experience). During this time, your body is becoming more and more stressed.
While the threat of the family brawl is what’s really upsetting to you, your body decides to blame the chocolate-covered almonds you are eating because you are in contact with them at the time. Your energy system then creates a program to “react” to chocolate and almonds so that you are protected from this stress again. Or maybe it doesn’t link the chocolate or almonds, but instead it “blames” your brother’s unruly dog that is running around the house, so you become reactive to dogs. As another quick example, when we recently got a new kitten in our house, I immediately started feeling fatigued and heavy-headed. After realizing it was a reaction to our fluffy little Stanley, I worked on clearing it. I released fear around responsibility for a new pet and also cleared a couple of unprocessed experiences linked to previous pets. In just a few hours, the symptoms were almost completely gone. If your system perceives that something is a danger to you, it can create this negative reaction in an effort to keep you away from it in the future. It’s simply a misdirected protection mechanism.
Your body can become fearful or reactive to anything you are in contact with during times of great stress if the emotional energy doesn’t get acknowledged and processed in a healthy way. A lot of these negative reactions will clear as you work on unprocessed experiences and harmful beliefs. However, you can target them directly as well.
How to Clear Fear
Clearing these types of reactions can be complex, but I’d like to give you a basic technique to use, as it often works quite well. While there is really no clear formula for figuring out what’s behind these reactions, a lot of guessing and muscle testing will do the trick.
Using muscle testing, ask: “Is _______ (person, place, or thing) causing a negative reaction in my body?” Then, as we have done before, use muscle testing to ask if you need to know more before you can clear the negative reaction.
If you get a “yes,” you will likely need to handle it one of the following ways:
• Find and clear an unprocessed experience linked to it using Thymus Test and Tap and/or EFT.
• Find a harmful belief caused by fear, such as “almonds are dangerous for me,” and clear it using Chakra Tapping.
If you get a “no,” it means you don’t need to know more about why the reaction is happening before you can successfully clear the reaction. You can use this quickie EFT tapping script that I use very successfully to clear fear-based reactions. You can alter the words as long as you are addressing the same theme: the body not liking, being defensive around, and feeling unsafe with the substance or issue you are reacting to. If the item you are reacting to is something tangible (like a type of food or fabric), it’s helpful to put it on your lap while you use this script.
Karate chop point—Even though I have this reaction to _______ , I choose to change that pattern. Repeat this three times while tapping the karate chop point continuously.
Rest of the points:
Top of the head—My body doesn’t like _______.
Eyebrow—My body is really scared of _______.
Side of the eye—For some reason, my body doesn’t like_______.
Under the eye—I am so defensive around _______.
Under the nose—My body got the idea that this is scary!
Chin—This _______ is dangerous for me.
Collarbone —My body can’t handle _______.
Under the arm/side of body—This strong reaction to _______.
Top of the hand—Do the following as you continue to tap:
Close your eyes, open your eyes, shift your eyes down and to the right (don’t move your head), shift your eyes down and to the left (don’t move your head), roll your eyes in a big circle in front of you, then roll them in the other direction, hum a few seconds of a song (anything will do!), count to five quickly out loud (1, 2, 3, 4, 5), then hum for a few more seconds.
Fingertips—My body doesn’t like _______.
My body is really scared of _______.
For some reason, my body doesn’t like _______.
I’m ready to be friends with _______ now.
I can be perfectly okay with _______.
Back to karate chop—My body can relax around _______ now. (It’s beneficial to continue tapping the karate chop point continuously while repeating this one a few times.)
It’s good to repeat this process for a few full rounds.
When you’ve done your clearing, it’s important to see if it’s really clear. The best way to confirm that your work is done is to muscle-test again. I typically use the testing statement This _______ is 100 percent safe for me now. Once you get a “yes” response from the body, the person, place, or thing should no longer cause a negative reaction for you. If possible, it’s beneficial to wait twenty-four hours before coming in contact with that reactive energy again.
In addition, the next time you come in contact with that reactive energy, I suggest that you use your EFT tapping points to tap for about one minute before and after contact. You do not need to say anything; rather, just tap the points while in the presence of that energy in order to help reinforce the calm and balanced state. This only needs to be done with the first contact after clearing.
You can also use the EFT tapping points to ease a sudden reaction you are having to something like a food or substance. I’ve helped many people through swollen tongues, itchy faces, and rashes just by tapping through the points for several rounds (no need to say anything out loud while you tap). The tapping can work wonders to calm down the system, especially while you are determining what medical help you might need, if any.
While I’ve worked with many clients who have successfully cleared major reactions, I do not recommend you rely solely on this process for anything you are highly reactive to. Allergic reactions are considered a medical issue and can be quite serious, so it’s best to be extra cautious.
Tip: You don’t need to be scared that you’ll create negative environmental fears or reactions every time you’re stressed. That’s the whole point of all the work we’re doing. We’re changing our internal relationship with stresses and chaos and more so that our system can better handle things and we can be well.
Through exploring all of these different ways that fear can show up in your life, you are probably now seeing fear in new ways. I’ve already given you some ideas of unprocessed experiences and beliefs to work with, which will help dissolve fear.
Next, we’re going to dig deeper into the process of clearing.
How to Address Fear Completely
Unprocessed experiences and harmful beliefs are held in the body as a reference point for fear. In other words, experiences and the beliefs that come from them are the body’s “proof” that there is something to be scared about, even though the original state of fear may be long past. The beliefs and experiences are essentially “fear triggers.” Clearing experiences and beliefs that are acting as fear triggers is one part of clearing fear completely. The body also has a physiological response to fear (the fight, flight, or freeze response), and that can be a very entrenched pattern. It needs to be calmed down, retrained, and redirected to do something different from what it’s been doing probably for a very long time. Changing this physiological response to fear is the second part of clearing fear completely. I’ve seen many “conquer fear” plans fail because one of these aspects was missed. Let me spell out exactly how we achieve fear-clearing success in two parts.
Part 1: Clear Fear Triggers
We now know all of the things that can cause fear. Remember, every fear most likely comes down to a core worry that you’ll end up unsafe in some way. So if you think in terms of what things make you feel that way, you’ll always be on the right track. Clearing those causes are a big part of the overall process of addressing fear. We will do this by using techniques you’ve already learned to release harmful beliefs and unprocessed experiences.
Here’s a breakdown of the process:
• Clear Unprocessed Experiences—Identify and clear unprocessed experiences from your past where you may have gone into fight, flight, or freeze mode. This can include experiences where you felt fearful, panicked, humiliated, or unsafe in any way (emotionally or physically). You can jump back to Chapter Seven to do this. Additionally, you can use the 3 Hearts Method that you learned in Chapter Nine. These may include generational or past-life experiences, which we talked about earlier.
• Clear Harmful Beliefs—Look at each of the common ways fear can show up, which we just covered. Try to identify harmful beliefs that could be behind them. You can use the suggestions I offered, or you may be able to come up with some of your own. You can go back to Chapter Eight to run through that process, or you can use the 3 Hearts Method that you learned in Chapter Nine. These beliefs may include generational or past-life experiences.
Take your time and gently work on clearing energy using the methods you’ve learned. Even finding small relief from one fear can help catapult your body in the direction of healing. Go where your heart tells you to go and you’ll be moving further away from fear with every step.
Part 2: Reprogram the Fear Response in the Body
While it’s important to go back and clear the root causes of fear energy, you also need to retrain the fight, flight or freeze response in the body. Here I’ll share several ways to approach this so you can find what works best for you. Remember that we can manipulate and calm that triple warmer meridian (papa bear) energy, which is closely connected to the fear response. By doing so over and over, we can set a new pattern.
By using these simple techniques anytime you’re feeling fearful, you’ll essentially be saying to your body, Hey, we can do this calming thing instead now. You don’t have to use them all, but I want to give you several options so you find a few that you feel called to use. You must remember to use them, and to use them consistently, when you get triggered into fear mode. That’s the only way this reprogramming process will work.
Heartbeat Thymus Tapping—We originally discussed the importance of the thymus gland and tapping it in Chapter Four. We then explored it further in Chapter Seven when we learned Thymus Test and Tap. Gently tapping the thymus gland in a specific 1-2-3 rhythm, to mimic a heartbeat, is one of my favorite go-to fear-calming techniques. It is both stimulating to the immune system and calming to the body. It’s a perfect combination.
I use a flat hand against my chest for this, tapping my fingers against my thymus with the third “beat,” or tap, slightly firmer than the rest. This can be done for a few seconds to a few minutes.
Use the Panic Point—Remember the “top of the hand,” or gamut point, that we use in EFT? It’s in the groove between the pinky and ring finger, about halfway down on the top of the hand. Simply use three or four fingers of your other hand and tap or rub that spot. Use it along with deep breaths when you need to calm down. This one is easy to do under a restaurant table or a desk. Because it’s directly on the triple warmer meridian or energy pathway, working with it actually sends a message to that energy force to calm down and “back off” from being in overprotective mode.
Nose Breathing—When we are panicked, we tend to breathe rapidly through our mouths. If you’ve ever had a panic attack, you will know just what kind of breathing I’m talking about. One of the ways to signal to the body that we are safe is to adjust our breathing to match the natural breathing pattern of actually feeling safe. For this, I recommend concentrating on nose breathing. Take deep, slow breaths, inhaling and exhaling through your nose. Try to inhale over a period of three seconds, then exhale using that same time goal. It is impossible to breathe rapidly using this method, which helps you gently bring your body back to a calm place. Additionally, slowing down your physical movements during activities like eating or walking signals to the nervous system to slow and calm down as well.
Panic Pose—Crossing your arms, which mimics holding or hugging yourself, is extremely calming and protecting. In fact, if you cup each hand so it’s cradling the elbow of the opposite arm and gently rock, you’ll double your panic-releasing superpower. By rocking, you are triggering the calming response familiar to us all at a primal level, from the time we were first rocked as infants.
EFT or Chakra Tapping—Without saying anything at all, tapping the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) points or the Chakra Tapping points will work to calm your body when you’re in a place of fear. The verbiage we used during the tapping processes in chapters 7 and 8 helped us bring up the energy in order to clear it. However, if you are already in a place of fear, there is no need to say anything. Just allow yourself to be where you are, and tap away until the energy shifts. Once you’ve calmed down, you can then figure out what triggered you (an unprocessed experience?) and go back to work on that.
Triple Warmer Meridian Trace—As you first learned in Chapter Two, the triple warmer meridian, or that inner “papa bear” energy, is responsible for your fight, flight, or freeze response. When this meridian becomes overcharged, your body is likely to feel full of adrenaline and panic. Luckily, there is a great way to tame this specific meridian. We can do this by tracing the triple warmer meridian backward. This will gently release or draw out any excess energy that is not needed in the moment. It may be helpful to take a quick look back at the triple warmer meridian image in Chapter Two before you start.
Place each of your hands flat against either side of your face, so your fingertips are resting on your temples and your palms are resting on your cheeks. Now slowly and deliberately trace your hands up and around your ears (staying in contact with your head) as if you were pushing a child’s hair back out of their face to comfort them while they were upset. Once you’ve traced to under your earlobes, continue by dragging your flat hands down the sides of your neck until you reach your shoulders. This should all be one fluid movement. Now lift your hands off, cross your arms so each hand is resting on the opposite shoulder, and continue to slide each hand down your arms so you’re in a self-hug position, ending when you are holding your own hands. Take a deep breath. Repeat several more times.
Create a Safe Space—Having an accessible go-to plan, or a metaphorical safe space, even in the midst of chaos and doubt can make a huge difference. Here are some suggestions for creating that safe space for yourself, no matter where you are.
• Choose a Phrase or Symbol—It’s a good idea to create a code phrase or symbol to instantly send ourselves a reminder message that we are safe. My favorite affirmations or mantras for this are “I am safe” and “all is well.” You can choose anything you want, but be sure you are saying something you believe at some level, even if it’s “I can get through this moment.” For symbols that bring comfort, assign yourself a calming image to call upon when you are struggling. It can be anything that has only a positive connotation for you—a religious symbol, the beach, or the smiling face of a baby in your life. If you want to “set” this image as your safe place, simply bring the visual to mind and say, “From now on, when I picture this image, it shall bring me peace, calm, and comfort.” Now you can bring it to mind anytime and draw its positive energy right into your body and space.
• Use Music—Music, because it has its own energetic frequencies, can be very calming and healing. A special type of sound healing therapy called Solfeggio frequencies are believed to date back to ancient Gregorian chants and contain special frequencies. Many people who use them have experienced great benefit. However, I believe that any music you resonate with can have immense healing capability.
Even though I am not religious, I just love church hymns and gospel church music to calm and center me. I listen to them often as a way to raise my vibration. My favorite for shifting my mood is Smokey Robinson’s music. When I’m feeling vulnerable or uncertain, I always listen to Sara Bareilles’s song “Brave.” It changes everything for me. Having a few different songs that you can use to help create a safe space or shift your vibration can be a great tool.
Once your body is “trained” into relaxation mode using the songs of your choice, the songs can then be used as an instant calming cue to your body.
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You now have lots of tools for calming fear. Use them in the moments when you are feeling fear, and over time your body will be trained into feeling calm instead of going into its usual fear response. While I have offered you many options, you might resonate with only a few. It’s okay to use the ones you are drawn to over and over in your practice and disregard anything that you don’t resonate with.
Next, you’re going to learn how to create a unique map for your own healing using everything you’ve learned. This is going to pull it all together for you so you have a clear plan to move forward with.