Step 4:
Journey of Self-Identity
Every part of our personality that we do not love will become hostile to us.
—robert bly
In the Journey of Self-Identity we explore the explicit ages that shape your identity and what poet and author Robert Bly calls your shadow bag that you hide your true self within. We will also explore what your internal self-talk, or dialogue with yourself, does to reinforce your developing identity. Finally, you struggle to form your own identity with names like son, daughter, mother, boss, nurse, supervisor, etc., only to come to some point in your life where you feel lost and uncertain as to who you really are. We finish the chapter with the age activations, the Enneagram exercises, and the guided meditation.
Becoming an Identity
Adolescence, ages twelve to sixteen, is the time when the hormonal surge hits the constricted self. This is the next layer added to the structure of the constricted self. There is a temporary destabilization of mental focus because of the surprising disruption of body feelings. There is a shift of focus as you face new sexual feelings in your body. These sexual feelings take over your life. At this time, there is a remembrance of the intimacy with your mother when you were an infant. Sexual feelings arise in the renewed desire for intimacy with another.
This is a tumultuous time as the adolescent struggles between finding a sense of identity and a sense of worth. This tension creates an inner battle in the constricted self. Your newly formed identity is fragile, so you take it personally when others tease or criticize you. Taking things personally and taking yourself seriously is the central power of separation and constriction. In your adolescence, you are also dealing with the need to be accepted and to create an identity and a sense of value as you enter into the culture. If you feel unacceptable, it constricts you even more. Ultimately, you must hide this from the world so that you will be acceptable. The poet Robert Bly, in his book A Little Book on the Human Shadow, describes how we hide our unacceptable parts of ourselves into what he calls a “bag” we drag behind us all of our life. “Behind us we have an invisible bag, and the part of us our parents don’t like, we, to keep our parents’ love, put (these parts) in the bag. By the time we go to school our bag is quite large.” 59
Shadow Identity
This same issue of hiding what is unacceptable in your “bag” may occur again in midlife at ages forty-two to forty-six and again at seventy-two to seventy-six. What arises at these ages is the personal issue between your acceptable self-identity and what you try to hide so that you will be accepted. Swiss psychologist Carl Jung called the unacceptable self the “shadow.” 60 The Jungian shadow concept consists of the traits, tendencies, and potentials with which you have lost contact and repressed. The shadow contains both shame and worth. Shame is when you feel you are bad, but as you look deeper into these traits, there are wonderful powerful aspects of worth in your shadow, even when you do not feel worthy. You have tucked inside the shadow qualities of value, excellence, and importance that the constricted self has hidden. The constricted self has hidden these qualities of worth to stay alive. These qualities may be hidden, but on some level you know and feel that you are accepted, worthy, and have value. When these potentials are repressed, you isolate yourself through anxiety and the fear of being bad. Anxiety is the basic feeling of separation of the constricted self. If you face your anxiety rather than avoiding or pushing it away, you will realize that anxiety does not exist. When faced, anxiety fades gently away because it is experienced in your mind. It fades away just like the air element of this frequency. When you face the constricted self’s shadow traits, they dissolve as you embody your value and become more conscious, awake, and free.
Internal Dialogue
Another aspect of the constricted self is your internal dialogue. The brain frequencies related to the internal dialogue are higher alpha brain waves related to conscious states of stress, lack of connectedness with oneself, and mind/body disintegration. At this frequency, the struggle exists between finding connection and integration of your identity and the nature of the shadow within you. The constricted self’s identity still exists in the body somewhere in this region of the brain and continues to grow in its mental ability. As the thinking ability grows, so does the incessant internal dialogue. This internal conversation gives you an identity that there is someone in you and that someone in there is real. The conversation is full of inner likes and dislikes, past memories, future possibilities, and opinions. In talking to yourself, the constricted self is constructing and monitoring layers of things you like or don’t like about all of your different identities as woman, man, friend, teacher, parent, husband, wife, etc. The constricted self continually talks to itself in order to establish a sense of reality and assure itself of its existence.
The Struggle to Go Beyond the Constructed Identity
Now, once again, the constricted self continues to separate even more from the expanded self. It is amazing that most of us haven’t examined the actuality of the constricted self’s existence. If you did reflect on its existence, it could be so frightening that the fear of it might affect your survival.
You, like all of us, are strongly identified with our name, family, partners, history, job, and friends, etc., all of which we rely upon as our support system. However, there may come a point in your life when you feel empty or lost. This emptiness creates an urge to get away. If you listen to the urge and take a retreat, a rest, look inside, and reflect on your life, you may begin to wake up to your constricted identity. It is possible in the calm silence to gain insight on how incomplete, fragile, and illusory you are. In this silent reflection you may find that, within you, nobody exists. You may find that what you constructed as an identity is really just a compensation pattern to protect you from the early wounds of your life before you lost the connection and oneness to everything that was your state of being.
Unfortunately, these insights are quickly diverted by the chatter of the inner dialogue and the busyness of activities. You, like all of us, will move right on to the daily activities and barely miss a beat with the variety of identities we live within. If this continues in your early adulthood, you select many identities, but a main identity, such as parent, doctor, or gardener, becomes dominant. With that firm label, you have a stable personal identity and feel secure. This label is home for most of us. In midlife, the constricted self waves its magic wand and you look at what you have done in your life in terms of your talents and accomplishments and this confirms your identity once again. In later life it is looking back and trying to confirm meaning and purpose among the various identities that you have played out in the course of your life. The constricted self relies on these significant identity confirmations to stay alive.
Journey of Self-Identity Exercise
The development of the structure of the constricted self is quite a journey. You have just read and explored for yourself an incredible building project of the birthing and growing of your constricted self. First, you became aware of being separated at birth from the expanded self, then more separation by your emotions, then more separation by your mind, and finally you were separated by the development of your personal identities. The constricted self is very strong.
It is impossible for most of us even to consider looking at our inner self, let alone the possibility of dying. We are too frightened to confront our shadow, so it becomes what poet Robert Bly calls the black bag we all fill up and drag behind us throughout life. Anxiety turns you away from facing yourself. Our culture offers few models and little encouragement for tackling the constricted self. This challenge to face the constricted self is not widely supported. Thus, we maintain the illusion of separation because of fear that keeps us stuck where we are most familiar. So when death knocks on our door and we have to open it, we will probably defend ourselves by denying it. The strange reality is that we will probably be in shock that life is ending. Too many individuals facing this shock of dying go into isolation and depression. We resist and try to slam the door on death because our constricted self has built up a control process to isolate us and separate us from the truth of who we really are.
We live and die with air—the oxygen that gives life. The air element, which is your breath, is the connection to the touchstone of life’s energy. At the level of this alpha 2 brain frequency, the air sustains your physical body and all parts of your life. As you take your last breath, the air element remains when you die. The air element is free; it is in unconfined space surrounding Earth with a mixture of oxygen and nitrogen. In each breath of air, there is a connection to that expanded space, which is the opposite of the constricted self that is filled with anxiety. But the air is also the element for awakening. In the meditative breathing process, it is possible to shift awareness to awaken the expanded self and breathe and merge with reality.
The physical issues that emerge in the imbalance of this alpha 2 brain frequency relate to the respiratory system as an aching in the chest or upper back. Also there can be problems with the lungs. You may have difficulty breathing and dysfunction of the thymus gland, which is an important part of the immune system. Other possible negative conditions include bronchitis, heart disease, circulation problems, and pericardium issues in which inner arms and hands are affected. If these conditions emerge in your life, use them as an opportunity to let go to that deep breath of the loving spirit that is your true inner guide to the truth of yourself.
Take a moment to ask yourself how the Journey of Self-Identity has affected your life during the ages twelve to sixteen, forty-two to forty-six, and seventy-two to seventy-six. Reflect and write about them in your notebook.
• As an adolescent, do you remember being shy or affected by peer talk about you?
• Have you been able to move beyond those and other issues as you matured?
• How do you express your worth and your value today?
• List ten things you like about yourself.
Exercise: Brain Frequency Patterns
Observe what your energy patterns were, especially at the developmental ages when there is an imbalance in the alpha 2 brain-wave frequency (7.8–13 Hz). The following is a list of qualities that may reflect your imbalance. Circle the ones that you are currently experiencing. This will give you a sense of how active the constricted self is in your life.
Imbalanced Frequencies: Focusing on Self at the expense of others, seeking approval from others in order to receive love, being dependent on others, jealous, constant sufferer, being a pleaser to get love, antisocial and withdrawn, lonely, feeling isolated, and inability to share feelings.
Structured personality patterns become familiar to you over the years. Once they become established, they are routine and they belong to you. The more you put your attention on them the more that confirms they are real. If, for example, you feel that nobody loves you, you then look for signs of that and the experience of nobody loving you will be everywhere. We can perform all kinds of tricks to finesse the data of our experience to keep us in alignment with who we believe we are not.
Your constricted self has an idealized image of you in order to make you feel good about yourself. The ideal image, however, grows into a grandiose imagining that has no relationship to who you really are. This image is born out of a driven inner necessity to create identity. The Enneagram labels these ideas as “prides.” How does your ideal image fit for you? Reflect and write in your notebook.
Enneatype: Ideal Image
Type One: I am right, good.
Type Two: I am helpful.
Type Three: I am effective and successful.
Type Four: I am special, sensitive, and conform to elite standards.
Type Five: I am wise, perceptive.
Type Six: I am obedient, faithful, loyal; I do what I ought.
Type Seven: I am okay.
Type Eight: I am powerful; I can do.
Type Nine: I am settled.
Enneatype: Shadow Pattern
What shadows are you hiding that you do not want others to know about you? You might hide them so that they will not be challenged or experienced by others. Is that true for you?
Type One: Integrity and improvement
Type Two: Intimacy
Type Three: Acceptance and validation
Type Four: Identity
Type Five: Mastery
Type Six: Security and safety
Type Seven: Satisfaction and fulfillment
Type Eight: Physical survival and legacy
Type Nine: Harmony and stability
Enneatype: Behavior Identity
How does your behavior fit your personal self-image? Does there need to be a change? Write about situations in which your identity manifests outwardly.
Type One: I am responsible in my job to fix things and repress anger.
Type Two: I need to be needed and give to others what I feel they need.
Type Three: I seek affirmation as an achiever, unaware of my feelings or value.
Type Four: I search for love and to be loved, addicted to emotional ups and downs.
Type Five: I am private, self-sufficient, accumulate knowledge, and limit desires.
Type Six: I am fearful, questioning, and vigilant for security.
Type Seven: I desire to plan pleasurable activities, new ideas, and possibilities.
Type Eight: I blame others and proclaim myself blame free.
Type Nine: I forget myself, merge with others, and devalue my priorities.
Enneatype: Avoidance Patterns
What is it you do to stay constricted in the shadow of your personal identity?
Type One: Avoid slacking off and taking play time so as not to reveal flaws and faults.
Type Two: Don’t reveal your own needs and preference and don’t say no.
Type Three: Don’t notice your own feelings and wishes, avoid failure, and don’t say no.
Type Four: Avoid being superficial, ordinary, and boring.
Type Five: Don’t say anything you are not sure of and don’t express feelings, intimacy, or being exposed.
Type Six: Avoid being independent or too dependent.
Type Seven: Don’t get emotionally down or pinned down, avoid pain, suffering, and boredom.
Type Eight: Avoid weakness in yourself, being vulnerable, being nice, and being sucked in with kindness.
Type Nine: Avoid conflict, your own agenda, and don’t waste energy or get too enthused.
Journey of Self-Identity Meditations
Once again, use the Enneagram exercises on the previous pages to stimulate both your thinking and feelings about how your particular identity patterns developed throughout your life. Your reflection is in preparation for the following meditations. These guided meditations are a way you can continue to explore this unique process of using your identity structure to create constriction in your life.
Again, there is a set of questions before each of the three meditations. Read the questions first and reflect on them before doing the meditations. The purpose of the questions before the meditations is to stimulate your memories of a particular age the meditation focuses on. Write your results in your notebook after the meditation.
The following guided meditations examine patterns of the Journey of Self Identity in the constricted self’s development at ages twelve to sixteen, forty-two to forty-six, and seventy-two to seventy-six years. The patterns identify issues of worth, shame, and value. Your self-identity is built around these concepts. It is for you to discovery how these issues evolved in your life.
Exercise: Meditation Ages Twelve to Sixteen
Again, as with other exercises you’ve done before, please either pre-record this meditation in order to listen to it or have a partner or friend read and guide you through it. Where there is a (pause) indicated, give yourself time to experience the instructions at that point. (If you want to use the bonus video for this meditation go to Appendix D.)
Continue the practice to focus on several questions in order to help you clarify your identity pattern at a deeper, and perhaps a more unconscious, level. This reflection is in preparation for going deeper into the meditation. Write your results in your notebook after doing the meditations.
Questions on Ages Twelve to Sixteen
• How do you hide your shame?
• In what ways do you feel unworthy?
• How do you define your identity?
• What behaviors do you display and put on to get love?
• How much do you give to others of what you are wanting for yourself?
• What are you hiding in your shadow personality?
• What gives you value?
Let’s begin the meditation:
• Once again take several deep breaths and take them with a long inhale and exhale. Permit yourself to relax into a safe, comfortable place with your back straight but not rigid or lie on a bed or a mat. Bring to your awareness the color green filling the room you are in.
• Close your eyes and imagine a beautiful emerald jewel sitting on the top of your heart. As you see in your mind’s eye this emerald stone on your heart, notice the sounds in your environment. Take three deep breaths and feel your body relaxing. (pause)
• Recall the depth of relaxation in your last meditation. Let the body memory relax your body right now. Notice how you feel mentally, physically, and emotionally inside yourself as you relax.
• What does that state of relaxation feel like inside you?
• Remember your marker. It was either a symbol, an image, or a word. Use your marker to return to that deep state of relaxation. As you move deeper into your marker, feel the tensions of your body letting go. (pause)
• Now take three deep breaths. Slowly inhale and exhale.
• Allow thoughts, feelings, or outside disturbances to float through you without holding on to them.
• With your marker in mind, move down deeper inside yourself as though you were falling like a leaf through the air to the ground. Let yourself drift down and down and down within your body. (pause)
• As you move into that deeper state within you, feel yourself in a comfortable, safe place deep within your body.
• As in other meditations now move through your body to your belly, right to the center of your body below your belly button. This is your healing center. Let yourself drop deeply into the center of this healing circle. Feel yourself resting in the center and opening and sinking deep into this healing place. (pause)
• Resting in the center opening, sink deeply into your healing place.
• Imagine as you are in this healing place that you are sitting in a beautiful glass atrium. All around you are beautiful, colorful flowers. The sun is filtered through the taller emerald green foliage around you. The fragrances relax you deeply as you take easy, gentle inhales. Notice the beautiful blue sky above you through the glass. From somewhere there is a gentle breeze that caresses your body as you sit and look about you. (pause)
• In this beautiful and restful place you have no worries and no concerns, with a feeling of safety and rest.
• As you feel this deep, restful place in the atrium go back in time and remember your ages twelve to sixteen. (pause)
• I am now going to ask you a series of questions about this period in your life. Try to respond to them with the first thought that comes to mind. Also, note any feelings that arise.
• Now take three deep breaths and slowly inhale and exhale. (pause)
• At this period of time in your life are you flowing or struggling with life?
• In the time period of twelve years old to around sixteen years what was going on in your life?
• What kind of a person were you at this age?
• How did you value your self?
• Who supported your self-worth?
• Did you feel worthy?
• When did you feel you were not good enough?
• How did you hide negative feelings about yourself?
• Were you sensitive to how people treated you?
• What was your behavior, attitudes, and reactions like to others?
• Were you anxious about sex, school, or your future?
• What were your sexual concerns?
• Who were the ones you shared your personal feelings and thoughts with? Was that difficult, satisfying, or vulnerable for you?
• Continue to stay in the warmth of your heart connection as you come back to your breath and feel your heart beat.
• See yourself now back in the atrium. As you relax in the midst of the beautiful flowers and smells, reflect on what was important to you at this time of your life.
• Now allow yourself to come back to the healing circle right below your belly button, having the feelings of peace, ease, and present awareness.
• Place your attention on the sensation of moving gently upward until you reach your chest. Notice your breath slowly moving in and out. Follow your breath for just a few moments. Let yourself integrate what you learned from your twelve- to sixteen-year-old time period.
• Notice your hands in your lap. Notice how heavy and relaxed they are. Begin to wiggle or stretch your fingers and hands and move your body.
• With a big inhale and exhale of breath come back into the room.
• Please write in your journal what you learned and experienced.
Exercise: Meditation Ages Forty-Two to Forty-Six
Again, as with other exercises you’ve done before, please either pre-record this meditation in order to listen to it or have a partner or friend read and guide you through it. Where there is a (pause) indicated, give yourself time to experience the instructions at that point. (If you want to use the bonus video for this meditation go to Appendix D.)
Focus now on the following questions in order to help you clarify your identity pattern at a deeper level in the next guided meditation. This journey is to help you find how you created your shadow identity. Write your results in your notebook after doing the meditations.
Questions on Ages Forty-Two to Forty-Six
• How do you react to unpleasant situations?
• What gives you your worth?
• How do you respond when your identity has been stepped upon?
• What conditions do you have in order for you to receive love?
• What happens to you with others when you establish your boundaries?
• What are your fears about opening your heart?
Let’s begin the meditation:
• Once again take several deep breaths and take them with a long inhale and exhale. Permit yourself to relax into a safe, comfortable place with your back straight but not rigid or lie on a bed or a mat. Bring to your awareness the color green filling the room you are in.
• Close your eyes and imagine a green spotlight focused on your heart. The green light is soft and your heart seems to fill your entire body. As you see in your mind’s eye this green light shining on your heart, notice the sounds in your environment. Take three deep breaths and feel your body relaxing. (pause)
• Recall the depth of relaxation in your last meditation. Let the body memory relax your body right now. Notice how you feel mentally, physically, and emotionally inside yourself as you relax.
• What does that state of relaxation feel like inside you?
• Remember your marker. It was either a symbol, an image, or a word. Use your marker to return to that deep state of relaxation. As you move deeper into your marker, feel the tensions of your body letting go. (pause)
• Now take three deep breaths. Slowly inhale and exhale.
• Allow thoughts, feelings, or outside disturbances to float through you without holding on to them.
• With your marker in mind, move down deeper inside yourself as though you were falling like a leaf through the air to the ground. Let yourself drift down and down and down within your body. (pause)
• As you move into that deeper state within you, feel yourself in a comfortable, safe place deep within your body.
• As in other meditations now move through your body to your belly, right to the center of your body below your belly button. This is your healing center.
• Let yourself drop deeply into the center of this healing circle. Feel yourself resting in the center and opening and sinking deep into this healing place. (pause)
• Imagine as you are in this healing place that you are sitting in a beautiful field of tall, wavy green grass. The mid-morning sun warms you as you sit looking out toward some mountains. The fragrances of the field with wildflowers relaxes you deeply as you take easy, gentle inhales. Notice the beautiful blue sky above you as you see birds gliding through the sky. From somewhere there is a gentle breeze that caresses your body as you sit and look about you. (pause)
• In this beautiful and restful place you have no worries and no concerns, with a feeling of safety and rest.
• As you feel this deep, restful place in the atrium go back in time and remember yourself at ages forty-two to forty-six. (pause)
• I am now going to ask you a series of questions about this period in your life. Try to respond to them with the first thought that comes to mind. Note any feelings that arise as well.
• Now take three deep breaths and slowly inhale and exhale. (pause)
• What are you ashamed of in this period of your life? How do you hide it?
• About what do you feel unworthy?
• At this age, what roles define your identity?
• What do you do and how do you act to get love?
• How much do you give to others of what you are wanting for yourself?
• What are you hiding that you do not tell anyone?
• What are the things you do, think, or feel that give you value?
• Continue to stay in the warmth of your heart connection as you come back to your breath and feel your heart beat.
• See yourself now back sitting in the tall green grass on the hill. As you relax in the midst of the beautiful flowers and smells, reflect on what was important to you at this time of your life.
• Now allow yourself to come back to the healing circle right below your belly button, having the feelings of peace, ease, and present awareness.
• Place your attention on the sensation of moving gently upward until you reach your chest. Notice your breath slowly moving in and out. Follow your breath for just a few moments. Let yourself integrate what you learned from your forty-two- to forty-six-year-old time period.
• Notice your hands in your lap. Notice how heavy and relaxed they are. Begin to wiggle or stretch your fingers and hands and move your body.
• With a big inhale and exhale of breath, come back into the room.
• Please write in your journal what you learned and experienced.
Exercise: Meditation Ages Seventy-Two to Seventy-Six
Again, as with other exercises you’ve done before, please either pre-record this meditation in order to listen to it or have a partner or friend read and guide you through it. Where there is a (pause) indicated, give yourself time to experience the instructions at that point. (If you want to use the bonus video for this meditation go to Appendix D.)
Again, there are several questions below to help you clarify your identity pattern at a deeper, and perhaps a more conscious, level. This guided journey is to help you understand more clearly your shadow identity. Write your results in your notebook after doing the meditations.
Questions on Ages Seventy-Two to Seventy-Six
• How did you form your personal identity of yourself?
• Did you value yourself?
• Who supported your self-worth?
• Did you feel worthy?
• How did you hide your shame?
• What were your fears?
• What were your sexual concerns?
• Were there family and friends with whom you shared your heart?
Let’s begin the meditation:
• Once again take several deep breaths and take them with a long inhale and exhale. Permit yourself to relax into a safe, comfortable place with your back straight but not rigid or lie on a bed or a mat. Imagine the color green filling the walls of the room you are in.
• Close your eyes and imagine a young green plant resting on your heart. The green plant seems to arise from your heart, and the green of the plant seems to fill your entire body. As you see in your mind’s eye this green plant growing from your heart, notice the sounds in your environment. Take three deep breaths and feel your body relaxing. (pause)
• Recall the depth of relaxation in your last meditation. Let the body memory relax your body right now. Notice how you feel mentally, physically, and emotionally inside yourself as you relax.
• What does that state of relaxation feel like inside you?
• Remember your marker. It was either a symbol, an image, or a word. Use your marker to return to that deep state of relaxation. As you move deeper into your marker, feel the tensions of your body letting go. (pause)
• Now take three deep breaths. Slowly inhale and exhale.
• Allow thoughts, feelings, or outside disturbances to float through you without holding on to them.
• With your marker in mind, move down deeper inside yourself as though you were falling like a leaf through the air to the ground. Let yourself drift down and down and down within your body. (pause)
• As you move into that deeper state within you, feel yourself in a comfortable, safe place deep within your body.
• As in other meditations, now move through your body to your belly, right to the center of your body below your belly button. This is your healing center.
• Let yourself drop deeply into the center of this healing circle. Feel yourself resting in the center and opening and sinking deep into this healing place. (pause)
• Imagine as you are in this healing place that you are holding a beautiful green plant in your hands. The mid-morning sun warms you as you sit admiring the beauty of the plant. There is a fragrance from the plant and it relaxes you deeply as you take easy, gentle inhales. Notice the beautiful blue sky above you as you see birds gliding through the sky. From somewhere there is a gentle breeze that caresses your body as you sit with the plant resting in your hands. (pause)
• In this beautiful and restful place you have no worries and no concerns, with a feeling of safety and rest.
• As you feel this deep restful place, go back in time and remember your ages seventy-two to seventy-six. (pause)
• I am now going to ask you a series of questions about this period in your life. Try to respond to them with the first thought that comes to mind. Also, note any feelings that arise.
• Now take three deep breaths and slowly inhale and exhale. (pause)
• Let yourself go back to when you were seventy-two years old to around seventy-six years old.
• How do you react to unpleasant situations?
• What gives you your worth at this age?
• How do you respond when your identity as a person is not recognized?
• How do you receive love from others?
• What happens when you put up your boundaries with people and situations?
• What are your fears about opening your heart at this stage of your life?
• Continue to stay in the warmth of your heart connection as you come back to your breath and heartbeat as you integrate these memories of your past.
• See yourself now back sitting with the green plant in your hands. As you relax in the mid-morning sun and smell the delicate fragrance of the plant, reflect on what was important to you at this time of your life between ages seventy-two to seventy-six.
• Now, allow yourself to come back to the healing circle right below your belly button, having the feelings of peace, ease, and present awareness.
• Place your attention on the sensation of moving gently upward until you reach your chest. Notice your breath slowly moving in and out. Follow your breath for just a few moments. Let yourself integrate what you learned from your seventy-two- to seventy-six-year-old time period.
• Notice your hands in your lap. Notice how heavy and relaxed they are. Begin to wiggle or stretch your fingers and hands and move your body.
• With a big inhale and exhale of breath come back into the room.
• Please write in your journal what you learned and experienced.