Chapter 9
Get Me to the Chuppah On Time: Weddings
In This Chapter
Looking back on the origins of Jewish weddings
Discovering the chuppah, the ring, and the ketubah
Honoring divorce, Jewish style
In Judaism, weddings are profoundly holy acts, as important as living and dying. In fact, the marriage ceremony is so sacred that it’s called kiddushin (“sanctification”), and the Zohar (see Chapter 5) teaches that marriages are God’s way of continuing to create worlds.
Judaism is full of wedding imagery: Each Friday night, Shabbat is welcomed in as a beautiful bride (see Chapter 18), and the relationship between God and the Jewish people has long been described as that of lovers consummating their pledge to each other. In every wedding, the bridegroom and bride play the roles of Adam and Eve in the genesis of a new family.
Looking at the Origins of Jewish Marriage
Marriage may be holy, but it’s also a legal institution, and Jewish law details the rules and regulations for a wedding. For example, over 3 millennia ago Jews laid down the law regarding who men couldn’t marry, including a mother, grandmother, granddaughter, sister, half-sister, aunt, niece, mother-in-law, step mother, daughter-in-law, and any married woman not granted a religious divorce (more on that later in this chapter).
Unlike many traditional cultures that treat women as property that gets transferred from father to husband, Jewish law is very clear that men and women have full and equal rights when choosing a spouse. Even in marriages arranged by a shadchan (“matchmaker”) — a practice that was the norm for centuries and is common in Ultra-Orthodox communities — the bride-to-be had the right to veto a prospective groom. Similarly, in a Jewish wedding today, the bride and groom aren’t married by an officiant. Instead, they marry each other, with the help of a rabbi or cantor (note the subtle but important difference).
Traditionally, a couple could get married in one of three ways:
A man could give a woman some item of value and recite a vow of marriage before two male witnesses who weren’t relatives or interested parties.
A man and woman could sign a wedding document (ketubah) with two disinterested legal witnesses.
Two witnesses could see a man and woman go into a private room with the intention to consummate their marriage through the sexual act. The witnesses didn’t have to see them have sex, of course.
Over time, all three methods coalesced into the modern wedding. In addition, customs grew around these core rituals, especially as Jews picked up other cultures’ conventions in the countries in which they settled. Today, while some people would like to insist that there is one Jewish way to get married, there are actually many. Nonetheless, most Jewish weddings include a few particular symbols and rituals, which we take a look at later in this chapter.
Preparing for the Ceremony
The week before a wedding is always filled with last-minute preparations, but here are several additional customs many Jews include at that time (note that these are all customs, not laws; we believe people should do what feels most meaningful for them):
At the Shabbat service before the wedding (or, in the Sephardic tradition, after the wedding), the groom (and the bride, too, in more liberal congregations) is called up to the Torah, blessed, and then pelted with nuts or candy by everyone in attendance (called an aufruf, from the German meaning “calling up”). The ritual can be compared to wishing the couple a “sweet” and delightful future together, although sometimes the candy throwing gets a little too energetic for our comfort.
Women (and some men) traditionally visit a mikvah (ritual bath; see Chapter 4) the day before the wedding. A mikveh can be almost any fresh body of water, such as a lake or a river. David decided on an informal 6 a.m. mikveh in the waters of the Puget Sound surrounded by friends — perhaps colder than necessary, though he insists it was a great experience.
Some traditionalists insist that the bride and groom shouldn’t see each other the entire week before the wedding (or at least the day of). This is one of the first conventions that more liberal-minded Jews throw out.
Picking a date for the wedding isn’t entirely without complication, either. (Or, as one wit quipped: It’s really a bad idea to bring a date to your wedding.) An old Jewish custom called ein m’arvin simcha b’simcha states that you shouldn’t mix a simcha (“happiness” or “joyful event”) with another simcha. This prohibition means a Shabbat wedding is out, as well as a wedding on pretty much any other Jewish holiday. Of course, you also don’t want to have a wedding on a day of fasting or mourning (though the catering bills would be lower), and traditional Jews also time the wedding so that it won’t fall during a woman’s menstrual cycle (otherwise the couple couldn’t consummate the marriage on their wedding night; see Chapter 4).
Enjoying the Wedding
When the chosen day comes, the parents of both the kallah (“bride”) and khatan (or khos’n, meaning “bridegroom”) typically walk their child down the aisle. (In Jewish weddings, the bride stands on the right side of the groom.) In a very traditional setting, the khatan wears a white robe called a kittel, which he wears only at his wedding, Pesach Seders (see Chapter 25), Yom Kippur services (see Chapter 20), and his own funeral (see Chapter 10).
The relationship between the parents of the groom and the parents of the bride is considered so important there’s a Yiddish word to describe it: makhatunim — as in “My son-in-law’s parents are my makhatunim.”
Most Jewish weddings continue with eight basic symbols and rituals: the bedeken (the veiling before the ceremony), the marriage canopy (or chuppah), the wine, the rings, the seven blessings, the breaking of a glass, the marriage contract (ketubah), and the yichud (when the newly-married couple spends a few minutes alone after the ceremony).
Raising the chuppah
Although many people like the idea of being married in a “House of God,” Jewish teachers have long insisted that God can be found in any house and, in fact, anywhere at all. The trick isn’t looking for a holy place to get married, but rather to create a holy space. Perhaps this is one reason that Jewish weddings are performed under a chuppah, a canopy held over the heads of the bride and groom. The chuppah can be anywhere. In fact, an old Ashkenazi custom holds that you should perform the wedding outside if possible.
The chuppah — a symbol of the new home being created, and, some say, a symbol of the tents used by the ancient Hebrews — can be as simple or as elaborate as you’d like. Many people use a swath of cloth (often a tallit, or prayer shawl), held aloft with four poles by friends of the couple (it makes things easier if the poles reach to the ground). Others decorate the chuppah with flowers or embroidery, or use a self-standing awning.
One relatively recent custom is to have someone coordinate the construction of the chuppah from squares of material given out to some friends of the couple. After those friends add their own decorations, words, drawings, and colors to the squares, they are then made into a quilt. Following the ceremony, the quilt can become a wall hanging in the couple’s home to remind them of their wedding ceremony and the loving support of their community.
One of the stranger traditions at a Jewish wedding (in our humble opinion) is the bride circling the groom either three or seven times (seven is more traditional) as soon as they’re under the chuppah. (As we said, it’s a custom, not a law, so the practice varies). This tradition may be a holdover from earlier, more superstitious times, when people believed that circling would create a magic shield against evil spirits. Or perhaps it was simply a symbol of binding the two people together. Today, many Jews think it makes the woman look subservient to the man, so they leave the practice out entirely. Others have the groom do it, too, or have the bride and groom circle each other.
Drinking the fruit of the vine
Almost every Jewish celebration includes a blessing with wine. Until the 11th century, Jewish weddings were held as two events — the erusin (“betrothal”), also called kiddushin (“sanctification”), and the nissuin (“taking,” or “nuptials”) — often celebrated as much as a year apart. Today, the two events have become one, together called kiddushin, but traditional Jewish weddings still include blessing and drinking twice from one or two cups of wine under the chuppah.
We suggest that people choose a special cup for drinking wine, one from which both bride and bridegroom drink (one after the other, of course). Later, the couple can keep this cup in a special place in their home and use it on Shabbat and at special family celebrations.
Exchanging the rings
Everywhere Jews lived, they picked up cultural customs and wove them into the fabric of their lives. Nowhere is this more evident than in weddings. For example, a traditional Jewish wedding has no vows, such as “to have and to hold . . . for better or for worse . . . ” and so on. Rather, historically, the groom simply gave the bride some token of marriage (usually a ring), and repeated the following statement:
Ha-rei aht mekudeshet li, be-tahba’at zoh, k’dat Mosheh v’Yisrael.
“With this ring, you are consecrated to me, [as my wife,] according to the tradition of Moses and Israel.”
Today, however, many Jews include vows, promises, and a host of other statements along with the ring-giving ceremony. In more liberal Jewish weddings, the bride also gives the groom a ring, along with a statement of consecration.
The ring itself has changed over time, too. Traditional Jews stick with the custom that a wedding ring should be a simple, smooth round band, without stones or carving, perhaps as a reminder that all Jews are equal, no matter their wealth or status. The ring also symbolizes a smooth and happy wedded life, and, of course, the circle is a symbol of perfection and the unbroken circle of the relationship. However, the hands of Jews today display a wide variety of ring styles. We think it’s the thought that counts.
Sharing the seven blessings
Special blessings, called the sheva b’rakhot (“seven blessings”), mark the moment of a Jewish marriage. The blessings begin by affirming that God’s Presence is reflected in everything that exists, and that God is the creator of human beings; they continue with a declaration that the whole community celebrates this union. The final blessing, which we quote here, concludes by pointing out that this Divine Presence is celebrated in the commitment of love:
Intrafaith and interfaith marriages
When it comes to the topic of Jews marrying non-Jews, some might cluck their tongues sadly, and others rant about how interfaith marriages will be the end of Judaism. Even today, some Orthodox Jewish families mourn the loss of their child when he or she marries a non-Jew, as though the child has died.
In the past 50 years, the percentage of American Jews who intermarry has skyrocketed from under 10 percent to about 50 percent. However, in many of these cases, the non-Jewish partner either converts to Judaism or the couple raises their children with at least some Jewish education.
All rabbinical groups discourage interfaith marriages, and many rabbis (even Reform rabbis) will not perform interfaith marriages. Even fewer will perform co-officiated weddings with other clergy.
Most rabbis — as well as the greater percentage of affiliated Jewish communities — worry that marriages outside the faith will diminish the Jewish community. On the other hand, those rabbis (including Ted) who participate in interfaith ceremonies feel that the couple is going to get married anyway, and without rabbinic participation, the likelihood that they'll leave Judaism is higher. Perhaps it's better to give the couple a positive Jewish experience as they approach their marriage rather than turn them away. We include several resources for interfaith couples on our website at www.joyofjewish.com.
Blessed are You, Eternal One Our God, Universal Ruling Presence [literally: King of the Universe], who created joy and gladness, bridegroom and bride, mirth, song, delight and rejoicing, love and harmony, peace and friendship. Soon may there be heard in the cities of Judah and in the streets of Jerusalem, the voice of joy and gladness, the voice of the bridegroom and the voice of the bride, the sound of rejoicing from bridegrooms at their weddings, and young people at their feasts of song. Blessed are you, Eternal One, who makes the bridegroom rejoice with the bride.
The rabbi or cantor usually read or chant the sheva b’rakhot, though some people like to split the blessings up among friends and family for them to recite. Also, it’s a long-standing tradition that a minyan (see Chapter 4) of the couple’s friends hold dinner parties for the couple every night for a week after the wedding, reciting the sheva b’rakhot each night, which is why these parties are often called sheva b’rakhot parties.
Breaking the glass
Probably the most well-known Jewish ritual is the custom of stomping on a glass at the conclusion of a Jewish wedding. In case you’re wondering, it’s not the same cup from which the couple drinks at the wedding).
You can interpret this ritual in many ways. Traditionalists say that the shattered glass refers to the destruction of the Temple in Jerusalem. We believe that breaking the glass is a reminder that even at a time of great joy, shattering and loss, too, are important parts of human experience. Perhaps that which is shattered represents old structures or limitations that must be released in order to create space for new possibilities. Some people say the noise is supposed to drive away evil spirits, or even that the act represents the intensity and release of sexual union. Of course, as comic David Bader points out, it may simply be a reminder that the couple has registered for new wine glasses.
Whatever the case, as soon as the glass is broken, everyone in attendance joyously shouts “Mazel tov!” (see Appendix A), and the wedding ends in raucous singing and celebrating.
While most folks use an empty wine glass, some people use a light bulb. The important thing is to wrap the object up in cloth (a napkin is usually not big enough) so that no one gets hurt. David and Ted still have the wrapped-up remnants of the glass used at their weddings as special mementos.
Putting it in writing
Judaism has a long history of ensuring the rights of women. Case in point: the ketubah, or marriage contract between bride and groom. The terms of the ketubah (the plural is ketubot) are negotiated long before the wedding — much like today’s prenuptial agreements. The agreement is signed with witnesses just before the ceremony, and then it’s usually read aloud during the ritual. The earliest known ketubah is over 2,000 years old, and its wording and contents are virtually identical to that of a modern-day traditional Orthodox ketubah (which is in Aramaic, the language Jews spoke around the beginning of the first millennium).
While in recent years more liberal Jews have taken to writing their own ketubot – usually focusing more on the spiritual and interpersonal aspects of their relationship — the traditional ketubah long used by Orthodox Jews is clearly an unromantic legal document that spells out the financial obligations of each partner. It doesn’t even once mention God! And there’s no doubt that it’s designed to protect the rights of the woman.
For example, the ketubah provides for a lump sum to be paid to the woman in case of death or divorce (typically enough to live for a year, plus the value of any property she brought to the marriage), and it ensures that the man will support her through the life of their marriage. It even notes that a man must provide for his wife sexually. In the days when polygamy was allowed, perhaps this provision protected older or less-desirable women from being neglected.
About 1,000 years ago, people began to commission illustrated ketubot. The art almost died out, but since the 1960s more couples have started using illuminated ketubot, and today you can buy a relatively inexpensive print of a beautiful ketubah from any Judaica shop. (We have links to these resources on our website at www.joyofjewish.com.) Similarly, you can have one custom-made for you.
Better yet, the Ba’al Shem Tov (see Chapter 28) taught that whenever a couple gets into a bad argument, they should read their ketubah out loud to each other. We all need reminders sooner or later.
Enjoying sacred moments, before and after
So many things happen on the day of a wedding — including coordinating the flowers, the food, and the music, not to mention the family — that it’s easy to get distracted and end up with only a photograph or video of a ceremony from which you were mentally absent. The struggle, then, is to find sacred moments to refocus and remember what the wedding is really about.
Jewish custom offers several special moments during a wedding that we find intriguing and useful. For example, just before the ceremony, the kallah and chatan (bride and groom) meet face-to-face in a short ceremony called a bedeken (“covering”), in which the couple has a moment together to affirm their intentions just before entering the ceremony. Originally, this was when the groom made sure he was marrying the right woman before he pulled down her veil, which hid her face from view.
Similarly, Jewish couples traditionally retreat for a few minutes alone in a quiet room immediately after the wedding, a period called a yichud. Because the bride and groom customarily fast on their wedding day, the yichud is time for them to share their first meal together (perhaps a snack of fruit and cheese) while they mull over what they’ve just done. In the old days, this was the time when the marriage was consummated, though fortunately couples no longer have to perform under that kind of pressure.
Finally, the celebration after the wedding is a good time to schmooze with relatives, eat, drink, and dance until your kishkes (see Appendix A) hurt. However, Jewish sages have long taught that this is really a holy and sacred party, and that everyone in attendance must help make the day joyous for the bride and groom. That explains why the newly married bride and groom are so often hoisted up in chairs and danced around like royalty by their friends and family, each holding one end of a handkerchief.
Attending a Jewish wedding
The majority of Jewish weddings these days aren’t that much different from their Christian counterparts. Besides the obvious differences — like the blessings in Hebrew and breaking a glass at the end of the ceremony — most Jewish weddings take on the flavor of the surrounding dominant culture. Nevertheless, here are just a few things to think about when attending a Jewish wedding:
At the end of the ceremony (which is usually just after the groom stomps on the glass), yell “Mazel tov!” This really means “good luck,” (see Appendix A) but is used in place of “Congratulations” or “Hooray!”
Expect to dance, especially group dances such as the hora, in which everyone holds hands and dances in a long line or a large circle — often around the bride and groom, who are held aloft in chairs. Don’t worry if you don’t know the steps; you can pick it up quickly enough.
At more Orthodox weddings, the men and women sit separately during the ceremony and then celebrate separately afterward. Also, you may want to wait until after prayers are said before digging in to the food at the reception.
A word of warning: If the wedding is very traditional, men and women aren’t allowed to touch unless they’re closely related. When being introduced to a traditional rabbi (if you are a woman) or to his wife (if you are a man), be prepared not to shake hands. The custom is a matter of modesty and propriety and not something to be taken as an insult.
Getting a Get: Divorce
Divorce has become so commonplace that people joke that officiants should ask at weddings, “Do you take this man to be your first husband?” Of course, divorce is nothing new. Over 2,000 years ago the prevailing laws in most places let men divorce their wives simply by expelling them from the house. Judaism made it harder — not much harder, but hard enough to send a message: Try to stay together if possible, but if the relationship becomes deeply painful and destructive, then it’s better to divorce.
The Bible states that a divorce is accomplished when a husband gives a document called a get to his wife. The get is a complex legal document written by a rabbi, and it acts as a religious divorce, apart from any civil divorce the couple might pursue. (Of course, when the get was established, religious and civil law were both the province of the Jewish community.)
To a traditional Jew, a religious divorce is as important — if not more important — than a divorce granted by the state, because a Conservative or Orthodox rabbi will not remarry someone who has not given or received a get.
Compared to many modern-day laws on divorce, Jewish law makes it relatively easy to begin divorce proceedings. You don’t have to prove how bad the marriage is. In fact, you need no more compelling reason than “she or he spoiled my dinner.” While this may seem frivolous, it helps a couple focus not on what is wrong, but hopefully on what is right, and perhaps save the marriage. Preparing the divorce document and bringing together a rabbinic committee to oversee the ritual is complicated and time-consuming, perhaps providing time for the couple to reconsider their decision.
Walking through a divorce
If the couple can’t be reconciled, and both parties agree, the divorce ritual is relatively simple: The get is prepared in the presence of a bet din, a three-person rabbinic court, and then given to the man. He hands his wife the get, she places it under her arm (a symbol of receiving it), and then the document is cut or ripped so that it can never be used again. Each person keeps a hand-written copy of the get, and the woman must wait 90 days until she can marry again (just in case she doesn’t realize she’s pregnant at the time of the divorce). The bet din also ensures that the man fulfills his financial obligations under the terms of their ketubah (see Putting it in writing earlier in this chapter).
Of course, Orthodox rabbis only recognize a get from an Orthodox bet din. On the other hand, Reform rabbis take the position that all you need is a civil divorce. However, in recent years, non-Orthodox rabbis, often with help from the couple, have created ceremonies of separation that attempt to address the spiritual issues in a divorce and to encourage a deeper understanding that can enhance the chances for better relationships for each partner in the future. For example, this ceremony can include the release of the wedding symbols, including the ring, the wine goblet, the ketubah, and so on.
Encountering rare troubles
If both parties agree on the divorce, the procedure is pretty smooth. However, if a woman wants a divorce and her husband either won’t grant it or can’t grant it (because he’s not present), the woman becomes what’s known as an agunah (“an anchored woman”), and can’t remarry.
You can find terrible stories about unethical or spiteful men who extorted thousands of dollars from their wives in exchange for a get, or, perhaps worse, men who simply won’t agree to a get on any terms, even after years of bitter separation. The bet din has the authority to compel the husband to divorce his wife, especially in cases of abuse or neglect, but there are few ways to enforce this, and so unfortunately too many traditional Jewish women still suffer.
If the husband can’t be found — for example, if he died but his body wasn’t found, and there were no witnesses to his death — the traditional divorce can’t take place, and the wife becomes an agunah. Conservative Jews typically include a provision in their ketubot saying that the bet din can be called by either the man or the woman, and a divorce can be granted if either partner is absent and presumed dead.
Same-sex ceremonies
Judaism can recognize marriages that the legal system doesn’t. So, while Orthodox and some Conservative rabbis tend to consider same-sex marriages contrary to Jewish law, an increasing number of Reform, Reconstructionist, and Renewal rabbis now officiate at same-sex unions (some call these commitment ceremonies rather than marriages).
The Reconstructionist movement formally welcomed gays and lesbians in 1985, and in 1992 the movement published a paper stating that “Lesbians and gay men should be welcomed to full participation in every aspect of Jewish community life as individuals, couples, and families.” The Reform movement passed a resolution in 2000 permitting same-sex unions, but they also stated that rabbis had the choice whether or not to perform such ceremonies.
As legal systems are more actively debating the validity of same-sex marriages, individuals belonging to liberal religious groups are increasingly supportive of sanctifying loving and committed relationships among their children, friends, parents, or siblings who are gay and want a life-long, monogamous relationship.