Chapter 7

In the Beginning: Birth and Bris

In This Chapter

arrow Understanding the covenant of circumcision

arrow Celebrating the birth of a daughter

arrow Giving a baby a Hebrew name

arrow Redeeming the firstborn son

Nothing is more amazing than having a child — no other event is fraught with as much fear and joy and expectation and hope and shock. Maybe it’s genetically built in to our psyches to be blown away by a birth, even if it’s not our own child, so that we as a communal species rally together and help out, encourage, and celebrate this extraordinary time and event. Also, many Jews note that the first mitzvah (“commandment”) in the Bible is “Be fruitful and multiply,” and they feel that having children is literally a religious commandment and a spiritual event.

Accordingly, Judaism has a number of important rituals that surround the birth of a child. After a child is born, he or she is greeted by parents, family, and community, and is given a name. Often, a rabbi says special blessings for the child in synagogue, too. For boys, this process is combined with a short ceremony called a brit milah (many American Jews call it by its Ashkenazi pronunciation, “bris;” we use both interchangeably). We also discuss the girls’ ceremony in this chapter.

Some Jews have also revived an ancient Israeli tradition in which the parents plant a cedar sapling for each newborn boy and a cypress or pine sapling for each girl. By the time the child is married, the tree will be large enough to contribute a branch or two to the chuppah (see Chapter 9).

Making the Cut: Ritual Circumcision

Brit milah means “covenant of circumcision,” which describes exactly what happens to the baby boy during this ritual. Circumcision — where the foreskin is removed from the penis — is one of the oldest surgical procedures (it goes back to prehistoric times, though we’re at a loss to explain how historians know this), and has long been practiced by some African tribes, most Muslims, and, of course, Jews.

The Bible (Genesis 17:10) says that Abraham made a deal with God: Abraham’s wife, Sarah, will bear a child (Isaac), and their descendents will possess the Promised Land. In exchange, God wanted Abraham and every male child to be circumcised. Given that Abraham was 99 years old at the time, it’s impressive that he agreed to this deal. But agree he did, and ever since then Jewish parents have continued the covenant.

Traditional Jewish families tend to consider the brit milah as a joyous and positive event. Less traditional folks have a wide variety of responses to circumcision, and a few Jews have even considered not circumcising their sons. (We discuss some of these issues later in this section.) So, even though a non-circumcised Jew is officially still a Jew, most rabbis (and probably most other Jews) won’t recognize his Jewishness.

remember.eps It’s important to note that male circumcision is radically different than what some people call “female circumcision.” Jews only remove the foreskin of the penis, which has little or no long-term effects. People who perform female circumcision (which is illegal in most parts of the world) actually mutilate the vagina so that the woman can’t experience sexual pleasure; it’s really awful.

Some people assume that because the brit milah draws a little blood, it’s like a sacrifice. Fortunately, Judaism doesn’t allow for any sort of human sacrifice to God. The bris is a rite of passage, unconsciously for the child (who is obviously in no position to make a covenant), and deliberately by the parents of the child.

Part of the process of converting to Judaism includes (if you’re a man) being circumcised. If you’re already circumcised, you still have to go through a symbolic circumcision, in which a drop of blood is taken from the penis (called hatafat dam).

Knowing who’s involved

Although rabbis are almost always involved during major transitions (Bar/Bat Mitzvahs, weddings, and funerals, for example), it’s completely optional to have a rabbi at a bris, although many of those who traditionally perform circumcisions are specially trained rabbis. Jewish tradition says that if the father of the boy knows how to perform a circumcision, he is duty-bound to do it. However, very few fathers know how, so the task is handed to a proxy, called a mohel (in Yiddish it’s pronounced “moyl;” in Hebrew it’s pronounced “mo-hel”).

The mohel is usually a rabbi or a physician; in less traditional settings, the mohel may even be a woman. In fact, because most mohels are specially trained, they have significantly more experience and skill performing circumcisions than do regular doctors. The mohel generally conducts the entire ceremony, though if a family rabbi is present, he or she may help, too.

tip.eps Choose a mohel whom you trust and feel completely comfortable with; ask your friends for personal recommendations, and interview more than one mohel if you have several to choose from.

The sandek (godparent) is the most honored participant at the brit milah, and is traditionally the grandfather or great-grandfather (though it could be a grandmother or someone else). The sandek holds the child throughout the ritual — usually with the boy on a pillow or a special brit milah tray during the short circumcision procedure.

remember.eps Although we use the translation “godparent” for the word sandek, Judaism doesn’t really have a tradition of godparents the way Christianity does. If the child becomes an orphan, it’s incumbent on the whole Jewish community, not just the godparents, to take care of him or her.

Adhering to the rituals and ceremonies

A brit milah is normally scheduled for the eighth day after a boy is born, even if that day falls on Shabbat (see Chapter 18) or some other holiday, which means that if a child is born on a Wednesday, the bris falls on the following Wednesday. However, if the baby is born on a Wednesday night, then the bris would occur on the following Thursday morning because Jewish days begin at sundown, and the bris is traditionally performed during the day. (Note that the Talmud (see Chapter 3) states if the baby’s health is in question, then the bris must be postponed.)

A number of different reasons exist for waiting a week before the ceremony. Some rabbis teach that every baby must experience all seven days of creation before the bris. Others say the baby should first know the sweetness of the Shabbat. Still others point to medical research, which seems to indicate that this is the optimal time to perform the bris.

Other than a few standard ritual words and items, the ceremony of a brit milah allows for a lot of flexibility. Either way, the actual circumcision only lasts a few minutes (one mohel we know of insists he takes less than 60 seconds). Typically, candles are lit, the child is brought into the room (often handed from one family member to another), and handed to the sandek, whose chair is usually designated as “Elijah’s chair.” Tradition has it that the prophet Elijah will announce the next messiah, and Elijah is also seen as the “angel of the covenant” and protector of the child.

After the mohel recites some blessings, he or she performs the circumcision, during which one or two drops of blood must be drawn. The foreskin is saved and normally buried after the ceremony. If a tree has been planted to honor the birth, as described at the beginning of this chapter, the foreskin is buried beneath that tree. Then, the baby is officially named and blessed. Traditionally the mohel recites, “Just as this child has been brought into the Covenant, so may he be brought to a life of Torah, to a marriage worthy of blessing, and to a life filled with good deeds,” and says a blessing over wine. After this blessing, the parents drink, and some wine is given to the baby on a piece of cloth.

Finally, the child is returned to his parent to rest, and it’s time for the seudat mitzvah, the ritual celebratory meal.

tip.eps The whole ceremony (not including the meal) is often no more than ten minutes long. Although any additions should be kept brief to ensure the comfort of the baby, here are a few ideas that you may consider when planning a bris:

check.png You might read a poem or other short piece before the circumcision.

check.png Sephardic communities often use incense during the ceremony.

check.png Some people like a rabbi to give a short teaching during the ceremony.

check.png Ask each person present to offer a personal blessing for the baby. Even better, have people write their blessings down or ask them to record them on an audio or video recorder, perhaps during the meal.

tip.eps Easing the pain on bris day

Keeping the baby comfortable during the ceremony can make the experience much more pleasant for everyone. While some parents prefer to perform the bris in a hospital or at a synagogue, the baby (and parents) will almost certainly feel more comfortable at home. Keep the number of attendees at the bris to a minimum and invite more people to the reception afterward. In our experience, much of the baby’s discomfort comes from having a lot of nervous people standing around him.

Traditionally, the boy is given some gauze soaked with wine to suck on before and during the procedure. This eases the pain and helps him sleep. Medical research does, in fact, suggest that the sugar in a really sweet wine (like Manichevitz red wine) does appear to help. However, some mohels also prescribe some baby Tylenol before and after the bris, too. Less-traditional mohels also use some sort of mild anesthetic, either an injected local anesthetic or a topical cream.

Making the choice

Most Jews never question whether to perform a circumcision — it’s simply part of being Jewish. In fact, for an increasing number of Jews, it’s one of the most spiritual and joyful community events. However, for some Jews (like David) who have not been brought up connected to their tradition, circumcision becomes a question rather than a certainty. Here are a few ideas to think about when considering circumcision:

check.png In the 1960s, about 98 percent of all boys born in the United States were circumcised because of research that said circumcised boys have fewer medical problems, such as a slightly lower rate of urinary tract infections and a lower chance of contracting sexually transmitted diseases. However, many of these health risks can be avoided by careful daily cleaning, and by 2009, fewer than 40 percent of all boys were being circumcised (though almost all Jews still were).

check.png In 2007, the World Health Organization endorsed circumcision of boys, calling it, “an important intervention to reduce the risk of heterosexually acquired H.I.V.” Researchers also have strong evidence to suggest that circumcision protects against penile cancer and sexually transmitted diseases, and helps reduce the risk of cervical cancer for female partners.

check.png Complications from this procedure are extremely rare and, when they happen, are usually mild.

check.png Any pain the boy experiences almost certainly goes away relatively quickly. The child may cry at this event, but it appears that much of this unhappiness comes from being restrained and being surrounded by a bunch of nervous relatives.

check.png No parents want their child to suffer, but honestly, there is no way to raise a child without pain — you wouldn’t avoid your child getting an injection just because it is going to hurt. You can argue that the baby has no choice in the matter of being circumcised, but sometimes babies don’t get choices — parents must choose the right course for their children, not necessarily the least painful one. We make all kinds of decisions for our children when they are young that they probably wouldn’t choose for themselves.

check.png tip.eps If you’re considering not having your boy circumcised, think about this: Suppose that your son happens to grow up to really identify as being Jewish and happens to fall in love with a Jewish woman. Very few rabbis will perform a Bar Mitzvah or a Jewish wedding unless the male is circumcised. We can guarantee you that your son will wish you gave him five minutes of pain as an infant instead of 5 or 10 days of major pain later in life.

remember.eps Some rabbis teach that the bris is a symbol of taking control over our animal nature — an obvious reminder that men can control sexual urges and lustful appetites. But ultimately, it’s important to remember that the brit milah connects a boy to hundreds of generations of men before him, each of whom had a bris on the eighth day of his life.

Thanking God for Little Girls

Although blessings are often said welcoming both girls and boys in the synagogue, the lack of a more intimate celebration and naming ceremony for girls has historically meant that the birth of a girl has appeared less notable. The Reform movement (see Chapter 1) introduced a home naming ceremony for girls, too, and more recently this ceremony has become common practice in Conservative and even some Orthodox communities.

The naming ceremony for girls has a number of different names, including brit bat (covenant for a daughter), simchat bat (joy of the daughter), and brit Sarah (covenant of Sarah). The Sephardic tradition has also long had a custom of seder zeved habat (celebration for the gift of a daughter).

The brit bat — often presided over by a rabbi — can be performed at home or in a synagogue, whichever is more comfortable for the parents and baby. Some folks like doing it eight days after the birth (like the brit milah) and others wait for the Shabbat Havdalah ceremony (see Chapter 18) to symbolize the separation of the child from the mother’s body. On the other hand, some parents wait until when the mother is fully recovered and when out-of-town family members can arrive, perhaps even as late as 30 days after the birth.

The ceremony can include the child being passed from one family member to another, blessings over wine and the baby girl, the naming, and often a symbolic ritual that takes the place of the circumcision. For example, the parents may wash the baby’s hands and feet, or immerse her body (not head) in water.

Playing the Name Game

Judaism has several traditions surrounding the naming of a baby. The Ashkenazi tradition is to name the child after a relative who has died. The Sephardic tradition says to name the child after a living relative. Both traditions suggest that the child should be named after someone you respect and admire, a model for your child to follow (though both traditions rule that a child shouldn’t have the same name as his or her parent). Perhaps more importantly, the name should bring up joyful memories and feelings, so you wouldn’t name a child after your Uncle Shlomo, who embezzled from the family business.

anecdote_nlp.eps David’s parents just liked the name David, but they gave him his grandfather’s name (Avram) as a middle name. Ted was named for Theodore Herzl (the “founding father of Israel”), and his middle name, Gary, was in memory of his great grandmother, Gittel, who had recently died.

Note that Jews outside of Israel usually have two given names: one in Hebrew and one in the language of their birthplace. The latter name usually appears on the child’s birth certificate, but the Hebrew name is what he or she would be called in religious circles and functions. The Hebrew name is almost always either Biblical in origin (out of 2,800 personal names in the Bible, fewer than 140 are actually used today) or a Hebrew word such as Tovah (“goodness”) or Baruch (“blessed”). In Israel, of course, people just go by their Hebrew names, such as Yoram, Avital, Tamar, and Asher.

While the correlation between someone’s common name and Hebrew name is occasionally obvious (like Gabriel and Gavriel), more often you have to really stretch to see the connection. Generally, people choose a Hebrew name and common name that are associated using one of the following criteria:

check.png The common name is a derivative of the Hebrew name. For example, Sam comes from Samuel, which comes from Shmuel, a famous biblical character.

check.png The names share the same meaning. Helen comes from the Greek word meaning “light,” so you may use the Hebrew name “Orah,” which also means “light.”

check.png The names sound alike. The name Lauren comes from the Latin word for the laurel (a symbol of victory). So Lauren may have the Hebrew name Dafna, which also means “laurel,” or she may be called Leah simply because they share the “L” sound. Similarly, a boy may be called Max by his schoolmates and Moshe on his Jewish name certificate.

check.png The names have no connection at all. For example, the parents, wanting to honor the child’s great-grandfather Mayer, give their son this Hebrew name. However, perhaps they can’t think of any good corresponding English name (we can’t either), so the birth certificate reads “Lawrence.” Later in life, when people ask him about the connection between Lawrence and Mayer, he’ll get good at making up answers on the fly.

Table 6-1 lists examples of other common Hebrew/English name combinations. Note that Jewish names typically include the name of the child’s father, and sometimes both the father and mother. For example, “Shaul ben Noach” (“Saul, son of Noah”) or “Orah bat Adam v’Yehudit” (“Orah, daughter of Adam and Judith”).

Table 6-1 Hebrew and English Names

English name

Hebrew name

Translation

Brett

Baruch

Blessed

Caroline

Kinneret

Harp/Strong

David

Dah-vid

Beloved

Daniel

Dan

Judge

Deborah

Dvorah

A bee or to speak kind words

Esther

Hadassah

Myrtle

Gabriel

Gavriel

God is my Strength

Justin

Yitzchak

Laughter

Max

Moshe

Drawn out

Michael

Mi-cha-el

One Who is like God

Paul

Pinchas

Dark complexion

Ruth

Rut

Friend

Susan

Shoshanna

Rose or Lily

Theodore

Tovya

Good Lord

Traditional Jews don’t use a child’s name until he or she has been formally announced to the community. For boys, this happens on the eighth day, during the brit milah, when the mohel, rabbi, or father says, “and let him be known in the house of Israel as (his Hebrew name).” Girls are announced at synagogue or in a more private ritual by saying, “and let her be known in the house of Israel as (her Hebrew name).” Most English-speaking parents outside of Israel also announce and explain their child’s English name.

We find it very moving when parents take the time to explain why they chose a particular name, especially if they named the child after a deceased family member. You can explain your child’s name during the bris or naming ceremony, or even at the festive meal after the ceremony.

tip.eps A first-timers’ guide to attending a bris

To be invited to a brit milah (a “bris”) is an honor, though the event is almost always fraught with tension from the moment people arrive until the actual circumcision is complete. Fortunately, the trauma is usually milder than people expect, and the release makes the subsequent celebration all the more joyful. Whether the ceremony is for a boy or girl (a girl’s ceremony, the brit bat, doesn’t include the circumcision, of course), be sure to arrive on time, and you may want to bring a small baby gift for the parents, although it’s usually not required. If the event is held at the parents’ home, offer to bring some food for the meal that follows the ritual.

Buying Back the First Born

The biblical Book of Numbers (8:17) says “For all the firstborn of the people of Israel are mine, both man and beast,” indicating that God has a special relationship with the firstborn. This verse may have been the origin of the ancient Jewish tradition that each family’s firstborn son was dedicated to the Temple to work with the priests. However, before you ship your kid off to live at a synagogue, note that Judaism instituted a convenient loophole: You can buy the child back.

Thus, traditional Jews practice the ritual of Pidyon Haben (“the redemption of the son”) on the thirtieth day after birth. This is a very brief ceremony in which the father “buys” his son back by symbolically or actually giving money to a Kohein (a descendent of the priestly class). Nontraditional Jews might instead make a special donation to charity to honor this tradition.