Step 1:
Journey of Separation
Teach me how to trust my heart, my mind, my intuition,
my inner knowing, the senses of my body, the blessing of my spirit.
Teach me to trust these things that I may enter my sacred space and love beyond my fear; and thus walk in balance with the passing of each glorious sun.
—lakota prayer
As you take this journey of separation to understand the development of your constricted self, you will utilize the information of the structure of the self, the energy template, the elements, and the Enneagram to guide you on the journey. This section starts with examining the foundation of how the constricted self is born, then examines how the constricted self is a shadow of the expanded self, how the physical senses animate the constricted self, and, finally, how your sense of subject vs. object separates yourself from your expanded self. We conclude the information of this chapter by describing what I call the “age activations.” At different times or ages in your life, certain aspects of your constricted self becomes more activated, dominating and separating you from yourself than at other times. At the end of this chapter, we begin using the tools with exercises that I’ve been describing.
How the Constricted Self Is Born
At the very beginning of life, you experienced a fundamental fear and anxiety when removed and separated from your mother’s womb into the outer world. Physical birth is the first step when human consciousness arises. Right from your birth your consciousness begins a process of confronting aloneness that is rooted in fear. This consciousness at birth vibrates and correlates with the frequency of delta brain waves of 0.5–4 hertz. These brain waves mark the first unfolding of consciousness of the newborn. Consciousness vibrates in this frequency at the unconscious level and is primarily located in the reptilian part of the brain. The reptilian brain is the survival mechanism in you. These brain waves of survival form your physical foundation to maintain and protect your existence. Delta brain frequency gives you your sense of grounding and solidity. These slow frequencies support your growth as a baby, allowing for deep sleep, need for nourishment, and total support from your caregivers.
It is through the intimate relationship of being fed and cared for that you as an infant are anchored on this earth and to others. This close relationship also allows you as an infant to belong or be connected to other objects (people, things, etc.) and to begin to configure a self separate from the “other.” Thus the unconscious drive of survival of your physical body gives the first sense perception of being or having a self. At this first phase of building the ego self, there begins a false experience of inseparability and security as your constricted self attempts to connect to people and the world.
The Shadow of the Expanded Self
At this early stage of emergence from the womb, however, there is still connection to what I’ve described as the expanded self. Imagine holding an infant in your lap with its radiance, wholeness, and absorbed presence. One can see and feel that presence. But then, one year later, notice the infant exploring the world. Recall in your imagination the shift from the being of presence to a child perceiving the world as “me” as separated from everything else. The child begins to find a new separate universe of body, space, and other. The space is a gap between the subject and an object. The body as the self (the subject) becomes surrounded by the environment (the object). The child may still know there is an inner world but lacks the rational distinction.
At this first phase of building the constricted self, there begins an experience of inseparability and security as the ego attempts to connect outside of self in order to belong and have a self-identification. Now your body-boundary ego self is constructed with space between yourself and other objects. If you didn’t have a body, you would be space. But space is now constructed as the means of separation between the subject and object. The contact of the senses (hearing, sight, taste, touch, smell) with others and with space gives a dimension that you are separated from all others and things. As you as the child grows and matures, your self-definition becomes more separated from the space of the “other.” In this beginning state of life, the sensations of your body emerge as your primary form of the constricted self.
Physical Senses and the Constricted Self
Imagine trying to hold a squirming three-year-old as she investigates her environment with all her physical senses, but is held back from doing so. This struggle by the child to reach out and explore what is going on around her is the natural drive for separation in the newborn. It is the physical senses that create a sense of boundary between you and others. As a child, what you sense with your eyes and what you hear, taste, touch, and smell tells you that the “out there” is to be discovered by these sensate mechanisms that interpret your “out there” world. With the power of your senses, there is now a boundary, which makes up your reality.
Space Equals Subject and Object
Space is constructed as the separation between the subject and object. To protect and defend your boundary, the reptilian part of your brain produces anxiety and fear if your senses pick up a threat to your boundary. At this first phase of building the constricted self, there begins a false experience of both a sense boundary and a drive for security as the self attempts to connect outside of self to belong and have a recognized identification as distinct from others. The body-boundary self is constructed with space between it and other objects. The contact of the senses to others by the ability to hear, see, taste, touch, smell, and space between gives a dimension that there is an “other,” thus solidifying a growing perception and separation from the inner and outer world of experience. This is the beginning of creating your reality structure outside yourself.
The Age Activations
There are other stages in your life at which activation and development of the separation from the “other” increases through the intensity of your physical sensations. These stages increase awareness and the space between you and other people in particular as objects outside yourself.
The first activation of special separation, as I’ve described, continues from birth until ages three to five years. The next stage of basic separation occurs between the ages of thirty and thirty-four, again between sixty and sixty-four, and again at ninety to ninety-four. At these ages, you reassess your grounding roots and focus on security, safety, self-confidence, physical aspects, self-worth, survival, support, and a sense of belonging. You will explore these different age stages experimentally as you work with the bonus videos in each journey session.
Physical protection systems begin to occur when there is separation from your expanded self. They develop because of your growing perception of the need for physical survival, particularly as you become aware of your death. In these various age stages, physical symptoms will occur as the mode of the constricted self becomes more dominant. You may notice problems with your feet, legs, hips, eating disorders, addictions, and adrenals that govern the fight-or-flight response to danger. Psychological issues may occur such as depression, loss of inner security, negativity, cynicism, people pleasing, and black-and-white thinking. These symptoms illustrate blocks in the energy frequency in this root energy center of the body. If you later begin to detach from the constricted self, these physical and psychological issues will have less of an impact on your life.
Journey of Separation Exercises
In the Journey of Separation, you begin to assess your roots of separation and your basic needs for connection. These needs of connection are the instinctual tendencies of how you are grounded to your body sensations and to your environment. The degree of your constriction will depend on whether you feel you belong and feel that people include you. To be included also raises questions like “Where do I want to live and with whom?” When you feel you do not belong in your family, community, workplace, or region, there is a continual experience of being abandoned or betrayed until you finally make a connection to a place, which connects you to the element of earth.
Feeling grounded in your physical body is essential to this journey of releasing the power of separation over your life. The lack of being grounded in your body can show up, especially in a weakness of strength and flexibility, in your lower limbs. These physical symptoms can occur in your feet, legs, hips, hemorrhoids, fissures, musculoskeletal problems, and more.
The big issue of separation is feeling insecure. With insecurity you may feel anxious, fearful, terrified, and even panicky. Fear will be manifested in your body as the fight response. This response comes when you perceived a harmful event, an attack, or threat to your survival. These insecure responses will affect your day-to-day living pattern and activity, your vitality, and your sleep, and, ultimately, they will keep you from living a life of harmony and equanimity.
These reaction tendencies at the various age stages will let you know when you are confronting and increasing process of separation and tightening your constrictions on your self. The following exercises will help you on the Journey of Separation.
Exercise: Age Separation Development
Become still in silence and breathe deeply so that your mind and heart settle and you can listen to the deepest part of yourself. Then answer these questions:
• Take a moment and ask yourself how the Journey of Separation affected your life between birth and four years old, and between the ages thirty to thirty-four and sixty to sixty-four as they apply to you. What were key events during these age periods? Record in your notebook.
• Make a list of fears and keep questioning yourself and your feelings until you get to what has been your basic source of fear throughout your life. Freely and spontaneously describe that fear in your notebook.
Exercise: Brain Frequency Patterns
Become still in silence and breathe deeply so that your mind and heart settle and you can listen to the deepest part of yourself. Then answer these questions:
• Recall your energy pattern vibration imbalance experiences, especially at any of the three developmental ages in the Age Separation Development exercise when functioning in this delta brain wave frequency (0.5–4 Hz), the slowest brain wave. Here are some examples of frequency imbalance to stimulate your thinking.
Frequency Imbalance: Brain injuries, learning problems, inability to think, severe ADHD, overeating, depression, material fixation, work, alcoholism, excessive spending, slow revitalization of the body, poor sleep, fear, underweight, disconnected to body, difficulty manifesting, and patterns of avoidance and resistance to structure.
• Write in your notebook about an age when one or more of these were dominant in your life. How did you cope? How did you deal with it?
If you haven’t determined your Enneagram type, please do so, as we will be working with this information. These exercises are to stimulate both your thinking and feelings about how your particular form of ego separation developed throughout your life and formed a unique pattern of constriction.
Your Enneatype Unconscious Childhood Message
Check your Enneagram type in relation to your unconscious childhood message and your basic fear. Which message patterns fits in your life? Give an example and write in your notebook.
Type One: It is not okay to make mistakes.
Type Two: It is not okay to have your own needs.
Type Three: It is not okay to have your own needs and identity.
Type Four: It is not okay to be functional or happy.
Type Five: It is not okay to be functional in the world.
Type Six: It is not okay to trust yourself.
Type Seven: It is not okay to depend on anyone for anything.
Type Eight: It is not okay to be vulnerable or trust anyone.
Type Nine: It is not okay to assert yourself.
Your Enneatype Basic Fear
From the following list, what basic fear fits your life? Give an example and write it in your notebook.
Type One: Of being bad, imbalanced, defective, and corrupt
Type Two: Of being unloved
Type Three: Of being worthless
Type Four: Of not having identity or significance
Type Five: Of being helpless, incompetent, and incapable
Type Six: Of being without support and guidance
Type Seven: Of being trapped in pain and deprivation
Type Eight: Of being harmed, controlled, or violated
Type Nine: Of loss of separation and fragmentation
Meditation Practices to Explore the Journey to Freedom
In the remaining chapters, I will be using guided meditations along with a variety of exercises to help you discover your unique patterns of personality structure. Each meditation is written in the text, but I suggest that you either pre-record or have a friend or family member read the text to you. The reason for pre-recording or having it read to you is I will be first guiding you into a relaxed state with your eyes closed and taking you down into the appropriate brain-wave frequency to access your unconscious mind state. Each meditation will also give you the option to go to Appendix D and access the video that has my voice guiding you along with music and binaural beats that entrains the mind to a specific brain frequency. Let me give you an overview of the different parts of the meditation practices.
The four chapters: Journey of Separation, Journey of Emotions, Journey of the Mind, and Journey of Self-Identity include guided meditations that explore how you began to separate from your essential nature and created your constricted self. The purpose of each of the meditations is for you to experience different aspects of the birth and creation of your ego identity. The intention of these guided meditations is for you to relax into and recall the experiences and conditions that formed your constricted self’s birth and development. These guided meditations will help you to open and gain awareness of the foundation on which your personality has been built by teaching you how to access your inner world. I truly encourage you to try the guided meditations and let them open a place of insight, understanding, and healing within you.
As we go through these next four constricted self development chapters, you will focus on different ages of your life. Some of these periods may not apply to you, as you may not have reached a particular physical age. Only do those age meditations that apply to you at the current ages and time in your life. For example, the first set of three meditations relating to the Journey of Separation presents the first meditation focused from birth to four years old. The second meditation is focused on ages thirty to thirty-four and the third meditation is ages sixty to sixty-four in your life. Obviously, if you have not reached thirty years old that meditation doesn’t apply to you. If, for example, you are forty years old, you would just focus on exploring in the meditations birth to four and the thirty to thirty-four year ranges. If you are seventy years or older you would do all three of the guided meditations for all three age periods.
In each of the four chapters, you will be doing various preparation assessments and exercises like the ones above. These exercises will help you remember particular issues and events in your life before and during the meditations. Each guided meditation begins with a relaxation process and then a guided journey in to each particular age group. When you come out of the meditation, it is useful to record what you experienced or talk with the person who guided you or others if you are in a group.
It is helpful to do these meditations two or three times if you can, as you will go deeper and access more insight about these ages and experiences of your life. In preparation for the guided meditation, I will give you several questions to consider before doing the meditation. These questions are to help you reflect on the potential issues of the age meditation that will “prime the pump,” so to speak, for deeper memory access while doing the meditation.
Let me emphasize from what I said above, please either pre-record the meditations in order to listen to them, or have a partner or friend read and guide you through it. Where there is a (pause) indicated, give yourself time to experience the instructions at that point. Also, once again, if you are interested you can access bonus videos for these meditations that I will guide you through. Besides my guiding in words, these meditations have specific brain frequencies, colors, and music. It’s not necessary to watch the videos, but it is a bonus for this second part of the book. You can access these videos through your computer or mobile device. You can find video information for each meditation in Appendix D.
The following meditation practices are a way you can explore this process of separation in your life more deeply. These first two guided meditations in the Journey of Separation will help you to begin to explore the birth of your constricted ego self. These are the first of what I call a “deep” meditation process. You will be guided into a deep state of relaxation and given a way to quickly put yourself into a deeply relaxed physical and emotional state whenever you want. This deep relaxed state will enable you to explore many aspects of both the development of your ego structure and as well as the next stage of your journey to inner freedom and happiness.
The relaxation process in this first guided meditation is longer than the ones you will have as we progress through the various journeys. In this relaxation process you will give yourself a marker—a symbol, an image, or a word—that is used to anchor in your body/mind to the direct physical experience of your relaxation state so that when you want to relax you can recall this marker and it will more quickly move your body/mind into a relaxed feeling.
Exercise: Meditation Ages Birth to Four Years Old
Please either pre-record this meditation in order to listen to it or have a partner or friend read and guide you through it. Where there is a (pause) indicated, give yourself time to experience the instructions at that point. (If you want to use the bonus video for this meditation go to Appendix D.)
Before beginning the meditation, I want you to focus on several questions in order to help you clarify your early pattern of developing your constricted self. Much of what occurs in us at this stage impacts us at a more unconscious level. Reflecting on these questions is preparation for going deeper into the guided meditation. Write your results in your notebook after doing the meditations.
Questions on Ages Birth to Four Years Old
• What is the result of being separated at birth in your life? Did you feel lonely and have connection needs, or did your environment and family seem okay and supportive to you?
• What did you need from your parents that you did or did not get, such as security and feeling grounded and at home in yourself and with others?
• When did you have an unstable time of feeling ungrounded and fearful?
• Throughout your life, did you feel safe and did you trust your environment? Were there perceived times when you did not feel safe?
Let’s begin the meditation:
• Find a safe, quite, comfortable place with your back straight but not rigid or if you prefer to lie down. (pause)
• Close your eyes and inwardly visualize a red color.
• As you settle in to listening to the instructions, keep visualizing the color as well as any other sounds in the environment. (pause)
• Sensations arise in the body just as thoughts arise in the mind. They come and go like bubbles.
• Let each mind/body/moment arise and pass away of its own momentum.
• Just be aware now of what you feel. (pause)
• Bring your attention to your eyes and allow the tiny ligaments around your eyes and the muscles behind your eyes to soften. Shift your attention from the outside environment you are in to turning inward. Be aware and feel this inward space within you. (pause)
• Let the growing softening behind your eyes flow into the brain cavity and into your scalp. It can feel like warmth flowing into your head.
• From your scalp, move the softening quality to your face. Experience your forehead being spacious, open, and relaxed.
• Notice your cheeks softening and drop their tightness.
• Drop any tension around your lips to allow your tongue to soften and rest in the mouth cavity.
• The softening of the jaws will free the neck, back of the neck, and shoulders to begin to drop and relax as well.
• Feel the multiple sensations arising and dissolving in the body. There may be tingling here and there as you focus on different parts of your body. (pause)
• Now allow the soft flow of energy to move down your arm, hand, and fingers.
• Notice the heaviness of your body as it becomes more relaxed. (pause)
• Put your attention now on your upper torso, chest, and diaphragm. Notice your breath slows as the heartbeat slows. (pause)
• Move to the top of your spine at the base of your neck and gradually allow the softening of the muscles down your spine to the bottom of your spinal cord.
• Feel the pressure of the buttocks on the chair (or where you are lying).
• Move through to the belly, pelvis, and hips, letting them gently relax as you put your attention on them. Let any tension release.
• Let the flow of relaxation move to the area where the legs meet.
• Gently be aware of receiving sensation arising in this very tender, very powerful life-giving area of sexuality and birth.
• Notice whatever feelings and emotions arise from focusing on this sacred area. (pause)
• Now move your attention and let the gentle relaxation move into the thighs, calf, feet, and toes.
• Let yourself feel this deep relaxed experience and let yourself open to being fully in your body. Be present and aware of your body from the soles of your feet to the crown of your head.
• Take a few moments now to reflect on your experience of this deep relaxation. I want you to remember what it feels like to be so deeply relaxed and connect this relaxation feeling to a symbol, an image, or a word. (pause)
• Now anchor this relaxation marker (the symbol, image, or word) somewhere in your body. Notice that this marker is deeply connected to this state of relaxation you are now in. (pause)
• Each time you want to relax, go to your anchor and recall your marker. Your brain will reenter into the state of relaxation more quickly.
• Move now to your belly. Take in three slow, deep breaths. On the last exhale, release any other tensions in your body. (pause)
• Once again take a deep inhale and notice the volume of openness and space inside you. On your exhale, merge with the space all around you in the room you are in. Do several more inhales and exhales as you expand into the space inside and outside of you. (pause)
• Gently and slowly move your awareness down into the center of your body right below your belly button.
• Rest your mind into this soft, warm space as a place of refuge, of quiet, of letting go, and as a place of healing. Let yourself feel the appreciation of being held within yourself. (pause)
• Imagine now that there is a television screen in front of you that is showing you your birth. Notice how you were emotionally held and how you were nurtured? Were you breastfed or bottle-fed? How did that type of holding and nourishing make you feel? Did you feel connected or loved? (pause)
• Now allow your inner remembering to show you yourself from ages one to five years old. (pause)
• Where were you living or what were you doing when you became aware that there was someone other than yourself?
• Recall also when you did not feel connected either to yourself or others. When was it when you sensed a space between you and others at this early age?
• Was there a time when you did not feel safe with parents or caregivers? At any time in this young age were you disgraced or shamed by adults?
• Who gave you the assurance that you belonged, were included, and were not left out from family or friends?
• What frightened you and where did you feel it in your body?
• Observe your thoughts about these questions. Just be present with them and let any memories or images arise on their own.
• Observe any emotions or feelings arising as you remember any of these events. (pause)
• If you lose awareness or get spaced out, come back to your remembering movie of yourself and allow the movie of your memories to continue.
• Continue exploring in this deep, relaxed place and then, when you are ready, open your eyes and be conscious of your body. Move your hands and feet and other parts of your body to come back to this waking consciousness. (pause)
• Now is the time to write in your notebook. Reflect on what you remembered about the beginning structure of the experiences and conditions that began to create your ego or what I’ve called the constricted self personality structure.
Exercise: Meditation Ages Thirty to Thirty-Four
and Sixty to Sixty-Four
Use this meditation for both age periods. Please either pre-record this meditation in order to listen to it or have a partner or friend read and guide you through it. Where there is a (pause) indicated, give yourself time to experience the instructions at that point. (If you want to use the bonus video for this meditation go to Appendix D.)
Here again, I want you to focus on several questions in order to help you access and clarify your separation pattern at a deeper, and perhaps from a more unconscious, level. Write your results in your notebook after doing the meditations.
Questions on Ages Thirty to Thirty-Four and Sixty to Sixty-Four
• Did you feel alone and separate at this time in your life?
• What is your behavior like when feeling separate?
• What triggers your anxiety and fear?
• What is it like for you when you try to connect to others and the world around you?
• What is it like not to be safe or trusting?
• What does separation or loneliness feel like for you?
• What gives you security?
Let’s begin the meditation:
• Relax into a safe, quiet environment and in a comfortable chair with your back straight but not rigid or lie comfortably on a mat or a bed.
• Close your eyes and then focus inwardly on the image of the color red for a few moments at the base of your spine.
• Notice any sounds in your environment as you focus your attention on the color red. (pause)
• Now recall the depth of your last meditation. Your brain/body remembers that relaxation state. As you remember the feeling, continue to release all your body and mental tensions.
• Whatever you now feel, simply notice where you may have any tension and consciously let go.
• Remember now your marker (see it or say it to yourself) and let your body/brain take you to that deep place of relaxation you experienced before. (pause)
• As you move deeper into relaxation, notice how your marker continues to release the tensions of your body. Experience yourself letting go to relaxation.
• Now take three long, deep breaths slowly.
• Allow thoughts, feelings, or outside disturbances to float through you without holding on to them.
• Using the symbol, image, or word of your marker, feel yourself inwardly move down into a deeper and deeper state of relaxation. As you move into that deeper state, experience yourself deeply at ease, content, and open to yourself. (pause)
• Now move into the belly, pelvis, and hips, relaxing and dropping tension.
• Let the flow of relaxation move to the area where the legs meet.
• Gently be aware of receiving sensation arising in this very tender, very powerful life-giving sacred area of being born and emerging into the world. Hold the color red at this place for a few moments.
• Be completely at rest, open, and without tension. (pause)
• Imagine now you are in a time machine going toward your age (either thirty to thirty-four or sixty to sixty-four.)
• Let your memories arise in you and notice what was going on in your life that involved a sense of you being separated from yourself, family, job, friends, health, or whatever naturally arises in you. (pause)
• Here are some questions to explore about this time period. Pause for a moment after each one to let any awareness arise.
• Do you feel alone and separate at this time in your life? (pause)
• What is your behavior like when feeling separate? (pause)
• What triggers anxiety and fear? (pause)
• What in you or about you is trying to connect to the world around you? (pause)
• Do you feel safe or trusting? What situations create an unsafe or untrusting feeling? (pause)
• What is it like for you to feel lonely and separated from yourself or others? (pause)
• Did you feel like you belonged in your family? Why or why not? (pause)
• After considering these questions and what has arose in memory, just observe your thoughts in this moment. Don’t judge yourself. Just notice and be present with your experience. (pause)
• Observe any emotions or feelings that arise in you.
• Continue exploring in silence until you are ready to open your eyes and move your body.
• Now is the time you can write in your workbook. What did you find about the beginning structure of your constricted self personality at this age?