Chapter 10

Stepping Through the Valley: The Shadow of Death

In This Chapter

arrow Preparing for death with an ethical will

arrow Understanding the importance of the local Jewish burial society

arrow Knowing the do’s and don’ts for attending a Jewish funeral

arrow Saying kaddish and other mourning rituals

Jews’ attitudes toward death are different from many other Westerners. For Jews, the opposite of living isn’t dying — rather, dying is part of living, and we’re all literally in the process of dying right now. As many have noted, “Life itself is a terminal disease with a sad ending.” Look, we’re not trying to be morbid or weepy here. Instead, we simply want to make the point that if Judaism says anything about death, it’s that people must recognize it, honor it, and live with it.

Contrast this embrace of death with the usual response (at least in America and most Western countries), in which people tend to shirk even the mention of death, preferring instead to say that people “pass away” or “are no longer with us.” Have you ever noticed how many people at a funeral chatter about sports, or television, or almost anything other than the important event that just occurred? Today’s Jews are just as susceptible to this denial as anyone, and yet Judaism itself teaches a different lesson. As one friend, who recently lost her mother, said: “Judaism really ‘does death’ right.”

While Judaism recognizes the intensely personal nature of dying and mourning, it also supports the dying process as a community event. When a Jew has a death in his or her family, he should always call a rabbi or local congregation; even if the Jew isn’t a member of a synagogue, the rabbi will know the proper community services that can help.

Judaism has developed customs and traditions with the understanding that people need clarity when they get close to death — either their own or that of a friend or family member. Some customs find their roots in Biblical times — for example, the Book of Genesis says that when Jacob buried his wife Rachel by the side of the road, he “set a pillar upon her grave” (which people interpret as a pillar of stones) — thus the tradition of tombstones and also of leaving a small stone at a grave site. Later tradition of burial beneath a mound of stones reinforced this custom. Other customs stem from a long history of Jewish superstition — such as some people’s custom of opening a window after someone dies so that the soul can escape, or immediately lighting a candle at the person’s head to symbolize the light of his or her soul.

This chapter focuses on what Jews can do before they die, what happens immediately after a death, and the mourning process. One thing is clear: Jewish tradition strives to accept death as a profoundly important step of the life cycle. To deny death is to deny life itself.

Planning for Death

Judaism, as a moral and ethical system of beliefs, places a great emphasis on people being kind both to themselves and others. In keeping with the call to kindness, Jews are encouraged to prepare for death as much as possible. After all, the more you plan for your death and communicate about it in advance, the easier you make things for your family and friends after you die. You can take several steps to prepare for death properly, including writing an ethical will and making plans for your burial.

Writing an ethical will

If you were to leave a message for your family or friends, to be opened after you die, what would it say? What would you want to tell your children, or your grandchildren (even if they haven’t been born yet)?

The idea of writing a will describing what to do with your assets is widely accepted. However, Jewish tradition has long urged writing an ethical will as well, communicating your values and lessons, perhaps in the form of a letter or essay to be read after you die. People have published some wonderful and moving collections of ethical wills, including those written by great Jewish figures such as Maimonides, Nachmanides, and the Vilna Gaon. In modern times, people often create a video of themselves describing their ethical wills, to be shared with their survivors upon their deaths.

Many people include their ethical will as an unofficial “preamble” to their legal wills, although even if you have few or no assets at all, you can still write an ethical will. Many people have reported that this document has become a treasured family heirloom after a parent’s or sibling’s death.

tip.eps Don’t worry about sounding official or poetic when writing an ethical will. Here are a few things you may think about including in your ethical will:

check.png Your personal and spiritual values

check.png Your feelings about Judaism and your Jewish identity

check.png How you would like people in your family to treat each other after you die

check.png What accomplishments you feel good about and what mistakes you want others to avoid

Some people also include a note in their ethical will forgiving or asking forgiveness, but Jewish tradition also encourages people to ask for or give forgiveness in person whenever possible.

Making final confessions

The Jewish custom of making a “confession” just before death involves asking for a blanket forgiveness for all misdeeds.

remember.eps A Jewish “confession” is very different than those of other traditions. For Jews, confession doesn’t require a rabbi, although often someone acts as a witness. Similarly, because Judaism holds that each person’s confession is between him or her and God, the act of confession doesn’t involve being absolved by anyone.

Reciting parting words

If possible, a person who is approaching death may want to recite the central affirmation of Judaism, called the Sh’ma (see Appendix B), which proclaims the absolute oneness of God. This recitation is meant to inspire calmness at a moment of transition, urging us to remember that everything is contained in God and that, in God, nothing can ever be lost.

Often, if the dying person is unable to recite the Sh’ma, family and friends can say it for him or her. At the moment of death, all of us need the reminder that we are always connected to the Source of all being.

controversy.eps Ending a life

Judaism sees life as a gift from God — maybe not the gift you were hoping for, but a gift nonetheless. Therefore, Jews are generally opposed to anyone taking life, whether it’s someone else’s or their own. Suicide is considered disrespectful not only of a living being, but also of God, so Judaism has harsh rules against honoring someone who has willingly committed suicide: They can’t be buried in a Jewish cemetery, mourning (including saying mourning prayers) isn’t traditionally allowed, and sometimes family members feel shame in the community. That said, many rabbis, today and over the centuries, have gone to great lengths to show that suicide victims were mentally disturbed at the time of that act, so almost all Jewish suicides are buried in Jewish cemeteries.

Similarly, Jewish organizations are uniformly against physician-assisted suicide, arguing that no one has the right to choose death. On the other hand, many Jews recognize a gray area: If someone is terminally ill and in great discomfort, Judaism generally allows that they can refuse additional “unnecessary” medical treatment. That is, if someone is clearly going to die anyway, and treatment would simply prolong an unpleasant life for a short time, then the treatment isn’t considered “healing.” Along these same lines, most Jewish authorities allow do not resuscitate (DNR) instructions. Terminal illness poses an obviously a tricky situation, and one that is probably best discussed with a rabbi.

We encourage you to prepare a living will, or an advance directive, which stipulates what should be done in case you’re in a coma and probably couldn’t survive without life support. This can supplement any of the legal documents that you may wish to prepare to serve as guidelines for those who may have to make very difficult decisions. Communicating your wishes to your friends and family is a great kindness and is seen as a mitzvah (a path that brings people closer to God).

Arranging the Funeral

Judaism is very clear on what you do immediately after someone dies. First, upon witnessing or hearing about a death, Jews traditionally recite a blessing:

Barukh ata Adonai, Eloheynu melekh ha-olam Dayan ha-emet.

Blessed are You, Eternal One our God, Universal Ruler, the True Judge.

You may also hear people use a shorter version: Barukh Dayan ha-emet (“Blessed is the one true Judge”). Then, everything done between death and the funeral focuses on respecting and honoring the person who has just died, as well as preparing for the funeral and burial.

Jews believe that the funeral should happen as quickly after death as possible — preferably the same or next day, though the funeral is often postponed a day or two if family must travel from out of town. Also, funerals aren’t held on Shabbat or other holidays.

Traditionally, the body isn’t left alone, and people take turns being a shomer (“guard”), reciting Psalms next to the deceased until the funeral. A family sometimes pays someone to serve as shomer.

Similarly, out of respect for the dead, the body isn’t traditionally displayed in an open casket, although if close family members want to see the body one last time before the funeral service, they can arrange to do so with the funeral home.

Returning to the earth

Much of the focus in Jewish tradition regarding death revolves around returning the body to the earth in a consecrated Jewish cemetery as quickly and naturally as possible — again, a respectful appreciation that death is a natural part of life. That’s why the first thing that a Jewish community traditionally does when establishing itself in a new community is to consecrate land as a Jewish cemetery.

Embalming the body — which slows the decomposition process — is out. Being buried above ground is out, although many rabbis agree that crypts and mausoleums are okay. Also, Jews don’t use make-up to make the deceased look more lifelike.

Cremation is definitely out for traditional Jews, who tend to consider it as terrible as committing suicide (many rabbis won’t even officiate at a funeral if the body was cremated). We personally don’t object to cremation, since it just speeds up a process that occurs naturally, anyway. However, perhaps early Jews were simply trying to draw a clear distinction between Judaism and pagan religions that customarily cremated their dead. And many Jews are sensitive about cremation because it draws up images of the Holocaust. Whatever the case, many more liberal Jews choose cremation, though some also request that their ashes be buried so that a tombstone can be erected, allowing friends and relatives to later return to mourn.

controversy.eps Jewish tradition is less clear on the topics of autopsies and organ donations. On the one hand, Jews have long held that maiming a body (even a dead one) is a desecration. (In fact, if a traditional Jew requires a limb to be amputated, he or she will often have it buried and then request that it be reburied with the body after death.) On the other hand, Jewish law clearly states that saving another life takes precedence over just about every other principle. So, most rabbis would agree that donating an organ to save someone else’s life is a mitzvah (see Chapter 4). On the third hand, many rabbis argue that Jews should avoid autopsies unless they’re vitally important. Ultimately, we believe that all these decisions are private and should be discussed with a rabbi on a case-by-case basis.

Preparing the body

Given that the casket will be closed, you’d think a Jewish funeral home wouldn’t care about the state of the body. Far from it! Jewish tradition holds that the body must be carefully washed, dressed in a plain white shroud (it’s the same for both men and women), and blessed with special prayers in a process called taharah (“purification”). In many ways, this is like the dressing of the high priests in the biblical Temple days, as they prepared to enter the Holy of Holies (see Chapter 13). Perhaps taharah is meant to remind people that the process of death isn’t just an exit from this world, but also an entrance into a higher, holier world.

One of the greatest mitzvot (commandments) is to do an act of charity for the dead, because they can never repay you. And performing taharah is certainly a great act of charity. In the 16th century, the idea of the chevra kadisha (the burial society, though literally the “holy society”) first appeared in Prague. Today, every community with enough Jews has a chevra kadisha made up of volunteers who are trained in the proper rites to prepare bodies for burial. Men work on men, women work on women; they wash the body in a reverent silence, speaking only when necessary. Always respecting the dead, they uncover a small part of the body at a time to clean it, and they walk around the body rather than reaching across it.

Finally, the chevra kadisha places the corpse in a casket, sometimes wrapped in a tallit (prayer shawl) with its tzitzit (“fringes”) cut off to signify that the tallit can no longer be used for prayer, and sometimes with a pillow of straw and some dirt from Israel poured over the eyes and heart. (Some Orthodox Jews believe that those who are buried in the dirt of Israel will rise first at the resurrection.)

By the way, if you’ve ever dealt with the funeral industry, you know that they love to sell expensive caskets. They’re beautiful, but it’s like burying money. It has long been the Jewish tradition for the casket to be as simple as possible — preferably just a pine box with handles. In fact, outside of America, many Jews are buried without a casket at all. If you want to cut through the salesperson’s banter, just ask for the least expensive kosher casket.

Attending a funeral and burial

The funeral and burial are set up both to honor the dead and begin the mourning process for those still living. Jewish funerals usually take place in a synagogue, a funeral chapel, or at a cemetery, and while by tradition they’re simple (symbolizing the belief that people are all equal in death), they vary widely and have no set liturgy.

tip.eps A first-timers’ guide to attending a Jewish funeral

Jewish funerals rarely offer surprises to anyone who has been to a Christian funeral. The rites are similar, though the words and prayers are often different. There are, however, a few things you should keep in mind when attending a Jewish funeral or visiting the mourners afterward:

check.png Even though the casket is always closed, some mourners pass by it before or immediately following the funeral service to pay their last respects.

check.png Men should wear a dark yarmulke (kippah) in the synagogue and at the gravesite. One is usually provided if you don’t have one.

check.png Because idle conversation is generally discouraged during a funeral, it’s probably best to remain silent or only participate in the prayers during the service.

check.png Anyone (male, female, Jew, or non-Jew) can be a pallbearer, and it’s a great blessing and a mitzvah (see Chapter 4) to do so.

check.png At the end of the burial, rabbis often ask that friends and more distant relatives stand in two lines so that the immediate mourners can walk between them, a symbol that they aren’t alone and that others support their grief. Those assembled say, “Ha-Makom y’nachem etchem b’toch sh’ar av’lay Tzion Veerushalayim.” (“May God comfort you together with all the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.”)

check.png After the funeral, the family usually holds a reception. Come in quietly, sit near the mourner(s) and take your cues from them: Don’t speak until spoken to, talk about what they want to talk about rather than impose your own thoughts, and don’t try to cheer them up. The reception sometimes turns into a time for socializing and catching up — if that happens, make sure it happens someplace else, away from the mourners. These courtesies also apply when visiting someone during the week following the funeral. Remember that you’re providing consolation simply by being there.

check.png Sending flowers to a funeral or a mourner’s home is strongly discouraged in Judaism. Not only will they wither and die in a few days (reminding everyone of the painful loss), but Jews think of flowers as “prettying up” or hiding a stark reality. Instead, simply offer your presence. It is customary to give charity in memory of the one who died (either to a charity of your choice or to one important to the deceased).

check.png Ask the individuals organizing the reception and care of the family during the week of mourning what you can do to help: bring food, do a few hours of babysitting, make a trip to the grocery or the airport. The idea is that the mourners shouldn’t have to do anything themselves, and small acts make a big difference at this time.

Just before the funeral, close relatives (traditionally, siblings, spouse, parents, or children of the deceased) observe the rite of k’riah, making a small rip — in a tie, a coat, a blouse, or perhaps the sleeve of a dress — as a symbol of grief. Many Jews pin a black ribbon to their jacket and then tear that. Generally, those mourning the loss of a parent rip the left side of their garment (or place the ribbon on the left), and rip the right side for other relatives. The point is that Judaism doesn’t want you to just show up; it wants you to really show your grief, without regard to vanity or decorum, and the k’riah is like ripping open a bag of grief to allow the tears and strong emotions to fall out.

Similarly, the eulogy (called a hesped) given by a rabbi, friend, or family member, honors the deceased and helps the mourners feel the depth of the loss. The Hebrew word for funeral is levayah, which means “to accompany,” and you may see Jews walking behind the hearse to the graveside, often stopping to recite psalms, and then finally reciting the Mourner’s Kaddish (see Saying Kaddish later in this chapter).

At the end of the funeral, when the casket is lowered into the ground, the closest family or friends throw the first dirt over it, often using a shovel or even their hands. By encouraging the mourners to actively participate in the burial, to hear the earth landing on the casket, Jewish tradition ensures that people recognize the reality of death and helps them begin the process of letting go. The traditional practice is for each family member to add three shovels of dirt to the grave using the back or rounded part of the shovel rather than the scoop to symbolically say how reluctant one is to lose this loved one. Perhaps it’s just superstitious, but it’s also the custom for each person to return the shovel to the mound of dirt because passing it directly to the next person in line is like handing them sorrow.

You may attend a Jewish funeral and find a traditional Jew remaining outside the funeral parlor or cemetery, even if he is a close friend or relative of the deceased. Men who are descendants of the priestly class, called Kohanim (and who often have last names like Cohen or Kahn) are forbidden by Jewish law to come close to a corpse. Except for very close relatives, Kohanim don’t enter the actual cemetery area. Sometimes their relatives are buried near the outer perimeter of the lot so that they can approach as closely as possible. In fact, all traditional Jews consider being near a dead person an act that makes them ritually impure (see Chapter 4), so they typically wash their hands either before leaving the cemetery or before entering the house of mourning. Often, a pitcher of water is made available outside the house of mourning for all to rinse their hands in symbolic purification.

Observing the Mourning Period

At the reception held immediately after the funeral (called a seudat havra’ah, “meal of consolation”) friends and family traditionally eat eggs and other nonmeat, round foods (lentils, chickpeas, bagels, and so on) as a symbol of cycles and the constant renewal of life. Note that the mourners should never have to prepare this food themselves; that’s a job for more distant relatives, friends, and neighbors.

Jews also traditionally cover the mirrors in the house where the mourning is taking place, often where the deceased lived. Perhaps this is a reminder that people shouldn’t be concerned with vanity at a time of mourning, and should instead be a mirror to themselves, focusing inside rather than out. We also like the more mystical belief that when a body dies, the nefesh (the level of soul most identified with the body; see Chapter 5) may be confused and return home for a short time before dissipating — so we cover the mirrors so that the nefesh won’t become even more upset when it sees no reflection of itself.

Everything is topsy-turvy during the week following a family member’s death. To symbolize upheaval, as well as the sense that the mourners are struck low with grief, immediate family members customarily sit on low chairs or benches during the reception and during the first week after the funeral. Note that other guests — friends, neighbors, distant family members — aren’t expected to do this.

The first week following a funeral

The first week after a funeral is an important time for reflection and healing, and it’s traditional for Jews to “sit shiva” during this time. Shiva literally means “seven,” referring to the week-long lamentation, when, in traditional households, immediate family members (the parents, children, siblings, and spouse) refrain from working, cutting their hair (or shaving), having sex, listening to music, doing anything joyous, or even doing laundry. Traditional Jews also refrain from wearing leather shoes (because in ancient times they were considered too comfortable), reading Torah (except for the depressing parts, like the Book of Job), swimming, and taking luxurious baths (though basic bathing is, of course, permitted).

For the first week, most Orthodox mourners don’t leave home, and their synagogue makes sure that a minyan (a quorum of at least ten men) shows up for a daily service at the house. If there is no minyan, the mourners may attend a daily service at the synagogue in order to say Kaddish, the special memorial prayer. Other, less traditional Jews, may also have an evening home service that is more creative in nature. A nice tradition is to keep a candle burning for the entire seven days as a constant reminder of the soul who has left (you can buy “seven-day candles,” although they don’t always last a full seven days).

remember.eps The point of shiva is to stay focused on the death that has just occurred — taking the time to cry, grieve, feel the loss as well as the anger and other emotions — rather than getting distracted by other, less important tasks or diversions. Amazingly, psychologists have found that people who let themselves grieve using these age-old customs tend to heal faster and better. We wouldn’t dare tell a mourner what he or she should do; rather, the key is to stay present as long as necessary. Many Jews today only sit shiva for three days, and they seem to feel this works for them.

Whatever the case, almost all the mourning practices are halted for Shabbat, when Jews attend services at the synagogue (though they still don’t have sex or become too joyous). Although you don’t observe the customs of mourning on Shabbat, that day does count as one of the traditional seven. Then, finally, in the morning of the last day, the formal shiva ends and the mourners enter back into the world. Often, friends or the rabbi may show up to take the mourners out for a post-shiva walk around the neighborhood.

The first month and year

Of course, no one gets over the death of a loved one in a week. The next three weeks (until the thirtieth day after the funeral) is called shloshim (“thirty”), when mourners begin to rebuild their lives, but traditional Jews still refrain from cutting their hair or shaving (unless it’s necessary for their livelihood), or going to parties or entertainment (like movies and the theater). After this time, all mourners except the children of the deceased are expected to let go and cease their official mourning.

Because the loss of a parent is especially difficult, the children are obligated under Jewish tradition to mourn for a full year (based on the Hebrew calendar), avoiding parties and celebrations (unless it’s something like your own wedding), and saying kaddish daily until the end of the eleventh month. (Some traditional Jews believe that a child’s actions and prayers can help the soul of his or her parent in the first year after death. However, because only the most wicked need help for a full year — see the sidebar What happens next later in this chapter — the tradition is only to say kaddish for 11 months.)

Sometime during the first year after a family member’s death, usually between six months and the first yahrtzeit (the anniversary of the death), it’s traditional to have a short unveiling ceremony for a tombstone or a metal plaque at the gravesite. However, this is based entirely on local custom, so it varies widely.

Saying Kaddish

The Mourner’s Kaddish is a prayer written mostly in Aramaic (which is similar to Hebrew). Jews recite it at the end of most synagogue services and at funerals. Here’s the first paragraph:

Yitgadal v’yitkadash sh’may raba, b’alma dee v’ra khe-rutay v’yamlikh mal’khutay b’kha-yaykhon uv’yo-maykhon uv’kha-yay d’khol bayt Yisrael, b’agala uviz’man kariv v’imru: Amen.

Glorified and sanctified be God’s great name throughout the Universe created from Eternal Will. May the Kingdom be established in your lifetime and during your days, and within the lifetime of the entire House of Israel, speedily and soon, and let us say: Amen.

Although Jews often think that the kaddish prayer is a prayer for the dead, the prayer doesn’t even mention death or dying. The name kaddish is related to kadosh (“holy”), and the prayer glorifies the holiness of God, praising the Eternal One for the gift of life. After all, Judaism focuses on the idea that “it’s all One” (see Chapter 2), and you can’t have life without death.

Jewish tradition (probably originating around the 13th century) holds that the eldest son must say kaddish for his deceased parent every day for eleven months. (In fact, in Yiddish, this son is actually called “the kaddish,” and in the old days people who only had daughters agonized over this because there would be no “kaddish” to say the kaddish for them.) More recently, however, all the children in a family may say kaddish during this mourning period, including women.

wordsofwisdom.eps The Kaddish means to me that the survivor publicly and markedly manifests his wish and intention to assume the relation to the Jewish community which his parents had . . . so the chain of tradition remains unbroken from generation to generation, each adding its own link.

— Henrietta Szold (on why she chose to recite kaddish herself rather than have a male friend do it)

remember.eps In many communities, if a stranger suddenly starts showing up for the early morning services, everyone there simply assumes that he or she is in mourning.

Remembering the Dead

Many people find it baffling that so many Jews remember when people died, but not when they were born. In America, especially, people celebrate births — of friends, family, presidents, and famous figures. Jewish tradition tends to focus more on the day someone died, called his or her yahrtzeit (from the German for “anniversary”; pronounced yar-tsite). Israeli citizens even celebrate the yahrtzeit of past leaders, much the way Americans honor Washington and Lincoln’s birthdays.

The yahrtzeit of a famous person (based on the Hebrew calendar, not the Western one) is often a quiet-but-joyous occasion, but that of a family member is seen as a time for solemn contemplation, remembering the deceased with prayers and by lighting a 24-hour candle (called a “yahrtzeit candle,” in part symbolizing Proverbs 20:27 — “the spirit of humankind is the light of the Eternal”). Most Jews avoid celebrating or going to parties on a parent’s yahrtzeit, and some even fast all day, study Torah, and go to services. On the first yahrtzeit, many Jews buy a memorial plaque, which is placed on their synagogue’s wall.

Similarly, Jews remember their deceased friends and family at a special prayer service — called Yizkor — on four other holidays throughout the year: Yom Kippur (see Chapter 20), Sh’mini Atzeret (the last day of Sukkot; see Chapter 21), the last day of Passover (see Chapter 25), and the final day of Shavuot (see Chapter 26). The service contains a special series of prayers beginning with Yizkor Elohim, which means “May God remember.”

You may hear Jews add a short Hebrew phrase after saying the name of someone who has died, usually alav ha-shalom or aleha ha-shalom (“peace be with him or her”). Or, if they’re talking about a particularly righteous person, they may instead say zai-cher tzaddik livrakhah (“may the memory of the righteous be for a blessing”) or zikhrono livrakhah (“may his memory be for a blessing,” often written z’l after someone’s name).