Chapter 4
Life at School
I can’t even think straight.
One of the most challenging parts of being a GLBTQ teen can be coping with life at school. You have social hierarchies and cliques, teachers piling on the homework, administrators watching your every move, and teammates who are counting on you. Meanwhile, you’re going through the normal stages of adolescence, which may have you feeling anything but normal. It’s common to have times when you don’t feel like you belong in your own skin. And on top of all that, you’re coming to terms with possibly being queer.
School Life for GLBTQ Teens: The Big Picture
Surveys have revealed that life at school can range from pretty uncomfortable to downright dangerous for GLBTQ teens. The Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network’s (GLSEN) “2009 National School Climate Survey”—the most comprehensive report on the experiences of lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender students—surveyed 7,261 students between the ages of 13 and 21. Among the findings were the following:
- 85 percent of GLBTQ teens had experienced harassment in the past year
- 40 percent reported being physically harassed (such as being physically blocked from walking down the hall) and 19 percent reported being physically assaulted (punched, kicked, etc.) at school in the past year because of their sexual orientation
- 89 percent heard the word “gay” used in a negative way frequently or often at school; 72 percent heard derogatory remarks such as “faggot” or “dyke” frequently or often at school
- 62 percent of students who were harassed or assaulted in school did not report incidents to school staff because they believed little or no action would be taken and that the situation could become worse if they reported it
- 34 percent of students who reported incidents of harassment said that school staff did nothing in response
- More than half (53 percent) of students reported being harassed or threatened via electronic media such as text messages, emails, instant messages, or postings on social networking sites (also known as cyberbullying)
- 61 percent of students reported that they felt unsafe in school because of their sexual orientation, and more than 40 percent felt unsafe because of their gender expression
- The reported grade point average of students who were more frequently harassed because of their sexual orientation or gender expression was almost half a grade lower than for students who were harassed less often
- Only 18 percent of respondents attended a school that had a comprehensive safe school policy that specifically mentioned sexual orientation, gender identity, and/or gender expression
- Only 15 states and the District of Columbia have comprehensive anti-bullying/harassment laws that include sexual orientation, gender identity, and/or gender expression
On a more positive note, GLSEN also found that the number of sources of support for GLBTQ teens is growing, including gay-straight alliances (GSAs). A GSA is a student-led school club that aims to create a safe, welcoming, accepting school environment for all students—regardless of their sexual orientation or gender identity.
Been There:
“In ninth grade, on my second day at public school, I was walking down the hall and a young male said the word that wounds every gay teenager—fag. From there on things snowballed. Daily, more and more people would use those hate words: fag, homo, queer, sissy. Eventually, things moved from words to violence and pranks. I even had death threats.”
—Danny, 15
GLSEN’s research shows that students in schools with a GSA reported hearing fewer homophobic remarks and experienced less harassment and assault because of their sexual orientation and gender expression (the way a person dresses or acts in relation to her or his gender identity). Students at these schools were also less likely to feel unsafe because of their orientation or gender expression, and they were more likely to tell school staff if they’d been harassed or assaulted. More information on GSAs, including suggestions for starting one in your school, can be found under “Common Questions and Answers About GSAs.”
The research also showed that having a safe school policy that includes sexual orientation and/or gender identity and expression makes a difference. Students at these schools heard fewer homophobic remarks and were less frequently victimized because of their sexual orientation. Staff members at these schools were also more likely to intervene when hearing homophobic remarks. Improvements in climate were also seen in schools where staff members are knowledgeable about GLBTQ issues and the curriculum is queer-inclusive.
Feeling Invisible . . . or Too Visible
Feeling invisible is something that most GLBTQ people experience at one time or another, regardless of age. It’s difficult to grow up not seeing many positive representations of people like you. You might sometimes feel like you’re the only one. Living in a predominantly straight society can be very isolating at times.
Is Anybody Else Out There?
As you walk through the cafeteria, the air is buzzing with girls talking about boys and boys talking about girls. And then there’s you, who might be interested in boys, or girls, or both, or neither. In situations like this, it’s easy to feel like a square peg in a round hole.
Visibility can be a problem not only in the cafeteria, but also in the curriculum. Debates are taking place all across the country about whether GLBTQ topics should be included in what you learn at school. While some schools do allow and encourage teachers to integrate these subjects into the curriculum, many others do not. In some districts, teachers can even be disciplined for mentioning queerness. If your classes don’t include any mention of GLBTQ people, it can seem like you just appeared out of nowhere.
It can help to remember a lot of GLBTQ teens are out there. Many of them are going through situations and issues similar to your own. You’re not “abnormal,” and you’re definitely not alone.
Been There:
“In high school, the fact that I was aware of my differentness made my experience difficult. Coming out created a situation that didn’t allow me to shy away from my reality. By the time I graduated, I had a fairly good idea of what to expect from others and myself.”
—Adrian, 20
Four Ways to Fight Feeling Invisible
Here are some positive things you can do to keep from feeling isolated:
1. Research your GLBTQ “roots.” The next time you’re assigned a project for which you can choose your own topic, think about researching some of your queer predecessors. Write about poet Walt Whitman, painter Georgia O’Keefe, composer Peter Tchaikovsky, singer Bessie Smith, or professional tennis player Dr. Renee Richards. Offer a history lesson on the Stonewall uprising and how it shaped the GLBTQ rights movement or a political science presentation on the debate over queer marriage rights. Learn about the people who came before you, their challenges and their triumphs. It can help you appreciate what a long and rich history queer people have.
2. Get in touch with other GLBTQ teens. You might meet people at local GLBTQ organizations, online, or through others you know. (Chapter 5 has more information about meeting others.) It’s important to talk with people who understand what you’re going through and who can support you. Plus, it can be satisfying when you can support someone else in return.
3. Get involved in creating change. You might join or start a GSA at your school. You could also get involved with a local or national GLBTQ group. Being an activist is a great way to meet people with common interests, and it feels good to work for something positive.
4. Give yourself opportunities to shine. Take part in activities that give you a chance to feel good about yourself—maybe even show off a little. These don’t have to be GLBTQ-related. If you’re a great singer, try out for that solo in the spring concert. Take an art class and paint your heart out. Enter an amazing project in the science fair. Show off your speed on the track team. Dust off your guitar and start a band. Give yourself opportunities to succeed and enjoy yourself.
I Wish I Could Just Blend In
Maybe the problem is that you feel too visible. If you’re subjected to taunts and harassment or bullying much of the day, a little invisibility might seem like a good thing. A lot of GLBTQ teens probably share those feelings. Remember those statistics from the GLSEN survey at the beginning of this chapter? You’re not alone.
Even if you decide to come out voluntarily, the amount of attention it brings could be unexpected and overwhelming (although that’s not always the case). You can reach out for help and find ways to make that visibility less scary by getting involved in a GSA or working to change your school environment. And you do have friends among your straight peers, whether you’re aware of it yet or not. As our society becomes more educated about what it means to be queer, more and more of our straight allies are realizing 1) we’re really not so different, and 2) we need their visible support when it comes to standing up for our rights as human beings.
Been There:
“I think the hardest part of being out at school was the social aspect. All of my friends were very supportive. However, seeing the reactions of many of my classmates was extremely disheartening. Seeing that people found it entirely logical to hate me without knowing me not only hurt, but also made me lose a lot of faith in people. I wondered, ‘If these misunderstandings and beliefs are so difficult for people to see through or question, what else could be entirely misunderstood? What may I need to take a closer look at or question?’ And that’s what sparked me to really search for what I thought, not what I was told to think or what everyone else thought—politically, spiritually, socially, and personally. I have become a much more satisfied, fulfilled, and confident person as a result.”
—Owen, 19
“Being a lesbian, or even being perceived as one, had its constraints in high school. I was always pretty guarded. My life was school and softball and work. Then I started to date someone who went to the same school and the lid blew off, but no one was saying anything. That, I think, was the worst thing for me. I was being closely watched and no one would say why. But since then, it seems that half the student population felt a need to come out. Sometimes I think I had something to do with that.”—Davina, 20
Exercising Your Rights as a GLBTQ Student
Some schools have policies that protect students from bullying and harassment based on sexual orientation and gender identity. Your school’s harassment policy (it may be called a “safe schools policy”) usually can be found in your student handbook. Even if your school doesn’t include sexual orientation and gender identity in its policy on bullying and harassment, you still have a right as a human being to be safe at school. Administrators and teachers are legally responsible for protecting all students. And you have options for how to deal with harassment.
Teen Heroes: Changing the Environment for Queer Students
Sometimes it’s difficult to believe that one person can make a big difference, but you can make a difference. And what’s more, you’re not alone in the fight against discrimination and harassment. Other teens, just like you, are engaged in similar struggles. And many adults and straight peers are willing to help. You can make a difference by standing up against prejudice and asking others to do the same.
Take a look at how some of these teens fought harassment in their schools.
Jacob Sullivan. In 2009, 14-year-old Jacob Sullivan, with the help of the New York Civil Liberties Union, filed suit against the Mohawk Central School District. Jacob alleged that the district failed to protect him against ongoing harassment, physical abuse, and threats made against him due to his sexual orientation and nonconformity to masculine stereotypes. The U.S. Justice Department later joined the suit, which meant that this case could set a precedent for future rulings and involve a broader interpretation of a federal law prohibiting gender discrimination.
The suit was settled March 29, 2010, and, as part of the agreement, Jacob’s family received $50,000. But perhaps more important, the district agreed to make its schools safer for students. It enlisted the support of the Anti-Defamation League and began training staff on how to better address issues of harassment. The school district also reviewed its policies on harassment based on sex, gender identity, gender expression, and sexual orientation in an effort to create a more positive atmosphere for all students.
Nick Garafola. In 2009, after surviving nearly relentless taunting that culminated in a physical altercation, Nick Garafola decided something needed to be done at his school. With the help of some interested peers and an adult advisor, Nick cofounded Spectrum, his school’s gay-straight alliance. “We are currently working on a schoolwide beautification project, which will introduce GLBTQ-themed art into the building,” Nick wrote in a 2009 article. “Mostly, though, our GSA is a fun and safe place for a bunch of us like-minded students to chill out and talk about homophobia and the differences between tolerating and embracing diversity.”
Nick also created a Safe Zone program at his school. “The purpose of the Safe Zone program is to give all students—gay, lesbian, heterosexual, bisexual, questioning, or transgender—someone to talk to about sexual orientation and gender. . . . My mission is to create an environment of acceptance in which all students and teachers can take part.” At Nick’s school, a pink triangle is placed on the classroom doors of faculty members who have designated themselves as “allies.” These allies are taught about the issues teens face regarding sexual orientation and gender.
National Day of Silence: The National Day of Silence brings attention to anti-GLBTQ name-calling, bullying, and harassment in schools. Participants take a vow of silence for part or all of the school day and often hand out “speaking cards” that explain their silence and educate others about issues facing GLBTQ teens.
For more information on the National Day of Silence, including organizing kits and news updates, visit the event website (dayofsilence.org). Another great resource for promoting GLBTQ-friendly learning environments is GLSEN’s ThinkB4YouSpeak (thinkb4youspeak.com). Visit the site to learn how you can address the use of anti-queer language (words like “fag” and “dyke”) in your school.
Dylan Theno. Dylan Theno isn’t gay, but because he was perceived to be by some of his classmates, he was threatened and verbally harassed so much that he dropped out of school during his junior year. The harassment started when he was in seventh grade. Dylan brought a federal suit against the Tonganoxie School District in Kansas for failing to protect him. In 2005, he won a $440,000 settlement.
Joseph Ramelli and Megan Donovan. Joseph Ramelli and Megan Donovan, both gay, were repeatedly threatened and harassed by students at Poway High School (near San Diego, California). During their senior year, Joseph and Megan had to be homeschooled because of the harassment. The students filed a lawsuit and, in 2005, were awarded $300,000. The jury found that, even though school officials were aware of the harassment, they failed to protect Joseph and Megan.
Pat Doe. Fifteen-year-old transgender student known in court documents as Pat Doe took her school to court over her right to express her gender identity by wearing girls’ clothing. According to GLBTQ magazine The Advocate, Pat’s principal had deemed it “disruptive” for a biologically male student to wear “feminine” clothing. In 2000, a Massachusetts appellate court agreed with Pat and she returned to school able to dress as she felt comfortable.
Alana Flores. In 1997, Alana Flores was regularly harassed at her school in Morgan Hill, California. She repeatedly received death threats written on her locker, including the words, “Die, dyke bitch” and “We’ll kill you.” Alana took the threatening notes to the assistant principal, who dismissed her complaints and told her to go back to class.
In 1998, Alana and five other students sued the school district for repeatedly ignoring the reports they made about being harassed and bullied by others who thought they were gay. In 2004, the school district was ordered to pay $1.1 million in legal fees and damages. Schools in Morgan Hill also implemented a training program for teachers and administrators to try to eliminate anti-gay harassment. The case set the precedent by a federal court that schools aware of anti-gay harassment must take meaningful steps to stop it.
Jamie Nabozny. Jamie Nabozny suffered such violent abuse and harassment that he was forced to drop out of his Ashland, Wisconsin, high school. Jamie brought a lawsuit against the school district, and in 1996, a federal court ruled in his favor, stating that the school had failed to provide him with a safe learning environment. The school agreed to pay nearly $1 million to settle the case. The landmark decision—that schools can be held liable for deliberately ignoring anti-gay harassment—set a precedent for similar cases and forced many schools to examine their own policies. Jamie’s story is featured in the documentary Bullied (see Resources).
According to the ACLU, since 1996 courts have awarded more than $4 million to gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender students who filed lawsuits against schools for refusing to take adequate steps to stop anti-queer harassment.
Filing a lawsuit may not be the best solution for every situation, but it is an option. As Nick Garafola showed, you can create change without going to court. But the results of these and similar cases across the country have resulted in some schools voluntarily protecting GLBTQ students from harassment. Many teens see these rulings as evidence that they should not have to endure harassment, and they’re right.
The Voice of Authority: Talking to Teachers and Administrators
Teachers, administrators, and other school officials can be some of your greatest allies, or they can be some of your biggest headaches.
For some students, even worse than bullying and harassment from other students is dealing with prejudice from school officials. According to Human Rights Watch, an international organization working for the equality of all people, many students find discrimination by teachers even more demoralizing and difficult to deal with than anything their peers say or do.
Some school officials and teachers harass teens by making anti-GLBTQ remarks. Some turn a blind eye to harassment by students or other members of the school community. Others tell GLBTQ students that it’s their own fault because they invite harassment by “flaunting” who they are.
However it occurs, mistreatment by school staff is unacceptable. There are actions you can take to help make your school safer for everyone.
Confronting Authority
Here are some ways you can confront harassment and discrimination by officials or teachers at your school:
Action: Approach the offending official or teacher. Tell him how his speech or behavior makes you feel. Explain that when he ignores or participates in harassment, it sends a message to students that it’s okay. Stay calm and rational as you talk to the person. This can be difficult, but it can help you make your point more effectively.
Action: Tell a parent, guardian, or another adult. Parents or guardians can be helpful allies in standing up to bullies, especially if the bullies are other adults. Confronting an adult can be very intimidating, so it’s a good idea to have the support of at least one adult you trust.
Action: Tell an administrator. If the perpetrator of prejudice is a teacher or another staff member, report her to an administrator such as a principal or vice principal. If the perpetrator is an administrator herself, approach the school superintendent or the school board. If you’re going that high up the chain of command, it’s especially good to have an adult backup—a parent, a lawyer, someone from a national GLBTQ organization, or a combination of these.
On Your Side: Getting Support from School Staff
Many teachers and administrators want to help protect queer students from bullying and harassment. Some might speak up when they hear anti-GLBTQ language or see physical harassment. If your school has a GSA, the group’s faculty advisor could also be a good advocate for you. Enlist the help of any official who you know wants to support queer students at school.
Been There:
“I actually found out that my math teacher was a lesbian. After I graduated we ended up becoming friends.”
—Jennifer, 18
As with coming out, when it comes to bullying, it helps to be prepared before taking action. Get informed, know what your resources are, and get yourself in a solid, positive mindset.
1. Consult with a group such as GLSEN, the ACLU, or Lambda Legal to find out exactly what your legal rights are at school.
2. Research how students at other schools have had success in confronting issues with teachers or school administrators. You might be able to connect with some of these peers via email or an online social network.
3. Prepare your “case” with detailed notes, witnesses, and examples. Even if you’re not going to court (at least, not yet) it’s helpful to think of your situation as a case. Being detailed helps others see that you’re serious.
4. Be calm and rational. If you’re overly emotional, the authorities might try to dismiss you as overreacting.
5. Keep it simple. State your problem as briefly as you can and stick to the facts. Stay away from giving your personal opinions (unless you’re asked), and provide a factual account of the events.
6. Listen. There are two sides to every story. It can be tough to listen to the person doing the bullying give his version of the story, but remember that acting calmly and rationally will help demonstrate your maturity and your seriousness about confronting the problem.
For more information on dealing with bullying, including cyberbullying, see “Responding to Homophobia.”
Club Life: Gay-Straight Alliances (GSAs) and Other Queer-Friendly Activities
Gay-straight alliances are student-led groups that work to create a safe, welcoming, accepting school environment for all students.
GSAs have received a lot of coverage in the media. Some school districts have attempted to block their formation, but your right to form a GSA in your school is protected by the law. There are two laws that apply—the First Amendment (protecting freedom of speech and assembly) and the federal Equal Access Act (providing for equal treatment of all non-instructional, student-initiated clubs). All over the country, students are fighting back and standing up for their rights to form GSAs.
Common Questions and Answers About GSAs
Here are some common questions and answers about gay-straight alliances. More information about GSAs is also available from GLSEN (www.glsen.org) and the GSA Network (www.gsanetwork.org).
Q: Who gets involved in gay-straight alliances?
A: GSAs welcome any student who feels that harassment and discrimination against GLBTQ people, their families, and their friends is wrong.
Q: How many GSAs are there?
A: Gay-straight alliances can be found in public, private, and parochial high schools and middle schools of various sizes all over the country. More than 4,000 GSAs are registered with GLSEN.
Q: Do people in gay-straight alliances talk about sex?
A: That’s not the purpose of GSAs. These groups meet just like any other school club, but the activities range from discussions of gender roles or what it means to be queer to working on projects aimed at making the school a safer space for GLBTQ students. GLSEN supports several events that many gay-straight alliances participate in. Among these are Ally Week in October, TransACTION! in November, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. Organizing Weekend in January, and the National Day of Silence in April.
Been There:
“I cofounded the GSA at my school. My friend and I wrote the appropriate letters and had meetings with the principal. We also found a faculty advisor, figured out a place to meet, chose our meeting time, and named our group. It was an uphill battle, during which we came head-to-head with the principal several times. But we managed to do some good things, like hold events for National Coming Out Day and the National Day of Silence. The group was definitely controversial, but we helped to raise a lot of awareness.”
—Arian, 19
How to Start a GSA
If you’re interested in starting a gay-straight alliance at your school, here are some basic steps to get things moving:
1. Find out and follow your school’s guidelines. You establish a GSA the same way you would any other school club. Look in your student handbook for your school’s rules for starting a group. You may find guidelines or a set process you need to follow (for example, writing a club mission statement).
2. Find a faculty advisor. Consider teachers or staff members who you think would be supportive or who have shown support for GLBTQ issues. Your school might have guidelines about who is eligible to be a club advisor.
3. Find other interested students. GSAs are for both GLBTQ and straight students. Straight students who feel that anti-GLBTQ discrimination is wrong are often strong and vocal GSA members. Look for members all over your school. The more diverse the GSA membership is, the stronger and more effective it can be.
4. Talk to the administration. Tell school officials what you’re doing and try to get their support. If they’re supportive, they can help the GSA gain acceptance among students, teachers, and the community. If administrators oppose the formation of the group, inform them (calmly and kindly) of your legal rights to start a club.
5. Pick a meeting place. Select a place in the school that affords some privacy, but is also easily accessible. It could be a classroom, counselor’s office, or conference room.
6. Advertise. Let others know about the meeting through posters, flyers, a page on a social networking website, word-of-mouth, the school’s website, and any other (appropriate) method you can think of. Some people may tear down or put graffiti on your flyers and posters. Don’t be discouraged. Have a reserve stash so you can post more.
7. Plan an agenda. Think about what you want to do at your first meeting and plan ahead. You can do anything from holding discussions and playing get-to-know-you games to having a guest speaker and planning a workshop. Visit the websites of organizations that support GSAs for more meeting ideas.
The Official Ruling: U.S. District Court Judge David O. Carter made a landmark decision on GSAs. He stated in his ruling, “To the extent that the [school] board opens up its school facilities to any noncurriculum related group, it must open its facilities to all student groups.”
For more information about legal rights and GSAs, visit the websites of GLSEN (glsen.org) and the ACLU (aclu.org/safeschools).
8. Hold the meeting. A good idea for the first meeting is to have members introduce themselves, discuss why the group is needed, plan your overall goals, and brainstorm projects for the year. You also might want to plan to elect group members for president, vice president, treasurer, and other club offices so that you have a leadership structure.
9. Set ground rules. At the first meeting, work together to create rules to ensure that discussions are safe, confidential, and respectful. Make sure group members know that everyone’s views are welcome.
10. Plan for the future. Set goals for what you want the GSA to accomplish, not only in the next few months but also in the long term. Be realistic about what you can do over the course of the year, but don’t limit yourself. You might be amazed at what you can achieve.
This information is adapted from GLSEN’s “Jump-Start Guide to Building and Activating Your GSA.”
Moving On: Deciding If You Need to Change Schools
Unfortunately, some queer teens end up having to change schools because officials are unwilling to address bullying and harassment. Some may ignore or even participate in the mistreatment.
Making the Change
If you’ve explored all of your options for bringing an end to harassment—talking with teachers, administrators, school superintendents, the school board, and people from national GLBTQ organizations—and it hasn’t worked, or if you believe you’re in serious danger, it might be time to change schools. Approach your parent or guardian and talk with him or her about why you feel it’s necessary for you to make the change.
Moving to a new school won’t necessarily mean an end to bullying and harassment. You might still encounter problems similar to the ones you had at your previous school. It’s a good idea to have your parent or guardian contact administrators at your new prospective school to find out their stance on GLBTQ harassment issues. If attitudes at your new school aren’t any better (or are even worse) than your current school, it might be wise to look at other options. You could consider getting legal assistance from a national GLBTQ or civil rights organization. Homeschooling or studying for the GED at a local community college are other possibilities. A few large cities (including New York, Los Angeles, Dallas, and Milwaukee) even have schools—public and private—specifically for queer students.
An Online School for Queer Teens: In 2010, GLBTQ Online High School opened its virtual doors to its first students. The school is the world’s first online high school created specifically for gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender teens, or teens questioning their sexuality or gender. The school provides an interactive online education, complete with highly qualified teachers in all of the subject areas you’d find at brick-and-mortar high schools, and a few more, such as queer studies. GLBTQ Online High School also provides extensive adult and peer support, as well as one-on-one support from counselors specially trained in GLBTQ issues among young people. Students can enroll on a full- or part-time basis, and some scholarships are available. For more information about the school, visit glbtqonlinehighschool.com.
Staying in School
Whatever you do, continue your education. GLBTQ teens often have much higher absenteeism and dropout rates than their straight peers. According to “The 2009 National School Climate Survey,” 29 percent of GLBTQ students missed a class and 30 percent missed an entire day of school in the past month because of feeling unsafe, compared to only 8 percent and 7 percent, respectively, of a national sample of secondary school students. Also, queer students who experience harassment often get lower grades than their straight peers and may disengage from school altogether. Queer teens were more likely to report that they didn’t plan to pursue any post-secondary education (or getting a high school diploma or finishing high school at all) than their straight peers.
Been There:
“I dropped out of high school after six months of constant torture. Being gay, or being perceived to be gay, affected me very negatively, to the point of being suicidal, because of all the daily harassment. [Now I’m being homeschooled.] But I’ve found that being gay has opened up so many doors for me. My life would be so incredibly different if I weren’t gay. Every once in a while I will think about what my life would have been like if I’d been straight, and well, I don’t think that I would be as happy as I am right now. I mean, why would I want to be anyone other than who I am?”
—Robert, 15
An education is incredibly important, and although it might seem like a good solution at the time, dropping out of school will seriously limit your future opportunities. Don’t let a group of ignorant people rob you of your future. Whether you change schools, homeschool, get your GED, attend school online, or opt for early college admission, getting an education is your ticket to the life you want and deserve.