Chapter 5
The
FAMILY MAN
There is no doubt that it is around the family and the home that all the greatest virtues, the most dominating virtues of human society, are created, strengthened, and maintained.
—Winston Churchill
FAMILY IS the laboratory of our lives. Within our families we learn and practice all the vital skills of human flourishing. From your father, you may have learned how to handle a hammer; from your mother, how to cook a killer roast. And from constant interactions with your parents and siblings you gain an education in how to love, reconcile, sacrifice, and compromise.
No matter your age or station in life, you have a role to play as a Family Man. If you’re a son, you have the filial duty to look after your parents. If you’re a father, you have the responsibility to create a family culture that will help your children grow into virtuous and capable adults. If you’re an uncle, you have the sacred charge of teaching your nieces and nephews all the dangerous stuff their mother or father won’t let them do at home. And if you’re married, you are a confidant and support to your partner. If you’re all of these things, your responsibilities and privileges extend up, down, and across your family tree. You’re a fortunate man.
COMMANDMENTS OF CLEAN COMMUNICATION
Loving relationships are the most important contributor to a man’s happiness, success, and ability to live a fully flourishing life.
One of the most important factors in creating and sustaining these relationships is communication. Unfortunately, how to communicate with one’s significant other in a healthy, positive way is something we are rarely taught. As a result, many couples find that their discussions regularly turn into unproductive arguments that damage their bond.
Couples who discuss their disagreements in a healthy way are able to solve problems before they turn into big, relationship-ending issues. Here are a few guidelines to follow as you talk to your loved one to handle disagreements effectively and cleanly.
1: AVOID judgment words or loaded terms.
2: AVOID “you” messages of blame and accusation.
3: DON’T rehash old history.
4: AVOID negative comparisons.
5: KEEP body language open and receptive.
KEEP A TREASURE BOX
The ditty-box is a timeless tradition that every man should have. It’s a great way to store your memories as well as those small assortments you use on a regular basis like tie bars and watches. Someday your kids will enjoy rummaging through your manly treasures and hearing the stories behind the interesting things you’ve picked up along life’s way!
We used to wait in the library in the evening until we could hear his key rattling in the latch of the front hall, and then rush out to greet him; and we would troop into his room while he was dressing, to stay there as long as we were permitted, eagerly examining anything which came out of his pockets which could be regarded as an attractive novelty. Every child has fixed in his memory various details which strike it as of grave importance. The trinkets he used to keep in a little box on his dressing-table we children always used to speak of as “treasures.” The word, and some of the trinkets themselves, passed on to the next generation. My own children, when small, used to troop into my room while I was dressing, and the gradually accumulating trinkets in the “ditty-box”—the gift of an enlisted man in the navy—always excited rapturous joy.
—Theodore Roosevelt
DELIVER A BABY
Don’t get all clammy: A man caught in the tight situation of having to help with an unexpected birth won’t actually need to do much. In fact, your greatest role in delivering a child is enabling the natural process of birth to run its course. Provide a calm, clean, and safe environment for the mother and wait for trained medical help to do the rest.
1: CALL for help. Dial 911 and have an ambulance sent to your location. The dispatcher may also be able to offer you instructions and guide you through the next steps.
2: PREPARE a birthing area by laying down clean sheets and collecting plenty of clean, dry towels. Natural birthing positions for the mother are lying on her back, or with her hands and knees on the ground.
3: THOROUGHLY wash your hands and arms up to the elbow to avoid spreading germs and other contaminants to the baby once it’s born.
4: FOLLOW the woman’s lead. As she feels the urge to push, encourage her. You should be able to see the baby’s head beginning to exit the birth canal. If you see the umbilical cord is wrapped around the baby’s neck, gently loosen it.
Never pull on the baby or try to force it out.
5: DRY the baby with clean towels once it’s born, wipe away any gunk in the nose, eyes, and mouth, and keep it warm. Place the baby onto the mother’s chest.
Do not cut the umbilical cord.
6: APPROX. 15–30 minutes after the birth, the mother will pass the placenta. Deliver the placenta if medical help hasn’t arrived. Wait calmly for paramedics to arrive, and give yourself a pat on the back!
HOLD A BABY
There is a lot to fatherhood that you have to learn from trial and error. But honing your skill set before your progeny arrives can help the experience of being a new dad go more smoothly. With all of the baby-handling tips outlined in the next several pages, don’t worry so much about hurting your baby. They’re not as fragile as you think. Sturdy little buggers, really.
Holding your baby skin-to-skin can calm and comfort him—stabilizing his heart rate, respiratory rate, and blood pressure, maintaining his body temperature, and decreasing his crying. It also helps you bond. Soon after your baby is born, and for the next few weeks, spend time with your shirt off holding him just in his diaper.
Whatever hold you use, the important thing is to support your baby’s neck, bottom, and small of the back.
BURP A BABY
Babies get gas from sucking in air while feeding. Burping helps get these air bubbles out. If you’re feeding a baby with a bottle, burp her after every 2–3 ounces she drinks, as well as at the end of her feeding. If she’s fussy or spits up a lot, try burping even more often during the feeding. With all of these methods, give your baby gentle pats or small, circular rubs to get the burp out.
CHANGE A DIAPER
Spread the diaper in the position of the [baseball] diamond with you at bat. Then fold second base down to home and set the baby on the pitcher’s mound. Put first base and third together, bring up home plate, and pin the three together. Of course, in case of rain, you gotta call the game and start all over again.
—Jimmy Piersall, MLB center fielder
A new baby is a poop and pee machine. You’ll be amazed that such a small person can produce so much waste. You can expect to change a newborn’s diaper every two hours. Though science has yet to create a self-cleaning baby, the changings get less frequent as they get older.
1: ASSESS the damage. Be prepared for anything. You might have a little nugget waiting for you, or you could have a hazardous waste explosion. If the latter, move the baby near the bath, so you can thoroughly clean her.
2: GET your materials. Grab a clean diaper and four or five baby wipes (if it’s #2). Place them to the side.
3: PUT your gas mask on and assume the position. If your baby is formula fed, be prepared for a potent smell. If your baby is breast-fed, the stink isn’t quite as bad. If you have a boy, juke to the side lest his little sprinkler baptize you into the Church of the Yellow Stream.
4: UNDO the dirty diaper and lift up your baby’s tuchus by grabbing her ankles and gently hoisting her feet into the air. Use a clean part of the dirty diaper to wipe excess poo from her behind.
5: GRAB a baby wipe and start wiping front to back. This motion reduces the chance of spreading bacteria into their privates, which can cause a urinary tract infection (especially important for girls). Place the used wipes on top of the soiled diaper. Then, with your baby’s feet still suspended in the air, remove the soiled diaper.
6: FOLD the diaper on itself with the hazardous waste and used wipes still in it. Use the sticky tabs to make a tight bundle. Place inside a plastic bag, tie the bag off, and hook shot the bundle into the diaper bin.
7: PAT your baby’s bottom dry. Apply some A&D or Desitin if her butt is red or irritated.
8: SLIDE the new diaper under her. The back of the diaper has the sticky tabs on it. Lay your baby down on this part.
9: BRING up the front of the diaper and attach the tabs. You want it tight enough so that it doesn’t slide off but not so tight it cuts off circulation. Most disposable diapers have little ruffles around the leg. Make sure those are sticking out, or you’ll have some leaking problems.
10: GIVE your baby a high five.
CALM A CRYING BABY
The most important skill to have as a new dad (if you wish to maintain your sanity) is being able to calm your baby when he or she cries. Whether your baby cries a lot or a little will probably determine whether your parenting experience is easier or harder than you expected. Unfortunately, you can’t choose whether you get a really happy baby or a cantankerous caterwauler. But there’s usually a reason why your baby is crying; when something is bothering her, she doesn’t have any way to communicate besides howling.
1: FIRST, run through a mental checklist of what could have put a bee in her bonnet:
• Dirty diaper: See here.
• Needs to burp: Try here.
• Gas: Lay her on her back and move her legs up and down like she’s riding a bicycle, or gently massage her tummy in a circle. You can try over-the-counter remedies like simethicone and “gripe water”—but they don’t work for everyone.
• Physical discomfort: Is she too hot or cold? Is clothing tight or scratchy?
• Loneliness: The world is a big, unfamiliar place. If she wakes up and no one is around, she might just want to be held.
• Overstimulation: Too much new stuff to take in all at once can make your baby feel overwhelmed. Take her somewhere quiet to decompress.
• Hunger: Feed her!
• Tired: Time for a nap.
• Fever: An easy-to-use forehead thermometer is a must. If she’s running a temperature, you can give her some baby acetaminophen, but be sure to check with your doctor for the right dosage.
IF THE checklist doesn’t work, you may have a case of undiagnosed crankiness. It happens to all of us. Try this:
2: STICK a pacifier in it. Not all babies take to the pacifier, and there are pros and cons to using one, but they can work wonders in silencing a newborn.
3: PUT the baby in a motorized swing. It works like a charm for some kids.
No matter how much a baby cries, stay as zen as possible.
4: SWADDLE. Babies like being tightly wrapped—it reminds them of being back in the womb.
5: RUN the vacuum. The womb was a surprisingly loud place, so replicate that white noise to put your baby at ease.
6: TAKE ’em for a drive. When all else fails, stick the baby in her car seat and take her for a drive.
7: RECOGNIZE colic. If none of the above stops the caterwauling, and she cries for three hours a day for more than three days a week for three weeks, she may have colic. Its cause is unknown. Try the “5 S’s” (Swaddle, Stomach/Side position, Shush, Swing, Suck) as proposed in The Happiest Baby on the Block and hang in there. It often resolves itself four to six months in.
8: KEEP calm. Babies’ cries are designed by nature to burrow into your brain and elicit a real physiological response—you start to sweat, your heart rate goes up, and your body releases cortisol—the stress hormone. Deal with this the way you would any other stressor. It can be helpful to disassociate yourself from the cries—tell yourself that it’s okay, it’s just a noise. Practice your tactical breathing. If your brain is starting to short-circuit, there’s nothing wrong with putting your baby down in a safe place like her crib, closing the door, going into another room where you can’t hear her cries, and taking five. Your baby will be fine—really. It’s better to let her cry for a little while than for you to lose control.
USE YOUR BABY AS EXERCISE EQUIPMENT
It’s hard to fit in a good workout as a new dad. But you may be surprised how many exercises you can perform using only your kiddo and a car seat. What’s more, when you use your tot as a piece of exercise equipment, your little champ gets all the benefits that come with roughhousing.
Make sure you wait to do these exercises until your baby is ready for the action. Before you start tossing them around, they should be able to hold their neck up and sit up by themselves.
BABY + KETTLEBELL 
Baby Kettlebell Swing
Hold baby by torso BELOW arms, not BY the arms
BABY + MEDICINE BALL
Baby Goblet Squat
Baby Medicine Ball Toss
Baby Torso Rotation
BABY + DUMBBELL
Baby Bicep Curls
Baby Front Raises
BE SANTA CLAUS
If your family celebrates Christmas, and you’re of the opinion that belief in Santa Claus constitutes one of the most magical parts of childhood rather than the Big Lie, you’ll have the privilege of taking on the role of old Kris Kringle. This is a big responsibility. For eight or so years of your kids’ lives, you’ll be playing the jolly old fat man who makes dreams come true. If you do it well, your kids’ imaginations will have plenty of magical moments to feast on. If you blow it, your kids may become prematurely jaded about Christmas.
BEING SANTA is no easy task; kids today are savvy, and the truth about Mr. Claus is only a Google search away. Here’s how to preserve the Christmas magic and keep your kids believing in St. Nick for as long as possible.
1: HIDE the gifts. The most common Santa slayer for kids is finding the gifts that are supposedly being made in Santa’s workshop sitting in their parents’ closet. Around age six or seven kids start getting suspicious about the Santa story and will commence a thorough search of the house to find their Christmas booty. These are professional hide-n-seekers, so don’t fool yourself: they know every nook and cranny. If you don’t have a super-secret spot available in-residence, stash the presents offsite—at your office, if you have space, or at the house of a friend who 1) has no kids, 2) has infants, or 3) has older kids who are in on the Santa jig.
2: TRACK Santa on radar. Little tykes now look to modern gadgets for affirmation of what is real. Every year NORAD radar realistically “tracks” Santa’s journey around the globe on Christmas Eve. You can show this to your kids as proof that Santa is indeed on the move.
3: GET the kids to bed. Read the kiddos The Night Before Christmas and/or The Polar Express and then tuck them into bed. But they’re going to have a tough time getting to sleep; kids are wired on Christmas Eve night, excitedly thinking about all the cool stuff that they’re going to get in the morning. To make sure they actually doze off so you and your wife can get to work, tell them that Santa Claus has a sleep detector and will only come to homes that have sleeping children. If that doesn’t work, give them a sippy cup filled with eggnog and a bit of rum.
We’re just kidding about the eggnog and rum in a sippy cup.
4: FINISH assembling toys. Some presents, like bikes, will need some assembly. If possible, do any assembly offsite in order to reduce the ruckus of you going through your toolbox. If that’s not an option, get the tools you need ready during the day. Read the instructions so you have an idea of what you’re doing. You have limited time, so the less time you spend scratching your head figuring out how to put the darn thing together the better.
5: PLACE the presents under the tree and fill the stockings. If possible, wrap all the presents before Christmas Eve so all you have to do that night is put them under the tree. While you or your wife bring out the gifts, the other stuffs the stockings with goodies. Pro tip: In the run up to Christmas, remember to hide the stocking goodies as well as you hide the big presents.
6: AS you put out the presents, be on watch for rogue children. Kids will invariably climb out of bed to either try to sneak a peek at Santa Claus himself or see if he’s left their booty under the tree yet. If at all possible, try to catch your kids before they make it near the living area where the tree and gifts are waiting. Threaten them with a lump of coal if they don’t get back to bed. If you can’t stop your kid in time and he catches you in the act, you can lie and maintain their faith in Santa or tell them the sad truth that Santa isn’t real. If you go with the more fun option, i.e., lying, tell your kid that you and your wife were just putting out Mommy’s and Daddy’s gifts for each other and that Santa had already come. Swiftly get them back to bed so you can finish the job.
7: LEAVE evidence. Unlike most men who sneak into houses late at night, Santa leaves plenty of evidence behind. Leave some sooty boot prints on the carpet near the fireplace. Eat the milk and cookies, leaving some half-eaten cookies on the plate. If the kids set out carrots for the reindeer, put some gnawed-on carrot stubs in the fireplace. Maybe place a cool gold button near the Christmas tree, too, and tell your kids that it must have fallen off Santa’s suit.
8: GET to bed. You won’t get much sleep tonight, but try to get as much shuteye as you can. You’re going to need all the energy you can get on Christmas Day.
ENTERTAIN A TODDLER WITHOUT A SMARTPHONE
Our smartphones allow us to do many things more efficiently, they entertain us when we’re bored, and they keep us informed when we need answers. But life’s most rewarding activities are analog. As younger generations wade into a world filled with technology, it’s important to give them a good foundation of old-fashioned fun. The next time you’re in charge of engaging the attention of a kid, don’t turn to silly videos and games on your phone. Instead, show them how to have a great time, tech-free.
1: READ a book, making sure you do voices for different characters with maximum enthusiasm.
2: GO on a nature walk to teach them about basic plants and look for bugs.
3: PLAY a game like “Guess Which Hand,” where you have them place an object in one of your hands, close your fists, put your hands behind your back, switch the object around, and then have them guess which hand the object is in.
4: TEACH them a simple song like “Twinkle Twinkle, Little Star,” “Old MacDonald,” or “Baa Baa Black Sheep.”
5: PRACTICE drawing with colored pencils, washable markers, or sidewalk chalk and teach them to make basic shapes and figures.
6: MAKE faces and noises at each other to see who can be sillier.
TREAT YOUR FAMILY LIKE VIPS
Even if you don’t work as a personal security agent, if you’re a man with a family, you’ve got VIPs you’re responsible for keeping safe: your wife and kiddos.
WHILE YOU may not have the resources to do the same sort of preparation as a professional personal security detail, you can apply the same ethos when taking care of your family.
BE THOUGHTFUL ABOUT YOUR EDC (EVERY DAY CARRY)
ALWAYS HAVE a first aid kit in your car for minor injuries, and keep tourniquets in the kit to stop bleeding in the event of an active shooting or similar attack. On your person, keep at a minimum your cell phone (to call emergency crews) and a tactical flashlight. A bright flashlight helps identify threats in the dark and can momentarily disorient attackers. It doubles as an improvised weapon.
CONSIDER CARRYING A WEAPON
WHETHER TO carry weapons to defend your family is a decision only you can make. If you do decide to carry a firearm, understand the laws governing its use in self-defense and train regularly with it. Carrying a gun without knowing how to use it and regularly practicing your marksmanship is dangerous. If you don’t want to carry a firearm, or you live somewhere that doesn’t allow it, you can carry a knife (though some localities also forbid this). If you don’t want to carry a weapon, carry a tactical pen that can improvise as a weapon if needed. You can bring it anywhere discreetly and legally.
IF A PLACE LOOKS LIKE TROUBLE, LEAVE
THE BEST outcome for a personal security agent is if the principal never encounters the potential for harm, harassment, or embarrassment. That’s your job, too. When you’re out with your family, survey the place you’re in. Be prepared to leave if you don’t think it’s safe. Don’t be paranoid, but don’t let inconvenience deter you from protecting your family.
MAINTAIN SITUATIONAL AWARENESS
PUT YOURSELF in a position of optimal observance. At a restaurant, ask to be seated at a table with the best vantage point. You want to see as many exits and entrances as possible.
ESTABLISH BASELINES and look for anomalies. Hands hold what can kill you; faces (particularly eyes) show intent. Don’t stare people down one by one. Just play it cool, glance at hands and faces, and actually notice what you see. And remember: An anomaly isn’t necessarily a threat.
HAVE A plan. In every place you go, make a plan for what you’ll do if you notice an anomaly. What would you do if someone entered the theater through an emergency exit? It could be a kid trying to sneak in for a free movie, or it could be an active shooter. Increase your level of alertness and decide what you’ll do should the interloper turn violent.
IF SOMEONE IS GIVING YOUR FAMILY TROUBLE, LEAVE. DON’T ESCALATE.
IF YOUR family is facing an imminent, life-threatening attack, your priority is to keep them safe. That usually means getting them out as fast as possible. Running is your first line of defense. If running isn’t an option, then you do what you have to do to protect your family. Fighting back should always be on the table, but only as a last resort. Your job is to make sure that things never get that far.
LET YOUR FAMILY GET IN THE CAR FIRST
STAND AT the back of the car while your family gets in. If you’re in the car before your family gets in and an attack does happen, you’re at a tactical disadvantage. Threats aren’t always attackers. It could be a little old lady who’s backing up her boat of a Cadillac and can’t see that she’s about to hit your kid.
Take precautions, but try not to look like a weirdo while doing so.
WHEN STOPPED IN YOUR VEHICLE, BE SURE YOU CAN SEE THE TIRES OF THE CAR IN FRONT OF YOU
WHILE YOU’LL likely never have to utilize a Rockford J-Turn to escape from bad guys, make sure you can see the tires of the car in front of you when stopped at an intersection.
MAKE A PERFECT OMELET
The omelet is the star among all egg-centric breakfast dishes. It can be as simple as plain or featuring just ham and cheddar; or you can branch out and add various meats, cheeses, and vegetables. It makes for a great dish for both the bachelor looking for a quick and healthy breakfast (or breakfast for dinner), or the dad making Saturday morning goodness for his family.
1: PREHEAT a medium-size skillet on medium-high. Sauté the fillings—veggies, ham, etc.—3–4 minutes, until tender.
2: MEANWHILE, whisk 3 eggs until frothy, seasoning liberally with salt and pepper.
The key to the perfect omelet is a little finesse.
3: ADD eggs to skillet, with veggies, and let cook undisturbed for a minute. Next, gently pull the eggs from the outside to the center, allowing the liquid to flow underneath and cook.
4: WHEN eggs are mostly set, flip. Do this with a spatula, or for the seasoned chef, use the edge of the skillet and some upward force.
5: SPRINKLE cheese on one side; cook for an additional minute.
6: SERVE omelet out of the skillet by folding it in half as you set it on the plate. Allow cheese to melt for 30 seconds, and enjoy!
BE AN AWESOME UNCLE
Uncles exist in a magical world. Old enough to look after their nieces and nephews, but not so old as to be out of touch, uncles offer advice without seeming overbearing and fun experiences without seeming lame. Navigating that balance as a cool advisor isn’t without its challenges.
1: OFFER advice when appropriate. Let them know you’re available if they have questions or need to talk to someone.
2: UNCLES are the epitome of fun and cool, so bone up on jokes, riddles, and magic tricks.
3: GET them cool gifts on their birthdays and holidays. Can’t think of anything? A pile of green will always work!
4: OFFER to babysit. It offers support to your siblings and it allows you to spend meaningful one-on-one time with your niece or nephew.
5: BE a consistent fixture in their life by attending sporting events, making regular phone calls, and visiting them.
6: ACT as an example by being a gentleman in every interaction, not just with your niece or nephew.
COOL UNCLE TRICKS
An essential part of being an awesome uncle is developing a repertoire of tricks and jokes that will amaze your nieces and nephews, and crack them up.
HOW TO LEVITATE 
1: STAND in front of your audience, facing away from them, with your body positioned at about a 45-degree angle from them. You want them to be able to only see your left foot and heel, and the back of your right heel.
2: DRAMATICALLY lift arms with your palms facing down so as to give the impression you’re about to push down and lift yourself off the ground.
3: PUSH down with your hands, while simultaneously lifting yourself up on your right hidden toes. Keep both heels together as your feet rise.
All kids love to play; play along with them.
4: HOLD for two to three seconds and then let yourself down. Lower yourself slowly, or drop dramatically as if you’ve sapped yourself of all magical energy.
HOW TO BOUNCE A ROLL
A GREAT mealtime gag: “bouncing” a dinner roll on the floor. You can also bounce a donut at breakfast, or any other suitable baked good. The trick works best when you’re sitting at a table with a tablecloth that will hide what’s really going on. But you can do it at any table, as long as you keep your audience’s eyes above the tabletop.
What It Looks Like
1: YOU are seen throwing the roll on the floor.
2: THE sound of the roll hitting the floor is heard.
3: THE roll pops up.
4: YOU catch the roll triumphantly.
An uncle is there to help a child get into mischief they haven’t thought of yet.
What’s Actually Happening
1: FOOT is ready to stamp.
2: TAP your foot on the ground to make the “bouncing” sound.
3: Toss the roll back up into the air.
4: CATCH the roll. Await applause from nieces and nephews.
HOW TO MAKE A GRASS WHISTLE
1: PLACE a nice thick blade of grass between your two thumbs.
2: PLACE back of thumbs against your mouth and blow! You know you’re successful by the annoying screeching sound coming out from your thumbs.
The best cool uncle tricks entertain the kids—and annoy the adults.
THE WORLD’S GREATEST PAPER AIRPLANE
From the earliest paper planes developed in China 2,000 years ago through the parchment planes Leonardo da Vinci made to test his aerial designs, the paper airplane has fascinated generations. New styles that soar hundreds of feet and stay in the air for nearly half a minute are being dreamed up by ingenious folders around the world. But we like this paper airplane, called the Harrier, the best. It is the perfect middle ground between simplicity and performance.
SKIP A STONE
Skipping a stone on water is a fun way to while away the time on a camping trip or picnic—exactly the kind of analog distraction that helps you navigate your thoughts if you’re alone, or lets a deep conversation with a friend run its course. Centuries of fathers and sons have discussed the meaning of life standing by the edge of a pond, stones in hand. This is something you’ll want to pass on to your kids.
1: PICK the right stone: flat, uniform thickness/thinness, fits in your palm, and no heavier than a tennis ball. Too heavy and the rock won’t skip off the water.
2: HOLD the stone between your thumb and middle finger, with your thumb on top, and your index finger hooked along the edge.
3: STAND facing the water at a slight angle. With rock in hand, pull your arm back like you’re going to throw a sidearm pitch.
4: AS you throw the rock, cock your wrist back. Right before the release, give your wrist a quick flick. This will create the spin needed for the stone to skip across the water.
5: THROW out and down at the same time. For maximum skips, the stone should enter the water at a 20-degree angle. Scientists have found this to be the optimal angle!
6: HAVE fun skipping stones with your kiddos!
What we plant in the soil of contemplation, we shall reap in the harvest of action.
—Meister Eckhart